denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Thursday, May 26, 2011

again. here we go.

So here I am. In Michigan. For a funeral. I've been through this before. I'm here to travel with my family to Texas tomorrow morning. I hate that I'm attending another funeral. I hate that this is truly happening, this is my reality right now. I wish I could curl into a little ball. I truly do.

My emotions are so raw. My patience is so thin. I don't have it in me to do this again, yet I know I will. I cannot guarantee I'll be able to attend all the dinners and shit, but I can promise that I'm there for my other brother, Charles. I want to be his rock. His guiding light if you will. That will give me strength, knowing that I am helping him. I cannot bullshit. I won't act fake. I am me now. I'm an emotional, straight-forward, direct "hot mess." I cannot sugar-coat. And where I'm going, I'll need to do this, and I know I can't, which is why there are some "gatherings" that I might not be able to do. I'm glad Casey and I have our own rental car. We can whisk Charles away and do whatever. If he wants. I just need to be flexible I guess. Flexible to heal. Flexible to my emotions and what I need. I'm still on a really emotional ride and I fear if I'm not careful, I might not be going in the direction I want to go.

I feel pretty confident that I'm aware of what I am feeling. I know it's okay if I cannot attend everything. What's important is that I'm there for  the loss of Tyler and for Charles, however he might need me. I will do my best. That's all I will ever give.

1 comment:

  1. Do what you can, and let others be how they will be. I'm glad you're in touch with how you're feeling, and that you are unafraid to share - this will help you heal. And getting some quality time with Charles and Casey will help too.