I'm happy (the best post of 2011)

By the power invested in me, I am fucking happy. Really happy.

It all started when I presented at IOP. It seriously changed my entire perspective from that moment. The world was clear again. I could see what was in store for me. I could see an amazing future filled with endless possibilities. I am me. And I LOVE it.

I was sitting in the grief. I couldn't get out of it. I stopped believing in myself. That has all changed. While I am sad about what happened in what we'll call the worst year ever, I think the grief aspect is lifting.

I'm moving beyond it. I am coming to terms with life. I am excited. Where will I go? How will I get there? What should I do first? It doesn't even matter because I have me back.

What a year this has been. What a difference a year can make in your mental health and stability. I am forever changed, but in a good way.

I look forward to an amazing 2012. I know I deserve it. I feel empowered by it.

I will always remember that after the rain, comes a rainbow.

the reason

Today in IOP I "presented" a problem. It's the third part of the day and usually someone presents a problem and the group helps "solve the problem" through a series of events. Well today was my day. My therapist has been wanting me to present and so I finally did. I felt good today. I felt energized. I had a good night with two good friends. I could feel their love and support, which gave me strength that I could do this today.

I had an epic breakdown reliving Scott's death. I have flashbacks pretty bad lately and today it was so real, as I was explaining it. I could barely breathe, but everyone hung to my every word. I could tell there was pain in the eyes of everyone looking at me. Sometimes I feel like a loser for being so sad, but when I see the reaction I saw today, I know that it's okay to be where I am. To sit in the pain. And to not fight the pain.

Someone told me I was a remarkable person. Before even getting on with how the process works, he just had to tell me this. Someone who is so depressed himself, but could put everything aside and tell me I was remarkable. I loved it. It felt amazing. I had stopped believing. Another person told me they were so impressed I was still vertical. This was the worst year of my life and to expect it to get worse as I near Christmas and the anniversary of his death. That is what I presented. I was looking for new techniques and tools to get through this time. I got a LOT of solid advice and great alternatives to what I'm currently using for coping skills. I've done so much work this year on myself and am blessed, truly blessed to have had today.

I feel like they gave me strength that I couldn't give myself. Strength from people who I barely know, but love deeply because we share such a bond. I hope to continue these relationships because what we shared today will forever be in my heart. It was magical.

I don't want to disclose too much information because it's private as to who all I interact with and why people are there. So sorry this is a bit vague. It's hard to even explain the way I feel. I'm sad right now but happy at the same time. I'm okay being miserable right now. Because I know it's what I need. I know I'll be okay.

I love you Scott. I love you Tyler. I think you guys have given me strength in ways I cannot even describe. I will always miss you, but keep your memories close to my heart.

It was ironic that "The Reason" by Hoobastank came on today when I was headed home. It was one of my favorite songs that Scott would sing. He sang it so well, it was seriously beautiful...and when you listen to the lyrics, it's quite incredible what the message is saying..."I'm sorry that I hurt you, it's something I must live with everyday. And all the pain I put you through, I wish that I could take it all away...and be the one who catches all your tears, that's why I need you to hear..."

It's almost like he was talking to me. Saying he was sorry for dying. Sorry that I was in pain. He is the reason I am in pain, but he's also the reason that I will be stronger.

a week in review

So last week was an intense week. The IOP process is quite amazing in that the level of support you receive from strangers is incredible. Everyone cares deeply. There is an underlying commonality among all of us and that is the will to get better. To get out of this depressed state and work toward living a happy, healthy life. Some are really struggling themselves, but they always offer support to me. It's quite remarkable. I feel love when I am there. I can tell these people care and I think it's nice being able to relate to others who feel just as shitty as you do. We're linked because of that.

It also takes a toll on me emotionally because my heart is so big. I want to help everyone and fix everyone. I know, as part of my recovery, that I cannot do this. I did it with Scott and I have to learn to take care of myself, not others, otherwise I neglect my own feelings and needs. It's hard and I'm working on it. I just see so much potential in everyone, when they don't see it in themselves.

It's amazing how good compliments feel coming from strangers. I was talking to the group about loving candy and one of the group members brought me candy the next day. It's little things that really matter to me. That has always been the case. It's sweet. They care.

It gives me a deeper understanding of depression for sure. Scott was depressed so I see him in all these people. I wish he would've/could've done this program. I think it would've helped him with coping skills. I see how much it helps others who suffer from severe depression, like him. It brings pain to me everyday to hear similar stories that he shared with me.

Overall, I'm glad I'm in the program. I also stopped taking the antidepressant last night. It was putting me in this daze. I felt robotic. I didn't feel in control. I would rather be sad with grief than to numb myself to my feelings. I felt light headed and anxious all the time. I'm hoping these feelings start to go away soon. I knew I wouldn't like it. I'm sure it was all mind over matter cause I never wanted to take it in the first place. I like being me. Being in control of my emotions. I think that's a step in the right direction. I know some people truly need these medications and I fully support it for others, but it's not right for me at this time.

I'm headed into the weekend with feelings of loneliness, but I'm glad that I am at least motivated to do things. That was another issue with the antidepressant. I was not motivated and only wanted to sleep. Today I'm going to get out and go xmas shopping, maybe some shopping for me...who knows. Then dinner with Brian. We are working on our friendship because at the end of the day, we are friends and I think we can deepen our friendship during this extremely hard time.

thanksgiving day

So it's Thanksgiving. It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving. It feels like just another weekend. It seems like we just had Thanksgiving, it's too soon to be here again. But it is.

I think my mind is trying to trick me. Tomorrow is the hard day. The day I made the decision that he needed to get to a hospital right away. He was too sick. Tomorrow is also my mom's birthday. So a day of cheer and a day of dread.

I'm so thankful that she understands how hard life is for me right now. It's hard for them too. Scott is normally a part of this day and her birthday. He's missing in their lives too, not just mine. We all miss him, that's for sure. I was wondering today if Jasper ever wonders where he is...

I will say that I tried two bites of mashed potatoes today. I made myself do it, although I didn't want to. My sister said she made a similar batch to my grandma's so I had to taste and judge for myself. They were close...but NOT QUITE there. haha. Sorry K. Love you :) Next year, we are going to have a mashed potato "smash off." My grandmother makes the best ones ever and we always try to replicate them...

I also started taking an antidepressant today. I was very against this idea, but I know I need it for a short period of time. Today wasn't a great day to start a new drug because the side effects caused me stomach issues and a loss of appetite...but my emotions have also been causing this, so hard to tell what caused what. Oh well. I'll give it time to see if it helps me function a bit better. I know I need something. Not forever, but for a while.

My psychiatrist said that maybe I was too strong during the months leading up until now and here's my time to break. It's common. It's natural. It's grief. I sort of had a delayed reaction emotionally. I hope he's right. I just want to get through it in one piece. Thank you so much to all of you for support and love. I need it. I just need to get better at accepting it and asking for it. One step and day at a time.

the smallest of things...

Just packing for my trip to MI for Thanksgiving has exhausted me and made me so sad. I would normally be packing for all of us...me, Scott and Jasper. Meaning, I would nag him and confirm he will be packing and what the plan are for the weekend so he knows what to pack. I miss that. I miss telling him things. I miss sharing my life with him.

Sometimes I amaze myself with how much I cry. I didn't know you could shed this many tears.

turmoil

Everyday I wake up, I'm shaken and scared again. Is this really happening? One year ago, I had no idea how much my life would change in one night.

Thanksgiving will stir a lot of emotion for me and my family. I rented a car last year because Scott was too sick to drive his car (stick shift requiring a lot of work in rush hour traffic). I remember walking behind him at all times to ensure he didn't fall over or get too light-headed. I forget where we stopped to eat on the way to MI. I hate that I forget details. I want to cherish them all so badly. On Thanksgiving, my mom, sister and I cooked. We ate later than usual. I remember Scott eating a little turkey with gravy and a lot of mashed potatoes. It was 8 or 8:30 and I needed to drive Chaz home. Scott wanted to come but he was starting to feel sick. On the way to take Chaz home and on the way back all I could think was "please don't get sick, please don't get sick." I immediately rushed to the bedroom to where he was laying down and of course, he had gotten sick. This was my life. I was devastated. I knew that whatever was happening to him over the past couple of months hadn't gotten better. I needed to take serious action.

I was on the phone with UofM's ER, both medical and psychiatric divisions, trying to understand what course of action I needed to take. I had had it. I wanted him well and isn't UofM one of the best hospitals? With the help of my family, they encouraged me that this was the right thing. I told Scott that I was taking him the next morning to UofM and he wasn't happy. He blamed the mashed potatoes for making him sick. We fought. I hate that we fought but said we'll see how he feels in the morning. He was so sick, all night and on the way to the hospital, clearly he wasn't getting better. It wasn't the damn mashed potatoes. He insisted everytime he ate them, he got sick. I still haven't eaten mashed potatoes, nor do I think I ever will.

I always think I should've fucking fought harder for him at the hospital. We should've known his heart was bad. Why did they miss that? Because he was only 36. Fuck 36, you can still have heart disease. A good doctor would know better, considering we were on the cardiac floor (constantly hooked up to a heart rate monitor) and he complained of some chest pain, had tachycardia (fast heart rate) and was diabetic. Like do a fucking stress test. Damn. What a mess. I get so mad thinking about it now.

