denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Monday, April 11, 2011

a really hard post....

Here I am, it's 1:15am and I cannot sleep. I have a lot on my mind, as usual.

I am in a better place emotionally, although as I'm typing this I am sobbing uncontrollably. I am ready to move on with my life. Grayson's life. This does not mean I am moving on "from Scott." This means that I am ready to embrace whatever life throws at me. I have learned so fucking much about myself over the last couple of months. I am very proud of what I've learned and how I will incorporate that into my daily life...forever.

Scott was in my life for a reason. He was in my life for a short amount of time compared to the average life span of a person but what's important is that now I know why he was in my life. He showed me love, he showed me my self-worth, he made me non-selfish, he helped turn me from a drunk to someone who cared deeply about others and he simply loved me for me. That is important. I have this to cherish.

Did we have the healthiest relationship? No. I don't know if anyone does, but I know I will take what I've learned and apply it to all my relationships. That is the piece of him that will live with me forever. I am forever changed.  While I hate that Scott's not here to talk to him about everything, I've said it before that he's where he wanted to be and now maybe I am starting to get where I should be going. It's so hard to say, but it's the truth. I promised myself as hard as some things are to say out loud, I would always be honest with myself and people reading this blog.

It's okay for me to feel this way. I do not feel guilty for wanting to move forward with my life. I used to, but not anymore. I am accepting what life has given me and making something of it. I am not the type of person who will sit in a room by myself and have Scott consume my every thought. I would never get better. I would never heal. I did not die the day he died. I am alive. I am living and I want to be here. I want to be happy. I think I deserve that. I think that Scott would want that. I hope everyone in my life wants that for me and if they don't, they can get out of my life. It's as simple as that.

This process truly allows you to see who your friends are and who they aren't. I love my friends. I don't need to name names, but I hope you're reading this and smiling. As hard as it was for me to post, it might be hard for you to read, however know that what I'm feeling is real. I am not healed, I will still have low days, but the good is outweighing the bad, which hasn't happened for a very long time.

I will not spend each day worrying about what I should or shouldn't be doing because I often times put too much pressure on myself. I will simply live my life and take it one day at a time. That's where I am now and it feels good to know how far I've come. I can visibly see the light in the tunnel and it gets closer and closer every day. Closer to what, I don't you come out of the tunnel, I don't know, but I guess we shall see.


  1. I just woke up out of nowhere, and now I think I know why. This is the entry of your blog that I've been waiting for, and words can not describe how proud I am of you at this moment. This is, at least in my opinion, the first significant step towards healing.

    You have real friends that will be here through thick and thin, and through everything that life throws at you, darlin. Keep on keeping on, because those of us that care are indeed happy to realize what's now taking place.

  2. I love you Rich. You must be so connected to my heart. I was hurting last night. Hurting but also healing. It's a tough line to draw, but I can now see that I am healing really well.

    Thank you for being proud. It honestly means the world to me. I read your post this morning and cried. I was so afraid of people judging me, but you are a TRUE friend. Through and through.

    I love you and thank you so much for being a HUGE PART OF MY LIFE. I am so forever grateful!!!!! So glad you're happy for me. So so glad.

  3. Wow Grayson...It looks like you are connecting your dots to healing. It is a very difficult process but you are finding the way. Remember, be fixed on your goal but flexible about how you get there. One day at a time:)

    Lakeesha@Connie's Purse

  4. All we want is for you to be happy. The healing process is long but good for you to be able to see that things are getting better. Scott will always be in our hearts and never forgotten but we all have to heal from this and we all have to move on. I am so happy that you are starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Your a very amazing and strong woman. You have friends that will stick by you no matter what. Whether you are having a really bad day or a really good day. We love you!!!

  5. Thanks everyone for the support. Love you ALL!!!!!