Today in IOP I "presented" a problem. It's the third part of the day and usually someone presents a problem and the group helps "solve the problem" through a series of events. Well today was my day. My therapist has been wanting me to present and so I finally did. I felt good today. I felt energized. I had a good night with two good friends. I could feel their love and support, which gave me strength that I could do this today.
I had an epic breakdown reliving Scott's death. I have flashbacks pretty bad lately and today it was so real, as I was explaining it. I could barely breathe, but everyone hung to my every word. I could tell there was pain in the eyes of everyone looking at me. Sometimes I feel like a loser for being so sad, but when I see the reaction I saw today, I know that it's okay to be where I am. To sit in the pain. And to not fight the pain.
Someone told me I was a remarkable person. Before even getting on with how the process works, he just had to tell me this. Someone who is so depressed himself, but could put everything aside and tell me I was remarkable. I loved it. It felt amazing. I had stopped believing. Another person told me they were so impressed I was still vertical. This was the worst year of my life and to expect it to get worse as I near Christmas and the anniversary of his death. That is what I presented. I was looking for new techniques and tools to get through this time. I got a LOT of solid advice and great alternatives to what I'm currently using for coping skills. I've done so much work this year on myself and am blessed, truly blessed to have had today.
I feel like they gave me strength that I couldn't give myself. Strength from people who I barely know, but love deeply because we share such a bond. I hope to continue these relationships because what we shared today will forever be in my heart. It was magical.
I don't want to disclose too much information because it's private as to who all I interact with and why people are there. So sorry this is a bit vague. It's hard to even explain the way I feel. I'm sad right now but happy at the same time. I'm okay being miserable right now. Because I know it's what I need. I know I'll be okay.
I love you Scott. I love you Tyler. I think you guys have given me strength in ways I cannot even describe. I will always miss you, but keep your memories close to my heart.
It was ironic that "The Reason" by Hoobastank came on today when I was headed home. It was one of my favorite songs that Scott would sing. He sang it so well, it was seriously beautiful...and when you listen to the lyrics, it's quite incredible what the message is saying..."I'm sorry that I hurt you, it's something I must live with everyday. And all the pain I put you through, I wish that I could take it all away...and be the one who catches all your tears, that's why I need you to hear..."
It's almost like he was talking to me. Saying he was sorry for dying. Sorry that I was in pain. He is the reason I am in pain, but he's also the reason that I will be stronger.
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
thanksgiving day
So it's Thanksgiving. It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving. It feels like just another weekend. It seems like we just had Thanksgiving, it's too soon to be here again. But it is.
I think my mind is trying to trick me. Tomorrow is the hard day. The day I made the decision that he needed to get to a hospital right away. He was too sick. Tomorrow is also my mom's birthday. So a day of cheer and a day of dread.
I'm so thankful that she understands how hard life is for me right now. It's hard for them too. Scott is normally a part of this day and her birthday. He's missing in their lives too, not just mine. We all miss him, that's for sure. I was wondering today if Jasper ever wonders where he is...
I will say that I tried two bites of mashed potatoes today. I made myself do it, although I didn't want to. My sister said she made a similar batch to my grandma's so I had to taste and judge for myself. They were close...but NOT QUITE there. haha. Sorry K. Love you :) Next year, we are going to have a mashed potato "smash off." My grandmother makes the best ones ever and we always try to replicate them...
I also started taking an antidepressant today. I was very against this idea, but I know I need it for a short period of time. Today wasn't a great day to start a new drug because the side effects caused me stomach issues and a loss of appetite...but my emotions have also been causing this, so hard to tell what caused what. Oh well. I'll give it time to see if it helps me function a bit better. I know I need something. Not forever, but for a while.
My psychiatrist said that maybe I was too strong during the months leading up until now and here's my time to break. It's common. It's natural. It's grief. I sort of had a delayed reaction emotionally. I hope he's right. I just want to get through it in one piece. Thank you so much to all of you for support and love. I need it. I just need to get better at accepting it and asking for it. One step and day at a time.
I think my mind is trying to trick me. Tomorrow is the hard day. The day I made the decision that he needed to get to a hospital right away. He was too sick. Tomorrow is also my mom's birthday. So a day of cheer and a day of dread.
I'm so thankful that she understands how hard life is for me right now. It's hard for them too. Scott is normally a part of this day and her birthday. He's missing in their lives too, not just mine. We all miss him, that's for sure. I was wondering today if Jasper ever wonders where he is...
I will say that I tried two bites of mashed potatoes today. I made myself do it, although I didn't want to. My sister said she made a similar batch to my grandma's so I had to taste and judge for myself. They were close...but NOT QUITE there. haha. Sorry K. Love you :) Next year, we are going to have a mashed potato "smash off." My grandmother makes the best ones ever and we always try to replicate them...
I also started taking an antidepressant today. I was very against this idea, but I know I need it for a short period of time. Today wasn't a great day to start a new drug because the side effects caused me stomach issues and a loss of appetite...but my emotions have also been causing this, so hard to tell what caused what. Oh well. I'll give it time to see if it helps me function a bit better. I know I need something. Not forever, but for a while.
My psychiatrist said that maybe I was too strong during the months leading up until now and here's my time to break. It's common. It's natural. It's grief. I sort of had a delayed reaction emotionally. I hope he's right. I just want to get through it in one piece. Thank you so much to all of you for support and love. I need it. I just need to get better at accepting it and asking for it. One step and day at a time.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
turmoil
Everyday I wake up, I'm shaken and scared again. Is this really happening? One year ago, I had no idea how much my life would change in one night.
Thanksgiving will stir a lot of emotion for me and my family. I rented a car last year because Scott was too sick to drive his car (stick shift requiring a lot of work in rush hour traffic). I remember walking behind him at all times to ensure he didn't fall over or get too light-headed. I forget where we stopped to eat on the way to MI. I hate that I forget details. I want to cherish them all so badly. On Thanksgiving, my mom, sister and I cooked. We ate later than usual. I remember Scott eating a little turkey with gravy and a lot of mashed potatoes. It was 8 or 8:30 and I needed to drive Chaz home. Scott wanted to come but he was starting to feel sick. On the way to take Chaz home and on the way back all I could think was "please don't get sick, please don't get sick." I immediately rushed to the bedroom to where he was laying down and of course, he had gotten sick. This was my life. I was devastated. I knew that whatever was happening to him over the past couple of months hadn't gotten better. I needed to take serious action.
I was on the phone with UofM's ER, both medical and psychiatric divisions, trying to understand what course of action I needed to take. I had had it. I wanted him well and isn't UofM one of the best hospitals? With the help of my family, they encouraged me that this was the right thing. I told Scott that I was taking him the next morning to UofM and he wasn't happy. He blamed the mashed potatoes for making him sick. We fought. I hate that we fought but said we'll see how he feels in the morning. He was so sick, all night and on the way to the hospital, clearly he wasn't getting better. It wasn't the damn mashed potatoes. He insisted everytime he ate them, he got sick. I still haven't eaten mashed potatoes, nor do I think I ever will.
I always think I should've fucking fought harder for him at the hospital. We should've known his heart was bad. Why did they miss that? Because he was only 36. Fuck 36, you can still have heart disease. A good doctor would know better, considering we were on the cardiac floor (constantly hooked up to a heart rate monitor) and he complained of some chest pain, had tachycardia (fast heart rate) and was diabetic. Like do a fucking stress test. Damn. What a mess. I get so mad thinking about it now.
It's hard to think about "what I'm thankful for" when I'm so sad. I'm thankful for those who have supported me throughout all of this. I won't name names, you know who you are. But I can't help being really mad at the same time. Mad that this is my life. Mad that I have to wake up and keep moving, just to survive. Mad that I have to live with a huge hole in my heart and cannot function the way I once did. That's grief. You cannot accomplish what you were once able to when it hurts this bad. Will the day come where I can, yes, but I'm not there.
I'm not ready for a lot of things thanks to this thing called turmoil.