It's hard to think about "what I'm thankful for" when I'm so sad. I'm thankful for those who have supported me throughout all of this. I won't name names, you know who you are. But I can't help being really mad at the same time. Mad that this is my life. Mad that I have to wake up and keep moving, just to survive. Mad that I have to live with a huge hole in my heart and cannot function the way I once did. That's grief. You cannot accomplish what you were once able to when it hurts this bad. Will the day come where I can, yes, but I'm not there.

I'm not ready for a lot of things thanks to this thing called turmoil.

holidays approaching.

As we head into the holidays, I'm reminded of where I was last year at this time. November 5th was the beginning of what is going to be a very, very sad period for me. I am not ready for this. I want more than anything to not have to feel the pain of missing him so much.

I heard an ambulance siren yesterday and immediately was taken back to the two ambulance rides we took for his hospital stays in Chicago. I hear sirens every day and night, but yesterday it triggered a lot more. It was this time last year where I was either at work (trying to work), at home (taking care of him) or running to the hospital as often as I could to make sure he wasn't alone. It was so exhausting but I would do it all over again if I could. I feel like we left so much unanswered and up in the air. I now hate that I ever left his side when he was in the hospital. Why didn't I spend the night every night? Did that upset him? You think so many things when you cannot have answers. It's brutal, but I don't know how to stop it. They are irrational thoughts that eat at my core, making it hard to function anymore.

I have entered into this stage of self-realization. I live alone. I will never bring him coffee with an ice cube. I will never get the paper for him or sit on the couch next to him while he reads the paper. I will never walk into the bedroom and wake him up, or check on him. He will never cook me dinner, as I had to make dinner myself this week and I hated it. I could barely eat because I had to cook, eat and clean. I always cleaned. It's hard to not have a routine anymore when you had the same routine for so long. Scott and I had a rhythm that is no more. Why am I feeling it now? Because all of the things I've tried to fill the void won't work. I'm realizing that I've tried a lot to help fix the hole in my heart and nothing will fix it. I don't know how long it'll be there, but I know he has a piece of me that will be gone forever.

I'm torn. I am lost. I don't know what I need at all. Time away from the day to day? A vacation? To move? It's all so confusing because my brain doesn't work normally. I'm consumed with sadness. I thought it would lift some this week, but it hasn't. I think it's here to stay for a while...as hard as that is for me to admit.

wedding blues

The feelings that I have for Scott have intensified into a world I didn't know existed. When something you wanted with all your heart doesn't happen, you are left with more than a broken heart. You are left with a missing piece of you. A piece you so desperately want because you created it in your head for so long. I will never get that. He will never see me in that amazing wedding dress. He will never slip a ring onto my finger that connects us to one another forever. Our forever is over. It hurts me beyond words. I really do need him. I never knew how much I needed him until I lost him. I want so desperately to see him. I want so desperately for all of this to disappear. I want to run away from the pain. I swear it has never hurt so much.

Our wedding was a day to look forward to, not an anniversary of a sad day. It was a happy day. A happy day turned really sad. When he was sick, I was so faithful that 2011 would be our year. We were getting married! He was excited, he just wanted to get better. I was nervous he wouldn't be better in time for our wedding, and as much as I thought this might kill him, I never actually understood that to be true. It did. All I can think about is him wanting a really nice tuxedo to wear. He wasn't going to rent one, that wasn't Scott. He would wear the nicest, most expensive suit that fit his body well, with a slim-cut. It wasn't even a question what shoes he would wear, some sort of Nike shoes. However, we did speak of having some patent leather in the design. His groomsmen were going to wear Nike's as well and this was going to be their gift from Scott. We spoke about what I would walk down the aisle to, and a Beatles song was probably ideal. "Here comes the sun" was a top runner although Scott mentioned a lot of others. We still had a lot to do. He was going to design everything. Our logo. Our invitations. He wanted to get one of those wax sealers and seal every envelope. That was so important to him as he definitely said it more than once. It would have been a magical day. 

I cannot think beyond me and Scott's wedding right now. I'm so focused in the pain and the hurt that it didn't happen. I cannot look back on it and have a good memory right now. They are all sad. I cannot look ahead and know my "future will be bright." That's too much positive-thinking when I feel this way. Again, the tunnel is dark. The light has diminished as a hope to come out of this grieving journey.

I also stumbled across the wedding gown pictures my mom took. It was beautiful. I will cherish that moment forever, I just wish he were able to see it on me.  

11/5/11

I couldn't help from posting today. Our wedding day. I don't have much to say other than I'm really sad. I miss him so much. More to come soon as I get through this extremely challenging period.  I feel so lost and so beat up, yet again.

Thanks for your support. Much love.

missing him

I've been in an intense emotional roller coaster since 9/11. Hence the hiatus from my blog. Sometimes the feelings are too personal and private to share.

I know the dates that are approaching are looming over my head. Whether I am thinking of them or not, they are coming. I cannot fast forward time, or I would've done that already. I have to face what is in front of me. I feel like I'm hurting people close to me because I'm pulling away, but this is how I know how to react to emotional pain. I want to be alone. I want to hide the pain so that no one can see how deeply it hurts. I don't reach out. I don't want to let on the pain I feel everyday. The loneliness. The incredible pain associated with missing Scott. And wondering how this is all really happening.

While I know this is my life, I sometimes cannot believe it's real. He's really gone. We are really not getting married. I will never wear that perfect dress I picked out for our day. He will never see me walk down the aisle. I wanted it all so badly. He was my best friend. He was my world. I hate knowing I can never confide in him again.

I am in this "phase" of my grief process where I am trying to hold on tight to whatever I have of Scott. It's all that seems normal as we near what would have been our wedding date (11/5/11). And all the dates thereafter. Thanksgiving. Hospital. Getting out. Christmas. Coming back to Chicago. Doctor appointments. Going back to work (me). Death. We weren't back two weeks and he was gone. GONE. I remember it so vividly. It used to feel so long ago, but now it feels like yesterday. That's how bad the pain is again.

I often hate blogging because when I write, I'm in pain. The pain is still there. When will it end? Will it ever end? Is there ever a day when I will get past this? I know the answer is yes, but some days it seems so far away. My life cannot be normal until I can let go of him. I cannot do that yet. I oftentimes try to pack up more of his stuff that I have and I simply can't. I don't want to erase him and I feel that by getting rid of some of the stupid things I have, will mean he's gone. I'm not there yet. I cannot say goodbye.

Sometimes I don't know if it's me that doesn't know how to ask for what I need or if grief doesn't allow you to know. I never truly know what I need. All I know is that I have to feel the pain, as awful as it is.

Remembering 9/11/01

Today is the 10 year anniversary of 9/11/01. I remember seeing the first plane hit as I was getting ready for one of my classes at Western, but had to rush out the door. I thought it was a freak accident. By the time that class was over, the second plane had hit and we were under a terrorist attack. All I could think about was Steve. I knew he lived very close to the Towers. I was in my second class and was trying to call him, and then classes were cancelled for the day and I finally got a hold of him when I went outside. It was music to my ears to hear his voice. He was okay.

I sat and stared at the TV for countless hours. Shocked that this was really happening.

As I sit here today, I never knew how much I would relate to those who lost loved ones. Your husband, wife, father, mother or friend all went to work that morning and you expected them to come home. You expected life. Yet it was taken away so abruptly and tragically. I know what this is like now and my heart is literally empty today for all of those who have experienced such loss.

Today is the first day I'm paying attention to the media coverage. I've been avoiding it. Like a 20 year old said during an interview, he lost his father on 9/11, "anniversaries don't mean anything because you still think of them everyday." He's right. It's still another day of the loss you felt the day before and will continue to experience the rest of your life.

Grieving doesn't appear to have an end.

vacation. self reflection.

I've been on vacation this week, but as of yesterday I'm really using this time to self-reflect. To think about what I want in life and who I am becoming. I am a changed person because of what this year has challenged me with. Challenge isn't a good word. I guess it's the path my life has taken. The reasons are becoming clearer to me. I will always believe that things happen for a reason. I think in a few years I will be able to believe the reasons, but right now I am just playing around with some thoughts.

I'm headed on a road trip today with my mom. We are going to pick up her kitten at 11am tomorrow in Pennsylvania. I know it might be a little hard on me because a little over a year ago, Scott and I were getting our kitten. It might've even been this same weekend, now that I think about it. And damn did his health decline once we got Jasper. But I will embrace this. I will find good out of this trip. There's a reason I'm going back there. Jasper has brought so much happiness to my life and I'm so excited for my mom to have her own special kitty to love her unconditionally, as Jasper loves me (or so he told me!).

It's only a 5 hour drive to the breeder's house and then I think another 4 or 5 to VA. The goal is to drive my mom's car back to VA...we just so happen to be getting a kitten (Edward Miles) along the way! Lots of pictures to come!

I want to slow-down, enjoy life and learn along the way. I will do this.

tired

I'm reading a book from a lady who tragically lost her husband, it's called 'Signs of Life: A Memoir' by Natalie Taylor. She's from MI and it's the first book I've actually read and continued to read since Scott's passing.

