thanksgiving day

So it's Thanksgiving. It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving. It feels like just another weekend. It seems like we just had Thanksgiving, it's too soon to be here again. But it is.

I think my mind is trying to trick me. Tomorrow is the hard day. The day I made the decision that he needed to get to a hospital right away. He was too sick. Tomorrow is also my mom's birthday. So a day of cheer and a day of dread.

I'm so thankful that she understands how hard life is for me right now. It's hard for them too. Scott is normally a part of this day and her birthday. He's missing in their lives too, not just mine. We all miss him, that's for sure. I was wondering today if Jasper ever wonders where he is...

I will say that I tried two bites of mashed potatoes today. I made myself do it, although I didn't want to. My sister said she made a similar batch to my grandma's so I had to taste and judge for myself. They were close...but NOT QUITE there. haha. Sorry K. Love you :) Next year, we are going to have a mashed potato "smash off." My grandmother makes the best ones ever and we always try to replicate them...

I also started taking an antidepressant today. I was very against this idea, but I know I need it for a short period of time. Today wasn't a great day to start a new drug because the side effects caused me stomach issues and a loss of appetite...but my emotions have also been causing this, so hard to tell what caused what. Oh well. I'll give it time to see if it helps me function a bit better. I know I need something. Not forever, but for a while.

My psychiatrist said that maybe I was too strong during the months leading up until now and here's my time to break. It's common. It's natural. It's grief. I sort of had a delayed reaction emotionally. I hope he's right. I just want to get through it in one piece. Thank you so much to all of you for support and love. I need it. I just need to get better at accepting it and asking for it. One step and day at a time.

carrying the weight of the world...

Today was a tough one.

While I prepared myself as best as I could to be "ready" to know the answer to Scott's death, you can never fully be ready to hear what I heard today. "Accidental" death. To me, this means it could've been avoided. That word is so harsh and sounds like an oxy-moron. It's so...preventable to me. Not that I can change anything and firmly believe that things happen for a reason, however, I am mostly pissed off at medical staff for overlooking this potential problem. I will put this into teaching others somehow. I don't know what that will look like yet, but I will do my best to save lives. Even if it's one person. Doctors and family members need to understand how dangerous heart disease and medications can be...especially if they are NOT looking at the overall health of the person, and only focusing on "their discipline." i.e. heart, stomach, mental, etc.  PAINT THE FULL PICTURE ASSHOLES!!!!

Today has been heavy. My mind is racing. It's telling me things that I don't want to listen to, like "you could've stopped this, you could've been more careful, you could've prevented this. If only"...however...

I KNOW that I could not have saved him. I KNOW I did all I could for him. However, the thoughts are still there. My thoughts are getting more rational as the day progresses, so I will take that as a good sign. I know he's not coming back. I know that he's where he's supposed to be. He's actually where he wants to be. Unfortunately, that's not what anyone wants to hear, but believe me when I say, he's okay with it.

It doesn't make the pain any less for those who loved him. And that I did. Very much. I have a big heart and it loves so unconditionally. I think he showed me how much I can love, which I am very thankful for. I wanted to be his everything, and I think I was. Actually, I know I was. While I could not save him, I have to have faith that I was in his life for a reason and purpose. I know he was brought into my life for many reasons. One of the many is, I have wonderful friends who I met through Scott. I thank my lucky stars everyday for those who are in my life because of him. He was great at reading people and only kept people in his life who were genuinely amazing, now these people are in my life forever.

I've truly accepted the fact that he's gone. I hope to find closure from the information I learned today. I still have a million questions running through my head. I have to be okay with the fact that I will never have all the answers. I have to be okay with the fact that I cannot ask him how he died. That would be way too easy. His heart stopped. I'll take that as a sign he didn't struggle and it was quick. I would hate for him to suffer and now I am pretty confident that he didn't. Amen for that.

sleep!!!!

Okay, so it's amazing what sleep can do for me. I slept like a rock last night. Finally! I was purely exhausted from my unusually "social" week. I had a lot going on at night, which was great, but my sleep suffered. I will have to find the right balance of being social during the week, while still getting the sleep I need. Learning as we go, people!

I feel good today. Actually, I feel great. When I woke up, I didn't have my usual stomach pains or a foggy mind. I had a clear mind and was excited for my day of appointments (hair, nails).

