denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Sunday, March 27, 2011

getting used to this. weird.

It's really fucked up that I am getting used to this feeling. Used to feeling alone and on an island. Used to knowing that the void I feel will be there for a while. I guess I am coming to terms with grieving. I didn't know it was possible, but plan to talk about it tomorrow in therapy.

I don't like this feeling. You cannot  compete with it or make it go away. So I guess you embrace it? I mean you have no choice.

I saw my new apartment today, which has me super excited about moving. What I am not excited for is the constant reminder that I don't have Scott around to help with certain things, like hooking up the PS3 or the wireless router. There are things I don't  know that I will be forced to learn. It's almost like I want to rebel against those things because that was HIS job,  not mine. Now it's mine.

I find myself talking to him at my apartment lately. Saying "where are you?" and other things. It's weird. I don't expect him to talk back or anything. If he did, um, that would freak me out. I  know he's gone.

I'm bored. Yet I don't know what to do. Nothing seems interesting. Maybe I've done too much this weekend with packing and cleaning. I feel that's all I do, but it's the homestretch. Part of me gets so mad that I am moving, because of WHY I am moving. It's all so fucked up, fucked up, fucked up!

No comments:

Post a Comment