denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Monday, January 9, 2012

the final post.

A year ago today Scott died. A lot has happened in that year. I was in shock and denial that the person I shared nearly 7 years with was no longer around. He was gone, in one night. How was this possible? In an instant. I fought so fucking hard for him to be alive, doing everything I could to make him happy and well...yet it wasn't enough. I could not save him. I blamed myself. Today, I know it was not my fault. I can never save someone, I can only save myself. What I gave to him, I now give myself.

I came through the worst year of my life a better person. Not a lot of people can say that, but I honestly feel blessed. I know that the world works in mysterious ways and I will be fulfilled in a way that I never knew existed. Because I love me more than ever before. There is a reason why this happened. I had to go through what I did, to be the person I am today. And the person I will be for the rest of my life.

When I think back to this day a year ago, it's hard to put myself in the same shoes cause I feel so different. I cannot relate to the same emotions anymore. I remember everything vividly, yet I have a different connection. It's my past. It will shape my future, but I will not be defined any longer as the "griever." I am saddened, but I am not in mourning.

I am saying goodbye to Scott. I am closing the chapter of us. I am moving on...because I am ready.

I am me. I am happy and everyone has said "he would want you to be happy." Well everyone, I'm happy. Scott, I am happy.

The end.

The beginning (new blog coming soon solely dedicated to a new chapter and life)...

Monday, January 2, 2012

goodbye 2011, hello 2012.

It is now day two of 2012 and while I do have a bit of a cold, I couldn't be happier. My life has been forever changed and can honestly say that I now know that my life moving forward will make for the happiest years of my life...because I am in control.

I am back. I learn more and more each day and what I have experienced over the last year has enabled me to become the person I am today. There is a reason why 2011 was the worst year of my life. I truly believe I had to go through what I did, to be ready for whatever is in store for me. There is a reason for everything.

A year ago today, I had no idea that Scott was going to die. I had thought it, but never expected it. I really had no idea Tyler would die. He was on the right path, or so we thought. I am letting go. I am closing the door to 2011. I will never forget what I have experienced, but I am moving on. The anniversary of Scott's death is 1/9 (Monday). It's almost been a year. I'm headed to a spa in Virginia to get away for some relaxation, pampering and self-care. It will be sad, but it will no longer break me.

I am happy. I am smiling. My smiles are real and from the heart.

My heart is alive and well.

2012, I am so ready for you. I certainly hope you are ready for me.

Friday, December 16, 2011

I'm happy (the best post of 2011)

By the power invested in me, I am fucking happy. Really happy.

It all started when I presented at IOP. It seriously changed my entire perspective from that moment. The world was clear again. I could see what was in store for me. I could see an amazing future filled with endless possibilities. I am me. And I LOVE it.

I was sitting in the grief. I couldn't get out of it. I stopped believing in myself. That has all changed. While I am sad about what happened in what we'll call the worst year ever, I think the grief aspect is lifting.

I'm moving beyond it. I am coming to terms with life. I am excited. Where will I go? How will I get there? What should I do first? It doesn't even matter because I have me back.

What a year this has been. What a difference a year can make in your mental health and stability. I am forever changed, but in a good way.

I look forward to an amazing 2012. I know I deserve it. I feel empowered by it.

I will always remember that after the rain, comes a rainbow.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

the reason

Today in IOP I "presented" a problem. It's the third part of the day and usually someone presents a problem and the group helps "solve the problem" through a series of events. Well today was my day. My therapist has been wanting me to present and so I finally did. I felt good today. I felt energized. I had a good night with two good friends. I could feel their love and support, which gave me strength that I could do this today.

I had an epic breakdown reliving Scott's death. I have flashbacks pretty bad lately and today it was so real, as I was explaining it. I could barely breathe, but everyone hung to my every word. I could tell there was pain in the eyes of everyone looking at me. Sometimes I feel like a loser for being so sad, but when I see the reaction I saw today, I know that it's okay to be where I am. To sit in the pain. And to not fight the pain.

Someone told me I was a remarkable person. Before even getting on with how the process works, he just had to tell me this. Someone who is so depressed himself, but could put everything aside and tell me I was remarkable. I loved it. It felt amazing. I had stopped believing. Another person told me they were so impressed I was still vertical. This was the worst year of my life and to expect it to get worse as I near Christmas and the anniversary of his death. That is what I presented. I was looking for new techniques and tools to get through this time. I got a LOT of solid advice and great alternatives to what I'm currently using for coping skills. I've done so much work this year on myself and am blessed, truly blessed to have had today.

I feel like they gave me strength that I couldn't give myself. Strength from people who I barely know, but love deeply because we share such a bond. I hope to continue these relationships because what we shared today will forever be in my heart. It was magical.

I don't want to disclose too much information because it's private as to who all I interact with and why people are there. So sorry this is a bit vague. It's hard to even explain the way I feel. I'm sad right now but happy at the same time. I'm okay being miserable right now. Because I know it's what I need. I know I'll be okay.

