denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Friday, April 15, 2011

pink hair

Here I am. Sitting at Argo Tea. Alone. And I have to say that it feels good. It’s good to be alone. It’s good to know that I can do this. Being alone can have such negative meaning, which in reality, it’s actually pretty powerful stuff. When you’re alone, your stuck getting to know yourself. There’s no one but you.

Being alone is part of my life now. By choice, not forced. I need this. Everyone needs this in my opinion. At first I was never comfortable being alone, but as I get used to it and grow more and more confident everyday, the more I’m starting to like it. I like it because I like me. I like the person that I am changing into.

Scott’s death has really made me examine myself. Not only am I self-aware, I am self-indulging. I am doing things that I’ve always wanted to do, but for some reason, have never done. I never allowed myself to truly be me for reasons I don’t know. I was so consumed by making Scott happy, I forgot how to make me happy sometimes.

It’s okay though. Cause I’m learning. I’m not stuck. I’m growing. I know where I’m headed and I love where that is.

I was in the bathroom at work the other day and laughed when I looked in the mirror. My hair is fucking bright pink. Who does that? I do. I am proud that I am who I am.  

I have always been vocal, confident and strong. But, now it’s a more powerful feeling. Now I am BRAVE. Knowing that I am allowing myself to be emotionally invested in me and that it’s okay.

Scott knew me, but I don’t think he ever realized how much of myself I lost somewhere in our relationship. I mean…I didn’t realize it.  As hard as it is to not be able to talk to him about it, I have to have faith that we were together for a reason. I want to believe that I gave him the best years of his life. I gave him all that I could give anyone and he knew that. For that, I am grateful. That makes me smile. 

As each day passes. I am getting more comfortable with me. I  know what I want. And I’m taking complete control of my life. Probably for the first time in 30 years.

Damn it feels good to have pink hair. 

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