I miss Scott. There isn't a day that passes where I don't think of him, but I also am starting to feel good in my own skin. It's all about me at the moment. And I think that's okay. It's weird to be "selfish," but I definitely think it's required to continue upward in this journey. I know that I will still have hard days ahead of me, but I honestly feel that the worst is behind me and that each day I will continue to get stronger and more functional.

I did find out that one of my friends, who I met through Scott, suffered a heart attack last night. I'm glad to report he is in stable condition, but still it's hard. Scott's circle of friends don't need to be put through all this time and time again. They are good people and it's so hard to understand why this stuff happens. We all need a break.

I'll be heading up to Taylor Lanes tonight to hang out with everyone, so I look forward to seeing my friends and hugging those who I haven't seen in a long time. It feels good to be surrounded by love.

pink hair and good friends

I am so looking forward to tomorrow. I am getting my hair cut, highlighted and some pink added in. I cannot wait to see what it looks like! I have the best hairdresser in MI!! And my hair got so long so fast cause it was so short, cannot wait to get some of this chopped off!!

It's fun to be excited about something and tomorrow I have two things. Hair and hanging out with dear friends up at Taylor Lanes. I feel so loved when I am around these people. It's an amazing feeling. I love it!!

(I basically wanted to update to use my mom's new macbook air).

Yay for friends and changing my look...yet again. It's what I like to do. Constant isn't so constant anymore...used to be one of my favorite lyrics by The Get Up Kids. I need to find that CD!

getting out

Since I woke up at 6am, for no good reason, I am sitting here, ready to go to work and it's not even 8am. Call me crazy? You would think that I NEED sleep, but my body wakes up and I cannot fall back to sleep. It's annoying.

Last night I went to see 'The Mountain Goats' with a friend and her co-worker. I had never heard of this band, but it didn't really matter. What mattered was that I was going. It was a Tuesday night and why not? This is part of who I need to become for myself. I need to develop these relationships and go out and enjoy what the city has to offer! Before the band started, I was laughing so hard, that my abs hurt. That is when you know you are healing. You can laugh, a real laugh. You can enjoy friends without feeling like the "downer." I had a great time and am proud of myself for going. I needed that yesterday.

I do feel as though I'm on a good path to recovery and I'm sure I can contribute it to many things. I like smiling a real smile and laughing a real laugh. It helps me heal, as well as the sunshine. I'm starting to realize that my life is moving in the right direction. Three months ago, I had no idea what to expect. I couldn't see the light in the tunnel, now I am catching glimpses, and I am liking what I'm seeing.

I've always said that "good comes from tragedy." I've learned a lot about myself, I've learned a lot about my friends. I've learned that Scott was loved by so many amazing people and I'm so glad that they have ALL made me a big part of their life. It's amazing and warms my heart. There are a lot of special people in my world right now and I look forward to a lot of new memories, knowing that in some instances, Scott is the reason they are in my life. It shows that he had an amazing gift of only keeping people in his life that were genuine. I love that.

I thank Scott everyday for the power his friends are playing in my recovery. I miss him. I still haven't quite gotten a grasp on "why me," but I know that I will someday understand the reason why Scott was in my life. My instinct is that he showed me how to love, how to be in a relationships where it was rooted in love and everything else was just a bonus.

I am starting to truly understand that he is gone. The denial that I felt before it's starting to go away. It's almost like a shift is happening in my mind. While I still do not feel I function normally, as each day goes by, I hope to get better. I've had some good and bad moments this week and hopefully I will continue upward in my journey.

no news is not good news

I called the ME today, but left a voicemail letting him know to call me only when he has resolution on Scott's death. I am ready to know. It will help me in this process if I know and it's not delayed any longer. I once thought that I didn't want to know, but now I know that it's time.

I thought a lot today about how far I've come. And what many don't know is that I have been grieving even before Scott died. I can honestly say that I didn't have my Scott since July/August. It's been that long. Almost a year. I am so thankful of the last night we spent together. My therapist said that your body can naturally "wake up" from being comatose before you die. Weird. I need to research that. So maybe that's what happened on that Saturday night. He seemed like him again. My hopes were up, but we all know what happened.

As I was walking home from therapy, it hit me that I know that I've come a long way from where I was and I will continue to keep moving forward. I am honest with myself and very self-aware of the fact that I need to take care of myself first and foremost and focus on developing really great friendships, which I have started. It's so hard for me to pick up the phone and say "I need you to come over because I am so alone." But this step, will help me. It will allow me to know that I have friends who are there for me. It might be uncomfortable, but it's a step I must learn and learn to do well.