I relate to how she views grief. She says it's like losing an arm. Some days you are like "okay, I can do this" and other days you say "what the hell? I cannot fucking live like this!" Well, I put my own spin on her words, but her words are exactly right. I wish there was a reason to why some days are okay, and other days are not. I wish I knew what would trigger me today versus tomorrow. I could look at the same things all day today and be fine, then those same things I looked at the day before, could put me into a severe bout of grief.

It's tiring. I'm tired from it. I am having a hard time functioning, yet again. Or caring about certain things, for that matter. I want to fly away and escape from my mind. It's so frustrating. All so fucking frustrating how it controls my life, I cannot control it yet. I'm not sure that I will try because when I do, it usually comes back to bite me a lot harder...

If you're going through hell, keep going. -Winston Churchill

i'm not okay...i am okay...i'm not okay...

I need to be open about my latest wave of grief. About two weeks ago in therapy, I discovered that I have a LOT of self blame. This feeling initially happened after I learned HOW Scott died and I thought I got over it, but yet I didn't. In my subconscious, I feel that I could have done more.

And I will tell you that I KNOW I did everything I could to save him, I was fighting with all my heart and that it wasn't my fault, however I cannot neglect these genuine feelings that I have, as irrational as they might be. It's all part of the process so bare with me.

I cannot focus on "it wasn't your fault Grayson." I have to focus what I feel today and that is that I blame myself and have a lot of guilt about his death. It is affecting every aspect of my life. It's holding me back from being happy to my core and happy about life and happy to be where I am. I have not let go of Scott as I feel I failed him. If you feel you fail someone, it's almost like it hurts so bad that I don't deserve to feel happy. It's a tough emotion to discuss to be honest.

There is no magical answer as to "when" this feeling will pass. I need to write. I need to feel. I need to hit a fucking low, which I'm in. I'm allowing myself an open mind to think really bad things, because I think it will help me. If you say sorry enough, maybe that will help. You just have to fucking sit with the guilt and the pain for it to ease. And as they say, time does help grief. I HATE that saying. It annoys me. I don't want time. I want to snap my fingers and be myself. That won't happen. I'm learning about myself and I'm allowing myself to feel what I need to feel and that is that I blame me.

I feel like I let him down. His son, his family. I let myself down. I wanted to save him, but maybe he didn't want to be saved. I fought as if I were sick, when I wasn't. I was so consumed by him. He was my addiction and now I'll never get my fix. My fix has to come in other ways and they have to be for ME, not through someone else, as co-dependent as I am (another fun thing to work on once this passes!!).

My sister told me last weekend how proud of me she was because I was so self-aware. I've never been this self-aware in my life. I've always neglected myself and helped others. Scott's death has forced me to examine my own life, which adds another layer of pain to the grief. It felt good to hear she was proud of me though. My sister and I have an amazing relationship and she's the one person I know will understand my pain. She gets it. She listens. She knows it fucking sucks. Without her, I"m not sure how this journey would've played out. I love you K.

She also sent me an image of a magnet she saw. It says "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." I need to fix myself in order to create myself because for the first time in probably 15 years, I am me. Not Grayson, me.

7-10-11

Today is your birthday. Although it's not really a day to celebrate for me. What becomes of your birthday? I think in time I will be able to think of this day as a celebratory day...but today it's not. Today is a day when we should've been in LA. Should have been reliving our engagement a year ago...today. Today is a weird day.

I'm in Chicago, surrounded by love, but you're not here. Maybe you're with me and I don't even know it. Maybe you're not.

I am going to Bahai temple today to grieve. I've never heard of this place, however I hear it's beautiful and very spiritual. It's a place where I want to remember your life and remember how you loved me and tell myself that you're exactly where you need to be.

I don't even know if I can say happy birthday, as I cannot celebrate your birth because your death is still too fresh. Six months today. At this time 6 months ago you were pronounced DOA. A day that I will never forget, but a day that has forever changed my life, as you know.

RIP Pumpkin. You're always on my mind, especially today.

(I will write more later. I know I will be hit with a lot of emotion and sadness when I'm at the temple...)

and...it's the 6 month anniversary

January 9, 2011 was the day I found him dead. Today is July 9, 2011.

I get confused is it the date or the day? Who cares. It's fucking here.  My life has changed for sure. I'm trying to focus on those changes because they bring me happiness. They are love.

I'm thankful my mom is here this weekend. She's always here. She's been by my side my entire life, but even moreso over the last 9 or 10 months starting when Scott was so sick. I'm a lucky girl to have the relationship I do with her. She will do anything for me that I need, even when I don't know what that is.

Today, we're going furniture shopping for a new shelving unit. I need a large new item of furniture that I can make all mine. 100% Grayson. Hello Kitty is probably going to be included in some type of figurine. Why? Cause I love Hello Kitty and because it's what I want. I'm looking forward to starting to piece my life together in my way, on my time table.

I've grown. I'm aware of me, yet there's still a lot of learning to do...

a year ago today...

Well, the day is here (sort of). One year ago today, I was flying to LA, for what I thought was just another annual trip, although deep down, I had hoped the ring was coming.

I've been up since 3:30am today. Maybe because we took the early flight a year ago, maybe because a lot of things. I'm sad. I wish I could say goodbye. I should be in LA right now.

Tomorrow is the official date in which we got engaged and his birthday, but today is Saturday and we left on Saturday last year.

I've been trying to fill a void all week. It cannot be filled. The void is Scott. The void hurts. Looking for an itch and not being able to scratch it 24 hours a day. I try to run, layout, read, etc. and nothing works. I want to smoke. That won't work. Nothing will work. I'm missing him in a new way now. I'm missing him because I know he's gone and won't come back. Before when I missed Scott, I was aching for him to hold me, kiss me, touch me, and I thought he would come back because I was in denial. Now I know. Now my reality is he's dead. I've accepted that.

My therapist pointed out when I said "I'm so low and depressed" that I'm not depressed and I haven't reached a new low. I'm grieving and the low feels so low because the feelings are so strong because this is my reality now. I know he's gone. Whereas before, I didn't know what to feel. It was such a tragedy, such a fucking loss and blow to my heart. I know everything now so when Monday night I couldn't breathe or stop crying, that was because the feelings were so fucking strong they were pretty much knocking me out.

This is no joke. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be done with it all. Fuck no it doesn't work that way. I sometimes feel like I'm dwelling, I'm not. I'm grieving. I've accepted that. I often wonder if others around me understand that. More on that later.

So here we are, the weekend when I thought my life was changing for the better. Yet 6 months ago, my life fell apart. I've put pieces in place for a new life, but my new life isn't on full throttle or cruise control yet. It's still a walking disaster sometimes. Life is hard. While I'm so thankful of what I have in my life, meaning Brian and my wonderful friends  and family, I hate to know what I had to go through to get here. Someday, I know I will see all the good that comes from grieving, whereas now I only see snippets and it's even harder to see when you're sad.

I need to live in the now because when I don't, I think too much about "what I should be doing" or "is this right" or "is that wrong...." It's a slippery slope and I'm so fucking ready for it to be normal, however my normal might not ever be so normal.

More to come as the feelings come this weekend. I wasn't expecting to feel the sadness today, I just cannot help but think of Scott and I heading in a cab to LA, then him proposing and my mom walking around the corner for the ultimate surprise. He knew me well and loved me deeply. That is what I miss the most.

triggers

I'm so thankful that I have such an amazing therapist. When I'm not feeling so human or rational, she somehow manages to link things together in a beautiful way. I'm lucky to have her.

So it occurred to me not only am I hitting a sad place due to this upcoming weekend, but also because I was surrounded by triggers this weekend. Triggers so small I didn't even realize it would set me off, but a lot of triggers can lead to one, epic breakdown, which I definitely had. Finding the glasses was the tip of the iceberg. When my therapist first asked if there was anything else triggering these feelings outside of the glasses, I said "nope, I had a great weekend!" However, as I was talking more, it all started coming out.

Being aware of the little things is important to note because you don't even realize the impact of the smallest things.

a new low, 6 month approaches...

The six month anniversary of Scott's death is on Saturday. A year ago on Saturday, I was flying to LA, getting engaged and celebrating his birthday. The day is jam-packed with memories and now, it holds even more. The most crude memory I could ever ask for on a day that was one of the best days of my life. I will cherish that day forever, but it will also cause me so much pain as the pain is almost unbearable now. 

This feeling has been brewing since my birthday and Father's Day. The end of June through July 10th. I knew this time would be hard, but I didn't realize how hard it would hit me. I literally feel as though Scott died today. Just hearing the news. I am shocked. I don't know what I need. I don't know what to do. I know I need to take care of me, but what the fuck does that mean when the pain hurts so bad? If someone could answer that, I swear you would be known as a "God" among grievers. 

Last night I was getting nail polish out of a cabinet and stumbled across a pair of Scott's glasses. So I opened them and notice smudges on the glasses. I could see a smudge where my nose had hit the glasses, from kissing him. There was some normal debris from wearing glasses along the nose area and it was HIS debris. His skin. Him. It hurts so bad. How was he taken away so quickly? I don't understand how the pain can come back so strongly again. It feels so raw and so fresh. I thought the last six months I had healed some. It sure as fuck doesn't feel like that today. Is this only a quick, temporary lapse in time? It hurts so bad, straight to my core. I'm a walking zombie today.

