denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Sunday, March 20, 2011

coming home.

One of the hardest things I face is coming home to an empty house. Whether I am at work, gym, running errands or out with friends, he will never be here again. I have his pictures and wear his shirts to bed, but nothing will ever bring him back. This is when I miss him. I miss him so much. I wish I could tell him about my dinner tonight at a restaurant we've never been to, but I can't. That is my reality.

He was always my listener. He provided so much for me that I miss and crave. Can someone else listen, yes, but it's not the same as Scott listening.

Sometimes it just hits you really hard. Right now is one of those times. I also know that I have to call the Medical Examiner tomorrow. It's been two weeks and I don't know if I'll get answers tomorrow or not. I am thankful that I have therapy tomorrow because it is always an emotional day. Knowing I am calling the person who will ultimately tell me how Scott died. All I ask for, is no suffering. I will not start mind games with myself until the cause of death is established, otherwise I would go bonkers.

This is an hour where I feel like shit. You just never know. It hits so hard. There are no warnings. Just pure sadness in the rawest form. The hole in my heart is still wide open because he's not here.

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