denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Thursday, November 24, 2011

thanksgiving day

So it's Thanksgiving. It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving. It feels like just another weekend. It seems like we just had Thanksgiving, it's too soon to be here again. But it is.

I think my mind is trying to trick me. Tomorrow is the hard day. The day I made the decision that he needed to get to a hospital right away. He was too sick. Tomorrow is also my mom's birthday. So a day of cheer and a day of dread.

I'm so thankful that she understands how hard life is for me right now. It's hard for them too. Scott is normally a part of this day and her birthday. He's missing in their lives too, not just mine. We all miss him, that's for sure. I was wondering today if Jasper ever wonders where he is...

I will say that I tried two bites of mashed potatoes today. I made myself do it, although I didn't want to. My sister said she made a similar batch to my grandma's so I had to taste and judge for myself. They were close...but NOT QUITE there. haha. Sorry K. Love you :) Next year, we are going to have a mashed potato "smash off." My grandmother makes the best ones ever and we always try to replicate them...

I also started taking an antidepressant today. I was very against this idea, but I know I need it for a short period of time. Today wasn't a great day to start a new drug because the side effects caused me stomach issues and a loss of appetite...but my emotions have also been causing this, so hard to tell what caused what. Oh well. I'll give it time to see if it helps me function a bit better. I know I need something. Not forever, but for a while.

My psychiatrist said that maybe I was too strong during the months leading up until now and here's my time to break. It's common. It's natural. It's grief. I sort of had a delayed reaction emotionally. I hope he's right. I just want to get through it in one piece. Thank you so much to all of you for support and love. I need it. I just need to get better at accepting it and asking for it. One step and day at a time.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

the smallest of things...

Just packing for my trip to MI for Thanksgiving has exhausted me and made me so sad. I would normally be packing for all of, Scott and Jasper. Meaning, I would nag him and confirm he will be packing and what the plan are for the weekend so he knows what to pack. I miss that. I miss telling him things. I miss sharing my life with him.

Sometimes I amaze myself with how much I cry. I didn't know you could shed this many tears.


Everyday I wake up, I'm shaken and scared again. Is this really happening? One year ago, I had no idea how much my life would change in one night.

Thanksgiving will stir a lot of emotion for me and my family. I rented a car last year because Scott was too sick to drive his car (stick shift requiring a lot of work in rush hour traffic). I remember walking behind him at all times to ensure he didn't fall over or get too light-headed. I forget where we stopped to eat on the way to MI. I hate that I forget details. I want to cherish them all so badly. On Thanksgiving, my mom, sister and I cooked. We ate later than usual. I remember Scott eating a little turkey with gravy and a lot of mashed potatoes. It was 8 or 8:30 and I needed to drive Chaz home. Scott wanted to come but he was starting to feel sick. On the way to take Chaz home and on the way back all I could think was "please don't get sick, please don't get sick." I immediately rushed to the bedroom to where he was laying down and of course, he had gotten sick. This was my life. I was devastated. I knew that whatever was happening to him over the past couple of months hadn't gotten better. I needed to take serious action.

I was on the phone with UofM's ER, both medical and psychiatric divisions, trying to understand what course of action I needed to take. I had had it. I wanted him well and isn't UofM one of the best hospitals? With the help of my family, they encouraged me that this was the right thing. I told Scott that I was taking him the next morning to UofM and he wasn't happy. He blamed the mashed potatoes for making him sick. We fought. I hate that we fought but said we'll see how he feels in the morning. He was so sick, all night and on the way to the hospital, clearly he wasn't getting better. It wasn't the damn mashed potatoes. He insisted everytime he ate them, he got sick. I still haven't eaten mashed potatoes, nor do I think I ever will.

I always think I should've fucking fought harder for him at the hospital. We should've known his heart was bad. Why did they miss that? Because he was only 36. Fuck 36, you can still have heart disease. A good doctor would know better, considering we were on the cardiac floor (constantly hooked up to a heart rate monitor) and he complained of some chest pain, had tachycardia (fast heart rate) and was diabetic. Like do a fucking stress test. Damn. What a mess. I get so mad thinking about it now.

It's hard to think about "what I'm thankful for" when I'm so sad. I'm thankful for those who have supported me throughout all of this. I won't name names, you know who you are. But I can't help being really mad at the same time. Mad that this is my life. Mad that I have to wake up and keep moving, just to survive. Mad that I have to live with a huge hole in my heart and cannot function the way I once did. That's grief. You cannot accomplish what you were once able to when it hurts this bad. Will the day come where I can, yes, but I'm not there.