His memories are starting to make me smile, as opposed to making me angry or sad. I like hearing others tell me about their memories of Scott. That's how he keeps living, through talking about him and keeping our memories of him alive.

My therapist made a good point today. She said "when you're married and have kids, you will still miss him." That hit home. I will always miss him, regardless of where life takes me and that's okay. My life will move on, it already has. I'm alive. I'm in my own place.

climbing through fear

Today I embarked on a new adventure. Rock climbing. I was very nervous at first, then scared once I actually knew it was up to me to lift my leg and start climbing. The first climb was very hard. I get weak knees with heights so that was holding me back at first. But each climb got a little better, although my arm muscles are nowhere near where they need to be. You get to a point where you literally don't know what to do and it's all in your hands. Once your hand strength is gone, you're off the wall. Literally. I'm so glad that I did it. I've always thought about it, and I can honestly say it felt really good. I will certainly do it again and will work on my strength so that next time, I'm in better shape and know what to expect.

I'm thankful that I have a friend who wants to try new things and push me outside my normal physical exercise of cardio and some weight lifting. It's all so exciting and a great way to start off my new chapter in life.

I wish Scott could've seen me doing this. He would've loved to know that I did it. I did something that I've never done and he would've been so supportive. It's really tough because he was my best friend. Not only am I missing his love, I miss my best friend. My companion and partner in crime. I had to come home to my apartment, not his. He's not here. He's never been here. It was the first time I came back to my new apartment by myself. It's all part of the journey and sometimes the smallest things are so hard. Today was one of those days.

The dreaded ME call is this week. It's been two weeks. I really hope to have some resolution on his death. I often think, am I ready for this? The answer is yes and no. Yes because I want to know how he died and no because then it will be permanent. A done deal. Done. What do you do with what you know? I think it will hit me when I know more. I do not want to assume anything, until I hear it from the ME's mouth. This is the week. Please don't make me wait another two weeks. I've waited long enough.

I'm in a rut right now. I can't put my finger on it. I feel accomplished with what I did today, however I feel so sad and so alone.

welcome home

Jasper's new place to hang. He got up here by jumping from the counter to the top of the fridge and after dinner, that's where we found him. He loves being up high. Such a cutie.

Scott had this painting done for me by a good friend (thanks, B!!!) and it will now welcome everyone who enters my home. It has significant meaning and I want everyone to see it right when  you walk in. It will introduce ME!!!! to everyone. This is my house, and a start to my new chapter.

when it hits, it hits

I sometimes have these moments where I think of all the things Scott will never get to do, see or try anymore. He'll never eat steak again, he'll never hear the Beatles, he'll never go to a concert, he'll never try a new restaurant, etc. etc. It can be so overwhelming. That's what happened at dinner tonight. Along with having a hard day of moving, I was just sitting there and looking around thinking "he will never see the inside of this place." It is all so sad. It hurts. The pain hasn't seem to have let up. It's almost like it's always there, but I can function better than I could last month. I don't want to have an underlying sadness the rest of my life.

I hope that's not the case, but if it is, then that's what it'll be. I cannot change anything. I just want to keep doing what I'm doing and I want time to pass by quickly. Although I've heard the "time-table" associated with grieving and it's a long process. I told my sister once that I wanted to sleep for two years and then be woken up...but she said, that would only delay the process by 2 years, which is right. I have to continue to live my life, day by day, breath by breath, and continue to have faith that I will get through this.

I'm thankful my mom and Steve are here to help me move. It might all hit me on Sunday when Mom leaves, but I will also be busy rock climbing. Hopefully that exhausts me and I will sleep like a baby. Wishful thinking...maybe. Anyways, the moral of the story is that you just never know when the sadness and pain will hit. While there is a constant sadness it's not like it was 2 months ago, when it does hit me hard, it's really hard. I feel myself just going into this dark place and getting really quiet. The tears come, then I feel like a moron for crying in a public restaurant, but I know that I cannot stop the tears. I don't want to stop the tears, otherwise I am stopping the emotion, which is not healthy.

