denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Monday, June 20, 2011

father's day

Yesterday was Father's Day and I was worried how I would handle it. Father's Day has always been a tricky one for me, given some challenges I've faced with my own father. I had my first panic/anxiety attack 9 years ago on Father's Day, at a movie theatre. It was not fun, but I'm also not the same person I was back then.

Father's Day was the first "milestone" since Scott's death and I felt his absence. He should've been with his son. It makes me think of all that he's missing and all that Chaz will miss from his father as he grows older and it makes more sense to him. He often speaks of "when dad was alive..." and it honestly tugs at my heart. I'm so glad he's speaking of his father this way. I hope Scott is smiling somewhere when he hears Chaz say that. Chaz will always remember his father because he was such a big part of his life, even though we lived in Chicago. I'm also very thankful Chaz has such a great stepfather, which will be an integral part of his life as he gets older :)

I went to see X-MEN last night with B and I couldn't help but think that Scott should be watching this with Chaz. It's something they would do together and both really enjoy. I was usually along for the ride but liked to be a part of what they enjoyed. Sometimes when I see movies I think of all the things Scott is missing and it makes me sad. But my life has to carry-on. I have to accept my sadness because I'm not sure if will ever fully go away.

I'm proud of myself for seeing a movie on Father's Day. It's a tough day. Thanks to my amazing boy too for spending the day with me. I'm grateful and full of love today.

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