denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Monday, June 20, 2011

father's day

Yesterday was Father's Day and I was worried how I would handle it. Father's Day has always been a tricky one for me, given some challenges I've faced with my own father. I had my first panic/anxiety attack 9 years ago on Father's Day, at a movie theatre. It was not fun, but I'm also not the same person I was back then.

Father's Day was the first "milestone" since Scott's death and I felt his absence. He should've been with his son. It makes me think of all that he's missing and all that Chaz will miss from his father as he grows older and it makes more sense to him. He often speaks of "when dad was alive..." and it honestly tugs at my heart. I'm so glad he's speaking of his father this way. I hope Scott is smiling somewhere when he hears Chaz say that. Chaz will always remember his father because he was such a big part of his life, even though we lived in Chicago. I'm also very thankful Chaz has such a great stepfather, which will be an integral part of his life as he gets older :)

I went to see X-MEN last night with B and I couldn't help but think that Scott should be watching this with Chaz. It's something they would do together and both really enjoy. I was usually along for the ride but liked to be a part of what they enjoyed. Sometimes when I see movies I think of all the things Scott is missing and it makes me sad. But my life has to carry-on. I have to accept my sadness because I'm not sure if will ever fully go away.

I'm proud of myself for seeing a movie on Father's Day. It's a tough day. Thanks to my amazing boy too for spending the day with me. I'm grateful and full of love today.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

need change...

I have this really strong urge for change. I'm not sure what that means yet, but I want major change. I'm taking baby steps at the moment, which seems to help, but it's not really alleviating the feeling/urge that I have.

At work, I cleaned up my office and got a laptop instead of a desktop. I'm really liking that change. Smalls things do count.

Tonight, in my blur of sadness, I rearranged/organized a bit at my apartment. Scott and I collected anime girl dolls/action figure things and I took them down. It hurt to see them. I want this place to look like me and I think he strongly encouraged those purchases. I like the girls, but that's not what I want. I want change! I want me. I want new. I want Grayson. Sometimes when I look around at my apartment, it's hard to look at everything. Everything reminds me of him, which is okay, however it's causing a lot of pain this week. I cannot balance it very well right now. A huge part of it is the apartment building. Maybe I should've thought that through better, but when he first died, I wanted to hang on for as long as I could. As time progresses, it's really hard to be reminded sometimes because it hurts. I've never had a bad breakup in a relationship where I got dumped and that's what this feels like, probably times a million. It's open-ended. There's not closure unless I create the closure. I think of closure as mutual, not one-sided. I need to find a way for total closure, however I'm not sure that is ever possible to be honest. I will always think of him. Closure is moving on, which I'm doing, but it still feels like it's all left open because I'm not saying "Scott, I've moved on" to HIM. Yes I've said it in writing or to myself, but not to his physical self. I struggle with that. How do you make that better?

That was a long paragraph (sorry K!!!).

This was a ramble of sorts. I'll hopefully come to a happy medium on whatever "change" I am looking for. It might just be a new piece of furniture. It might be a new piece of art.

One change that I am happy about is how much I am running. It's a huge release for me. I get a lot sorted through in my brain. I wish I could run all day, everyday sometimes. However my legs would fall off. It's liberating and I think it's been a good, healthy outlet for me. Instead of smoking, I run. I want to continue to get better at it. I like seeing improvements in my speed and ability to go further. It makes me smile. I'm ready to run right now actually.

upcoming dates without him

All I can think about lately are these key dates that are quickly approaching. Father's Day is Sunday, my birthday is next Thursday and then Scott's birthday and our engagement is July 10th.

It makes me sad. Very sad actually that he won't be here for Father's Day. It was always a big day for him to spend with Chaz. He was such an amazing father and I hate that Chaz doesn't have his dad physically here anymore. It breaks my heart because I've never seen love the way I saw Scott loving his son. It was magical. I always envied that love but realize it's a special love between a father and son.

I started this post before work and now it's 10pm. I had therapy today and couldn't go back to work afterwards. I was so sad. So sick of feeling the way that I do. So tired of always being emotional and feeling lost within myself. I feel like I'm an emotional basket case and I fear this is the "new me." My therapist reassured me, it's not. I'm grieving. I've suffered great loss. Only time will help.

