So it's Thanksgiving. It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving. It feels like just another weekend. It seems like we just had Thanksgiving, it's too soon to be here again. But it is.
I think my mind is trying to trick me. Tomorrow is the hard day. The day I made the decision that he needed to get to a hospital right away. He was too sick. Tomorrow is also my mom's birthday. So a day of cheer and a day of dread.
I'm so thankful that she understands how hard life is for me right now. It's hard for them too. Scott is normally a part of this day and her birthday. He's missing in their lives too, not just mine. We all miss him, that's for sure. I was wondering today if Jasper ever wonders where he is...
I will say that I tried two bites of mashed potatoes today. I made myself do it, although I didn't want to. My sister said she made a similar batch to my grandma's so I had to taste and judge for myself. They were close...but NOT QUITE there. haha. Sorry K. Love you :) Next year, we are going to have a mashed potato "smash off." My grandmother makes the best ones ever and we always try to replicate them...
I also started taking an antidepressant today. I was very against this idea, but I know I need it for a short period of time. Today wasn't a great day to start a new drug because the side effects caused me stomach issues and a loss of appetite...but my emotions have also been causing this, so hard to tell what caused what. Oh well. I'll give it time to see if it helps me function a bit better. I know I need something. Not forever, but for a while.
My psychiatrist said that maybe I was too strong during the months leading up until now and here's my time to break. It's common. It's natural. It's grief. I sort of had a delayed reaction emotionally. I hope he's right. I just want to get through it in one piece. Thank you so much to all of you for support and love. I need it. I just need to get better at accepting it and asking for it. One step and day at a time.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
turmoil
Everyday I wake up, I'm shaken and scared again. Is this really happening? One year ago, I had no idea how much my life would change in one night.
Thanksgiving will stir a lot of emotion for me and my family. I rented a car last year because Scott was too sick to drive his car (stick shift requiring a lot of work in rush hour traffic). I remember walking behind him at all times to ensure he didn't fall over or get too light-headed. I forget where we stopped to eat on the way to MI. I hate that I forget details. I want to cherish them all so badly. On Thanksgiving, my mom, sister and I cooked. We ate later than usual. I remember Scott eating a little turkey with gravy and a lot of mashed potatoes. It was 8 or 8:30 and I needed to drive Chaz home. Scott wanted to come but he was starting to feel sick. On the way to take Chaz home and on the way back all I could think was "please don't get sick, please don't get sick." I immediately rushed to the bedroom to where he was laying down and of course, he had gotten sick. This was my life. I was devastated. I knew that whatever was happening to him over the past couple of months hadn't gotten better. I needed to take serious action.
I was on the phone with UofM's ER, both medical and psychiatric divisions, trying to understand what course of action I needed to take. I had had it. I wanted him well and isn't UofM one of the best hospitals? With the help of my family, they encouraged me that this was the right thing. I told Scott that I was taking him the next morning to UofM and he wasn't happy. He blamed the mashed potatoes for making him sick. We fought. I hate that we fought but said we'll see how he feels in the morning. He was so sick, all night and on the way to the hospital, clearly he wasn't getting better. It wasn't the damn mashed potatoes. He insisted everytime he ate them, he got sick. I still haven't eaten mashed potatoes, nor do I think I ever will.
I always think I should've fucking fought harder for him at the hospital. We should've known his heart was bad. Why did they miss that? Because he was only 36. Fuck 36, you can still have heart disease. A good doctor would know better, considering we were on the cardiac floor (constantly hooked up to a heart rate monitor) and he complained of some chest pain, had tachycardia (fast heart rate) and was diabetic. Like do a fucking stress test. Damn. What a mess. I get so mad thinking about it now.
It's hard to think about "what I'm thankful for" when I'm so sad. I'm thankful for those who have supported me throughout all of this. I won't name names, you know who you are. But I can't help being really mad at the same time. Mad that this is my life. Mad that I have to wake up and keep moving, just to survive. Mad that I have to live with a huge hole in my heart and cannot function the way I once did. That's grief. You cannot accomplish what you were once able to when it hurts this bad. Will the day come where I can, yes, but I'm not there.
I'm not ready for a lot of things thanks to this thing called turmoil.
