denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

need change...

I have this really strong urge for change. I'm not sure what that means yet, but I want major change. I'm taking baby steps at the moment, which seems to help, but it's not really alleviating the feeling/urge that I have.

At work, I cleaned up my office and got a laptop instead of a desktop. I'm really liking that change. Smalls things do count.

Tonight, in my blur of sadness, I rearranged/organized a bit at my apartment. Scott and I collected anime girl dolls/action figure things and I took them down. It hurt to see them. I want this place to look like me and I think he strongly encouraged those purchases. I like the girls, but that's not what I want. I want change! I want me. I want new. I want Grayson. Sometimes when I look around at my apartment, it's hard to look at everything. Everything reminds me of him, which is okay, however it's causing a lot of pain this week. I cannot balance it very well right now. A huge part of it is the apartment building. Maybe I should've thought that through better, but when he first died, I wanted to hang on for as long as I could. As time progresses, it's really hard to be reminded sometimes because it hurts. I've never had a bad breakup in a relationship where I got dumped and that's what this feels like, probably times a million. It's open-ended. There's not closure unless I create the closure. I think of closure as mutual, not one-sided. I need to find a way for total closure, however I'm not sure that is ever possible to be honest. I will always think of him. Closure is moving on, which I'm doing, but it still feels like it's all left open because I'm not saying "Scott, I've moved on" to HIM. Yes I've said it in writing or to myself, but not to his physical self. I struggle with that. How do you make that better?

That was a long paragraph (sorry K!!!).

This was a ramble of sorts. I'll hopefully come to a happy medium on whatever "change" I am looking for. It might just be a new piece of furniture. It might be a new piece of art.

One change that I am happy about is how much I am running. It's a huge release for me. I get a lot sorted through in my brain. I wish I could run all day, everyday sometimes. However my legs would fall off. It's liberating and I think it's been a good, healthy outlet for me. Instead of smoking, I run. I want to continue to get better at it. I like seeing improvements in my speed and ability to go further. It makes me smile. I'm ready to run right now actually.

1 comment:

  1. In YOUR time and in YOUR way. Thats how things will get better. Oh, and "Run Woman Run!" Especially if you feel it's helping. Then again, you know where I stand on running. :-)