I tried to go to work, however that was dumb considering I could barely open my eyes they were so swollen from tears. I sit down at work, type a few emails and then the tears are uncontrollable. I came home and tried to sleep some of the sadness away, however I woke up and it's still there. This is a pain that will not go away. You cannot snap your fingers or distract yourself. Nothing will take the pain away. You just have to sit in it and hope to whoever (not God in my case) you're strong enough to get through. It holds you captive. It doesn't let go as much as you want to push it off. It won't budge. I imagine it to be like wanting to run away from someone trying to stab you, however you can't move and you're just forced to take all the stabs...however I'm thinking that might eventually feel numb. This feeling doesn't feel numb. I feel numb to those around me, however the feeling is there again. 

I feel like I'm in the black hole that I worked so hard to get out of. I feel so confused by life and the path that I'm on. I honestly feel lost and so alone, yet again. I don't understand this. I don't understand why it has to be this way. 

I wish he would show me a sign. Show me a sign that he is okay. He is in a better place. I feel like I need him to tell me that he's okay. I don't feel I can keep moving on sometimes until I know that he is. I know this won't happen. I know I have to be the one to move on. He isn't here to tell me that it's okay. I have to make it okay. That was my relationship with him, always making sure he was okay and now I can't do that. I wish someone could tell me it will be okay. They can, but how do you believe what you can't feel yourself? 

Here it is again. Slapped in the face with the most unbearable pain. 

father's day

Yesterday was Father's Day and I was worried how I would handle it. Father's Day has always been a tricky one for me, given some challenges I've faced with my own father. I had my first panic/anxiety attack 9 years ago on Father's Day, at a movie theatre. It was not fun, but I'm also not the same person I was back then.

Father's Day was the first "milestone" since Scott's death and I felt his absence. He should've been with his son. It makes me think of all that he's missing and all that Chaz will miss from his father as he grows older and it makes more sense to him. He often speaks of "when dad was alive..." and it honestly tugs at my heart. I'm so glad he's speaking of his father this way. I hope Scott is smiling somewhere when he hears Chaz say that. Chaz will always remember his father because he was such a big part of his life, even though we lived in Chicago. I'm also very thankful Chaz has such a great stepfather, which will be an integral part of his life as he gets older :)

I went to see X-MEN last night with B and I couldn't help but think that Scott should be watching this with Chaz. It's something they would do together and both really enjoy. I was usually along for the ride but liked to be a part of what they enjoyed. Sometimes when I see movies I think of all the things Scott is missing and it makes me sad. But my life has to carry-on. I have to accept my sadness because I'm not sure if will ever fully go away.

I'm proud of myself for seeing a movie on Father's Day. It's a tough day. Thanks to my amazing boy too for spending the day with me. I'm grateful and full of love today.

need change...

I have this really strong urge for change. I'm not sure what that means yet, but I want major change. I'm taking baby steps at the moment, which seems to help, but it's not really alleviating the feeling/urge that I have.

At work, I cleaned up my office and got a laptop instead of a desktop. I'm really liking that change. Smalls things do count.

Tonight, in my blur of sadness, I rearranged/organized a bit at my apartment. Scott and I collected anime girl dolls/action figure things and I took them down. It hurt to see them. I want this place to look like me and I think he strongly encouraged those purchases. I like the girls, but that's not what I want. I want change! I want me. I want new. I want Grayson. Sometimes when I look around at my apartment, it's hard to look at everything. Everything reminds me of him, which is okay, however it's causing a lot of pain this week. I cannot balance it very well right now. A huge part of it is the apartment building. Maybe I should've thought that through better, but when he first died, I wanted to hang on for as long as I could. As time progresses, it's really hard to be reminded sometimes because it hurts. I've never had a bad breakup in a relationship where I got dumped and that's what this feels like, probably times a million. It's open-ended. There's not closure unless I create the closure. I think of closure as mutual, not one-sided. I need to find a way for total closure, however I'm not sure that is ever possible to be honest. I will always think of him. Closure is moving on, which I'm doing, but it still feels like it's all left open because I'm not saying "Scott, I've moved on" to HIM. Yes I've said it in writing or to myself, but not to his physical self. I struggle with that. How do you make that better?

That was a long paragraph (sorry K!!!).

This was a ramble of sorts. I'll hopefully come to a happy medium on whatever "change" I am looking for. It might just be a new piece of furniture. It might be a new piece of art.

One change that I am happy about is how much I am running. It's a huge release for me. I get a lot sorted through in my brain. I wish I could run all day, everyday sometimes. However my legs would fall off. It's liberating and I think it's been a good, healthy outlet for me. Instead of smoking, I run. I want to continue to get better at it. I like seeing improvements in my speed and ability to go further. It makes me smile. I'm ready to run right now actually.

upcoming dates without him

All I can think about lately are these key dates that are quickly approaching. Father's Day is Sunday, my birthday is next Thursday and then Scott's birthday and our engagement is July 10th.

It makes me sad. Very sad actually that he won't be here for Father's Day. It was always a big day for him to spend with Chaz. He was such an amazing father and I hate that Chaz doesn't have his dad physically here anymore. It breaks my heart because I've never seen love the way I saw Scott loving his son. It was magical. I always envied that love but realize it's a special love between a father and son.

I started this post before work and now it's 10pm. I had therapy today and couldn't go back to work afterwards. I was so sad. So sick of feeling the way that I do. So tired of always being emotional and feeling lost within myself. I feel like I'm an emotional basket case and I fear this is the "new me." My therapist reassured me, it's not. I'm grieving. I've suffered great loss. Only time will help.

I often get annoyed with the assumptions that "I'm okay." Just because I smile and can laugh, doesn't mean I'm happy. I still fucking hurt every single day. This is what I hate. I want it to be over. I don't want to have to hurt everyday. I miss him. And missing him hurts me. It sometimes just feels like a big slap in the face.

I am breaking down. I'm allowing the time I need to break down. I need to be alone, so I'm alone. I'm taking care of me. I'm feeling what I need to feel, although it still hurts. It's like being sick but not knowing what you need to get better. "Time heals" is the worst fucking saying ever. I hate it. I'm ready to get on with my life, yet I cannot speed up this process like I wish I could. That's my personality. I just have to sit back and let it control my life. I cannot control this. I can only TRY to live with it and not piss off a lot of people along the way :)

This is why grieving sucks. I'm glad the name of my blog still makes sense.

roller coaster. I want off.

I need to post more often. I think about it, but I don't do it. I want to do other things sometimes, not just focus on my feelings, however I have noticed that I am neglecting my feelings a bit.

Last week was a rough week emotionally. Work was really getting to me, but it's gotten much better now. I am re-energized to be here and do what I know I can do well. It feels really good, I'm glad the feeling is back cause I was a little worried.

Sometimes I am still really sad. It's because I've had enough. I'm emotionally drained. I've said that before prior to all of these tragedies happening in my life and now I can truly say it because I get what it means. I cannot process additional emotions well right now. My therapist told me not to make any major decisions for 3 months and she's right. I have so many things running around in my head, but I need to let them run around a bit longer. I need the next 3 months to be the most rewarding months of my life. Yes there will be hurdles, but I want it clear of tragedies and unexpected loss. I want to know that I can be okay again. While I know I will be, it's sometimes hard to remain positive since the loss of my brother. It was even more of a slap in the face that life sucks and I certainly don't want this to always be my life. I don't want to fear the worse, however how can I not? It's really hard to be optimistic at times, which is new to me.I hate that. I sort of hate how Tyler's death affected me. It made me more negative and bitter, which are feelings that will go away, I'm just angry...it's all part of this grieving process.

I find myself wanting to just live, forgetting about everything that has happened. But, I don't think that's possible. When I do that, there is always irrational behavior involved where I take my subconscious feelings out on someone else. Basically, I'm not dealing with my feelings. I think I need to write more. I need to release what I feel to feel better.

While I have started to run a lot more, I'm not sure that running will release this level of emotions. There seem to be so many, heightened to a degree of non-normal. This is what I wish would subside. I just want to be normal again. Although I was never normal, would love to go back to my baseline emotional level. That would be ideal. I don't want to always be an emotional roller-coaster, never knowing if I'll be spinning, up, down, left, ride, sideways, etc.

make it stop.

My head is so foggy today. I have done this before. Headed back to work after a death. It's complicated. I don't feel focused or energized to be here. I feel lost and overwhelmed with what I missed and how to get back on track. It's amazing how life moves forward when tragedy happens. For me, life seems to stop, then you have to run to catch up on what you've missed. I hate that feeling.

There's nothing you can really do about it, except accept it. Sometimes I want to be so negative and let my emotions take over. I'm frustrated that this is all happening. This is all so real and feels surreal

My perspective drastically changed when Scott passed, now the feeling is even more valid with Tyler's passing. Things just don't matter the way they once did. Will they ever? I don't know. It was getting better, but then Tyler died and it all kind of hit again. It's a challenging mind game, but hopefully as my life continues to move forward, this will get easier.