Thanksgiving will stir a lot of emotion for me and my family. I rented a car last year because Scott was too sick to drive his car (stick shift requiring a lot of work in rush hour traffic). I remember walking behind him at all times to ensure he didn't fall over or get too light-headed. I forget where we stopped to eat on the way to MI. I hate that I forget details. I want to cherish them all so badly. On Thanksgiving, my mom, sister and I cooked. We ate later than usual. I remember Scott eating a little turkey with gravy and a lot of mashed potatoes. It was 8 or 8:30 and I needed to drive Chaz home. Scott wanted to come but he was starting to feel sick. On the way to take Chaz home and on the way back all I could think was "please don't get sick, please don't get sick." I immediately rushed to the bedroom to where he was laying down and of course, he had gotten sick. This was my life. I was devastated. I knew that whatever was happening to him over the past couple of months hadn't gotten better. I needed to take serious action.
I was on the phone with UofM's ER, both medical and psychiatric divisions, trying to understand what course of action I needed to take. I had had it. I wanted him well and isn't UofM one of the best hospitals? With the help of my family, they encouraged me that this was the right thing. I told Scott that I was taking him the next morning to UofM and he wasn't happy. He blamed the mashed potatoes for making him sick. We fought. I hate that we fought but said we'll see how he feels in the morning. He was so sick, all night and on the way to the hospital, clearly he wasn't getting better. It wasn't the damn mashed potatoes. He insisted everytime he ate them, he got sick. I still haven't eaten mashed potatoes, nor do I think I ever will.
I always think I should've fucking fought harder for him at the hospital. We should've known his heart was bad. Why did they miss that? Because he was only 36. Fuck 36, you can still have heart disease. A good doctor would know better, considering we were on the cardiac floor (constantly hooked up to a heart rate monitor) and he complained of some chest pain, had tachycardia (fast heart rate) and was diabetic. Like do a fucking stress test. Damn. What a mess. I get so mad thinking about it now.
It's hard to think about "what I'm thankful for" when I'm so sad. I'm thankful for those who have supported me throughout all of this. I won't name names, you know who you are. But I can't help being really mad at the same time. Mad that this is my life. Mad that I have to wake up and keep moving, just to survive. Mad that I have to live with a huge hole in my heart and cannot function the way I once did. That's grief. You cannot accomplish what you were once able to when it hurts this bad. Will the day come where I can, yes, but I'm not there.
I'm not ready for a lot of things thanks to this thing called turmoil.
Friday, September 30, 2011
missing him
I've been in an intense emotional roller coaster since 9/11. Hence the hiatus from my blog. Sometimes the feelings are too personal and private to share.
I know the dates that are approaching are looming over my head. Whether I am thinking of them or not, they are coming. I cannot fast forward time, or I would've done that already. I have to face what is in front of me. I feel like I'm hurting people close to me because I'm pulling away, but this is how I know how to react to emotional pain. I want to be alone. I want to hide the pain so that no one can see how deeply it hurts. I don't reach out. I don't want to let on the pain I feel everyday. The loneliness. The incredible pain associated with missing Scott. And wondering how this is all really happening.
While I know this is my life, I sometimes cannot believe it's real. He's really gone. We are really not getting married. I will never wear that perfect dress I picked out for our day. He will never see me walk down the aisle. I wanted it all so badly. He was my best friend. He was my world. I hate knowing I can never confide in him again.
I am in this "phase" of my grief process where I am trying to hold on tight to whatever I have of Scott. It's all that seems normal as we near what would have been our wedding date (11/5/11). And all the dates thereafter. Thanksgiving. Hospital. Getting out. Christmas. Coming back to Chicago. Doctor appointments. Going back to work (me). Death. We weren't back two weeks and he was gone. GONE. I remember it so vividly. It used to feel so long ago, but now it feels like yesterday. That's how bad the pain is again.
I often hate blogging because when I write, I'm in pain. The pain is still there. When will it end? Will it ever end? Is there ever a day when I will get past this? I know the answer is yes, but some days it seems so far away. My life cannot be normal until I can let go of him. I cannot do that yet. I oftentimes try to pack up more of his stuff that I have and I simply can't. I don't want to erase him and I feel that by getting rid of some of the stupid things I have, will mean he's gone. I'm not there yet. I cannot say goodbye.
Sometimes I don't know if it's me that doesn't know how to ask for what I need or if grief doesn't allow you to know. I never truly know what I need. All I know is that I have to feel the pain, as awful as it is.
I know the dates that are approaching are looming over my head. Whether I am thinking of them or not, they are coming. I cannot fast forward time, or I would've done that already. I have to face what is in front of me. I feel like I'm hurting people close to me because I'm pulling away, but this is how I know how to react to emotional pain. I want to be alone. I want to hide the pain so that no one can see how deeply it hurts. I don't reach out. I don't want to let on the pain I feel everyday. The loneliness. The incredible pain associated with missing Scott. And wondering how this is all really happening.
While I know this is my life, I sometimes cannot believe it's real. He's really gone. We are really not getting married. I will never wear that perfect dress I picked out for our day. He will never see me walk down the aisle. I wanted it all so badly. He was my best friend. He was my world. I hate knowing I can never confide in him again.
I am in this "phase" of my grief process where I am trying to hold on tight to whatever I have of Scott. It's all that seems normal as we near what would have been our wedding date (11/5/11). And all the dates thereafter. Thanksgiving. Hospital. Getting out. Christmas. Coming back to Chicago. Doctor appointments. Going back to work (me). Death. We weren't back two weeks and he was gone. GONE. I remember it so vividly. It used to feel so long ago, but now it feels like yesterday. That's how bad the pain is again.
I often hate blogging because when I write, I'm in pain. The pain is still there. When will it end? Will it ever end? Is there ever a day when I will get past this? I know the answer is yes, but some days it seems so far away. My life cannot be normal until I can let go of him. I cannot do that yet. I oftentimes try to pack up more of his stuff that I have and I simply can't. I don't want to erase him and I feel that by getting rid of some of the stupid things I have, will mean he's gone. I'm not there yet. I cannot say goodbye.
Sometimes I don't know if it's me that doesn't know how to ask for what I need or if grief doesn't allow you to know. I never truly know what I need. All I know is that I have to feel the pain, as awful as it is.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
i'm not okay...i am okay...i'm not okay...
I need to be open about my latest wave of grief. About two weeks ago in therapy, I discovered that I have a LOT of self blame. This feeling initially happened after I learned HOW Scott died and I thought I got over it, but yet I didn't. In my subconscious, I feel that I could have done more.
And I will tell you that I KNOW I did everything I could to save him, I was fighting with all my heart and that it wasn't my fault, however I cannot neglect these genuine feelings that I have, as irrational as they might be. It's all part of the process so bare with me.
I cannot focus on "it wasn't your fault Grayson." I have to focus what I feel today and that is that I blame myself and have a lot of guilt about his death. It is affecting every aspect of my life. It's holding me back from being happy to my core and happy about life and happy to be where I am. I have not let go of Scott as I feel I failed him. If you feel you fail someone, it's almost like it hurts so bad that I don't deserve to feel happy. It's a tough emotion to discuss to be honest.
There is no magical answer as to "when" this feeling will pass. I need to write. I need to feel. I need to hit a fucking low, which I'm in. I'm allowing myself an open mind to think really bad things, because I think it will help me. If you say sorry enough, maybe that will help. You just have to fucking sit with the guilt and the pain for it to ease. And as they say, time does help grief. I HATE that saying. It annoys me. I don't want time. I want to snap my fingers and be myself. That won't happen. I'm learning about myself and I'm allowing myself to feel what I need to feel and that is that I blame me.
I feel like I let him down. His son, his family. I let myself down. I wanted to save him, but maybe he didn't want to be saved. I fought as if I were sick, when I wasn't. I was so consumed by him. He was my addiction and now I'll never get my fix. My fix has to come in other ways and they have to be for ME, not through someone else, as co-dependent as I am (another fun thing to work on once this passes!!).
My sister told me last weekend how proud of me she was because I was so self-aware. I've never been this self-aware in my life. I've always neglected myself and helped others. Scott's death has forced me to examine my own life, which adds another layer of pain to the grief. It felt good to hear she was proud of me though. My sister and I have an amazing relationship and she's the one person I know will understand my pain. She gets it. She listens. She knows it fucking sucks. Without her, I"m not sure how this journey would've played out. I love you K.
She also sent me an image of a magnet she saw. It says "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." I need to fix myself in order to create myself because for the first time in probably 15 years, I am me. Not Grayson, me.
And I will tell you that I KNOW I did everything I could to save him, I was fighting with all my heart and that it wasn't my fault, however I cannot neglect these genuine feelings that I have, as irrational as they might be. It's all part of the process so bare with me.
