denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Saturday, March 19, 2011

so it all begins...

I want to share my story. It's a story of how I am grieving over the loss of Scott. I want to provide a real, insider perspective into what I am going through on a daily basis. I have never suffered a loss and what a fucking way to experience it for the first time. It's not pretty, it's not fun, it's no joke, but here I will be able to have a safe, honest place to express my feelings.

I wanted to build upon this for those who are reading my blog and don't know my situation. I found my fiance, Scott, dead in our bed on the morning of January 9th. He had been sick for about 5 months but we thought we were on the right path to recovery. He suffered from nausea/vomiting the prior 5 months and based on three hospital stays, there was nothing medically wrong with him. He was diabetic, but that was under control. He was clinically depressed, but taking medications to help. He was so sick (lost 50 pounds, malnourished, lightheaded, weak, etc.). So sick without any answers, other than "depression." I hadn't had my Scott for a long time. But I thought I was slowly getting glimpses of my baby.  The night before he died, we went to a movie ('Tron,' his choice) and dinner. I never would've thought this was my last night with him. As we were sitting at dinner, we were discussing our plans for Sunday. And when Sunday came, he was gone. Dead. This is my story.


  1. Your story is so familiar to mine.
    John was my fiance. He proposed to me on his birthday on April 5, 2010. He died 17 days later. I found him in bed... dead and lifeless. He died from a rare virus called myocarditis.
    Please know you are not alone and I am here for you whenever you need me... another widow at your side. taking this shitty walk together. if you ever need someone to vent to... well, here i am. it's a bitch, huh?

  2. Yes a bitch is right. Thank you so much for your reply. I would love to chat as I'm here for you too. I think grievers must stay together and our story's seems so too familiar.

    my email is and you can gchat me at graysonmiles. does that work for you?

    Do you have a blog?