I do not know where I find the strength to stand sometimes. I don't want my strength to be tested any further. I get it, I'm strong. I'm sick of it. I want to fall apart, but it's almost like I don't know how. Where some people cannot find strength to carry-on, I do not feel as though I can find weakness.
The weakness is making me stronger. The pain is making me stronger. I am really struggling, but somehow managing to move forward.
I fear what the weekend brings. I fear what will happen to me emotionally knowing I'm at a funeral. What feelings will resurface? This will truly be a test in my opinion of how far I've come. I know how low the lows can be. I never want to go back there. I cannot avoid it if it happens, but I will do all that I can to stay away from that. I have to remember and feel the strength of how far I've come. Grieving is an intense fucking process that has no rules. It's almost like your mind makes the rules for you as you go. It's hard to explain.
Life has a completely new perspective for me. When Scott died, it opened my eyes to many things, now they are really wide open. However, I am having a better time managing my frustration by knowing that not everyone has the same perspective on life as I do.
I am so sad today. Really down, but still moving. Not knowing what I need, except time I guess.