I cannot focus on "it wasn't your fault Grayson." I have to focus what I feel today and that is that I blame myself and have a lot of guilt about his death. It is affecting every aspect of my life. It's holding me back from being happy to my core and happy about life and happy to be where I am. I have not let go of Scott as I feel I failed him. If you feel you fail someone, it's almost like it hurts so bad that I don't deserve to feel happy. It's a tough emotion to discuss to be honest.
There is no magical answer as to "when" this feeling will pass. I need to write. I need to feel. I need to hit a fucking low, which I'm in. I'm allowing myself an open mind to think really bad things, because I think it will help me. If you say sorry enough, maybe that will help. You just have to fucking sit with the guilt and the pain for it to ease. And as they say, time does help grief. I HATE that saying. It annoys me. I don't want time. I want to snap my fingers and be myself. That won't happen. I'm learning about myself and I'm allowing myself to feel what I need to feel and that is that I blame me.
I feel like I let him down. His son, his family. I let myself down. I wanted to save him, but maybe he didn't want to be saved. I fought as if I were sick, when I wasn't. I was so consumed by him. He was my addiction and now I'll never get my fix. My fix has to come in other ways and they have to be for ME, not through someone else, as co-dependent as I am (another fun thing to work on once this passes!!).
My sister told me last weekend how proud of me she was because I was so self-aware. I've never been this self-aware in my life. I've always neglected myself and helped others. Scott's death has forced me to examine my own life, which adds another layer of pain to the grief. It felt good to hear she was proud of me though. My sister and I have an amazing relationship and she's the one person I know will understand my pain. She gets it. She listens. She knows it fucking sucks. Without her, I"m not sure how this journey would've played out. I love you K.
She also sent me an image of a magnet she saw. It says "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." I need to fix myself in order to create myself because for the first time in probably 15 years, I am me. Not Grayson, me.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
7-10-11
Today is your birthday. Although it's not really a day to celebrate for me. What becomes of your birthday? I think in time I will be able to think of this day as a celebratory day...but today it's not. Today is a day when we should've been in LA. Should have been reliving our engagement a year ago...today. Today is a weird day.
I'm in Chicago, surrounded by love, but you're not here. Maybe you're with me and I don't even know it. Maybe you're not.
I am going to Bahai temple today to grieve. I've never heard of this place, however I hear it's beautiful and very spiritual. It's a place where I want to remember your life and remember how you loved me and tell myself that you're exactly where you need to be.
I don't even know if I can say happy birthday, as I cannot celebrate your birth because your death is still too fresh. Six months today. At this time 6 months ago you were pronounced DOA. A day that I will never forget, but a day that has forever changed my life, as you know.
RIP Pumpkin. You're always on my mind, especially today.
(I will write more later. I know I will be hit with a lot of emotion and sadness when I'm at the temple...)
I'm in Chicago, surrounded by love, but you're not here. Maybe you're with me and I don't even know it. Maybe you're not.
I am going to Bahai temple today to grieve. I've never heard of this place, however I hear it's beautiful and very spiritual. It's a place where I want to remember your life and remember how you loved me and tell myself that you're exactly where you need to be.
I don't even know if I can say happy birthday, as I cannot celebrate your birth because your death is still too fresh. Six months today. At this time 6 months ago you were pronounced DOA. A day that I will never forget, but a day that has forever changed my life, as you know.
RIP Pumpkin. You're always on my mind, especially today.
(I will write more later. I know I will be hit with a lot of emotion and sadness when I'm at the temple...)
Saturday, July 9, 2011
a year ago today...
Well, the day is here (sort of). One year ago today, I was flying to LA, for what I thought was just another annual trip, although deep down, I had hoped the ring was coming.
I've been up since 3:30am today. Maybe because we took the early flight a year ago, maybe because a lot of things. I'm sad. I wish I could say goodbye. I should be in LA right now.
Tomorrow is the official date in which we got engaged and his birthday, but today is Saturday and we left on Saturday last year.
I've been trying to fill a void all week. It cannot be filled. The void is Scott. The void hurts. Looking for an itch and not being able to scratch it 24 hours a day. I try to run, layout, read, etc. and nothing works. I want to smoke. That won't work. Nothing will work. I'm missing him in a new way now. I'm missing him because I know he's gone and won't come back. Before when I missed Scott, I was aching for him to hold me, kiss me, touch me, and I thought he would come back because I was in denial. Now I know. Now my reality is he's dead. I've accepted that.
My therapist pointed out when I said "I'm so low and depressed" that I'm not depressed and I haven't reached a new low. I'm grieving and the low feels so low because the feelings are so strong because this is my reality now. I know he's gone. Whereas before, I didn't know what to feel. It was such a tragedy, such a fucking loss and blow to my heart. I know everything now so when Monday night I couldn't breathe or stop crying, that was because the feelings were so fucking strong they were pretty much knocking me out.
This is no joke. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be done with it all. Fuck no it doesn't work that way. I sometimes feel like I'm dwelling, I'm not. I'm grieving. I've accepted that. I often wonder if others around me understand that. More on that later.
So here we are, the weekend when I thought my life was changing for the better. Yet 6 months ago, my life fell apart. I've put pieces in place for a new life, but my new life isn't on full throttle or cruise control yet. It's still a walking disaster sometimes. Life is hard. While I'm so thankful of what I have in my life, meaning Brian and my wonderful friends and family, I hate to know what I had to go through to get here. Someday, I know I will see all the good that comes from grieving, whereas now I only see snippets and it's even harder to see when you're sad.
I need to live in the now because when I don't, I think too much about "what I should be doing" or "is this right" or "is that wrong...." It's a slippery slope and I'm so fucking ready for it to be normal, however my normal might not ever be so normal.
More to come as the feelings come this weekend. I wasn't expecting to feel the sadness today, I just cannot help but think of Scott and I heading in a cab to LA, then him proposing and my mom walking around the corner for the ultimate surprise. He knew me well and loved me deeply. That is what I miss the most.
I've been up since 3:30am today. Maybe because we took the early flight a year ago, maybe because a lot of things. I'm sad. I wish I could say goodbye. I should be in LA right now.
Tomorrow is the official date in which we got engaged and his birthday, but today is Saturday and we left on Saturday last year.
I've been trying to fill a void all week. It cannot be filled. The void is Scott. The void hurts. Looking for an itch and not being able to scratch it 24 hours a day. I try to run, layout, read, etc. and nothing works. I want to smoke. That won't work. Nothing will work. I'm missing him in a new way now. I'm missing him because I know he's gone and won't come back. Before when I missed Scott, I was aching for him to hold me, kiss me, touch me, and I thought he would come back because I was in denial. Now I know. Now my reality is he's dead. I've accepted that.
My therapist pointed out when I said "I'm so low and depressed" that I'm not depressed and I haven't reached a new low. I'm grieving and the low feels so low because the feelings are so strong because this is my reality now. I know he's gone. Whereas before, I didn't know what to feel. It was such a tragedy, such a fucking loss and blow to my heart. I know everything now so when Monday night I couldn't breathe or stop crying, that was because the feelings were so fucking strong they were pretty much knocking me out.
This is no joke. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be done with it all. Fuck no it doesn't work that way. I sometimes feel like I'm dwelling, I'm not. I'm grieving. I've accepted that. I often wonder if others around me understand that. More on that later.
So here we are, the weekend when I thought my life was changing for the better. Yet 6 months ago, my life fell apart. I've put pieces in place for a new life, but my new life isn't on full throttle or cruise control yet. It's still a walking disaster sometimes. Life is hard. While I'm so thankful of what I have in my life, meaning Brian and my wonderful friends and family, I hate to know what I had to go through to get here. Someday, I know I will see all the good that comes from grieving, whereas now I only see snippets and it's even harder to see when you're sad.
I need to live in the now because when I don't, I think too much about "what I should be doing" or "is this right" or "is that wrong...." It's a slippery slope and I'm so fucking ready for it to be normal, however my normal might not ever be so normal.
More to come as the feelings come this weekend. I wasn't expecting to feel the sadness today, I just cannot help but think of Scott and I heading in a cab to LA, then him proposing and my mom walking around the corner for the ultimate surprise. He knew me well and loved me deeply. That is what I miss the most.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
a new low, 6 month approaches...