AND, thank you to those who reached out to help me move. I greatly appreciate your offers and generosity. You know who you all are :) While I don't need help moving this time, I expect you ALL to come visit me at my new place to fill it with fun memories!!!!

moving: day one

The day is here. Knowing that I am moving from the place where Scott and I lived to a smaller one bedroom. It's really fucked up in a way. I'm moving because he died. Scott and I had agreed to stay here one more year while his health got better, although it would literally cost an arm and a leg. It's what I did for him, anything that I could. If I could take one less stress from him I would, and I did. I'm happy to know that I did that for him. He needed it. He worried about enough and I tried to take on as much as I could. Which might not have been the healthiest approach for me, but it's the truth. In due time, I will be forced to take care of myself and will learn how to balance my needs with the needs of others.

I'm mixed emotions today. I feel sad, but other times I'm so busy, that I don't feel anything. I just unloaded a lot of art and music books that I elected to keep to put on display. They make me smile because in a lot of instances I remember buying the books with Scott, however some are older and I look forward to reading them. He wasn't into reading, he was a picture guy. So I now have a lot of pretty picture books :)

I didn't realize how much shit I actually had. Here I was, all these years telling Scott he had a lot of shit. Well we both did. I'm trying to get rid of a lot. Like clothes. I have literally gone through my clothes 4 times leading up to today and there is still too much. Why do I need all this stuff??? So I'm getting rid of even more. It's hard for me to part ways with clothes. I always think "oh maybe I'll wear it next year." Not the case. I got rid of it!

My new apartment also has less storage so that has been a chore, just making sure everything has a home (bathroom stuff, laundry stuff, cleaning supplies, lightbulbs, etc.). I like everything to have a home and be tucked away out of site, but I think I did it! haha. I still have some boxes to unpack so who knows where that stuff will go.

Alright, well I wanted to post to get some emotions out. I'm not really thinking today. I'm just doing. Tomorrow will be harder, I know that for a fact. I will miss the memories we shared in our apartment. But, I think the new place will help me to start focusing on me for a change.

helping others, helping me

Horoscope from yesterday was truly on-point:
You are in a stressful phase now and you may be feeling the pressure to choose between your home and your career. However, any lack of support you are feeling from the people in your life will slowly and surely force you to go through your own metamorphosis. Try not to go overboard; letting go of old habits is required before you can begin to develop healthier new ones.

I received the most amazing email yesterday. This person said "Scott sounds like an incredible man and though it sounds crazy to say, be glad a piece of you is missing -- that means he took it with him." I had never thought about it this way. It's intense, but it's the truth. Why I feel so wounded was because of the love that Scott and I shared. He will always have a piece of me and I will always have a piece of him. Loved this. It gave me a new perspective in this grieving process.

This person I speak of has also suffered severe loss and my blog helped her yesterday. It was so refreshing to know that I am helping others who are grieving. This gave me even more drive to want to help people who are grieving. To let others know that they are not alone, people are out there to help and I will make it my mission to be an advocate for other people who are suffering a loss. I cried tears of joy for the first time since Scott's passing.

So a special thank you to this person :)

And thank you to all of those who are reading my blog. I write from my heart, with no filter. I don't have much of a filter anyways, but this blog allows me to describe the intense feelings of my journey.

what I read at Scott's funeral

I wrote this a couple of days before I knew I had to see my baby again, but this time, instead of a corpse, I would be looking at a "pretend" version of the normal Scott. Nothing could prepare me for him laying in a casket, other than at least he would look more normal than the way I found him in my apartment. One of the most difficult speeches I will ever give in my life. I will never have a fear of speaking in a large crowd again. I got through it, with my needed breaks and deep breaths...damn I miss him.

My dearest Scott,

First and foremost I love you and will always love you. You and I are one and there will always be a piece of me that is missing now that you're gone. That's how we were, we did everything together and hated to be apart. You were more than my fiance, you were my best friend. The love we have is so rare and I will cherish what we have forever in my heat, mind and body.

You are an amazing, gentle and often-times quiet person, unless you were telling me about a new pair of shoes, car parts, music, Cubs or artwork. you have a huge heart and taught me how to be a better person simply by showing me what true love is. You changed me for the better and I am now stronger than I was when we fist met. I will always have that.

Your life was taken away too soon. We went through so much the past six months with you being so sick. We fought it together and did everything we could. And just when it seemed things were getting better, you were taken from me. I will forever be grateful that we had such a wonderful and special night on Saturday.

