denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Monday, May 23, 2011

RIP my dear brother. I love you.

My brother Tyler, 23 years old, passed away on Saturday night. I heard he was missing through a post on FB and almost knew instantly that he was dead. I had a gut feeling. A true instinct telling me this. I reached out to him via phone and text, but got no response. I woke up on Sunday and was thinking he was found, based on a note I got back from his aunt, but when his aunt got to his apartment he was dead. He had died on Saturday night. Cause of death is unknown right now. It's all so fucking sad. I said that I hope to hell that we don't end up gathering at his funeral someday. He was on a better path, with working for his aunt's company and starting his design company, then BAM! the drugs took over. It takes ONE time. That is all. I told him how much I loved him and he told me how fucked up some of his actions were and that he was on a natural high from working out in SF. I told him how much I loved him, but I didn't trust him. I said you have to prove to me you're serious this time and here we are...the drugs won. Or so it seems.

I am so fucking sad again. It's not as deep of a sadness as I've experienced before, but i don't understand life. Why is this all happening? Why has this year been really fucking shitty? Why have I gone from losing one loved one when I was like 8 to losing two people in a matter of 4 months? I don't get it. What I do get is life is too fucking short. It changes in one instant.

I've learned so fucking much about grieving since January, that I know what to expect. I know how to feel, I know what this is. I hate fucking knowing. I'm 30 years old and know all about autopsy, coroner, death certificates, transferring of bodies, funeral homes and fucking all this bullshit process. It's fucking UNREAL. I am mad. I am angry. I don't get why I feel as though I'm being tested. I have a foundation. The feeling I have isn't the same as when Scott passed. The loss is different, however there is an underlying feeling that is the same. It's sad, it's tragic and sudden and you have so many unanswered questions.

What I am taking from this is reaffirming my role in life. I want to live. I want to fill my life with love and happiness, because it's so short. There is no time to waste in my opinion. I want to help others more so than ever and I will. Tyler's death is burning the light brighter from within. I wish I could've saved him, but he wasn't ready. I'm sure a lot of family and friends wish they could've done more, but the fact is, that he's gone. I cannot go back and think of ways I could've done more. I want to, but know that is not productive.

He was a troubled soul. There are so many people out there who are troubled and you would never know. That is who I will help. I want to help.

It doesn't take away from the fact that he died much too young. He was a talented, loving, caring and gentle brother. This isn't supposed to be happening. I wanted him to find his way.

RIP Tyler. I love you. I am blessed to have had you in my life and so thankful we had that final facetime conversation. I will cherish that moment forever.

1 comment:

  1. I am so very sorry. I can't even imagine how you must feel right now. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family.