As we head into the holidays, I'm reminded of where I was last year at this time. November 5th was the beginning of what is going to be a very, very sad period for me. I am not ready for this. I want more than anything to not have to feel the pain of missing him so much.
I heard an ambulance siren yesterday and immediately was taken back to the two ambulance rides we took for his hospital stays in Chicago. I hear sirens every day and night, but yesterday it triggered a lot more. It was this time last year where I was either at work (trying to work), at home (taking care of him) or running to the hospital as often as I could to make sure he wasn't alone. It was so exhausting but I would do it all over again if I could. I feel like we left so much unanswered and up in the air. I now hate that I ever left his side when he was in the hospital. Why didn't I spend the night every night? Did that upset him? You think so many things when you cannot have answers. It's brutal, but I don't know how to stop it. They are irrational thoughts that eat at my core, making it hard to function anymore.
I have entered into this stage of self-realization. I live alone. I will never bring him coffee with an ice cube. I will never get the paper for him or sit on the couch next to him while he reads the paper. I will never walk into the bedroom and wake him up, or check on him. He will never cook me dinner, as I had to make dinner myself this week and I hated it. I could barely eat because I had to cook, eat and clean. I always cleaned. It's hard to not have a routine anymore when you had the same routine for so long. Scott and I had a rhythm that is no more. Why am I feeling it now? Because all of the things I've tried to fill the void won't work. I'm realizing that I've tried a lot to help fix the hole in my heart and nothing will fix it. I don't know how long it'll be there, but I know he has a piece of me that will be gone forever.
I'm torn. I am lost. I don't know what I need at all. Time away from the day to day? A vacation? To move? It's all so confusing because my brain doesn't work normally. I'm consumed with sadness. I thought it would lift some this week, but it hasn't. I think it's here to stay for a while...as hard as that is for me to admit.