I'm not ready for a lot of things thanks to this thing called turmoil.

Friday, November 11, 2011

holidays approaching.

As we head into the holidays, I'm reminded of where I was last year at this time. November 5th was the beginning of what is going to be a very, very sad period for me. I am not ready for this. I want more than anything to not have to feel the pain of missing him so much.

I heard an ambulance siren yesterday and immediately was taken back to the two ambulance rides we took for his hospital stays in Chicago. I hear sirens every day and night, but yesterday it triggered a lot more. It was this time last year where I was either at work (trying to work), at home (taking care of him) or running to the hospital as often as I could to make sure he wasn't alone. It was so exhausting but I would do it all over again if I could. I feel like we left so much unanswered and up in the air. I now hate that I ever left his side when he was in the hospital. Why didn't I spend the night every night? Did that upset him? You think so many things when you cannot have answers. It's brutal, but I don't know how to stop it. They are irrational thoughts that eat at my core, making it hard to function anymore.

I have entered into this stage of self-realization. I live alone. I will never bring him coffee with an ice cube. I will never get the paper for him or sit on the couch next to him while he reads the paper. I will never walk into the bedroom and wake him up, or check on him. He will never cook me dinner, as I had to make dinner myself this week and I hated it. I could barely eat because I had to cook, eat and clean. I always cleaned. It's hard to not have a routine anymore when you had the same routine for so long. Scott and I had a rhythm that is no more. Why am I feeling it now? Because all of the things I've tried to fill the void won't work. I'm realizing that I've tried a lot to help fix the hole in my heart and nothing will fix it. I don't know how long it'll be there, but I know he has a piece of me that will be gone forever.

I'm torn. I am lost. I don't know what I need at all. Time away from the day to day? A vacation? To move? It's all so confusing because my brain doesn't work normally. I'm consumed with sadness. I thought it would lift some this week, but it hasn't. I think it's here to stay for a hard as that is for me to admit.

Monday, November 7, 2011

wedding blues

The feelings that I have for Scott have intensified into a world I didn't know existed. When something you wanted with all your heart doesn't happen, you are left with more than a broken heart. You are left with a missing piece of you. A piece you so desperately want because you created it in your head for so long. I will never get that. He will never see me in that amazing wedding dress. He will never slip a ring onto my finger that connects us to one another forever. Our forever is over. It hurts me beyond words. I really do need him. I never knew how much I needed him until I lost him. I want so desperately to see him. I want so desperately for all of this to disappear. I want to run away from the pain. I swear it has never hurt so much.

Our wedding was a day to look forward to, not an anniversary of a sad day. It was a happy day. A happy day turned really sad. When he was sick, I was so faithful that 2011 would be our year. We were getting married! He was excited, he just wanted to get better. I was nervous he wouldn't be better in time for our wedding, and as much as I thought this might kill him, I never actually understood that to be true. It did. All I can think about is him wanting a really nice tuxedo to wear. He wasn't going to rent one, that wasn't Scott. He would wear the nicest, most expensive suit that fit his body well, with a slim-cut. It wasn't even a question what shoes he would wear, some sort of Nike shoes. However, we did speak of having some patent leather in the design. His groomsmen were going to wear Nike's as well and this was going to be their gift from Scott. We spoke about what I would walk down the aisle to, and a Beatles song was probably ideal. "Here comes the sun" was a top runner although Scott mentioned a lot of others. We still had a lot to do. He was going to design everything. Our logo. Our invitations. He wanted to get one of those wax sealers and seal every envelope. That was so important to him as he definitely said it more than once. It would have been a magical day. 

I cannot think beyond me and Scott's wedding right now. I'm so focused in the pain and the hurt that it didn't happen. I cannot look back on it and have a good memory right now. They are all sad. I cannot look ahead and know my "future will be bright." That's too much positive-thinking when I feel this way. Again, the tunnel is dark. The light has diminished as a hope to come out of this grieving journey.

I also stumbled across the wedding gown pictures my mom took. It was beautiful. I will cherish that moment forever, I just wish he were able to see it on me.  

Saturday, November 5, 2011


I couldn't help from posting today. Our wedding day. I don't have much to say other than I'm really sad. I miss him so much. More to come soon as I get through this extremely challenging period.  I feel so lost and so beat up, yet again.

Thanks for your support. Much love.