The six month anniversary of Scott's death is on Saturday. A year ago on Saturday, I was flying to LA, getting engaged and celebrating his birthday. The day is jam-packed with memories and now, it holds even more. The most crude memory I could ever ask for on a day that was one of the best days of my life. I will cherish that day forever, but it will also cause me so much pain as the pain is almost unbearable now.
This feeling has been brewing since my birthday and Father's Day. The end of June through July 10th. I knew this time would be hard, but I didn't realize how hard it would hit me. I literally feel as though Scott died today. Just hearing the news. I am shocked. I don't know what I need. I don't know what to do. I know I need to take care of me, but what the fuck does that mean when the pain hurts so bad? If someone could answer that, I swear you would be known as a "God" among grievers.
Last night I was getting nail polish out of a cabinet and stumbled across a pair of Scott's glasses. So I opened them and notice smudges on the glasses. I could see a smudge where my nose had hit the glasses, from kissing him. There was some normal debris from wearing glasses along the nose area and it was HIS debris. His skin. Him. It hurts so bad. How was he taken away so quickly? I don't understand how the pain can come back so strongly again. It feels so raw and so fresh. I thought the last six months I had healed some. It sure as fuck doesn't feel like that today. Is this only a quick, temporary lapse in time? It hurts so bad, straight to my core. I'm a walking zombie today.
I tried to go to work, however that was dumb considering I could barely open my eyes they were so swollen from tears. I sit down at work, type a few emails and then the tears are uncontrollable. I came home and tried to sleep some of the sadness away, however I woke up and it's still there. This is a pain that will not go away. You cannot snap your fingers or distract yourself. Nothing will take the pain away. You just have to sit in it and hope to whoever (not God in my case) you're strong enough to get through. It holds you captive. It doesn't let go as much as you want to push it off. It won't budge. I imagine it to be like wanting to run away from someone trying to stab you, however you can't move and you're just forced to take all the stabs...however I'm thinking that might eventually feel numb. This feeling doesn't feel numb. I feel numb to those around me, however the feeling is there again.
I feel like I'm in the black hole that I worked so hard to get out of. I feel so confused by life and the path that I'm on. I honestly feel lost and so alone, yet again. I don't understand this. I don't understand why it has to be this way.
I wish he would show me a sign. Show me a sign that he is okay. He is in a better place. I feel like I need him to tell me that he's okay. I don't feel I can keep moving on sometimes until I know that he is. I know this won't happen. I know I have to be the one to move on. He isn't here to tell me that it's okay. I have to make it okay. That was my relationship with him, always making sure he was okay and now I can't do that. I wish someone could tell me it will be okay. They can, but how do you believe what you can't feel yourself?
Here it is again. Slapped in the face with the most unbearable pain.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
a sad day review
Today was really hard, obviously. The funeral was at a church so different than a funeral home. Different meaning, it was unknown to me the "process" of how it all worked. The family stayed off in a room while friends gathered in the church. The chorus began singing and the family was escorted to the front of the church. All eyes starring. It was very sad. I was sobbing the entire time. I didn't like being the center of the stage for all people to see. Wasn't I supposed to be walking down a wedding aisle?
Tyler's two girl friends sang a Jimmy Eat World song called "Hear You Me." It is one of my favorite songs and it reminded me a lot of Scott since he was a Jimmy Eat World fan as well. I had an epic breakdown because it was sang acoustic style and Katy sang it beautifully. I will cherish that song even more now.
We spent the day in Fort Worth at my stepsisters house with the Ellwood family. It was nice, but I needed to be alone for a bit. We came back to the hotel and I immediately went to the pool. I needed it. I still need it. I need a major decompression. I'm so sick of feeling sad. I'm sick of the stress it's causing me. It's making it hard for me to think rationally and I get bent out of shape over the smallest of things. My anxiety is at an all time high. I hope that I stabilize a bit when I get home to Chicago. I need to relax...somehow. I think there is pooltime in my near future for sure.
After the pool, we got my brother and went to dinner. It was so nice. It was nice to see him smile and be the typical witty Charles that I love so much. I'm so thankful that I was able to spend a lot of time with him. He's such a special soul. I worry about him deeply. How can I not? I want to make sure he's okay every single day!
Now, as I am sitting in the hotel writing, my anxiety is high. I hated saying goodbye to my brother and saying goodbye forever to my other brother. I had a moment on the elevator where I felt like the walls were closing in on me. It was a weird physical experience. I am at an emotional breaking point. I think I've had all I can take. Life cannot give me more. This is it for a while. My plate is completely full.
I hate knowing I'll never see him again. I wish I could sit him down one more time. I wish I could hear him laugh one more time. I said the same things about Scott. Cherish every moment you have with those you love. Honestly. I need to take my own advice too. Once my stress levels return to normal, I will be able to do this. Right now, I'm too fucking heightened by life.
Can't deal!
Tyler's two girl friends sang a Jimmy Eat World song called "Hear You Me." It is one of my favorite songs and it reminded me a lot of Scott since he was a Jimmy Eat World fan as well. I had an epic breakdown because it was sang acoustic style and Katy sang it beautifully. I will cherish that song even more now.
We spent the day in Fort Worth at my stepsisters house with the Ellwood family. It was nice, but I needed to be alone for a bit. We came back to the hotel and I immediately went to the pool. I needed it. I still need it. I need a major decompression. I'm so sick of feeling sad. I'm sick of the stress it's causing me. It's making it hard for me to think rationally and I get bent out of shape over the smallest of things. My anxiety is at an all time high. I hope that I stabilize a bit when I get home to Chicago. I need to relax...somehow. I think there is pooltime in my near future for sure.
After the pool, we got my brother and went to dinner. It was so nice. It was nice to see him smile and be the typical witty Charles that I love so much. I'm so thankful that I was able to spend a lot of time with him. He's such a special soul. I worry about him deeply. How can I not? I want to make sure he's okay every single day!
Now, as I am sitting in the hotel writing, my anxiety is high. I hated saying goodbye to my brother and saying goodbye forever to my other brother. I had a moment on the elevator where I felt like the walls were closing in on me. It was a weird physical experience. I am at an emotional breaking point. I think I've had all I can take. Life cannot give me more. This is it for a while. My plate is completely full.
I hate knowing I'll never see him again. I wish I could sit him down one more time. I wish I could hear him laugh one more time. I said the same things about Scott. Cherish every moment you have with those you love. Honestly. I need to take my own advice too. Once my stress levels return to normal, I will be able to do this. Right now, I'm too fucking heightened by life.
Can't deal!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
strength & sadness
I do not know where I find the strength to stand sometimes. I don't want my strength to be tested any further. I get it, I'm strong. I'm sick of it. I want to fall apart, but it's almost like I don't know how. Where some people cannot find strength to carry-on, I do not feel as though I can find weakness.
The weakness is making me stronger. The pain is making me stronger. I am really struggling, but somehow managing to move forward.
I fear what the weekend brings. I fear what will happen to me emotionally knowing I'm at a funeral. What feelings will resurface? This will truly be a test in my opinion of how far I've come. I know how low the lows can be. I never want to go back there. I cannot avoid it if it happens, but I will do all that I can to stay away from that. I have to remember and feel the strength of how far I've come. Grieving is an intense fucking process that has no rules. It's almost like your mind makes the rules for you as you go. It's hard to explain.
Life has a completely new perspective for me. When Scott died, it opened my eyes to many things, now they are really wide open. However, I am having a better time managing my frustration by knowing that not everyone has the same perspective on life as I do.
I am so sad today. Really down, but still moving. Not knowing what I need, except time I guess.
The weakness is making me stronger. The pain is making me stronger. I am really struggling, but somehow managing to move forward.
I fear what the weekend brings. I fear what will happen to me emotionally knowing I'm at a funeral. What feelings will resurface? This will truly be a test in my opinion of how far I've come. I know how low the lows can be. I never want to go back there. I cannot avoid it if it happens, but I will do all that I can to stay away from that. I have to remember and feel the strength of how far I've come. Grieving is an intense fucking process that has no rules. It's almost like your mind makes the rules for you as you go. It's hard to explain.
Life has a completely new perspective for me. When Scott died, it opened my eyes to many things, now they are really wide open. However, I am having a better time managing my frustration by knowing that not everyone has the same perspective on life as I do.
I am so sad today. Really down, but still moving. Not knowing what I need, except time I guess.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
carrying the weight of the world...
Today was a tough one.