I love where my life is going, yet it was a really painful way to get here and I want the pain to stop. I want to be happy everyday. I want life to be easy, however I'm not sure what "easy" is. I don't think that exists for anyone to be honest. Maybe "easier" is the better word. I wish I could snap my fingers and my head would clear. There is so much noise in there as I figure out my life. I'm along for the ride, but I sure as hell hope the cruise control is set to happy for a while.

a sad day review

Today was really hard, obviously. The funeral was at a church so different than a funeral home. Different meaning, it was unknown to me the "process" of how it all worked. The family stayed off in a room while friends gathered in the church. The chorus began singing and the family was escorted to the front of the church. All eyes starring. It was very sad. I was sobbing the entire time. I didn't like being the center of the stage for all people to see. Wasn't I supposed to be walking down a wedding aisle?

Tyler's two girl friends sang a Jimmy Eat World song called "Hear You Me." It is one of my favorite songs and it reminded me a lot of Scott since he was a Jimmy Eat World fan as well. I had an epic breakdown because it was sang acoustic style and Katy sang it beautifully. I will cherish that song even more now.

We spent the day in Fort Worth at my stepsisters house with the Ellwood family. It was nice, but I needed to be alone for a bit. We came back to the hotel and I immediately went to the pool. I needed it. I still need it. I need a major decompression. I'm so sick of feeling sad. I'm sick of the stress it's causing me. It's making it hard for me to think rationally and I get bent out of shape over the smallest of things. My anxiety is at an all time high. I hope that I stabilize a bit when I get home to Chicago. I need to relax...somehow. I think there is pooltime in my near future for sure.

After the pool, we got my brother and went to dinner. It was so nice. It was nice to see him smile and be the typical witty Charles that I love so much. I'm so thankful that I was able to spend a lot of time with him. He's such a special soul. I worry about him deeply. How can I not? I want to make sure he's okay every single day!

Now, as I am sitting in the hotel writing, my anxiety is high. I hated saying goodbye to my brother and saying goodbye forever to my other brother. I had a moment on the elevator where I felt like the walls were closing in on me. It was a weird physical experience. I am at an emotional breaking point. I think I've had all I can take. Life cannot give me more. This is it for a while. My plate is completely full.

I hate knowing I'll never see him again. I wish I could sit him down one more time. I wish I could hear him laugh one more time. I said the same things about Scott. Cherish every moment you have with those you love. Honestly. I need to take my own advice too. Once my stress levels return to normal, I will be able to do this. Right now, I'm too fucking heightened by life.

Can't deal!

funeral 2

As I'm getting ready to attend my second funeral of the year, I cannot help but be reminded of my feelings on January 15th. Granted, I was on auto-pilot that day. Literally people telling me what moves to make and today I am not like that. Today I can think. Today I have an open mind and a clear head. Ready for what the day might bring.

I need to remember to stay focused on myself and not what others are saying or what others are not saying. I cannot grieve for others. I can only grieve for myself. That's very important to understand and remember. I do think there is a right and wrong way to grieve and the wrong way is NOT grieving, which so many people around me are doing. That is what is so upsetting.

Here we go.

again. here we go.

So here I am. In Michigan. For a funeral. I've been through this before. I'm here to travel with my family to Texas tomorrow morning. I hate that I'm attending another funeral. I hate that this is truly happening, this is my reality right now. I wish I could curl into a little ball. I truly do.

My emotions are so raw. My patience is so thin. I don't have it in me to do this again, yet I know I will. I cannot guarantee I'll be able to attend all the dinners and shit, but I can promise that I'm there for my other brother, Charles. I want to be his rock. His guiding light if you will. That will give me strength, knowing that I am helping him. I cannot bullshit. I won't act fake. I am me now. I'm an emotional, straight-forward, direct "hot mess." I cannot sugar-coat. And where I'm going, I'll need to do this, and I know I can't, which is why there are some "gatherings" that I might not be able to do. I'm glad Casey and I have our own rental car. We can whisk Charles away and do whatever. If he wants. I just need to be flexible I guess. Flexible to heal. Flexible to my emotions and what I need. I'm still on a really emotional ride and I fear if I'm not careful, I might not be going in the direction I want to go.

I feel pretty confident that I'm aware of what I am feeling. I know it's okay if I cannot attend everything. What's important is that I'm there for  the loss of Tyler and for Charles, however he might need me. I will do my best. That's all I will ever give.

strength & sadness

I do not know where I find the strength to stand sometimes. I don't want my strength to be tested any further. I get it, I'm strong. I'm sick of it. I want to fall apart, but it's almost like I don't know how. Where some people cannot find strength to carry-on, I do not feel as though I can find weakness.

The weakness is making me stronger. The pain is making me stronger. I am really struggling, but somehow managing to move forward.

I fear what the weekend brings. I fear what will happen to me emotionally knowing I'm at a funeral. What feelings will resurface? This will truly be a test in my opinion of how far I've come. I know how low the lows can be. I never want to go back there. I cannot avoid it if it happens, but I will do all that I can to stay away from that. I have to remember and feel the strength of how far I've come. Grieving is an intense fucking process that has no rules. It's almost like your mind makes the rules for you as you go. It's hard to explain.

Life has a completely new perspective for me. When Scott died, it opened my eyes to many things, now they are really wide open. However, I am having a better time managing my frustration by knowing that not everyone has the same perspective on life as I do.

I am so sad today. Really down, but still moving. Not knowing what I need, except time I guess.

RIP my dear brother. I love you.

My brother Tyler, 23 years old, passed away on Saturday night. I heard he was missing through a post on FB and almost knew instantly that he was dead. I had a gut feeling. A true instinct telling me this. I reached out to him via phone and text, but got no response. I woke up on Sunday and was thinking he was found, based on a note I got back from his aunt, but when his aunt got to his apartment he was dead. He had died on Saturday night. Cause of death is unknown right now. It's all so fucking sad. I said that I hope to hell that we don't end up gathering at his funeral someday. He was on a better path, with working for his aunt's company and starting his design company, then BAM! the drugs took over. It takes ONE time. That is all. I told him how much I loved him and he told me how fucked up some of his actions were and that he was on a natural high from working out in SF. I told him how much I loved him, but I didn't trust him. I said you have to prove to me you're serious this time and here we are...the drugs won. Or so it seems.

I am so fucking sad again. It's not as deep of a sadness as I've experienced before, but i don't understand life. Why is this all happening? Why has this year been really fucking shitty? Why have I gone from losing one loved one when I was like 8 to losing two people in a matter of 4 months? I don't get it. What I do get is life is too fucking short. It changes in one instant.

I've learned so fucking much about grieving since January, that I know what to expect. I know how to feel, I know what this is. I hate fucking knowing. I'm 30 years old and know all about autopsy, coroner, death certificates, transferring of bodies, funeral homes and fucking all this bullshit process. It's fucking UNREAL. I am mad. I am angry. I don't get why I feel as though I'm being tested. I have a foundation. The feeling I have isn't the same as when Scott passed. The loss is different, however there is an underlying feeling that is the same. It's sad, it's tragic and sudden and you have so many unanswered questions.

What I am taking from this is reaffirming my role in life. I want to live. I want to fill my life with love and happiness, because it's so short. There is no time to waste in my opinion. I want to help others more so than ever and I will. Tyler's death is burning the light brighter from within. I wish I could've saved him, but he wasn't ready. I'm sure a lot of family and friends wish they could've done more, but the fact is, that he's gone. I cannot go back and think of ways I could've done more. I want to, but know that is not productive.

He was a troubled soul. There are so many people out there who are troubled and you would never know. That is who I will help. I want to help.

It doesn't take away from the fact that he died much too young. He was a talented, loving, caring and gentle brother. This isn't supposed to be happening. I wanted him to find his way.

RIP Tyler. I love you. I am blessed to have had you in my life and so thankful we had that final facetime conversation. I will cherish that moment forever.

pueblo bonita rose

Eating at one of the sister hotels (Pueblo Bonita Rose). It was definitely more of a family setting than our hotel. I LOVE our hotel. It's an older crowd, no screaming kids or douchebags whatsoever. Pure relaxation!

I haven't been that impressed with the food here. It's been mediocre. We had a pasta dish as part of the Chef Selection menu at this restaurant that was really good. I've been gravitating towards lots of salads, margaritas and chips/salsa/guac. I've been eating plenty though. I think I've gained 5 pounds...hopefully it's all water weight from the salty margs and chips. haha.

my mission

The more I think about my journey, the more I want to help others. Grieving is so complex, but also simple in knowing the underlying feeling of loss. When grieving is unexpected, I think there are different emotions at play, however this is where I would love to do some research. I want to change lives. I want to become an expert. I want to put my stamp on this world because I know that I can relate. I have always wanted to help people, whether drug addicts or people who were abused, but I couldn't really relate, except for reading, but now I can relate. That's is driving me toward this. Driving me towards change.

And I don't want to do anything small, I want to make a big impact, which will require a lot of thinking and researching to understand how this can happen. I know there is a huge opportunity out there for what I want to do, it's just a matter of discovering the best path forward.

I have faith in myself. I am proud of my journey. I will never forget the feelings I have experienced, ever. I will not lose sight of what I have been through because I now carry it with me everywhere I go. Scott was a special person. My heart will always be hurt and feel the loss of his love.

self-reflection

My day consisted of:

1. Working out
2. Laying by the pool, then beach
3. Swimming
4. Eating and drinking
5. Listening to music
6. THAT'S IT!!!!!!!

