Today is your birthday. Although it's not really a day to celebrate for me. What becomes of your birthday? I think in time I will be able to think of this day as a celebratory day...but today it's not. Today is a day when we should've been in LA. Should have been reliving our engagement a year ago...today. Today is a weird day.
I'm in Chicago, surrounded by love, but you're not here. Maybe you're with me and I don't even know it. Maybe you're not.
I am going to Bahai temple today to grieve. I've never heard of this place, however I hear it's beautiful and very spiritual. It's a place where I want to remember your life and remember how you loved me and tell myself that you're exactly where you need to be.
I don't even know if I can say happy birthday, as I cannot celebrate your birth because your death is still too fresh. Six months today. At this time 6 months ago you were pronounced DOA. A day that I will never forget, but a day that has forever changed my life, as you know.
RIP Pumpkin. You're always on my mind, especially today.
(I will write more later. I know I will be hit with a lot of emotion and sadness when I'm at the temple...)
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
RIP my dear brother. I love you.
My brother Tyler, 23 years old, passed away on Saturday night. I heard he was missing through a post on FB and almost knew instantly that he was dead. I had a gut feeling. A true instinct telling me this. I reached out to him via phone and text, but got no response. I woke up on Sunday and was thinking he was found, based on a note I got back from his aunt, but when his aunt got to his apartment he was dead. He had died on Saturday night. Cause of death is unknown right now. It's all so fucking sad. I said that I hope to hell that we don't end up gathering at his funeral someday. He was on a better path, with working for his aunt's company and starting his design company, then BAM! the drugs took over. It takes ONE time. That is all. I told him how much I loved him and he told me how fucked up some of his actions were and that he was on a natural high from working out in SF. I told him how much I loved him, but I didn't trust him. I said you have to prove to me you're serious this time and here we are...the drugs won. Or so it seems.
I am so fucking sad again. It's not as deep of a sadness as I've experienced before, but i don't understand life. Why is this all happening? Why has this year been really fucking shitty? Why have I gone from losing one loved one when I was like 8 to losing two people in a matter of 4 months? I don't get it. What I do get is life is too fucking short. It changes in one instant.
I've learned so fucking much about grieving since January, that I know what to expect. I know how to feel, I know what this is. I hate fucking knowing. I'm 30 years old and know all about autopsy, coroner, death certificates, transferring of bodies, funeral homes and fucking all this bullshit process. It's fucking UNREAL. I am mad. I am angry. I don't get why I feel as though I'm being tested. I have a foundation. The feeling I have isn't the same as when Scott passed. The loss is different, however there is an underlying feeling that is the same. It's sad, it's tragic and sudden and you have so many unanswered questions.
What I am taking from this is reaffirming my role in life. I want to live. I want to fill my life with love and happiness, because it's so short. There is no time to waste in my opinion. I want to help others more so than ever and I will. Tyler's death is burning the light brighter from within. I wish I could've saved him, but he wasn't ready. I'm sure a lot of family and friends wish they could've done more, but the fact is, that he's gone. I cannot go back and think of ways I could've done more. I want to, but know that is not productive.
He was a troubled soul. There are so many people out there who are troubled and you would never know. That is who I will help. I want to help.
It doesn't take away from the fact that he died much too young. He was a talented, loving, caring and gentle brother. This isn't supposed to be happening. I wanted him to find his way.
RIP Tyler. I love you. I am blessed to have had you in my life and so thankful we had that final facetime conversation. I will cherish that moment forever.
I am so fucking sad again. It's not as deep of a sadness as I've experienced before, but i don't understand life. Why is this all happening? Why has this year been really fucking shitty? Why have I gone from losing one loved one when I was like 8 to losing two people in a matter of 4 months? I don't get it. What I do get is life is too fucking short. It changes in one instant.
I've learned so fucking much about grieving since January, that I know what to expect. I know how to feel, I know what this is. I hate fucking knowing. I'm 30 years old and know all about autopsy, coroner, death certificates, transferring of bodies, funeral homes and fucking all this bullshit process. It's fucking UNREAL. I am mad. I am angry. I don't get why I feel as though I'm being tested. I have a foundation. The feeling I have isn't the same as when Scott passed. The loss is different, however there is an underlying feeling that is the same. It's sad, it's tragic and sudden and you have so many unanswered questions.
What I am taking from this is reaffirming my role in life. I want to live. I want to fill my life with love and happiness, because it's so short. There is no time to waste in my opinion. I want to help others more so than ever and I will. Tyler's death is burning the light brighter from within. I wish I could've saved him, but he wasn't ready. I'm sure a lot of family and friends wish they could've done more, but the fact is, that he's gone. I cannot go back and think of ways I could've done more. I want to, but know that is not productive.
He was a troubled soul. There are so many people out there who are troubled and you would never know. That is who I will help. I want to help.
