denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Monday, January 9, 2012

the final post.

A year ago today Scott died. A lot has happened in that year. I was in shock and denial that the person I shared nearly 7 years with was no longer around. He was gone, in one night. How was this possible? In an instant. I fought so fucking hard for him to be alive, doing everything I could to make him happy and well...yet it wasn't enough. I could not save him. I blamed myself. Today, I know it was not my fault. I can never save someone, I can only save myself. What I gave to him, I now give myself.

I came through the worst year of my life a better person. Not a lot of people can say that, but I honestly feel blessed. I know that the world works in mysterious ways and I will be fulfilled in a way that I never knew existed. Because I love me more than ever before. There is a reason why this happened. I had to go through what I did, to be the person I am today. And the person I will be for the rest of my life.

When I think back to this day a year ago, it's hard to put myself in the same shoes cause I feel so different. I cannot relate to the same emotions anymore. I remember everything vividly, yet I have a different connection. It's my past. It will shape my future, but I will not be defined any longer as the "griever." I am saddened, but I am not in mourning.

I am saying goodbye to Scott. I am closing the chapter of us. I am moving on...because I am ready.

I am me. I am happy and everyone has said "he would want you to be happy." Well everyone, I'm happy. Scott, I am happy.

The end.

The beginning (new blog coming soon solely dedicated to a new chapter and life)...

Monday, January 2, 2012

goodbye 2011, hello 2012.

It is now day two of 2012 and while I do have a bit of a cold, I couldn't be happier. My life has been forever changed and can honestly say that I now know that my life moving forward will make for the happiest years of my life...because I am in control.

I am back. I learn more and more each day and what I have experienced over the last year has enabled me to become the person I am today. There is a reason why 2011 was the worst year of my life. I truly believe I had to go through what I did, to be ready for whatever is in store for me. There is a reason for everything.

A year ago today, I had no idea that Scott was going to die. I had thought it, but never expected it. I really had no idea Tyler would die. He was on the right path, or so we thought. I am letting go. I am closing the door to 2011. I will never forget what I have experienced, but I am moving on. The anniversary of Scott's death is 1/9 (Monday). It's almost been a year. I'm headed to a spa in Virginia to get away for some relaxation, pampering and self-care. It will be sad, but it will no longer break me.

I am happy. I am smiling. My smiles are real and from the heart.

My heart is alive and well.

2012, I am so ready for you. I certainly hope you are ready for me.