While I prepared myself as best as I could to be "ready" to know the answer to Scott's death, you can never fully be ready to hear what I heard today. "Accidental" death. To me, this means it could've been avoided. That word is so harsh and sounds like an oxy-moron. It's so...preventable to me. Not that I can change anything and firmly believe that things happen for a reason, however, I am mostly pissed off at medical staff for overlooking this potential problem. I will put this into teaching others somehow. I don't know what that will look like yet, but I will do my best to save lives. Even if it's one person. Doctors and family members need to understand how dangerous heart disease and medications can be...especially if they are NOT looking at the overall health of the person, and only focusing on "their discipline." i.e. heart, stomach, mental, etc. PAINT THE FULL PICTURE ASSHOLES!!!!
Today has been heavy. My mind is racing. It's telling me things that I don't want to listen to, like "you could've stopped this, you could've been more careful, you could've prevented this. If only"...however...
I KNOW that I could not have saved him. I KNOW I did all I could for him. However, the thoughts are still there. My thoughts are getting more rational as the day progresses, so I will take that as a good sign. I know he's not coming back. I know that he's where he's supposed to be. He's actually where he wants to be. Unfortunately, that's not what anyone wants to hear, but believe me when I say, he's okay with it.
It doesn't make the pain any less for those who loved him. And that I did. Very much. I have a big heart and it loves so unconditionally. I think he showed me how much I can love, which I am very thankful for. I wanted to be his everything, and I think I was. Actually, I know I was. While I could not save him, I have to have faith that I was in his life for a reason and purpose. I know he was brought into my life for many reasons. One of the many is, I have wonderful friends who I met through Scott. I thank my lucky stars everyday for those who are in my life because of him. He was great at reading people and only kept people in his life who were genuinely amazing, now these people are in my life forever.
I've truly accepted the fact that he's gone. I hope to find closure from the information I learned today. I still have a million questions running through my head. I have to be okay with the fact that I will never have all the answers. I have to be okay with the fact that I cannot ask him how he died. That would be way too easy. His heart stopped. I'll take that as a sign he didn't struggle and it was quick. I would hate for him to suffer and now I am pretty confident that he didn't. Amen for that.
While I prepared myself as best as I could to be "ready" to know the answer to Scott's death, you can never fully be ready to hear what I heard today. "Accidental" death. To me, this means it could've been avoided. That word is so harsh and sounds like an oxy-moron. It's so...preventable to me. Not that I can change anything and firmly believe that things happen for a reason, however, I am mostly pissed off at medical staff for overlooking this potential problem. I will put this into teaching others somehow. I don't know what that will look like yet, but I will do my best to save lives. Even if it's one person. Doctors and family members need to understand how dangerous heart disease and medications can be...especially if they are NOT looking at the overall health of the person, and only focusing on "their discipline." i.e. heart, stomach, mental, etc. PAINT THE FULL PICTURE ASSHOLES!!!!
Today has been heavy. My mind is racing. It's telling me things that I don't want to listen to, like "you could've stopped this, you could've been more careful, you could've prevented this. If only"...however...
I KNOW that I could not have saved him. I KNOW I did all I could for him. However, the thoughts are still there. My thoughts are getting more rational as the day progresses, so I will take that as a good sign. I know he's not coming back. I know that he's where he's supposed to be. He's actually where he wants to be. Unfortunately, that's not what anyone wants to hear, but believe me when I say, he's okay with it.
It doesn't make the pain any less for those who loved him. And that I did. Very much. I have a big heart and it loves so unconditionally. I think he showed me how much I can love, which I am very thankful for. I wanted to be his everything, and I think I was. Actually, I know I was. While I could not save him, I have to have faith that I was in his life for a reason and purpose. I know he was brought into my life for many reasons. One of the many is, I have wonderful friends who I met through Scott. I thank my lucky stars everyday for those who are in my life because of him. He was great at reading people and only kept people in his life who were genuinely amazing, now these people are in my life forever.
I've truly accepted the fact that he's gone. I hope to find closure from the information I learned today. I still have a million questions running through my head. I have to be okay with the fact that I will never have all the answers. I have to be okay with the fact that I cannot ask him how he died. That would be way too easy. His heart stopped. I'll take that as a sign he didn't struggle and it was quick. I would hate for him to suffer and now I am pretty confident that he didn't. Amen for that.
Monday, April 18, 2011
WARNING: This is an INTENSE post. Swearing, honest, raw emotion.
EDIT: Nothing happened to make me write this. There is not one situation where I needed to type this. It's just part of the process that I am going through. Yes, I am angry, but they are internal struggles. No one has upset me. :)
Well the baseball bat has hit me again. And fucking when it hits, it hits so hard. Since I was having so many good days consistently, this was bound to happen. It's inevitable. It's good and it's bad. It's good because I know that I am still grieving. I'm not "over it" and when the sadness hits, I MUST deal with it in order to get better. I sometimes wish I didn't have to, but I do. It's bad because you're on this great path of self-discovery and happiness, then all of a sudden you're hit with intense sadness. I miss Scott everyday, however there are days where I do feel happy on the path I'm on. Good will come of Scott's passing. Good comes from tragedy. Do I wish it were different, hell yeah, but it's not. This is my reality.
I did not feel happy last night. I felt all the guilt of the days leading up to yesterday where I was happy. I know I fucking deserve happiness. Everyone in my life should feel the same way. Everyone said "Scott would want you to be happy." I never really understood that. I didn't know what he would want. We never talked about life after one of us died. How do you know? How am I supposed to know? I do know now. And quite frankly, it doesn't matter. It's my life now. He's not here with me. He cannot make decisions with me or be a part of that anymore. It's just me.
I have a fear of people judging me as I do move on this path of GRAYSON'S LIFE. Moving on meaning dating (yes, I am ready!), going out, smiling, really laughing from my heart again. Feeling good. Feeling like things happen for a reason. Here's what I have to say, NO ONE knows what I have been through. NO ONE. Not even my family. No one was here every single fucking day living my life while Scott was alive and sick. NO ONE knows what my relationship with Scott was like when he wasn't sick. NO ONE. No one knows what I am learning every single day about myself and what I need to be healthy again. No one is inside my head to feel what I feel. The only person who does is me. What I ask of people is that they trust me. Trust me to know that I will make my own decisions. If I fail, I will learn. If I succeed, I will continue to improve. I will not be fucking perfect. Neither is anyone else. There isn't a step by step guide telling me what to do. Not all grievers are the same. You follow your heart and trust that your heart will lead you down the path you need to be on. That's what I am doing and want people to respect that. This is where I will also help other grievers someday. When compassion and living outweighs the grief, you are on the path to move on. It's not a science. It's all based on emotion. No one will have the same time table after a tragic loss. NO ONE.
Here's what I fear the most. "It's only been 4 months since he passed, how can she move on?" Here's my answer. "Fuck you." It feels like it's been years to me. I was not functioning for 2 months after he passed. Literally not functioning. I was grieving before he even died. I will not go into detail, but this is NOT something I want to hear from anyone (read above another time if needed. lol.). I understand people being protective, without a doubt. I am protective. I will be protective of my heart. Know that I am taking care of that.
There is a second fear, but I will not disclose that yet. It's private. It's personal. The time will come when I am ready.
I apologize if anyone was offended reading this. However, it's my blog. It's my thoughts. It's my path. Yes that is a bit harsh, but welcome to my world of grieving.
Well the baseball bat has hit me again. And fucking when it hits, it hits so hard. Since I was having so many good days consistently, this was bound to happen. It's inevitable. It's good and it's bad. It's good because I know that I am still grieving. I'm not "over it" and when the sadness hits, I MUST deal with it in order to get better. I sometimes wish I didn't have to, but I do. It's bad because you're on this great path of self-discovery and happiness, then all of a sudden you're hit with intense sadness. I miss Scott everyday, however there are days where I do feel happy on the path I'm on. Good will come of Scott's passing. Good comes from tragedy. Do I wish it were different, hell yeah, but it's not. This is my reality.
I did not feel happy last night. I felt all the guilt of the days leading up to yesterday where I was happy. I know I fucking deserve happiness. Everyone in my life should feel the same way. Everyone said "Scott would want you to be happy." I never really understood that. I didn't know what he would want. We never talked about life after one of us died. How do you know? How am I supposed to know? I do know now. And quite frankly, it doesn't matter. It's my life now. He's not here with me. He cannot make decisions with me or be a part of that anymore. It's just me.