Thanksgiving will stir a lot of emotion for me and my family. I rented a car last year because Scott was too sick to drive his car (stick shift requiring a lot of work in rush hour traffic). I remember walking behind him at all times to ensure he didn't fall over or get too light-headed. I forget where we stopped to eat on the way to MI. I hate that I forget details. I want to cherish them all so badly. On Thanksgiving, my mom, sister and I cooked. We ate later than usual. I remember Scott eating a little turkey with gravy and a lot of mashed potatoes. It was 8 or 8:30 and I needed to drive Chaz home. Scott wanted to come but he was starting to feel sick. On the way to take Chaz home and on the way back all I could think was "please don't get sick, please don't get sick." I immediately rushed to the bedroom to where he was laying down and of course, he had gotten sick. This was my life. I was devastated. I knew that whatever was happening to him over the past couple of months hadn't gotten better. I needed to take serious action.
I was on the phone with UofM's ER, both medical and psychiatric divisions, trying to understand what course of action I needed to take. I had had it. I wanted him well and isn't UofM one of the best hospitals? With the help of my family, they encouraged me that this was the right thing. I told Scott that I was taking him the next morning to UofM and he wasn't happy. He blamed the mashed potatoes for making him sick. We fought. I hate that we fought but said we'll see how he feels in the morning. He was so sick, all night and on the way to the hospital, clearly he wasn't getting better. It wasn't the damn mashed potatoes. He insisted everytime he ate them, he got sick. I still haven't eaten mashed potatoes, nor do I think I ever will.
I always think I should've fucking fought harder for him at the hospital. We should've known his heart was bad. Why did they miss that? Because he was only 36. Fuck 36, you can still have heart disease. A good doctor would know better, considering we were on the cardiac floor (constantly hooked up to a heart rate monitor) and he complained of some chest pain, had tachycardia (fast heart rate) and was diabetic. Like do a fucking stress test. Damn. What a mess. I get so mad thinking about it now.
It's hard to think about "what I'm thankful for" when I'm so sad. I'm thankful for those who have supported me throughout all of this. I won't name names, you know who you are. But I can't help being really mad at the same time. Mad that this is my life. Mad that I have to wake up and keep moving, just to survive. Mad that I have to live with a huge hole in my heart and cannot function the way I once did. That's grief. You cannot accomplish what you were once able to when it hurts this bad. Will the day come where I can, yes, but I'm not there.
I'm not ready for a lot of things thanks to this thing called turmoil.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
pueblo bonita rose
I haven't been that impressed with the food here. It's been mediocre. We had a pasta dish as part of the Chef Selection menu at this restaurant that was really good. I've been gravitating towards lots of salads, margaritas and chips/salsa/guac. I've been eating plenty though. I think I've gained 5 pounds...hopefully it's all water weight from the salty margs and chips. haha.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
oh yeah...cabo
My trip to Cabo has been booked. So excited. I've wanted a vacation and needed a vacation, even before Scott's death, so now I'm glad it's finally been booked. My mom, sister and I will go to Cabo and completely lose ourselves to the beach, pool and virgin-drinks at all-inclusive resort. We even get beach beds and afternoon tea, if you want it. I'm mostly excited for a swim up bar, where my sister and I will order really fru-fru drinks, but skip the alcohol. I want a happy vacation and alcohol can be a depressant.
I bought THREE, yes THREE bathing suits today. They were all just so perfect. I am so excited to wear them and just do nothing but live in a bathing suit and read, read, read! Read in bed, read at the pool, read on the beach, read in hammocks, read wherever! Listen to music, eat great food and most importantly be with my mom and sister and try to heal. I know this isn't a "cure-all" by any means, but at least I can escape my day to day and enjoy some sunshine and much needed heat!
That is all.
I bought THREE, yes THREE bathing suits today. They were all just so perfect. I am so excited to wear them and just do nothing but live in a bathing suit and read, read, read! Read in bed, read at the pool, read on the beach, read in hammocks, read wherever! Listen to music, eat great food and most importantly be with my mom and sister and try to heal. I know this isn't a "cure-all" by any means, but at least I can escape my day to day and enjoy some sunshine and much needed heat!
That is all.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
when it hits, it hits
I sometimes have these moments where I think of all the things Scott will never get to do, see or try anymore. He'll never eat steak again, he'll never hear the Beatles, he'll never go to a concert, he'll never try a new restaurant, etc. etc. It can be so overwhelming. That's what happened at dinner tonight. Along with having a hard day of moving, I was just sitting there and looking around thinking "he will never see the inside of this place." It is all so sad. It hurts. The pain hasn't seem to have let up. It's almost like it's always there, but I can function better than I could last month. I don't want to have an underlying sadness the rest of my life.