I love you Scott. I love you Tyler. I think you guys have given me strength in ways I cannot even describe. I will always miss you, but keep your memories close to my heart.

It was ironic that "The Reason" by Hoobastank came on today when I was headed home. It was one of my favorite songs that Scott would sing. He sang it so well, it was seriously beautiful...and when you listen to the lyrics, it's quite incredible what the message is saying..."I'm sorry that I hurt you, it's something I must live with everyday. And all the pain I put you through, I wish that I could take it all away...and be the one who catches all your tears, that's why I need you to hear..."

It's almost like he was talking to me. Saying he was sorry for dying. Sorry that I was in pain. He is the reason I am in pain, but he's also the reason that I will be stronger.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

a week in review

So last week was an intense week. The IOP process is quite amazing in that the level of support you receive from strangers is incredible. Everyone cares deeply. There is an underlying commonality among all of us and that is the will to get better. To get out of this depressed state and work toward living a happy, healthy life. Some are really struggling themselves, but they always offer support to me. It's quite remarkable. I feel love when I am there. I can tell these people care and I think it's nice being able to relate to others who feel just as shitty as you do. We're linked because of that.

It also takes a toll on me emotionally because my heart is so big. I want to help everyone and fix everyone. I know, as part of my recovery, that I cannot do this. I did it with Scott and I have to learn to take care of myself, not others, otherwise I neglect my own feelings and needs. It's hard and I'm working on it. I just see so much potential in everyone, when they don't see it in themselves.

It's amazing how good compliments feel coming from strangers. I was talking to the group about loving candy and one of the group members brought me candy the next day. It's little things that really matter to me. That has always been the case. It's sweet. They care.

It gives me a deeper understanding of depression for sure. Scott was depressed so I see him in all these people. I wish he would've/could've done this program. I think it would've helped him with coping skills. I see how much it helps others who suffer from severe depression, like him. It brings pain to me everyday to hear similar stories that he shared with me.

Overall, I'm glad I'm in the program. I also stopped taking the antidepressant last night. It was putting me in this daze. I felt robotic. I didn't feel in control. I would rather be sad with grief than to numb myself to my feelings. I felt light headed and anxious all the time. I'm hoping these feelings start to go away soon. I knew I wouldn't like it. I'm sure it was all mind over matter cause I never wanted to take it in the first place. I like being me. Being in control of my emotions. I think that's a step in the right direction. I know some people truly need these medications and I fully support it for others, but it's not right for me at this time.

I'm headed into the weekend with feelings of loneliness, but I'm glad that I am at least motivated to do things. That was another issue with the antidepressant. I was not motivated and only wanted to sleep. Today I'm going to get out and go xmas shopping, maybe some shopping for me...who knows. Then dinner with Brian. We are working on our friendship because at the end of the day, we are friends and I think we can deepen our friendship during this extremely hard time.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

thanksgiving day

So it's Thanksgiving. It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving. It feels like just another weekend. It seems like we just had Thanksgiving, it's too soon to be here again. But it is.

I think my mind is trying to trick me. Tomorrow is the hard day. The day I made the decision that he needed to get to a hospital right away. He was too sick. Tomorrow is also my mom's birthday. So a day of cheer and a day of dread.

I'm so thankful that she understands how hard life is for me right now. It's hard for them too. Scott is normally a part of this day and her birthday. He's missing in their lives too, not just mine. We all miss him, that's for sure. I was wondering today if Jasper ever wonders where he is...

I will say that I tried two bites of mashed potatoes today. I made myself do it, although I didn't want to. My sister said she made a similar batch to my grandma's so I had to taste and judge for myself. They were close...but NOT QUITE there. haha. Sorry K. Love you :) Next year, we are going to have a mashed potato "smash off." My grandmother makes the best ones ever and we always try to replicate them...

I also started taking an antidepressant today. I was very against this idea, but I know I need it for a short period of time. Today wasn't a great day to start a new drug because the side effects caused me stomach issues and a loss of appetite...but my emotions have also been causing this, so hard to tell what caused what. Oh well. I'll give it time to see if it helps me function a bit better. I know I need something. Not forever, but for a while.

My psychiatrist said that maybe I was too strong during the months leading up until now and here's my time to break. It's common. It's natural. It's grief. I sort of had a delayed reaction emotionally. I hope he's right. I just want to get through it in one piece. Thank you so much to all of you for support and love. I need it. I just need to get better at accepting it and asking for it. One step and day at a time.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

the smallest of things...

Just packing for my trip to MI for Thanksgiving has exhausted me and made me so sad. I would normally be packing for all of, Scott and Jasper. Meaning, I would nag him and confirm he will be packing and what the plan are for the weekend so he knows what to pack. I miss that. I miss telling him things. I miss sharing my life with him.

Sometimes I amaze myself with how much I cry. I didn't know you could shed this many tears.