I have a fear of people judging me as I do move on this path of GRAYSON'S LIFE. Moving on meaning dating (yes, I am ready!), going out, smiling, really laughing from my heart again. Feeling good. Feeling like things happen for a reason. Here's what I have to say, NO ONE knows what I have been through. NO ONE. Not even my family. No one was here every single fucking day living my life while Scott was alive and sick. NO ONE knows what my relationship with Scott was like when he wasn't sick. NO ONE. No one knows what I am learning every single day about myself and what I need to be healthy again. No one is inside my head to feel what I feel. The only person who does is me. What I ask of people is that they trust me. Trust me to know that I will make my own decisions. If I fail, I will learn. If I succeed, I will continue to improve. I will not be fucking perfect. Neither is anyone else. There isn't a step by step guide telling me what to do. Not all grievers are the same. You follow your heart and trust that your heart will lead you down the path you need to be on. That's what I am doing and want people to respect that. This is where I will also help other grievers someday. When compassion and living outweighs the grief, you are on the path to move on. It's not a science. It's all based on emotion. No one will have the same time table after a tragic loss. NO ONE.
Here's what I fear the most. "It's only been 4 months since he passed, how can she move on?" Here's my answer. "Fuck you." It feels like it's been years to me. I was not functioning for 2 months after he passed. Literally not functioning. I was grieving before he even died. I will not go into detail, but this is NOT something I want to hear from anyone (read above another time if needed. lol.). I understand people being protective, without a doubt. I am protective. I will be protective of my heart. Know that I am taking care of that.
There is a second fear, but I will not disclose that yet. It's private. It's personal. The time will come when I am ready.
I apologize if anyone was offended reading this. However, it's my blog. It's my thoughts. It's my path. Yes that is a bit harsh, but welcome to my world of grieving.
Monday, April 11, 2011
a really hard post....
Here I am, it's 1:15am and I cannot sleep. I have a lot on my mind, as usual.
I am in a better place emotionally, although as I'm typing this I am sobbing uncontrollably. I am ready to move on with my life. Grayson's life. This does not mean I am moving on "from Scott." This means that I am ready to embrace whatever life throws at me. I have learned so fucking much about myself over the last couple of months. I am very proud of what I've learned and how I will incorporate that into my daily life...forever.
Scott was in my life for a reason. He was in my life for a short amount of time compared to the average life span of a person but what's important is that now I know why he was in my life. He showed me love, he showed me my self-worth, he made me non-selfish, he helped turn me from a drunk to someone who cared deeply about others and he simply loved me for me. That is important. I have this to cherish.
Did we have the healthiest relationship? No. I don't know if anyone does, but I know I will take what I've learned and apply it to all my relationships. That is the piece of him that will live with me forever. I am forever changed. While I hate that Scott's not here to talk to him about everything, I've said it before that he's where he wanted to be and now maybe I am starting to get where I should be going. It's so hard to say, but it's the truth. I promised myself as hard as some things are to say out loud, I would always be honest with myself and people reading this blog.
It's okay for me to feel this way. I do not feel guilty for wanting to move forward with my life. I used to, but not anymore. I am accepting what life has given me and making something of it. I am not the type of person who will sit in a room by myself and have Scott consume my every thought. I would never get better. I would never heal. I did not die the day he died. I am alive. I am living and I want to be here. I want to be happy. I think I deserve that. I think that Scott would want that. I hope everyone in my life wants that for me and if they don't, they can get out of my life. It's as simple as that.
This process truly allows you to see who your friends are and who they aren't. I love my friends. I don't need to name names, but I hope you're reading this and smiling. As hard as it was for me to post, it might be hard for you to read, however know that what I'm feeling is real. I am not healed, I will still have low days, but the good is outweighing the bad, which hasn't happened for a very long time.
I will not spend each day worrying about what I should or shouldn't be doing because I often times put too much pressure on myself. I will simply live my life and take it one day at a time. That's where I am now and it feels good to know how far I've come. I can visibly see the light in the tunnel and it gets closer and closer every day. Closer to what, I don't know...do you come out of the tunnel, I don't know, but I guess we shall see.
I am in a better place emotionally, although as I'm typing this I am sobbing uncontrollably. I am ready to move on with my life. Grayson's life. This does not mean I am moving on "from Scott." This means that I am ready to embrace whatever life throws at me. I have learned so fucking much about myself over the last couple of months. I am very proud of what I've learned and how I will incorporate that into my daily life...forever.
Scott was in my life for a reason. He was in my life for a short amount of time compared to the average life span of a person but what's important is that now I know why he was in my life. He showed me love, he showed me my self-worth, he made me non-selfish, he helped turn me from a drunk to someone who cared deeply about others and he simply loved me for me. That is important. I have this to cherish.
Did we have the healthiest relationship? No. I don't know if anyone does, but I know I will take what I've learned and apply it to all my relationships. That is the piece of him that will live with me forever. I am forever changed. While I hate that Scott's not here to talk to him about everything, I've said it before that he's where he wanted to be and now maybe I am starting to get where I should be going. It's so hard to say, but it's the truth. I promised myself as hard as some things are to say out loud, I would always be honest with myself and people reading this blog.
It's okay for me to feel this way. I do not feel guilty for wanting to move forward with my life. I used to, but not anymore. I am accepting what life has given me and making something of it. I am not the type of person who will sit in a room by myself and have Scott consume my every thought. I would never get better. I would never heal. I did not die the day he died. I am alive. I am living and I want to be here. I want to be happy. I think I deserve that. I think that Scott would want that. I hope everyone in my life wants that for me and if they don't, they can get out of my life. It's as simple as that.
This process truly allows you to see who your friends are and who they aren't. I love my friends. I don't need to name names, but I hope you're reading this and smiling. As hard as it was for me to post, it might be hard for you to read, however know that what I'm feeling is real. I am not healed, I will still have low days, but the good is outweighing the bad, which hasn't happened for a very long time.
I will not spend each day worrying about what I should or shouldn't be doing because I often times put too much pressure on myself. I will simply live my life and take it one day at a time. That's where I am now and it feels good to know how far I've come. I can visibly see the light in the tunnel and it gets closer and closer every day. Closer to what, I don't know...do you come out of the tunnel, I don't know, but I guess we shall see.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
climbing through fear
Today I embarked on a new adventure. Rock climbing. I was very nervous at first, then scared once I actually knew it was up to me to lift my leg and start climbing. The first climb was very hard. I get weak knees with heights so that was holding me back at first. But each climb got a little better, although my arm muscles are nowhere near where they need to be. You get to a point where you literally don't know what to do and it's all in your hands. Once your hand strength is gone, you're off the wall. Literally. I'm so glad that I did it. I've always thought about it, and I can honestly say it felt really good. I will certainly do it again and will work on my strength so that next time, I'm in better shape and know what to expect.
I'm thankful that I have a friend who wants to try new things and push me outside my normal physical exercise of cardio and some weight lifting. It's all so exciting and a great way to start off my new chapter in life.
I wish Scott could've seen me doing this. He would've loved to know that I did it. I did something that I've never done and he would've been so supportive. It's really tough because he was my best friend. Not only am I missing his love, I miss my best friend. My companion and partner in crime. I had to come home to my apartment, not his. He's not here. He's never been here. It was the first time I came back to my new apartment by myself. It's all part of the journey and sometimes the smallest things are so hard. Today was one of those days.
The dreaded ME call is this week. It's been two weeks. I really hope to have some resolution on his death. I often think, am I ready for this? The answer is yes and no. Yes because I want to know how he died and no because then it will be permanent. A done deal. Done. What do you do with what you know? I think it will hit me when I know more. I do not want to assume anything, until I hear it from the ME's mouth. This is the week. Please don't make me wait another two weeks. I've waited long enough.
I'm in a rut right now. I can't put my finger on it. I feel accomplished with what I did today, however I feel so sad and so alone.
I'm thankful that I have a friend who wants to try new things and push me outside my normal physical exercise of cardio and some weight lifting. It's all so exciting and a great way to start off my new chapter in life.
I wish Scott could've seen me doing this. He would've loved to know that I did it. I did something that I've never done and he would've been so supportive. It's really tough because he was my best friend. Not only am I missing his love, I miss my best friend. My companion and partner in crime. I had to come home to my apartment, not his. He's not here. He's never been here. It was the first time I came back to my new apartment by myself. It's all part of the journey and sometimes the smallest things are so hard. Today was one of those days.