I hope that's not the case, but if it is, then that's what it'll be. I cannot change anything. I just want to keep doing what I'm doing and I want time to pass by quickly. Although I've heard the "time-table" associated with grieving and it's a long process. I told my sister once that I wanted to sleep for two years and then be woken up...but she said, that would only delay the process by 2 years, which is right. I have to continue to live my life, day by day, breath by breath, and continue to have faith that I will get through this.
I'm thankful my mom and Steve are here to help me move. It might all hit me on Sunday when Mom leaves, but I will also be busy rock climbing. Hopefully that exhausts me and I will sleep like a baby. Wishful thinking...maybe. Anyways, the moral of the story is that you just never know when the sadness and pain will hit. While there is a constant sadness it's not like it was 2 months ago, when it does hit me hard, it's really hard. I feel myself just going into this dark place and getting really quiet. The tears come, then I feel like a moron for crying in a public restaurant, but I know that I cannot stop the tears. I don't want to stop the tears, otherwise I am stopping the emotion, which is not healthy.
AND, thank you to those who reached out to help me move. I greatly appreciate your offers and generosity. You know who you all are :) While I don't need help moving this time, I expect you ALL to come visit me at my new place to fill it with fun memories!!!!
I hope that's not the case, but if it is, then that's what it'll be. I cannot change anything. I just want to keep doing what I'm doing and I want time to pass by quickly. Although I've heard the "time-table" associated with grieving and it's a long process. I told my sister once that I wanted to sleep for two years and then be woken up...but she said, that would only delay the process by 2 years, which is right. I have to continue to live my life, day by day, breath by breath, and continue to have faith that I will get through this.
I'm thankful my mom and Steve are here to help me move. It might all hit me on Sunday when Mom leaves, but I will also be busy rock climbing. Hopefully that exhausts me and I will sleep like a baby. Wishful thinking...maybe. Anyways, the moral of the story is that you just never know when the sadness and pain will hit. While there is a constant sadness it's not like it was 2 months ago, when it does hit me hard, it's really hard. I feel myself just going into this dark place and getting really quiet. The tears come, then I feel like a moron for crying in a public restaurant, but I know that I cannot stop the tears. I don't want to stop the tears, otherwise I am stopping the emotion, which is not healthy.
AND, thank you to those who reached out to help me move. I greatly appreciate your offers and generosity. You know who you all are :) While I don't need help moving this time, I expect you ALL to come visit me at my new place to fill it with fun memories!!!!
moving: day one
The day is here. Knowing that I am moving from the place where Scott and I lived to a smaller one bedroom. It's really fucked up in a way. I'm moving because he died. Scott and I had agreed to stay here one more year while his health got better, although it would literally cost an arm and a leg. It's what I did for him, anything that I could. If I could take one less stress from him I would, and I did. I'm happy to know that I did that for him. He needed it. He worried about enough and I tried to take on as much as I could. Which might not have been the healthiest approach for me, but it's the truth. In due time, I will be forced to take care of myself and will learn how to balance my needs with the needs of others.
I'm mixed emotions today. I feel sad, but other times I'm so busy, that I don't feel anything. I just unloaded a lot of art and music books that I elected to keep to put on display. They make me smile because in a lot of instances I remember buying the books with Scott, however some are older and I look forward to reading them. He wasn't into reading, he was a picture guy. So I now have a lot of pretty picture books :)
I didn't realize how much shit I actually had. Here I was, all these years telling Scott he had a lot of shit. Well we both did. I'm trying to get rid of a lot. Like clothes. I have literally gone through my clothes 4 times leading up to today and there is still too much. Why do I need all this stuff??? So I'm getting rid of even more. It's hard for me to part ways with clothes. I always think "oh maybe I'll wear it next year." Not the case. I got rid of it!
My new apartment also has less storage so that has been a chore, just making sure everything has a home (bathroom stuff, laundry stuff, cleaning supplies, lightbulbs, etc.). I like everything to have a home and be tucked away out of site, but I think I did it! haha. I still have some boxes to unpack so who knows where that stuff will go.
Alright, well I wanted to post to get some emotions out. I'm not really thinking today. I'm just doing. Tomorrow will be harder, I know that for a fact. I will miss the memories we shared in our apartment. But, I think the new place will help me to start focusing on me for a change.