I wish we could still do all the things we talked about doing together. We just spoke last week about me learning to drive your car. We tried once, but as you know, I was sweating profusely because I was scared I would hurt your prized possession. We talked about me trying on Brian's car this summer then starting to learn how to handle your high performance clutch. I promise you that I will learn. I will learn for you...because I love you and because it will be another little piece of you that will be with me forever.

I am so glad we have Jasper (our kitten) together. You always told me you could tell how much I love him by the look on my face when I hold him. I will take good care of him and he will keep your memory alive for me.

One of the most endearing qualities you have is being a great father to Chaz. I promise to make sure you're still a piece of Chaz and will always be a part of his life because I know that is what you would want. Chaz, your Dad loved you more than anything in this world and would do anything for you so I promise to continue doing whatever you need. I love you.

Thank you for giving me the best years and days of my life, Scott. I wish I could give you one more kiss...hold you one more time. I miss you with every breath I take. I love you, pumpkin.

I wanted to say thank you to all those who have shown their love and support for Scott. Scott wasn't afraid of dying, but he was worried about what would happen to me and Chaz. I know through the amazing friends and family of both Scott and me, that we will be okay. Please stay in our lives and help keep his memory alive.

Scott's tattoo that we got in LA one year said "Fallen Angel." He has fallen, but he has risen up to. He is in a place with no worries, pain or suffering and for that I am grateful. As much as I need him, I need the peace of knowing that he's in a better place.

I know my life has forever changed, but Scott is at peace...free of pain and with John, his good friend who passed a year and a half ago. I hope they have a blast together and look down on us and help get us through the pain of our loss.

Thank you. I love you all.

a great night, with a great friend

It's amazing what friends can do for you. Tonight I hung out with an amazing person. A person that will forever be in my life. I always knew we had a special relationship, but tonight just reinforced that feeling. I am so thankful. I will have many more nights like tonight, and I look forward to it.

We shopped a little, then she cooked me dinner. I loved being at her house and hanging out with her husband. While I was nervous to be away from my "5-block radius" near my house, I was totally okay. I was okay because I wanted to be there and because I knew I was in great company.

Again, I got out of my comfort zone and for that I am so grateful. It's an amazing feeling to know that I CAN do this and I WILL do this with the support of my family and friends. We will get through this together.

She is so aware of my every move. She knows when I am upset before it even sets in. It's an amazing bond. Truly amazing. We were meant to be connected the day we met and we spoke about that tonight. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and that's how our friendship started, because we worked together. And now it's so much more. We are opposites on the outside (except beauty...hehe), but so much alike on the inside. Know that I love you and am so grateful to have you in my life. I look forward to many, many more fun nights ahead.

Much love KVO.

outside my comfort zone

So in talking to my friend Brian tonight, here's a list of all the things we have lined up:

1. Rock climbing
2. Help sell his car (he is in the process of buying Scott's car, which warms my heart)
3. Clean his house (if needed. hehe)
4. Decorate his new apartment
5. Help consult with his new biz idea
6. Mountain biking
7. Learn to drive a manual transmission (I owe it to Scott to learn on B's car and Scott's car (see below))

#1, #6 and #7 are going to really push me outside my comfort zone, which I am really looking forward to. I look forward to accomplishing all these things. While it's scary, it's also exciting. I want to know that I can climb a wall and then climb a harder wall and continue to challenge myself. Same with Mountain Biking. B is definitely already heavily involved in this sport and I'm looking forward to him teaching me the ways. Yes, there will be bumps and bruises, but I know I'm tough and what a wonderful way to get in touch with nature and let my mind free.

Tonight started as a bad night, but turned into a good one. I made a list of "to dos" and also had a great conversation with my brother who lives in San Fran. We had lost touch, but we're on the road to fixing our relationship and that means the world to me. We are family and family matters so much.

I always have said, good will come from tragedy and it's starting to happen.

a new purse with meaning

I thought I needed a new purse today. I always carry very LARGE purse and this isn't practical when going out to dinner or "out on the town" with my girlfriends, so there ya have it. A new small, red, Betsey Johnson bag. Good thing Nordstrom Rack is right across the street from my house. 

I have learned to lean on friends and rekindle relationships with girlfriends that I've neglected over the years. It feels really good. While sometimes it's hard to step foot outside my apartment, I always have a good time. It's not easy, but I know that I cannot stay inside forever. 

I look forward to developing even stronger relationships with these women. They bring a smile to my face and are my family in Chicago.