The dreaded ME call is this week. It's been two weeks. I really hope to have some resolution on his death. I often think, am I ready for this? The answer is yes and no. Yes because I want to know how he died and no because then it will be permanent. A done deal. Done. What do you do with what you know? I think it will hit me when I know more. I do not want to assume anything, until I hear it from the ME's mouth. This is the week. Please don't make me wait another two weeks. I've waited long enough.
I'm in a rut right now. I can't put my finger on it. I feel accomplished with what I did today, however I feel so sad and so alone.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
moving: day two and three
So yesterday was a really rough day. I had tried my best to prepare myself for this move. Knowing I was moving because Scott died was very hard for me to grasp. And still is. The movers were expected to be here from 12-4, they ended up showing up at 8:15 and my door attendant almost did not allow them to move me because it was too late, however I was able to do so, knowing I was only moving down the hall.
When she initially told me this, I had an epic of all epic breakdowns. I handed my phone to my mom, because she had to get it "approved" and walked into the bedroom, profusely crying. I had so much emotion behind that explosion. That's exactly what it was. Why am I moving? This fucking sucks? Why me? Why Scott? I hate the fucking world for putting me on this path sometimes. I wanted to get out of my own skin. I wanted to scream, to run away and never look back. To storm out of the apartment and say fuck it, I cannot do this.
But, I didn't. I was extremely close. Extremely. I found the strength to get through it. The move was quick once they arrived, 30 minutes max. I kept going over to the old place to say goodbye and held onto the keys until this morning. Today was the final goodbye. Not to Scott, but to our memories there. To a place that I hated and loved all at the same time, because he was alive.
I couldn't sleep once the movers were done. I was wide awake. So I worked. I worked on unpacking and reorganizing until really late. My mom stayed up with me, because she knew how hard it was for me. She wanted to be there and knew that I needed her.
Today was a new day. I'm in my own place. It's weird. It's sad. It's happy. It's a lot of things. I've been exhausted all day. I think the emotions that I felt so deeply yesterday really made me tired today. I don't know.
I do know that I love my bedroom. I didn't sleep in there last night cause my friend Steve needed to go to bed early cause he was leaving here at 6am, so he needed sleep! Tonight will be my first night in the bed. It's not my new bed yet, but it's a new room, new look/style. I like being in there. I think I will continue to add fun decor here and there.
While you've never set foot in this place, Scott, know that I will always keep you close to my heart.
When she initially told me this, I had an epic of all epic breakdowns. I handed my phone to my mom, because she had to get it "approved" and walked into the bedroom, profusely crying. I had so much emotion behind that explosion. That's exactly what it was. Why am I moving? This fucking sucks? Why me? Why Scott? I hate the fucking world for putting me on this path sometimes. I wanted to get out of my own skin. I wanted to scream, to run away and never look back. To storm out of the apartment and say fuck it, I cannot do this.
But, I didn't. I was extremely close. Extremely. I found the strength to get through it. The move was quick once they arrived, 30 minutes max. I kept going over to the old place to say goodbye and held onto the keys until this morning. Today was the final goodbye. Not to Scott, but to our memories there. To a place that I hated and loved all at the same time, because he was alive.
I couldn't sleep once the movers were done. I was wide awake. So I worked. I worked on unpacking and reorganizing until really late. My mom stayed up with me, because she knew how hard it was for me. She wanted to be there and knew that I needed her.
Today was a new day. I'm in my own place. It's weird. It's sad. It's happy. It's a lot of things. I've been exhausted all day. I think the emotions that I felt so deeply yesterday really made me tired today. I don't know.
I do know that I love my bedroom. I didn't sleep in there last night cause my friend Steve needed to go to bed early cause he was leaving here at 6am, so he needed sleep! Tonight will be my first night in the bed. It's not my new bed yet, but it's a new room, new look/style. I like being in there. I think I will continue to add fun decor here and there.
While you've never set foot in this place, Scott, know that I will always keep you close to my heart.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
when it hits, it hits
I sometimes have these moments where I think of all the things Scott will never get to do, see or try anymore. He'll never eat steak again, he'll never hear the Beatles, he'll never go to a concert, he'll never try a new restaurant, etc. etc. It can be so overwhelming. That's what happened at dinner tonight. Along with having a hard day of moving, I was just sitting there and looking around thinking "he will never see the inside of this place." It is all so sad. It hurts. The pain hasn't seem to have let up. It's almost like it's always there, but I can function better than I could last month. I don't want to have an underlying sadness the rest of my life.
I hope that's not the case, but if it is, then that's what it'll be. I cannot change anything. I just want to keep doing what I'm doing and I want time to pass by quickly. Although I've heard the "time-table" associated with grieving and it's a long process. I told my sister once that I wanted to sleep for two years and then be woken up...but she said, that would only delay the process by 2 years, which is right. I have to continue to live my life, day by day, breath by breath, and continue to have faith that I will get through this.
I'm thankful my mom and Steve are here to help me move. It might all hit me on Sunday when Mom leaves, but I will also be busy rock climbing. Hopefully that exhausts me and I will sleep like a baby. Wishful thinking...maybe. Anyways, the moral of the story is that you just never know when the sadness and pain will hit. While there is a constant sadness it's not like it was 2 months ago, when it does hit me hard, it's really hard. I feel myself just going into this dark place and getting really quiet. The tears come, then I feel like a moron for crying in a public restaurant, but I know that I cannot stop the tears. I don't want to stop the tears, otherwise I am stopping the emotion, which is not healthy.
AND, thank you to those who reached out to help me move. I greatly appreciate your offers and generosity. You know who you all are :) While I don't need help moving this time, I expect you ALL to come visit me at my new place to fill it with fun memories!!!!
I hope that's not the case, but if it is, then that's what it'll be. I cannot change anything. I just want to keep doing what I'm doing and I want time to pass by quickly. Although I've heard the "time-table" associated with grieving and it's a long process. I told my sister once that I wanted to sleep for two years and then be woken up...but she said, that would only delay the process by 2 years, which is right. I have to continue to live my life, day by day, breath by breath, and continue to have faith that I will get through this.
I'm thankful my mom and Steve are here to help me move. It might all hit me on Sunday when Mom leaves, but I will also be busy rock climbing. Hopefully that exhausts me and I will sleep like a baby. Wishful thinking...maybe. Anyways, the moral of the story is that you just never know when the sadness and pain will hit. While there is a constant sadness it's not like it was 2 months ago, when it does hit me hard, it's really hard. I feel myself just going into this dark place and getting really quiet. The tears come, then I feel like a moron for crying in a public restaurant, but I know that I cannot stop the tears. I don't want to stop the tears, otherwise I am stopping the emotion, which is not healthy.
AND, thank you to those who reached out to help me move. I greatly appreciate your offers and generosity. You know who you all are :) While I don't need help moving this time, I expect you ALL to come visit me at my new place to fill it with fun memories!!!!
moving: day one
The day is here. Knowing that I am moving from the place where Scott and I lived to a smaller one bedroom. It's really fucked up in a way. I'm moving because he died. Scott and I had agreed to stay here one more year while his health got better, although it would literally cost an arm and a leg. It's what I did for him, anything that I could. If I could take one less stress from him I would, and I did. I'm happy to know that I did that for him. He needed it. He worried about enough and I tried to take on as much as I could. Which might not have been the healthiest approach for me, but it's the truth. In due time, I will be forced to take care of myself and will learn how to balance my needs with the needs of others.
I'm mixed emotions today. I feel sad, but other times I'm so busy, that I don't feel anything. I just unloaded a lot of art and music books that I elected to keep to put on display. They make me smile because in a lot of instances I remember buying the books with Scott, however some are older and I look forward to reading them. He wasn't into reading, he was a picture guy. So I now have a lot of pretty picture books :)
I didn't realize how much shit I actually had. Here I was, all these years telling Scott he had a lot of shit. Well we both did. I'm trying to get rid of a lot. Like clothes. I have literally gone through my clothes 4 times leading up to today and there is still too much. Why do I need all this stuff??? So I'm getting rid of even more. It's hard for me to part ways with clothes. I always think "oh maybe I'll wear it next year." Not the case. I got rid of it!