I'm mixed emotions today. I feel sad, but other times I'm so busy, that I don't feel anything. I just unloaded a lot of art and music books that I elected to keep to put on display. They make me smile because in a lot of instances I remember buying the books with Scott, however some are older and I look forward to reading them. He wasn't into reading, he was a picture guy. So I now have a lot of pretty picture books :)
I didn't realize how much shit I actually had. Here I was, all these years telling Scott he had a lot of shit. Well we both did. I'm trying to get rid of a lot. Like clothes. I have literally gone through my clothes 4 times leading up to today and there is still too much. Why do I need all this stuff??? So I'm getting rid of even more. It's hard for me to part ways with clothes. I always think "oh maybe I'll wear it next year." Not the case. I got rid of it!
My new apartment also has less storage so that has been a chore, just making sure everything has a home (bathroom stuff, laundry stuff, cleaning supplies, lightbulbs, etc.). I like everything to have a home and be tucked away out of site, but I think I did it! haha. I still have some boxes to unpack so who knows where that stuff will go.
Alright, well I wanted to post to get some emotions out. I'm not really thinking today. I'm just doing. Tomorrow will be harder, I know that for a fact. I will miss the memories we shared in our apartment. But, I think the new place will help me to start focusing on me for a change.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
what I read at Scott's funeral
I wrote this a couple of days before I knew I had to see my baby again, but this time, instead of a corpse, I would be looking at a "pretend" version of the normal Scott. Nothing could prepare me for him laying in a casket, other than at least he would look more normal than the way I found him in my apartment. One of the most difficult speeches I will ever give in my life. I will never have a fear of speaking in a large crowd again. I got through it, with my needed breaks and deep breaths...damn I miss him.
My dearest Scott,
First and foremost I love you and will always love you. You and I are one and there will always be a piece of me that is missing now that you're gone. That's how we were, we did everything together and hated to be apart. You were more than my fiance, you were my best friend. The love we have is so rare and I will cherish what we have forever in my heat, mind and body.
You are an amazing, gentle and often-times quiet person, unless you were telling me about a new pair of shoes, car parts, music, Cubs or artwork. you have a huge heart and taught me how to be a better person simply by showing me what true love is. You changed me for the better and I am now stronger than I was when we fist met. I will always have that.
Your life was taken away too soon. We went through so much the past six months with you being so sick. We fought it together and did everything we could. And just when it seemed things were getting better, you were taken from me. I will forever be grateful that we had such a wonderful and special night on Saturday.
I wish we could still do all the things we talked about doing together. We just spoke last week about me learning to drive your car. We tried once, but as you know, I was sweating profusely because I was scared I would hurt your prized possession. We talked about me trying on Brian's car this summer then starting to learn how to handle your high performance clutch. I promise you that I will learn. I will learn for you...because I love you and because it will be another little piece of you that will be with me forever.
I am so glad we have Jasper (our kitten) together. You always told me you could tell how much I love him by the look on my face when I hold him. I will take good care of him and he will keep your memory alive for me.
One of the most endearing qualities you have is being a great father to Chaz. I promise to make sure you're still a piece of Chaz and will always be a part of his life because I know that is what you would want. Chaz, your Dad loved you more than anything in this world and would do anything for you so I promise to continue doing whatever you need. I love you.
Thank you for giving me the best years and days of my life, Scott. I wish I could give you one more kiss...hold you one more time. I miss you with every breath I take. I love you, pumpkin.
I wanted to say thank you to all those who have shown their love and support for Scott. Scott wasn't afraid of dying, but he was worried about what would happen to me and Chaz. I know through the amazing friends and family of both Scott and me, that we will be okay. Please stay in our lives and help keep his memory alive.
Scott's tattoo that we got in LA one year said "Fallen Angel." He has fallen, but he has risen up to. He is in a place with no worries, pain or suffering and for that I am grateful. As much as I need him, I need the peace of knowing that he's in a better place.
I know my life has forever changed, but Scott is at peace...free of pain and with John, his good friend who passed a year and a half ago. I hope they have a blast together and look down on us and help get us through the pain of our loss.
Thank you. I love you all.
My dearest Scott,
First and foremost I love you and will always love you. You and I are one and there will always be a piece of me that is missing now that you're gone. That's how we were, we did everything together and hated to be apart. You were more than my fiance, you were my best friend. The love we have is so rare and I will cherish what we have forever in my heat, mind and body.