I often get annoyed with the assumptions that "I'm okay." Just because I smile and can laugh, doesn't mean I'm happy. I still fucking hurt every single day. This is what I hate. I want it to be over. I don't want to have to hurt everyday. I miss him. And missing him hurts me. It sometimes just feels like a big slap in the face.

I am breaking down. I'm allowing the time I need to break down. I need to be alone, so I'm alone. I'm taking care of me. I'm feeling what I need to feel, although it still hurts. It's like being sick but not knowing what you need to get better. "Time heals" is the worst fucking saying ever. I hate it. I'm ready to get on with my life, yet I cannot speed up this process like I wish I could. That's my personality. I just have to sit back and let it control my life. I cannot control this. I can only TRY to live with it and not piss off a lot of people along the way :)

This is why grieving sucks. I'm glad the name of my blog still makes sense.

Monday, June 13, 2011

roller coaster. I want off.

I need to post more often. I think about it, but I don't do it. I want to do other things sometimes, not just focus on my feelings, however I have noticed that I am neglecting my feelings a bit.

Last week was a rough week emotionally. Work was really getting to me, but it's gotten much better now. I am re-energized to be here and do what I know I can do well. It feels really good, I'm glad the feeling is back cause I was a little worried.

Sometimes I am still really sad. It's because I've had enough. I'm emotionally drained. I've said that before prior to all of these tragedies happening in my life and now I can truly say it because I get what it means. I cannot process additional emotions well right now. My therapist told me not to make any major decisions for 3 months and she's right. I have so many things running around in my head, but I need to let them run around a bit longer. I need the next 3 months to be the most rewarding months of my life. Yes there will be hurdles, but I want it clear of tragedies and unexpected loss. I want to know that I can be okay again. While I know I will be, it's sometimes hard to remain positive since the loss of my brother. It was even more of a slap in the face that life sucks and I certainly don't want this to always be my life. I don't want to fear the worse, however how can I not? It's really hard to be optimistic at times, which is new to me.I hate that. I sort of hate how Tyler's death affected me. It made me more negative and bitter, which are feelings that will go away, I'm just's all part of this grieving process.

I find myself wanting to just live, forgetting about everything that has happened. But, I don't think that's possible. When I do that, there is always irrational behavior involved where I take my subconscious feelings out on someone else. Basically, I'm not dealing with my feelings. I think I need to write more. I need to release what I feel to feel better.

While I have started to run a lot more, I'm not sure that running will release this level of emotions. There seem to be so many, heightened to a degree of non-normal. This is what I wish would subside. I just want to be normal again. Although I was never normal, would love to go back to my baseline emotional level. That would be ideal. I don't want to always be an emotional roller-coaster, never knowing if I'll be spinning, up, down, left, ride, sideways, etc.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

make it stop.

My head is so foggy today. I have done this before. Headed back to work after a death. It's complicated. I don't feel focused or energized to be here. I feel lost and overwhelmed with what I missed and how to get back on track. It's amazing how life moves forward when tragedy happens. For me, life seems to stop, then you have to run to catch up on what you've missed. I hate that feeling.

There's nothing you can really do about it, except accept it. Sometimes I want to be so negative and let my emotions take over. I'm frustrated that this is all happening. This is all so real and feels surreal

My perspective drastically changed when Scott passed, now the feeling is even more valid with Tyler's passing. Things just don't matter the way they once did. Will they ever? I don't know. It was getting better, but then Tyler died and it all kind of hit again. It's a challenging mind game, but hopefully as my life continues to move forward, this will get easier.

I love where my life is going, yet it was a really painful way to get here and I want the pain to stop. I want to be happy everyday. I want life to be easy, however I'm not sure what "easy" is. I don't think that exists for anyone to be honest. Maybe "easier" is the better word. I wish I could snap my fingers and my head would clear. There is so much noise in there as I figure out my life. I'm along for the ride, but I sure as hell hope the cruise control is set to happy for a while.