My new apartment also has less storage so that has been a chore, just making sure everything has a home (bathroom stuff, laundry stuff, cleaning supplies, lightbulbs, etc.). I like everything to have a home and be tucked away out of site, but I think I did it! haha. I still have some boxes to unpack so who knows where that stuff will go.
Alright, well I wanted to post to get some emotions out. I'm not really thinking today. I'm just doing. Tomorrow will be harder, I know that for a fact. I will miss the memories we shared in our apartment. But, I think the new place will help me to start focusing on me for a change.
I'm mixed emotions today. I feel sad, but other times I'm so busy, that I don't feel anything. I just unloaded a lot of art and music books that I elected to keep to put on display. They make me smile because in a lot of instances I remember buying the books with Scott, however some are older and I look forward to reading them. He wasn't into reading, he was a picture guy. So I now have a lot of pretty picture books :)
I didn't realize how much shit I actually had. Here I was, all these years telling Scott he had a lot of shit. Well we both did. I'm trying to get rid of a lot. Like clothes. I have literally gone through my clothes 4 times leading up to today and there is still too much. Why do I need all this stuff??? So I'm getting rid of even more. It's hard for me to part ways with clothes. I always think "oh maybe I'll wear it next year." Not the case. I got rid of it!
My new apartment also has less storage so that has been a chore, just making sure everything has a home (bathroom stuff, laundry stuff, cleaning supplies, lightbulbs, etc.). I like everything to have a home and be tucked away out of site, but I think I did it! haha. I still have some boxes to unpack so who knows where that stuff will go.
Alright, well I wanted to post to get some emotions out. I'm not really thinking today. I'm just doing. Tomorrow will be harder, I know that for a fact. I will miss the memories we shared in our apartment. But, I think the new place will help me to start focusing on me for a change.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
getting used to this. weird.
It's really fucked up that I am getting used to this feeling. Used to feeling alone and on an island. Used to knowing that the void I feel will be there for a while. I guess I am coming to terms with grieving. I didn't know it was possible, but plan to talk about it tomorrow in therapy.
I don't like this feeling. You cannot compete with it or make it go away. So I guess you embrace it? I mean you have no choice.
I saw my new apartment today, which has me super excited about moving. What I am not excited for is the constant reminder that I don't have Scott around to help with certain things, like hooking up the PS3 or the wireless router. There are things I don't know that I will be forced to learn. It's almost like I want to rebel against those things because that was HIS job, not mine. Now it's mine.
I find myself talking to him at my apartment lately. Saying "where are you?" and other things. It's weird. I don't expect him to talk back or anything. If he did, um, that would freak me out. I know he's gone.
I'm bored. Yet I don't know what to do. Nothing seems interesting. Maybe I've done too much this weekend with packing and cleaning. I feel that's all I do, but it's the homestretch. Part of me gets so mad that I am moving, because of WHY I am moving. It's all so fucked up, fucked up, fucked up!
I don't like this feeling. You cannot compete with it or make it go away. So I guess you embrace it? I mean you have no choice.
I saw my new apartment today, which has me super excited about moving. What I am not excited for is the constant reminder that I don't have Scott around to help with certain things, like hooking up the PS3 or the wireless router. There are things I don't know that I will be forced to learn. It's almost like I want to rebel against those things because that was HIS job, not mine. Now it's mine.
I find myself talking to him at my apartment lately. Saying "where are you?" and other things. It's weird. I don't expect him to talk back or anything. If he did, um, that would freak me out. I know he's gone.
I'm bored. Yet I don't know what to do. Nothing seems interesting. Maybe I've done too much this weekend with packing and cleaning. I feel that's all I do, but it's the homestretch. Part of me gets so mad that I am moving, because of WHY I am moving. It's all so fucked up, fucked up, fucked up!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
it just doesn't feel right sometimes
Today I have been on autopilot for a majority of the day. I woke up, went to starbucks, had a moment of silence for Scott, then got to work. I have packed so much stuff today. You don't realize how much you really have to do. I got a lot done, on top of that, I cleaned. Cleaned everything I could. And I find myself wondering am I trying to clean him out of this apartment. It hurts so bad. Alive, then dead.
I went through the final bag of clothes that I had found stored in a computer box. I want to hang onto everything, I feel like a bad person for donating his stuff. HIS stuff. Even though he never wore this shit, except when he had to dress "business casual" at Bally...there's no sentimental value to it, other than it was HIS. I miss him so much. There is so much guilt associated with getting rid of anything. He saved everything, whereas I liked to throw out/donate regularly.
It's so fucking hard. SOOO fucking hard. I wish I could explain it. I want him back so I can ask him if it's okay that I am getting rid of some of this stuff that he never wore. Is he mad at me? I feel so mad at him sometimes cause he left me. Left me without telling me he loved me. Left me with no goodbye. Left me wondering so much about life. I have so many questions for him that will never get answered and I hate that. I miss you baby.
I went through the final bag of clothes that I had found stored in a computer box. I want to hang onto everything, I feel like a bad person for donating his stuff. HIS stuff. Even though he never wore this shit, except when he had to dress "business casual" at Bally...there's no sentimental value to it, other than it was HIS. I miss him so much. There is so much guilt associated with getting rid of anything. He saved everything, whereas I liked to throw out/donate regularly.
It's so fucking hard. SOOO fucking hard. I wish I could explain it. I want him back so I can ask him if it's okay that I am getting rid of some of this stuff that he never wore. Is he mad at me? I feel so mad at him sometimes cause he left me. Left me without telling me he loved me. Left me with no goodbye. Left me wondering so much about life. I have so many questions for him that will never get answered and I hate that. I miss you baby.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
shaky hands
I went to Whole Foods after work and realized that maybe I'm hiding some feelings. My hands are really shaky right now, which could be my anxiety. It's amazing what triggers anxiety throughout this process. Scott and I would go to Whole Foods on Friday night as a "treat" to get something to eat that night. If I were to guess, I think that triggered some feelings of loneliness. I am here alone. I have to do things on my own. I am only buying for one. I am no longer buying for two. I'm so glad that I never held back on giving to Scott, whether that was love and care or presents.
Scott loved presents so much and I loved giving him whatever he wanted, if I could afford it. Everyday was MY present from Scott, I now realize. He was such an incredible person and it just makes the hole in my heart so much greater. If he were a bad person or treated me like shit, maybe this would be easier. It's so hard because he loved me so much and now I don't have that. I don't have the feeling of comfort and support the way I did with him.
I feel like I'm alone on an island sometimes. Just me, with no one listening, or no one to relate to. I want to tell him about my day. I want to ask him stupid questions about the internet wireless router, about which macbook to get, about everything. I feel like there was so much more for him to teach me and to learn about one another and I'll never get that opportunity.
I realize I am hiding my feelings from myself. I don't know how not to do this. It is part of the transition of entering the world again. I need to get better. I need to listen to me and my needs. It has been really hard since being back at work. I find that I bring humor instead of my pain. I would rather laugh sometimes than cry, and I think that's okay. In moderation I guess.
There is one thing that I am happy about today, that Scott will never be sick again. He will never have to wonder why he was getting sick. He will never have to worry. But for those that are left behind, we still have to go through life, even though I feel like I have no more life in me.
My hands have stopped shaking.
Scott loved presents so much and I loved giving him whatever he wanted, if I could afford it. Everyday was MY present from Scott, I now realize. He was such an incredible person and it just makes the hole in my heart so much greater. If he were a bad person or treated me like shit, maybe this would be easier. It's so hard because he loved me so much and now I don't have that. I don't have the feeling of comfort and support the way I did with him.
I feel like I'm alone on an island sometimes. Just me, with no one listening, or no one to relate to. I want to tell him about my day. I want to ask him stupid questions about the internet wireless router, about which macbook to get, about everything. I feel like there was so much more for him to teach me and to learn about one another and I'll never get that opportunity.
I realize I am hiding my feelings from myself. I don't know how not to do this. It is part of the transition of entering the world again. I need to get better. I need to listen to me and my needs. It has been really hard since being back at work. I find that I bring humor instead of my pain. I would rather laugh sometimes than cry, and I think that's okay. In moderation I guess.
There is one thing that I am happy about today, that Scott will never be sick again. He will never have to wonder why he was getting sick. He will never have to worry. But for those that are left behind, we still have to go through life, even though I feel like I have no more life in me.
My hands have stopped shaking.
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