You are an amazing, gentle and often-times quiet person, unless you were telling me about a new pair of shoes, car parts, music, Cubs or artwork. you have a huge heart and taught me how to be a better person simply by showing me what true love is. You changed me for the better and I am now stronger than I was when we fist met. I will always have that.
Your life was taken away too soon. We went through so much the past six months with you being so sick. We fought it together and did everything we could. And just when it seemed things were getting better, you were taken from me. I will forever be grateful that we had such a wonderful and special night on Saturday.
I wish we could still do all the things we talked about doing together. We just spoke last week about me learning to drive your car. We tried once, but as you know, I was sweating profusely because I was scared I would hurt your prized possession. We talked about me trying on Brian's car this summer then starting to learn how to handle your high performance clutch. I promise you that I will learn. I will learn for you...because I love you and because it will be another little piece of you that will be with me forever.
I am so glad we have Jasper (our kitten) together. You always told me you could tell how much I love him by the look on my face when I hold him. I will take good care of him and he will keep your memory alive for me.
One of the most endearing qualities you have is being a great father to Chaz. I promise to make sure you're still a piece of Chaz and will always be a part of his life because I know that is what you would want. Chaz, your Dad loved you more than anything in this world and would do anything for you so I promise to continue doing whatever you need. I love you.
Thank you for giving me the best years and days of my life, Scott. I wish I could give you one more kiss...hold you one more time. I miss you with every breath I take. I love you, pumpkin.
I wanted to say thank you to all those who have shown their love and support for Scott. Scott wasn't afraid of dying, but he was worried about what would happen to me and Chaz. I know through the amazing friends and family of both Scott and me, that we will be okay. Please stay in our lives and help keep his memory alive.
Scott's tattoo that we got in LA one year said "Fallen Angel." He has fallen, but he has risen up to. He is in a place with no worries, pain or suffering and for that I am grateful. As much as I need him, I need the peace of knowing that he's in a better place.
I know my life has forever changed, but Scott is at peace...free of pain and with John, his good friend who passed a year and a half ago. I hope they have a blast together and look down on us and help get us through the pain of our loss.
Thank you. I love you all.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
outside my comfort zone
So in talking to my friend Brian tonight, here's a list of all the things we have lined up:
1. Rock climbing
2. Help sell his car (he is in the process of buying Scott's car, which warms my heart)
3. Clean his house (if needed. hehe)
4. Decorate his new apartment
5. Help consult with his new biz idea
6. Mountain biking
7. Learn to drive a manual transmission (I owe it to Scott to learn on B's car and Scott's car (see below))
#1, #6 and #7 are going to really push me outside my comfort zone, which I am really looking forward to. I look forward to accomplishing all these things. While it's scary, it's also exciting. I want to know that I can climb a wall and then climb a harder wall and continue to challenge myself. Same with Mountain Biking. B is definitely already heavily involved in this sport and I'm looking forward to him teaching me the ways. Yes, there will be bumps and bruises, but I know I'm tough and what a wonderful way to get in touch with nature and let my mind free.
Tonight started as a bad night, but turned into a good one. I made a list of "to dos" and also had a great conversation with my brother who lives in San Fran. We had lost touch, but we're on the road to fixing our relationship and that means the world to me. We are family and family matters so much.
I always have said, good will come from tragedy and it's starting to happen.
1. Rock climbing
2. Help sell his car (he is in the process of buying Scott's car, which warms my heart)
3. Clean his house (if needed. hehe)
4. Decorate his new apartment
5. Help consult with his new biz idea
6. Mountain biking
7. Learn to drive a manual transmission (I owe it to Scott to learn on B's car and Scott's car (see below))
#1, #6 and #7 are going to really push me outside my comfort zone, which I am really looking forward to. I look forward to accomplishing all these things. While it's scary, it's also exciting. I want to know that I can climb a wall and then climb a harder wall and continue to challenge myself. Same with Mountain Biking. B is definitely already heavily involved in this sport and I'm looking forward to him teaching me the ways. Yes, there will be bumps and bruises, but I know I'm tough and what a wonderful way to get in touch with nature and let my mind free.Tonight started as a bad night, but turned into a good one. I made a list of "to dos" and also had a great conversation with my brother who lives in San Fran. We had lost touch, but we're on the road to fixing our relationship and that means the world to me. We are family and family matters so much.
I always have said, good will come from tragedy and it's starting to happen.
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