denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Thursday, March 24, 2011


I was raised very Christian. Church of Christ actually. Church three times a week, twice on Sunday and once on Wednesday. We eventually stopped going to church and as I entered into adulthood, I slowly moved away from any religious beliefs. I am agnostic. Not sure what I believe. I sometimes feel I border on the line of atheist as well, if I'm being honest.

So knowing what I know about religion, which is a lot, I don't understand heaven. Do I believe in heaven? No. But I know what I was taught to believe but now that I've had a tragic loss, I REALLY question heaven.

Why would heaven be a place of love, happiness and no worry, when the person dead would have to look down upon those who are grieving? If there was a heaven and Scott saw me like this, he would be miserable. There's no way around it. He hated seeing me sad. He always held me when I was crying or had a bad day. So how do you answer that? I need to talk to a preacher or something for the answer. I do wonder what someone would say. Feel free to comment.

This post is not meant to bash any religion. I respect all and do not judge what you believe in and I expect the same in return :)


  1. I feel a preacher would say that ultimately Scott would know you'll be okay it's just a matter of how long till then and that would make it so he wasn't so miserable in heaven.

    That's my thought, though I'm agnostic too.

  2. Hi Grayson,

    I love that you're keeping this blog and am really sorry for everything that you have to go through.
    I am a Christian and I do believe in heaven. I don't have all the answers and I don't think anyone does (that's why we need faith) but I think that since on earth our concerns are with the right now and and heaven is for eternity, maybe your sadness will be outweighed by the fact that you'll ultimately get through it and come out all the stronger. I believe heaven is a place of true joy and even though I can't fathom it at all, it doesn't make it any less real.

    And that's my two cents. :)

  3. thanks for your two cents citymitten. I appreciate it ;)

  4. Gray, we were raised with the same Christian up bringing and I found everything they taught us was based on obeying for FEAR of what will happen if you don't. I certainly don't approve of how that church in particular has treated those I care about. My idea of God was always much more peaceful, loving and happy. Today I'm very jaded toward organized religion. I find myself exploring other spiritual alternatives, especially buddism. One thing I know for sure is there is something beyond this physical life. I've had too many experiences that tell me other wise. Is there a Heaven? I don't believe there is, at least not in the sense that we were taught. I do believe those who've past look out for us until we're strong enough to make it on our own and maybe even longer. I guess we will never know for sure until it is our turn to make that journey. Continue to talk to'll be surprised in the many forms his answers will come to you. I've enjoyed reading your blog. I know I don't always comment (a first for know I'm a talker), but I read it every night. I'm so very proud of you for working through your grief. At times it's difficult to feel your pain through your writing. I'd take it from you if I could. I love you so very much!

  5. Thank you E for providing your perspective. I like how you're laying this out. It makes sense to me. I know, too, that we've all had some weird experiences that would tell us otherwise that spirits are out there. I will continue to talk to him and hope that I see his answers. It scares me a little bit, but I need to embrace it. I love you so very much too!