EDIT: Nothing happened to make me write this. There is not one situation where I needed to type this. It's just part of the process that I am going through. Yes, I am angry, but they are internal struggles. No one has upset me. :)
Well the baseball bat has hit me again. And fucking when it hits, it hits so hard. Since I was having so many good days consistently, this was bound to happen. It's inevitable. It's good and it's bad. It's good because I know that I am still grieving. I'm not "over it" and when the sadness hits, I MUST deal with it in order to get better. I sometimes wish I didn't have to, but I do. It's bad because you're on this great path of self-discovery and happiness, then all of a sudden you're hit with intense sadness. I miss Scott everyday, however there are days where I do feel happy on the path I'm on. Good will come of Scott's passing. Good comes from tragedy. Do I wish it were different, hell yeah, but it's not. This is my reality.
I did not feel happy last night. I felt all the guilt of the days leading up to yesterday where I was happy. I know I fucking deserve happiness. Everyone in my life should feel the same way. Everyone said "Scott would want you to be happy." I never really understood that. I didn't know what he would want. We never talked about life after one of us died. How do you know? How am I supposed to know? I do know now. And quite frankly, it doesn't matter. It's my life now. He's not here with me. He cannot make decisions with me or be a part of that anymore. It's just me.
I have a fear of people judging me as I do move on this path of GRAYSON'S LIFE. Moving on meaning dating (yes, I am ready!), going out, smiling, really laughing from my heart again. Feeling good. Feeling like things happen for a reason. Here's what I have to say, NO ONE knows what I have been through. NO ONE. Not even my family. No one was here every single fucking day living my life while Scott was alive and sick. NO ONE knows what my relationship with Scott was like when he wasn't sick. NO ONE. No one knows what I am learning every single day about myself and what I need to be healthy again. No one is inside my head to feel what I feel. The only person who does is me. What I ask of people is that they trust me. Trust me to know that I will make my own decisions. If I fail, I will learn. If I succeed, I will continue to improve. I will not be fucking perfect. Neither is anyone else. There isn't a step by step guide telling me what to do. Not all grievers are the same. You follow your heart and trust that your heart will lead you down the path you need to be on. That's what I am doing and want people to respect that. This is where I will also help other grievers someday. When compassion and living outweighs the grief, you are on the path to move on. It's not a science. It's all based on emotion. No one will have the same time table after a tragic loss. NO ONE.
Here's what I fear the most. "It's only been 4 months since he passed, how can she move on?" Here's my answer. "Fuck you." It feels like it's been years to me. I was not functioning for 2 months after he passed. Literally not functioning. I was grieving before he even died. I will not go into detail, but this is NOT something I want to hear from anyone (read above another time if needed. lol.). I understand people being protective, without a doubt. I am protective. I will be protective of my heart. Know that I am taking care of that.
There is a second fear, but I will not disclose that yet. It's private. It's personal. The time will come when I am ready.
I apologize if anyone was offended reading this. However, it's my blog. It's my thoughts. It's my path. Yes that is a bit harsh, but welcome to my world of grieving.