It doesn't take away from the fact that he died much too young. He was a talented, loving, caring and gentle brother. This isn't supposed to be happening. I wanted him to find his way.
RIP Tyler. I love you. I am blessed to have had you in my life and so thankful we had that final facetime conversation. I will cherish that moment forever.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
carrying the weight of the world...
Today was a tough one.
While I prepared myself as best as I could to be "ready" to know the answer to Scott's death, you can never fully be ready to hear what I heard today. "Accidental" death. To me, this means it could've been avoided. That word is so harsh and sounds like an oxy-moron. It's so...preventable to me. Not that I can change anything and firmly believe that things happen for a reason, however, I am mostly pissed off at medical staff for overlooking this potential problem. I will put this into teaching others somehow. I don't know what that will look like yet, but I will do my best to save lives. Even if it's one person. Doctors and family members need to understand how dangerous heart disease and medications can be...especially if they are NOT looking at the overall health of the person, and only focusing on "their discipline." i.e. heart, stomach, mental, etc. PAINT THE FULL PICTURE ASSHOLES!!!!
Today has been heavy. My mind is racing. It's telling me things that I don't want to listen to, like "you could've stopped this, you could've been more careful, you could've prevented this. If only"...however...
I KNOW that I could not have saved him. I KNOW I did all I could for him. However, the thoughts are still there. My thoughts are getting more rational as the day progresses, so I will take that as a good sign. I know he's not coming back. I know that he's where he's supposed to be. He's actually where he wants to be. Unfortunately, that's not what anyone wants to hear, but believe me when I say, he's okay with it.
It doesn't make the pain any less for those who loved him. And that I did. Very much. I have a big heart and it loves so unconditionally. I think he showed me how much I can love, which I am very thankful for. I wanted to be his everything, and I think I was. Actually, I know I was. While I could not save him, I have to have faith that I was in his life for a reason and purpose. I know he was brought into my life for many reasons. One of the many is, I have wonderful friends who I met through Scott. I thank my lucky stars everyday for those who are in my life because of him. He was great at reading people and only kept people in his life who were genuinely amazing, now these people are in my life forever.
I've truly accepted the fact that he's gone. I hope to find closure from the information I learned today. I still have a million questions running through my head. I have to be okay with the fact that I will never have all the answers. I have to be okay with the fact that I cannot ask him how he died. That would be way too easy. His heart stopped. I'll take that as a sign he didn't struggle and it was quick. I would hate for him to suffer and now I am pretty confident that he didn't. Amen for that.
While I prepared myself as best as I could to be "ready" to know the answer to Scott's death, you can never fully be ready to hear what I heard today. "Accidental" death. To me, this means it could've been avoided. That word is so harsh and sounds like an oxy-moron. It's so...preventable to me. Not that I can change anything and firmly believe that things happen for a reason, however, I am mostly pissed off at medical staff for overlooking this potential problem. I will put this into teaching others somehow. I don't know what that will look like yet, but I will do my best to save lives. Even if it's one person. Doctors and family members need to understand how dangerous heart disease and medications can be...especially if they are NOT looking at the overall health of the person, and only focusing on "their discipline." i.e. heart, stomach, mental, etc. PAINT THE FULL PICTURE ASSHOLES!!!!
Today has been heavy. My mind is racing. It's telling me things that I don't want to listen to, like "you could've stopped this, you could've been more careful, you could've prevented this. If only"...however...
I KNOW that I could not have saved him. I KNOW I did all I could for him. However, the thoughts are still there. My thoughts are getting more rational as the day progresses, so I will take that as a good sign. I know he's not coming back. I know that he's where he's supposed to be. He's actually where he wants to be. Unfortunately, that's not what anyone wants to hear, but believe me when I say, he's okay with it.
It doesn't make the pain any less for those who loved him. And that I did. Very much. I have a big heart and it loves so unconditionally. I think he showed me how much I can love, which I am very thankful for. I wanted to be his everything, and I think I was. Actually, I know I was. While I could not save him, I have to have faith that I was in his life for a reason and purpose. I know he was brought into my life for many reasons. One of the many is, I have wonderful friends who I met through Scott. I thank my lucky stars everyday for those who are in my life because of him. He was great at reading people and only kept people in his life who were genuinely amazing, now these people are in my life forever.
I've truly accepted the fact that he's gone. I hope to find closure from the information I learned today. I still have a million questions running through my head. I have to be okay with the fact that I will never have all the answers. I have to be okay with the fact that I cannot ask him how he died. That would be way too easy. His heart stopped. I'll take that as a sign he didn't struggle and it was quick. I would hate for him to suffer and now I am pretty confident that he didn't. Amen for that.
accidental death
I talked to ME today. It completely threw me off-guard because I was about to start a meeting, answered my phone, then realized who it was. So I excused the person out of my office and took the call.