It feels amazing. I have been self-reflecting all day. I was able to think freely, without distraction.

I didn't know what this trip would do to me mentally, knowing that Scott's not here. I wouldn't be on this trip if he were alive, I'm guessing. That happens a lot. I find myself saying "I wouldn't be doing this if..." and that's unfortunate. I should've been able to do everything when he was alive, yet somehow I didn't. It's one of those lessons that I've learned and have changed about myself. Doing things that make me happy, not just a partner. Am I completely healed of this? No. But I'm aware of it and work on it all the time.

I am feeling good right now. I have moments where I miss Scott a lot. I know this will not go away, nor do I want it to. He was a big part of my life and still will be. I was putting his beats by dre headphones on yesterday (on the plane) and I found one of his hairs in the ear part...it made me cry. I have moments like this all the time. But it's a different kind of missing and sadness. It's not full on depression mode, it seems like a healthy sadness/grieving. It's really hard to describe actually. I think it's because I've completely accepted his death and have found closure in how he died. It has allowed me to heal a big part of myself that really needed to be healed. I hated not knowing. Now that I know, it doesn't make the pain less, but it does allow you to start thinking differently and sort of seal the envelope of questions that are in my brain. The worry is gone about that.

The next order of business for the week is sleep. I've got to get my body used to sleeping again. I hope that this week will allow that to happen. I still feel afraid sometimes to sleep. Afraid of what might or might not happen. It's hard to describe as well. Once my body gets used to sleeping more normally, I should start to get back in the habit of going to bed at a reasonable time and hopefully staying asleep throughout the night. Right now I'm surviving on minimal sleep. Last night I slept well, but woke up pretty early. I'll take it though!

More to come throughout my trip. I'm focusing my attention to myself and feeling good whatever that might mean.

hiatus...til next week!

For all those wondering why I haven't updated, I am okay, just super busy at work.

Since I'll be on the beach all week next week (in CABO), I will be updating a LOT! So get ready!!! See below for where I'll be staying...I think I'll be in good hands :)

the margarita tour begins (Blue Agave)

Saturday was the first of many, many fun margarita nights with Lauren. We are going to check out all kinds of mexican restaurants and rate the margaritas, chips & salsa.

We went to Blue Agave on Saturday. The chips and salsa were amazing, however the first frozen marg I ordered tasted like lime water, so our waitress (who we became besties with), told us the way to go is on the rocks. And she was right. Each marg had 2.5 shots of tequila!! That's a lot for my lil old body! Needless to say, Lauren and I were living it up. Laughing to the point of major stomach pain.

I love laughing like that. I could barely catch my breath it was so intense! After about 2 margs each we headed out for a walk. We were off to explore the bars on Division and we both had stomachaches from too much SALT so we thought a lil workout was in order.

We didn't make it far, before we got whisked into a bar called "Detention" because of my pink hair. They treated us like "VIPs" and gave us a "free shot." However, please note that NO ONE was in the bar except for one group of dudes having a bachelor party and then the wait staff. The free shot was kool-aid or cranberry juice because the manager did the shot with us...I mean there was no alcohol in there. haha. We stayed for all of 1 drink that Lauren and I shared, then LEFT. Pretty much ran out of there. The next bar we slipped into was sooo douchey. They were playing like cheesy wedding songs, "Celebrate good times..." and some other song. I hate that shit! I want to hear dance music at the bar, not stupid wedding/DJ songs! So we left there. And we tried to go to the Hangge Uppe, but there was a $5 cover so we said fuck that. We went to my place. We are so lame, it's great!

We tried to stop by Argo Tea, but it was after 11 and they were closed. So at my house we drank water to calm our stomachs from too much acid, tequila and salt!!!!! It was a really, really fun night. I cannot wait to explore more margarita establishments and friends are always welcome to join is on our adventure!

Also, pink hair really gets noticed out there. It was all the rage. I have to say, no one else had it. I never want to get rid of it because it's so rare and I think it's a great accessory and is a part of who I am now.

I woke up on Sunday, after sleeping 10 hours and am feeling great today. I thought I would have a very productive day, but not all the places I needed to go are open. So I went to PetSmart, Whole Foods and Walgreen's. I really needed Target, but nope. Closed for easter. The tanning place was closed too. BOO! Everyone was all dressed up on the streets today, except me. It was funny. It took me a minute to realize why everyone was wearing dresses. duh.

Overall, a fantastic weekend.

carrying the weight of the world...

Today was a tough one.

While I prepared myself as best as I could to be "ready" to know the answer to Scott's death, you can never fully be ready to hear what I heard today. "Accidental" death. To me, this means it could've been avoided. That word is so harsh and sounds like an oxy-moron. It's so...preventable to me. Not that I can change anything and firmly believe that things happen for a reason, however, I am mostly pissed off at medical staff for overlooking this potential problem. I will put this into teaching others somehow. I don't know what that will look like yet, but I will do my best to save lives. Even if it's one person. Doctors and family members need to understand how dangerous heart disease and medications can be...especially if they are NOT looking at the overall health of the person, and only focusing on "their discipline." i.e. heart, stomach, mental, etc.  PAINT THE FULL PICTURE ASSHOLES!!!!

Today has been heavy. My mind is racing. It's telling me things that I don't want to listen to, like "you could've stopped this, you could've been more careful, you could've prevented this. If only"...however...

I KNOW that I could not have saved him. I KNOW I did all I could for him. However, the thoughts are still there. My thoughts are getting more rational as the day progresses, so I will take that as a good sign. I know he's not coming back. I know that he's where he's supposed to be. He's actually where he wants to be. Unfortunately, that's not what anyone wants to hear, but believe me when I say, he's okay with it.

It doesn't make the pain any less for those who loved him. And that I did. Very much. I have a big heart and it loves so unconditionally. I think he showed me how much I can love, which I am very thankful for. I wanted to be his everything, and I think I was. Actually, I know I was. While I could not save him, I have to have faith that I was in his life for a reason and purpose. I know he was brought into my life for many reasons. One of the many is, I have wonderful friends who I met through Scott. I thank my lucky stars everyday for those who are in my life because of him. He was great at reading people and only kept people in his life who were genuinely amazing, now these people are in my life forever.

I've truly accepted the fact that he's gone. I hope to find closure from the information I learned today. I still have a million questions running through my head. I have to be okay with the fact that I will never have all the answers. I have to be okay with the fact that I cannot ask him how he died. That would be way too easy. His heart stopped. I'll take that as a sign he didn't struggle and it was quick. I would hate for him to suffer and now I am pretty confident that he didn't. Amen for that.

accidental death

I talked to ME today. It completely threw me off-guard because I was about to start a meeting, answered my phone, then realized who it was. So I excused the person out of my office and took the call.

There are two parts to his death. The final ruling is accidental. Part one is coronary atherosclerosis (artery blockage) and part two is drug levels (of some meds he was taking). The nortriptyline was a medication he was taking for depression at night.

When I first spoke to the ME, I didn't know what to say. What he was telling me lead me to believe he killed himself. Even though I checked all the medicines the day of his death and thought everything looked okay. I would've known if he took medications because I watched them, just to be sure. I called the ME back about an hour later with some questions.

1) Did his heart stop?
2) How many pills does the level equate to?

Answers:
1) Yes, his heart stopped.
2) He cannot tell me this. I asked if maybe his body wasn't breaking down meds like a normal, healthy person and he said yes, it's very hard to say because of his current condition. He also said that the level in Scott's body was not a suicidal level. It was accidental. He also brought up hyper-thryroidism and this could contribute to his accelerated heart rate. WTF. I mean, can anyone become a doctor? Why is no one putting two and two together of ALL of our fucking hospital visits...it's so fucking outrageous that some doctors call themselves that.

Anyways...

I administered all his medications. I have no idea why the level in his body was a toxic level. I cannot help but think I somehow fucked up the meds I was giving him. I know I cannot think this way, but it has entered my mind since this all so fresh in my head. I don't remember giving him two doses that night. I vividly remember giving him one dose, and checking his blood pressure before he went to bed. Obviously my mind is racing.

I know I cannot go back and change anything. I seriously think that his body was just like "fuck you, I cannot do this anymore." He was so small, so sick and the medication dose just might've been too high. I looked up information on Nortriptyline and it's a medication that needs to be monitored to ensure you do not reach a toxic level. Would've been good to know. And also, if you do enter a toxic level, it's causes major cardiac issues...i.e. exactly what happened to Scott. So this, plus his heart disease, lead to his death.

He had another level of an anti-depressant in his body, but it was at a therapeutic level. He wasn't even taking this medication and had been off of it for probably like 4 weeks so I thought it was odd it was still in his body, but I have known this for a while now. This lead me to believe that his body must not have been getting rid of meds or something. I cannot play doctor, although I think I'm smarter than a lot of doctors out there about putting the pieces together, I can only move forward. I can only cherish the time we had and know that he's not suffering anymore.

