denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Monday, March 21, 2011

unbearable pain.

I often wonder if I will ever be okay. It sure doesn't seem like it right now. You never know what you will feel. I walked past a place where I know Scott fell (fainted) in our apartment because he was so weak. He had to call me at work to bring him gatorade from the fridge because he had fallen four times trying to walk from the bed to the kitchen. Tonight I walked past and could visibly see where he knocked the picture against the wall and potentially where his hip or body slid downward. It really fucked with my emotions. He was so sick. So goddamn sick and no one could figure out why.

While he was alive, the thought went through my head that he might die from this, however I never knew it would be my reality. I wish I could've done more for him, but I know and he knows that I did all I could.  I remember asking him one night why he loved me, and he said "because you take such good care of me. " I would give anything to have him here beside me so I could take care of him one more time.

It hurts so bad. So fucking bad. Everything hurts. The pain and the emptiness is unbearable. I feel so lonely. My heart has a void and a hole that keeps burning.

I feel like it's been years since his death and it's only been 10 weeks. This is going to be a long, long journey and I hate it. I wish I could give the pain to someone else or a little bit to everyone to help me.

I loved him beyond words.

1 comment:

  1. Very moving post. This really exemplifies the pain that you're dealing with. I am so, so sorry. It's hard to see the "signposts" of daily life that you've attached to events - soon they won't hurt so bad to look at or think about. I really hope you can get some relief soon, and know what really happened. I think that will help more than you may think. I commend you for being so open. I know we were never close in school, at all, but I support you and know you can count on me as a distant friend.