There are two parts to his death. The final ruling is accidental. Part one is coronary atherosclerosis (artery blockage) and part two is drug levels (of some meds he was taking). The nortriptyline was a medication he was taking for depression at night.
When I first spoke to the ME, I didn't know what to say. What he was telling me lead me to believe he killed himself. Even though I checked all the medicines the day of his death and thought everything looked okay. I would've known if he took medications because I watched them, just to be sure. I called the ME back about an hour later with some questions.
1) Did his heart stop?
2) How many pills does the level equate to?
Answers:
1) Yes, his heart stopped.
2) He cannot tell me this. I asked if maybe his body wasn't breaking down meds like a normal, healthy person and he said yes, it's very hard to say because of his current condition. He also said that the level in Scott's body was not a suicidal level. It was accidental. He also brought up hyper-thryroidism and this could contribute to his accelerated heart rate. WTF. I mean, can anyone become a doctor? Why is no one putting two and two together of ALL of our fucking hospital visits...it's so fucking outrageous that some doctors call themselves that.
Anyways...
I administered all his medications. I have no idea why the level in his body was a toxic level. I cannot help but think I somehow fucked up the meds I was giving him. I know I cannot think this way, but it has entered my mind since this all so fresh in my head. I don't remember giving him two doses that night. I vividly remember giving him one dose, and checking his blood pressure before he went to bed. Obviously my mind is racing.
I know I cannot go back and change anything. I seriously think that his body was just like "fuck you, I cannot do this anymore." He was so small, so sick and the medication dose just might've been too high. I looked up information on Nortriptyline and it's a medication that needs to be monitored to ensure you do not reach a toxic level. Would've been good to know. And also, if you do enter a toxic level, it's causes major cardiac issues...i.e. exactly what happened to Scott. So this, plus his heart disease, lead to his death.
He had another level of an anti-depressant in his body, but it was at a therapeutic level. He wasn't even taking this medication and had been off of it for probably like 4 weeks so I thought it was odd it was still in his body, but I have known this for a while now. This lead me to believe that his body must not have been getting rid of meds or something. I cannot play doctor, although I think I'm smarter than a lot of doctors out there about putting the pieces together, I can only move forward. I can only cherish the time we had and know that he's not suffering anymore.
That's all I got for now. I need therapy. I need to be okay with what I've learned today and right now I am okay, but not great. I'm glad to know, but my mind really does keep racing with "how could this happen, what could I have done, did I kill him, etc. etc. etc."........
There are two parts to his death. The final ruling is accidental. Part one is coronary atherosclerosis (artery blockage) and part two is drug levels (of some meds he was taking). The nortriptyline was a medication he was taking for depression at night.
When I first spoke to the ME, I didn't know what to say. What he was telling me lead me to believe he killed himself. Even though I checked all the medicines the day of his death and thought everything looked okay. I would've known if he took medications because I watched them, just to be sure. I called the ME back about an hour later with some questions.
1) Did his heart stop?
2) How many pills does the level equate to?
Answers:
1) Yes, his heart stopped.
2) He cannot tell me this. I asked if maybe his body wasn't breaking down meds like a normal, healthy person and he said yes, it's very hard to say because of his current condition. He also said that the level in Scott's body was not a suicidal level. It was accidental. He also brought up hyper-thryroidism and this could contribute to his accelerated heart rate. WTF. I mean, can anyone become a doctor? Why is no one putting two and two together of ALL of our fucking hospital visits...it's so fucking outrageous that some doctors call themselves that.
Anyways...
I administered all his medications. I have no idea why the level in his body was a toxic level. I cannot help but think I somehow fucked up the meds I was giving him. I know I cannot think this way, but it has entered my mind since this all so fresh in my head. I don't remember giving him two doses that night. I vividly remember giving him one dose, and checking his blood pressure before he went to bed. Obviously my mind is racing.
I know I cannot go back and change anything. I seriously think that his body was just like "fuck you, I cannot do this anymore." He was so small, so sick and the medication dose just might've been too high. I looked up information on Nortriptyline and it's a medication that needs to be monitored to ensure you do not reach a toxic level. Would've been good to know. And also, if you do enter a toxic level, it's causes major cardiac issues...i.e. exactly what happened to Scott. So this, plus his heart disease, lead to his death.
He had another level of an anti-depressant in his body, but it was at a therapeutic level. He wasn't even taking this medication and had been off of it for probably like 4 weeks so I thought it was odd it was still in his body, but I have known this for a while now. This lead me to believe that his body must not have been getting rid of meds or something. I cannot play doctor, although I think I'm smarter than a lot of doctors out there about putting the pieces together, I can only move forward. I can only cherish the time we had and know that he's not suffering anymore.
That's all I got for now. I need therapy. I need to be okay with what I've learned today and right now I am okay, but not great. I'm glad to know, but my mind really does keep racing with "how could this happen, what could I have done, did I kill him, etc. etc. etc."........
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