That's all I got for now. I need therapy. I need to be okay with what I've learned today and right now I am okay, but not great. I'm glad to  know, but my mind really does keep racing with "how could this happen, what could I have done, did I kill him, etc. etc. etc."........

sleep deprived

I feel very sleep deprived today. While I slept good, I could not sleep anymore this morning. I woke up early and just decided to get up and start my day. I wish I could sleep like I used to...but I have a feeling that won't come for a while.

I also think I'm afraid to sleep. Afraid of what I might dream, afraid of what I might see. I need to work through this a bit in therapy. I don't see images of him anymore when I go to sleep. Well, I take that back,  I do have visuals sometimes of how I found him, but it's not as much as it used to be. Which I am thankful for...it wasn't a good way to find someone you love.

Being this tired is like being hungover. At least, that's what it's like for me. I am foggy, can't think well. Feel sick to my stomach. It's intense. And just from ONE night of not sleeping enough, even though I slept. It's like I'm fighting with my sleep!! Stupid.

blessed

I feel very blessed today. Not in a religious way. But a fortunate way. I really have some amazing people in my life, who are so supportive and loving. A lot of these people are in Michigan, and I was so afraid to move back to Chicago in March, but I'm realizing that I can be okay here. Even though I have so many people I love in Michigan, I'm still keeping in touch and maintaining these friendships from Chicago. I was fearful that when I left MI, I would lose touch with everyone, but I haven't and they haven't allowed that to happen! Thankfully.
I cannot wait to explore Chicago and learn more about the neighborhoods (during the summer!). Art festivals, live music, good food, dancing, drinks, weird stores...I could go on and on. If only the weather would get a little warmer, I could start this process now! :) I also plan to blog about my experiences this summer so everyone can be a part of what I'm experiencing!

a new day

I didn't go to work yesterday. When the sadness hits, I need to take care of it right away and allow myself to feel. Work is a good distraction at times, but not when I am that sad and confused. I'm at a good place and need to ensure I'm allowing the feelings to hit when they hit. I never want to run away from them, because that could be disaster later!

I feel great today. The bounceback was quicker than I'm used to. I'll take that as a good sign for now, until I know otherwise. It's cold, rainy and gross outside, but yet I still feel good. I thought I would only be happy on sunny days, however that's not true. Yes, the sunshine helps, but I can still be happy when it's "not so happy" looking outside!

I didn't sleep that great on my new mattress. I slept, and went to bed early, however I kept waking up. I hear a weird noise in this apartment at night. It's not coming from my apartment, but I can hear it. Weird.

Also just realized I owe the ME a call...

WARNING: This is an INTENSE post. Swearing, honest, raw emotion.

EDIT: Nothing happened to make me write this. There is not one situation where I needed to type this. It's just part of the process that I am going through. Yes, I am angry, but they are internal struggles. No one has upset me. :)

Well the baseball bat has hit me again. And fucking when it hits, it hits so hard. Since I was having so many good days consistently, this was bound to happen. It's inevitable. It's good and it's bad. It's good because I know that I am still grieving. I'm not "over it" and when the sadness hits, I MUST deal with it in order to get better. I sometimes wish I didn't have to, but I do. It's bad because you're on this great path of self-discovery and happiness, then all of a sudden you're hit with intense sadness. I miss Scott everyday, however there are days where I do feel happy on the path I'm on. Good will come of Scott's passing. Good comes from tragedy. Do I wish it were different, hell yeah, but it's not. This is my reality.

I did not feel happy last night. I felt all the guilt of the days leading up to yesterday where I was happy. I know I fucking deserve happiness. Everyone in my life should feel the same way.  Everyone said "Scott would want you to be happy." I never really understood that. I didn't know what he would want. We never talked about life after one of us died. How do you know? How am I supposed to know? I do know now. And quite frankly, it doesn't matter. It's my life now. He's not here with me. He cannot make decisions with me or be a part of that anymore. It's just me.

I have a fear of people judging me as I do move on this path of GRAYSON'S LIFE. Moving on meaning dating (yes, I am ready!), going out, smiling, really laughing from my heart again. Feeling good. Feeling like things happen for a reason. Here's what I have to say, NO ONE knows what I have been through. NO ONE. Not even my family. No one was here every single fucking day living my life while Scott was alive and sick. NO ONE knows what my relationship with Scott was like when he wasn't sick. NO ONE. No one knows what I am learning every single day about myself and what I need to be healthy again. No one is inside my head to feel what I feel. The only person who does is me. What I ask of people is that they trust me. Trust me to know that I will make my own decisions. If I fail, I will learn. If I succeed, I will continue to improve. I will not be fucking perfect. Neither is anyone else. There isn't a step by step guide telling me what to do. Not all grievers are the same. You follow your heart and trust that your heart will lead you down the path you need to be on. That's what I am doing and want people to respect that. This is where I will also help other grievers someday. When compassion and living outweighs the grief, you are on the path to move on. It's not a science. It's all based on emotion. No one will have the same time table after a tragic loss. NO ONE.

Here's what I fear the most. "It's only been 4 months since he passed, how can she move on?" Here's my answer. "Fuck you." It feels like it's been years to me. I was not functioning for 2 months after he passed. Literally not functioning. I was grieving before he even died. I will not go into detail, but this is NOT something I want to hear from anyone (read above another time if needed. lol.). I understand people being protective, without a doubt. I am protective. I will be protective of my heart. Know that I am taking care of that.

There is a second fear, but I will not disclose that yet. It's private. It's personal. The time will come when I am ready.

I apologize if anyone was offended reading this. However, it's my blog. It's my thoughts. It's my path. Yes that is a bit harsh, but welcome to my world of grieving.

pink hair

Here I am. Sitting at Argo Tea. Alone. And I have to say that it feels good. It’s good to be alone. It’s good to know that I can do this. Being alone can have such negative meaning, which in reality, it’s actually pretty powerful stuff. When you’re alone, your stuck getting to know yourself. There’s no one but you.

Being alone is part of my life now. By choice, not forced. I need this. Everyone needs this in my opinion. At first I was never comfortable being alone, but as I get used to it and grow more and more confident everyday, the more I’m starting to like it. I like it because I like me. I like the person that I am changing into.

Scott’s death has really made me examine myself. Not only am I self-aware, I am self-indulging. I am doing things that I’ve always wanted to do, but for some reason, have never done. I never allowed myself to truly be me for reasons I don’t know. I was so consumed by making Scott happy, I forgot how to make me happy sometimes.

It’s okay though. Cause I’m learning. I’m not stuck. I’m growing. I know where I’m headed and I love where that is.

I was in the bathroom at work the other day and laughed when I looked in the mirror. My hair is fucking bright pink. Who does that? I do. I am proud that I am who I am.  

I have always been vocal, confident and strong. But, now it’s a more powerful feeling. Now I am BRAVE. Knowing that I am allowing myself to be emotionally invested in me and that it’s okay.

Scott knew me, but I don’t think he ever realized how much of myself I lost somewhere in our relationship. I mean…I didn’t realize it.  As hard as it is to not be able to talk to him about it, I have to have faith that we were together for a reason. I want to believe that I gave him the best years of his life. I gave him all that I could give anyone and he knew that. For that, I am grateful. That makes me smile. 

As each day passes. I am getting more comfortable with me. I  know what I want. And I’m taking complete control of my life. Probably for the first time in 30 years.

Damn it feels good to have pink hair. 

sleep deprived

I haven't written since tuesday morning! I will post tomorrow night when I have a little more sleep in me and can function a bit more. It's been a tough week for sleep. A lot of reasons are bringing that on and I hope to sleep tonight and tomorrow and saturday. lol. I need it really badly.

a really hard post....

Here I am, it's 1:15am and I cannot sleep. I have a lot on my mind, as usual.

I am in a better place emotionally, although as I'm typing this I am sobbing uncontrollably. I am ready to move on with my life. Grayson's life. This does not mean I am moving on "from Scott." This means that I am ready to embrace whatever life throws at me. I have learned so fucking much about myself over the last couple of months. I am very proud of what I've learned and how I will incorporate that into my daily life...forever.

Scott was in my life for a reason. He was in my life for a short amount of time compared to the average life span of a person but what's important is that now I know why he was in my life. He showed me love, he showed me my self-worth, he made me non-selfish, he helped turn me from a drunk to someone who cared deeply about others and he simply loved me for me. That is important. I have this to cherish.

Did we have the healthiest relationship? No. I don't know if anyone does, but I know I will take what I've learned and apply it to all my relationships. That is the piece of him that will live with me forever. I am forever changed.  While I hate that Scott's not here to talk to him about everything, I've said it before that he's where he wanted to be and now maybe I am starting to get where I should be going. It's so hard to say, but it's the truth. I promised myself as hard as some things are to say out loud, I would always be honest with myself and people reading this blog.

It's okay for me to feel this way. I do not feel guilty for wanting to move forward with my life. I used to, but not anymore. I am accepting what life has given me and making something of it. I am not the type of person who will sit in a room by myself and have Scott consume my every thought. I would never get better. I would never heal. I did not die the day he died. I am alive. I am living and I want to be here. I want to be happy. I think I deserve that. I think that Scott would want that. I hope everyone in my life wants that for me and if they don't, they can get out of my life. It's as simple as that.

