roller coaster. I want off.

I need to post more often. I think about it, but I don't do it. I want to do other things sometimes, not just focus on my feelings, however I have noticed that I am neglecting my feelings a bit.

Last week was a rough week emotionally. Work was really getting to me, but it's gotten much better now. I am re-energized to be here and do what I know I can do well. It feels really good, I'm glad the feeling is back cause I was a little worried.

Sometimes I am still really sad. It's because I've had enough. I'm emotionally drained. I've said that before prior to all of these tragedies happening in my life and now I can truly say it because I get what it means. I cannot process additional emotions well right now. My therapist told me not to make any major decisions for 3 months and she's right. I have so many things running around in my head, but I need to let them run around a bit longer. I need the next 3 months to be the most rewarding months of my life. Yes there will be hurdles, but I want it clear of tragedies and unexpected loss. I want to know that I can be okay again. While I know I will be, it's sometimes hard to remain positive since the loss of my brother. It was even more of a slap in the face that life sucks and I certainly don't want this to always be my life. I don't want to fear the worse, however how can I not? It's really hard to be optimistic at times, which is new to me.I hate that. I sort of hate how Tyler's death affected me. It made me more negative and bitter, which are feelings that will go away, I'm just angry...it's all part of this grieving process.

I find myself wanting to just live, forgetting about everything that has happened. But, I don't think that's possible. When I do that, there is always irrational behavior involved where I take my subconscious feelings out on someone else. Basically, I'm not dealing with my feelings. I think I need to write more. I need to release what I feel to feel better.

While I have started to run a lot more, I'm not sure that running will release this level of emotions. There seem to be so many, heightened to a degree of non-normal. This is what I wish would subside. I just want to be normal again. Although I was never normal, would love to go back to my baseline emotional level. That would be ideal. I don't want to always be an emotional roller-coaster, never knowing if I'll be spinning, up, down, left, ride, sideways, etc.