denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Saturday, March 19, 2011

where I've been.

It has been 10 weeks (tomorrow) when I found Scott dead. That's right dead. I could not have said it so bluntly before, but today I can. It's my reality and it's what I must live with for the rest of my life.

The first week was a blur. Family and friends were always by my side, directing me to eat, sleep, shower, etc. I needed directors and they were amazing. I simply went through the motions. Then, after the funeral, it hit me. It hit me hard. Pain I have never, ever, ever experienced. A pain so deep that I didn't know I was capable of feeling so bad. It's called grieving. I had just buried my fiance. I was picking out his casket, when I should've been picking out his wedding band or tuxedo for our wedding.

There were days where I couldn't get up. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't even brush my teeth. You don't know what to do. You don't know what you need or what to say. There are truly no words for this pain.

He was getting better, why is he gone? How did we go to dinner and a movie the night before, then BAM, dead. It doesn't make sense to me to this day.

I feel like it's been 5 years since he passed away. Grieving isn't the same for everyone so there is no manual to tell you what to do or what not to do. I know that I am more self-aware than I have ever been and know that someday the pain will start to ease, but it feels so far away.

I miss Scott every day. I miss his presence. I miss having my best friend. I miss his love.

People say to take one day at a time and I think that's right to some extent, however in the beginning, I had to take each second at a time, or each breath. Then it was each minute. I'm at the point now where I am taking each hour at a time. Eventually it'll get to a day at a time. Then who knows.

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