denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

upcoming dates without him

All I can think about lately are these key dates that are quickly approaching. Father's Day is Sunday, my birthday is next Thursday and then Scott's birthday and our engagement is July 10th.

It makes me sad. Very sad actually that he won't be here for Father's Day. It was always a big day for him to spend with Chaz. He was such an amazing father and I hate that Chaz doesn't have his dad physically here anymore. It breaks my heart because I've never seen love the way I saw Scott loving his son. It was magical. I always envied that love but realize it's a special love between a father and son.

I started this post before work and now it's 10pm. I had therapy today and couldn't go back to work afterwards. I was so sad. So sick of feeling the way that I do. So tired of always being emotional and feeling lost within myself. I feel like I'm an emotional basket case and I fear this is the "new me." My therapist reassured me, it's not. I'm grieving. I've suffered great loss. Only time will help.

I often get annoyed with the assumptions that "I'm okay." Just because I smile and can laugh, doesn't mean I'm happy. I still fucking hurt every single day. This is what I hate. I want it to be over. I don't want to have to hurt everyday. I miss him. And missing him hurts me. It sometimes just feels like a big slap in the face.

I am breaking down. I'm allowing the time I need to break down. I need to be alone, so I'm alone. I'm taking care of me. I'm feeling what I need to feel, although it still hurts. It's like being sick but not knowing what you need to get better. "Time heals" is the worst fucking saying ever. I hate it. I'm ready to get on with my life, yet I cannot speed up this process like I wish I could. That's my personality. I just have to sit back and let it control my life. I cannot control this. I can only TRY to live with it and not piss off a lot of people along the way :)

This is why grieving sucks. I'm glad the name of my blog still makes sense.

1 comment:

  1. OMG!!! I can totally relate to these feelings. It's unbelievable the amount of stress, anger , hurt, happy, sad,ok, not ok momemnts that you have with grief. "Time heals" does seem like the worst saying. Sometimes I say to myself, I just want my life back because I don't know what this is. Hang in there girlie because we have to. We have to figure out what our purpose is now that all of this has happened to us. If you would like a partner sometimes when you run just let me know.