denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Saturday, May 28, 2011

a sad day review

Today was really hard, obviously. The funeral was at a church so different than a funeral home. Different meaning, it was unknown to me the "process" of how it all worked. The family stayed off in a room while friends gathered in the church. The chorus began singing and the family was escorted to the front of the church. All eyes starring. It was very sad. I was sobbing the entire time. I didn't like being the center of the stage for all people to see. Wasn't I supposed to be walking down a wedding aisle?

Tyler's two girl friends sang a Jimmy Eat World song called "Hear You Me." It is one of my favorite songs and it reminded me a lot of Scott since he was a Jimmy Eat World fan as well. I had an epic breakdown because it was sang acoustic style and Katy sang it beautifully. I will cherish that song even more now.

We spent the day in Fort Worth at my stepsisters house with the Ellwood family. It was nice, but I needed to be alone for a bit. We came back to the hotel and I immediately went to the pool. I needed it. I still need it. I need a major decompression. I'm so sick of feeling sad. I'm sick of the stress it's causing me. It's making it hard for me to think rationally and I get bent out of shape over the smallest of things. My anxiety is at an all time high. I hope that I stabilize a bit when I get home to Chicago. I need to relax...somehow. I think there is pooltime in my near future for sure.

After the pool, we got my brother and went to dinner. It was so nice. It was nice to see him smile and be the typical witty Charles that I love so much. I'm so thankful that I was able to spend a lot of time with him. He's such a special soul. I worry about him deeply. How can I not? I want to make sure he's okay every single day!

Now, as I am sitting in the hotel writing, my anxiety is high. I hated saying goodbye to my brother and saying goodbye forever to my other brother. I had a moment on the elevator where I felt like the walls were closing in on me. It was a weird physical experience. I am at an emotional breaking point. I think I've had all I can take. Life cannot give me more. This is it for a while. My plate is completely full.

I hate knowing I'll never see him again. I wish I could sit him down one more time. I wish I could hear him laugh one more time. I said the same things about Scott. Cherish every moment you have with those you love. Honestly. I need to take my own advice too. Once my stress levels return to normal, I will be able to do this. Right now, I'm too fucking heightened by life.

Can't deal!

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