This process truly allows you to see who your friends are and who they aren't. I love my friends. I don't need to name names, but I hope you're reading this and smiling. As hard as it was for me to post, it might be hard for you to read, however know that what I'm feeling is real. I am not healed, I will still have low days, but the good is outweighing the bad, which hasn't happened for a very long time.

I will not spend each day worrying about what I should or shouldn't be doing because I often times put too much pressure on myself. I will simply live my life and take it one day at a time. That's where I am now and it feels good to know how far I've come. I can visibly see the light in the tunnel and it gets closer and closer every day. Closer to what, I don't know...do you come out of the tunnel, I don't know, but I guess we shall see.

cars

I was up at the bowling alley tonight and was telling the story of seeing 3 WRXs on my way to my moms on Friday.

It's weird. I saw a blue WRX on the other side of the freeway (going the opposite way), and didn't think much about it. Then I saw a blue STI and was like, "weird, I never see these cars." I told myself that if I see another one, it's a sign. And what do you know, I see a black WRX. This is all within 10 minutes on the freeway.

I am not sure what it's a sign of, but I think it's a sign. Maybe I'll figure it out, maybe I won't.

The significance is that this was the car that Scott drove, a blue WRX STI. And he loved it. It was definitely his second child.

sleep!!!!

Okay, so it's amazing what sleep can do for me. I slept like a rock last night. Finally! I was purely exhausted from my unusually "social" week. I had a lot going on at night, which was great, but my sleep suffered. I will have to find the right balance of being social during the week, while still getting the sleep I need. Learning as we go, people!

I feel good today. Actually, I feel great. When I woke up, I didn't have my usual stomach pains or a foggy mind. I had a clear mind and was excited for my day of appointments (hair, nails).

I miss Scott. There isn't a day that passes where I don't think of him, but I also am starting to feel good in my own skin. It's all about me at the moment. And I think that's okay. It's weird to be "selfish," but I definitely think it's required to continue upward in this journey. I know that I will still have hard days ahead of me, but I honestly feel that the worst is behind me and that each day I will continue to get stronger and more functional.

I did find out that one of my friends, who I met through Scott, suffered a heart attack last night. I'm glad to report he is in stable condition, but still it's hard. Scott's circle of friends don't need to be put through all this time and time again. They are good people and it's so hard to understand why this stuff happens. We all need a break.

I'll be heading up to Taylor Lanes tonight to hang out with everyone, so I look forward to seeing my friends and hugging those who I haven't seen in a long time. It feels good to be surrounded by love.

pink hair and good friends

I am so looking forward to tomorrow. I am getting my hair cut, highlighted and some pink added in. I cannot wait to see what it looks like! I have the best hairdresser in MI!! And my hair got so long so fast cause it was so short, cannot wait to get some of this chopped off!!

It's fun to be excited about something and tomorrow I have two things. Hair and hanging out with dear friends up at Taylor Lanes. I feel so loved when I am around these people. It's an amazing feeling. I love it!!

(I basically wanted to update to use my mom's new macbook air).

Yay for friends and changing my look...yet again. It's what I like to do. Constant isn't so constant anymore...used to be one of my favorite lyrics by The Get Up Kids. I need to find that CD!

I see the light

I didn't think I would ever get out of this tunnel, I am happy to say that I do see glimmers of light about my future. I understand that everyday will have it's challenges, I also fully understand that I will be okay.
My grieving process started in November, because by this time, I thought I had really lost my Scott. I remember having him, as himself, in July. I feel like it all went downhill from there. It's painful how it all happened so fast, but as I think through 2010, I think there were signs as early as January that his health was declining. I can't go back and change anything. I cannot beat myself up about what I've pieced together between his death and now. I can only know and hope and he is okay now.

The focus has to come back to myself and I need to make sure that I am okay. It's very hard for me to do so. I get so caught up in helping others (just in general) that I can easily lose track of me. I will work on this and continue to do so, as long as it takes. My natural instinct to help and be a caretaker is a quality that I admire in myself, however finding the right balance is where I struggle.

I'm so happy that I have a therapist who will help me and who supports me. It makes this process a little bit more manageable to know that I'm doing well and I'm human and I'm ALIVE.

walking a tight rope

Lately I've been feeling a balancing act of emotions. Similar to walking on a tight rope, spinning glass plates. There is something always on my mind that I have to balance with everything else. For example, Scott's memory and knowing that he's gone, with knowing I need to function at work. It's really hard. Balancing grief and life is very, very challenging. How do you get good at it?

I tell myself that I need to focus on what I can focus on and that's it. I cannot predict the future. I can only live in the "now." This is what I must focus on. Each day at at a time. I think I'm finally at the point where I am living "day by day." Before it felt more like hour by hour, but today I know I'm healing. Healing the way I should be healing, and also living my life.

I still cannot answer the question "what would Scott want you to do."

getting out

Since I woke up at 6am, for no good reason, I am sitting here, ready to go to work and it's not even 8am. Call me crazy? You would think that I NEED sleep, but my body wakes up and I cannot fall back to sleep. It's annoying.

Last night I went to see 'The Mountain Goats' with a friend and her co-worker. I had never heard of this band, but it didn't really matter. What mattered was that I was going. It was a Tuesday night and why not? This is part of who I need to become for myself. I need to develop these relationships and go out and enjoy what the city has to offer! Before the band started, I was laughing so hard, that my abs hurt. That is when you know you are healing. You can laugh, a real laugh. You can enjoy friends without feeling like the "downer." I had a great time and am proud of myself for going. I needed that yesterday.

I do feel as though I'm on a good path to recovery and I'm sure I can contribute it to many things. I like smiling a real smile and laughing a real laugh. It helps me heal, as well as the sunshine. I'm starting to realize that my life is moving in the right direction. Three months ago, I had no idea what to expect. I couldn't see the light in the tunnel, now I am catching glimpses, and I am liking what I'm seeing.

I've always said that "good comes from tragedy." I've learned a lot about myself, I've learned a lot about my friends. I've learned that Scott was loved by so many amazing people and I'm so glad that they have ALL made me a big part of their life. It's amazing and warms my heart. There are a lot of special people in my world right now and I look forward to a lot of new memories, knowing that in some instances, Scott is the reason they are in my life. It shows that he had an amazing gift of only keeping people in his life that were genuine. I love that.

I thank Scott everyday for the power his friends are playing in my recovery. I miss him. I still haven't quite gotten a grasp on "why me," but I know that I will someday understand the reason why Scott was in my life. My instinct is that he showed me how to love, how to be in a relationships where it was rooted in love and everything else was just a bonus.

I am starting to truly understand that he is gone. The denial that I felt before it's starting to go away. It's almost like a shift is happening in my mind. While I still do not feel I function normally, as each day goes by, I hope to get better. I've had some good and bad moments this week and hopefully I will continue upward in my journey.

signs

So this morning I woke up really early. Maybe it was because the sun was shining so bright in my room that I had to get up, or maybe it's because Jasper was using me as a playground. Whatever it was, I was up, and happy to know that the sun was out. The sun helps heal. It truly does, for me.

When I stepped foot outside my buildings front door, I see "Champagne of Beers" plastered on the side of a delivery truck. Is this a sign? I figure if I slow down and look around me, I will see signs from Scott. He introduced me to this beer at Taylor Lanes, where we spent many Friday nights. I smiled. Maybe he is subtly showing me that he's okay, or maybe I'm starting to understand that I will be okay.

Regardless of what it is, I will take all the signs I can get.

no news is not good news

I called the ME today, but left a voicemail letting him know to call me only when he has resolution on Scott's death. I am ready to know. It will help me in this process if I know and it's not delayed any longer. I once thought that I didn't want to know, but now I know that it's time.

I thought a lot today about how far I've come. And what many don't know is that I have been grieving even before Scott died. I can honestly say that I didn't have my Scott since July/August. It's been that long. Almost a year. I am so thankful of the last night we spent together. My therapist said that your body can naturally "wake up" from being comatose before you die. Weird. I need to research that. So maybe that's what happened on that Saturday night. He seemed like him again. My hopes were up, but we all know what happened.

As I was walking home from therapy, it hit me that I know that I've come a long way from where I was and I will continue to keep moving forward. I am honest with myself and very self-aware of the fact that I need to take care of myself first and foremost and focus on developing really great friendships, which I have started. It's so hard for me to pick up the phone and say "I need you to come over because I am so alone." But this step, will help me. It will allow me to know that I have friends who are there for me. It might be uncomfortable, but it's a step I must learn and learn to do well.

His memories are starting to make me smile, as opposed to making me angry or sad. I like hearing others tell me about their memories of Scott. That's how he keeps living, through talking about him and keeping our memories of him alive.

My therapist made a good point today. She said "when you're married and have kids, you will still miss him." That hit home. I will always miss him, regardless of where life takes me and that's okay. My life will move on, it already has. I'm alive. I'm in my own place.

horoscope. whoa.

Normally I'm not really into my horoscope, I read it here and there, but lately it's been so right on. Here it is for today (take note the last sentence, i.e. rock climbing):

Setting ambitious goals isn't enough; you must be prepared to make your move today in order to put your good intentions into motion. It would be a shame to waste this powerful moment of initiation without taking direct action since the enterprising Aries New Moon falls in your 10th House of Career. Don't worry about what you accomplish or how far along the path you actually travel. Remember, the first step is the most important one