denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

shaky hands

I went to Whole Foods after work and realized that maybe I'm hiding some feelings. My hands are really shaky right now, which could be my anxiety. It's amazing what triggers anxiety throughout this process. Scott and I would go to Whole Foods on Friday night as a "treat" to get something to eat that night. If I were to guess, I think that triggered some feelings of loneliness. I am here alone. I have to do things on my own. I am only buying for one. I am no longer buying for two. I'm so glad that I never held back on giving to Scott, whether that was love and care or presents.

Scott loved presents so much and I loved giving him whatever he wanted, if I could afford it. Everyday was MY present from Scott, I now realize. He was such an incredible person and it just makes the hole in my heart so much greater. If he were a bad person or treated me like shit, maybe this would be easier. It's so hard because he loved me so much and now I don't have that. I don't have the feeling of comfort and support the way I did with him.

I feel like I'm alone on an island sometimes. Just me, with no one listening, or no one to relate to. I want to tell him about my day. I want to ask him stupid questions about the internet wireless router, about which macbook to get, about everything. I feel like there was so much more for him to teach me and to learn about one another and I'll never get that opportunity.

I realize I am  hiding my feelings from myself. I don't know how not to do this. It is part of the transition of entering the world again. I need to get better. I need to listen to me and my needs. It has been really hard since being back at work.  I find that I bring humor instead of my pain. I would rather laugh sometimes than cry, and I think that's okay. In moderation I guess.

There is one thing that I am happy about today, that Scott will never be sick again. He will never have to wonder why he was getting sick. He will never have to worry. But for those that are left behind, we still have to go through life, even though I feel like I have no more life in me.

My hands have stopped shaking.

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