denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Monday, April 18, 2011

WARNING: This is an INTENSE post. Swearing, honest, raw emotion.

EDIT: Nothing happened to make me write this. There is not one situation where I needed to type this. It's just part of the process that I am going through. Yes, I am angry, but they are internal struggles. No one has upset me. :)

Well the baseball bat has hit me again. And fucking when it hits, it hits so hard. Since I was having so many good days consistently, this was bound to happen. It's inevitable. It's good and it's bad. It's good because I know that I am still grieving. I'm not "over it" and when the sadness hits, I MUST deal with it in order to get better. I sometimes wish I didn't have to, but I do. It's bad because you're on this great path of self-discovery and happiness, then all of a sudden you're hit with intense sadness. I miss Scott everyday, however there are days where I do feel happy on the path I'm on. Good will come of Scott's passing. Good comes from tragedy. Do I wish it were different, hell yeah, but it's not. This is my reality.

I did not feel happy last night. I felt all the guilt of the days leading up to yesterday where I was happy. I know I fucking deserve happiness. Everyone in my life should feel the same way.  Everyone said "Scott would want you to be happy." I never really understood that. I didn't know what he would want. We never talked about life after one of us died. How do you know? How am I supposed to know? I do know now. And quite frankly, it doesn't matter. It's my life now. He's not here with me. He cannot make decisions with me or be a part of that anymore. It's just me.

I have a fear of people judging me as I do move on this path of GRAYSON'S LIFE. Moving on meaning dating (yes, I am ready!), going out, smiling, really laughing from my heart again. Feeling good. Feeling like things happen for a reason. Here's what I have to say, NO ONE knows what I have been through. NO ONE. Not even my family. No one was here every single fucking day living my life while Scott was alive and sick. NO ONE knows what my relationship with Scott was like when he wasn't sick. NO ONE. No one knows what I am learning every single day about myself and what I need to be healthy again. No one is inside my head to feel what I feel. The only person who does is me. What I ask of people is that they trust me. Trust me to know that I will make my own decisions. If I fail, I will learn. If I succeed, I will continue to improve. I will not be fucking perfect. Neither is anyone else. There isn't a step by step guide telling me what to do. Not all grievers are the same. You follow your heart and trust that your heart will lead you down the path you need to be on. That's what I am doing and want people to respect that. This is where I will also help other grievers someday. When compassion and living outweighs the grief, you are on the path to move on. It's not a science. It's all based on emotion. No one will have the same time table after a tragic loss. NO ONE.

Here's what I fear the most. "It's only been 4 months since he passed, how can she move on?" Here's my answer. "Fuck you." It feels like it's been years to me. I was not functioning for 2 months after he passed. Literally not functioning. I was grieving before he even died. I will not go into detail, but this is NOT something I want to hear from anyone (read above another time if needed. lol.). I understand people being protective, without a doubt. I am protective. I will be protective of my heart. Know that I am taking care of that.

There is a second fear, but I will not disclose that yet. It's private. It's personal. The time will come when I am ready.

I apologize if anyone was offended reading this. However, it's my blog. It's my thoughts. It's my path. Yes that is a bit harsh, but welcome to my world of grieving.


  1. Well said my friend. Live YOUR life the way YOU see fit. Only you know what you are ready for (or not). I hate to say it, but you'll find out where people sit on things when they put their two cents in where it's not needed, especially with regards to the loss of a loved one. We all know how much Scott meant to you. That should never be questioned. Nor should your life going forward.

  2. You couldn't have said it better, Daren. Thank you. I will remember this. It touched my heart when you said "we all know how much Scott meant to you." Thank you, thank you, thank you. You're a good friend who knew both Scott and I very well. :) you rock!!

  3. Grayson,
    You have to follow your own heart and your own path through grieving. It'll be different every day and it will be hard and easy in ways that you'll never understand. You don't have to explain yourself to ANYONE about ANY of this. Own your own feelings and stick to that. You are in control and you can (and should) only focus on what you can control. The opinions and feelings of others is not on the agenda. Be strong, day by day, one breath at a time. :)

  4. I have said it time and time again. I can not imagine what you are going through. You have to go on and live your life the way you want to live. Others people's opinions are just that opinions. You have to make yourself happy. Life is to short to worry about what other people think. Just know that Shane and I will always be there for you no matter what path of life you decide to take. Do what is gonna make you truly happy. Your heart will lead you in the right direction. You just have to follow it. Love you!!!

  5. Gray, my circumstances are/were different, but everybody thought I was crazy for moving on too fast and well, they were wrong. Even if it hadn't turned out well, they were wrong. Your path in this life is YOUR path. I love you no matter what...'course, you already know that :-)

  6. Thank you all for your positivity and support :) these are just internal struggles that I have and am working to correct. I appreciate all that you have to say :) It definitely helps on this journey. XOXO.

  7. Grayson, if you get a chance, listen to the song "My Wish" by Rascall Flatts. This song makes me think of you when I hear it. This song is what your friends and family want for you. Love you!!!

  8. That was a beautiful song. Thank you for sharing that with me. i couldn't help but cry because it's so comforting to know that my friends want the best for me. I want that too. Thank you, I will listen to this song often. I love you and needed that today :)