denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Monday, November 7, 2011

wedding blues

The feelings that I have for Scott have intensified into a world I didn't know existed. When something you wanted with all your heart doesn't happen, you are left with more than a broken heart. You are left with a missing piece of you. A piece you so desperately want because you created it in your head for so long. I will never get that. He will never see me in that amazing wedding dress. He will never slip a ring onto my finger that connects us to one another forever. Our forever is over. It hurts me beyond words. I really do need him. I never knew how much I needed him until I lost him. I want so desperately to see him. I want so desperately for all of this to disappear. I want to run away from the pain. I swear it has never hurt so much.

Our wedding was a day to look forward to, not an anniversary of a sad day. It was a happy day. A happy day turned really sad. When he was sick, I was so faithful that 2011 would be our year. We were getting married! He was excited, he just wanted to get better. I was nervous he wouldn't be better in time for our wedding, and as much as I thought this might kill him, I never actually understood that to be true. It did. All I can think about is him wanting a really nice tuxedo to wear. He wasn't going to rent one, that wasn't Scott. He would wear the nicest, most expensive suit that fit his body well, with a slim-cut. It wasn't even a question what shoes he would wear, some sort of Nike shoes. However, we did speak of having some patent leather in the design. His groomsmen were going to wear Nike's as well and this was going to be their gift from Scott. We spoke about what I would walk down the aisle to, and a Beatles song was probably ideal. "Here comes the sun" was a top runner although Scott mentioned a lot of others. We still had a lot to do. He was going to design everything. Our logo. Our invitations. He wanted to get one of those wax sealers and seal every envelope. That was so important to him as he definitely said it more than once. It would have been a magical day. 

I cannot think beyond me and Scott's wedding right now. I'm so focused in the pain and the hurt that it didn't happen. I cannot look back on it and have a good memory right now. They are all sad. I cannot look ahead and know my "future will be bright." That's too much positive-thinking when I feel this way. Again, the tunnel is dark. The light has diminished as a hope to come out of this grieving journey.

I also stumbled across the wedding gown pictures my mom took. It was beautiful. I will cherish that moment forever, I just wish he were able to see it on me.  

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