denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Thursday, March 24, 2011

the waves

Since I have had some bad nights this week, it's only natural in MY grieving roller coaster that I have a good night and tonight was that night. I have felt good tonight. Comfortable being alone. Comfortable in my own skin.

I worked out, which could've helped too. I often think that good days are just the reflection of the days before. Because I am so sad and the pain is so great that anything will feel better than that. Almost like a rainbow after the storm. It's just natural for my process.

Today is a day where I know I can get through this. I take advantage of days like today, because I know they are not going to last forever...well eventually the pain will lessen but not for a long time.

I woke up in a funk today though. I had a really fucked up dream. It was in between one of my snooze sessions of 9 minutes of sleep. I was laying in bed, asleep and Scott's body or soul crept either out from under me or out of me. I followed him to the door to our bedroom and that's all I remember. I think I might've said something, but I was so confused. When I woke up, I was so thankful it was a dream. It was really creepy. I sleep in the same spot where he died. Yes, it's true.

I plan to get a new mattress very soon. I think that will help. I'm not freaked out by sleeping where he died, but if I think about it all the time, I do get really emotional. He was my baby and knowing that was the last place he was is really hard. It will be good to get a new bed, and also hard because that is technically my last memory of him being alive, when I tucked him in the night before.

So I will continue on my high, as long as it lasts. Typically two days, then back to my low again. You just never know, which is why grieving sucks.

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