denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Saturday, December 3, 2011

a week in review

So last week was an intense week. The IOP process is quite amazing in that the level of support you receive from strangers is incredible. Everyone cares deeply. There is an underlying commonality among all of us and that is the will to get better. To get out of this depressed state and work toward living a happy, healthy life. Some are really struggling themselves, but they always offer support to me. It's quite remarkable. I feel love when I am there. I can tell these people care and I think it's nice being able to relate to others who feel just as shitty as you do. We're linked because of that.

It also takes a toll on me emotionally because my heart is so big. I want to help everyone and fix everyone. I know, as part of my recovery, that I cannot do this. I did it with Scott and I have to learn to take care of myself, not others, otherwise I neglect my own feelings and needs. It's hard and I'm working on it. I just see so much potential in everyone, when they don't see it in themselves.

It's amazing how good compliments feel coming from strangers. I was talking to the group about loving candy and one of the group members brought me candy the next day. It's little things that really matter to me. That has always been the case. It's sweet. They care.

It gives me a deeper understanding of depression for sure. Scott was depressed so I see him in all these people. I wish he would've/could've done this program. I think it would've helped him with coping skills. I see how much it helps others who suffer from severe depression, like him. It brings pain to me everyday to hear similar stories that he shared with me.

Overall, I'm glad I'm in the program. I also stopped taking the antidepressant last night. It was putting me in this daze. I felt robotic. I didn't feel in control. I would rather be sad with grief than to numb myself to my feelings. I felt light headed and anxious all the time. I'm hoping these feelings start to go away soon. I knew I wouldn't like it. I'm sure it was all mind over matter cause I never wanted to take it in the first place. I like being me. Being in control of my emotions. I think that's a step in the right direction. I know some people truly need these medications and I fully support it for others, but it's not right for me at this time.

I'm headed into the weekend with feelings of loneliness, but I'm glad that I am at least motivated to do things. That was another issue with the antidepressant. I was not motivated and only wanted to sleep. Today I'm going to get out and go xmas shopping, maybe some shopping for me...who knows. Then dinner with Brian. We are working on our friendship because at the end of the day, we are friends and I think we can deepen our friendship during this extremely hard time.

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