the reason

Today in IOP I "presented" a problem. It's the third part of the day and usually someone presents a problem and the group helps "solve the problem" through a series of events. Well today was my day. My therapist has been wanting me to present and so I finally did. I felt good today. I felt energized. I had a good night with two good friends. I could feel their love and support, which gave me strength that I could do this today.

I had an epic breakdown reliving Scott's death. I have flashbacks pretty bad lately and today it was so real, as I was explaining it. I could barely breathe, but everyone hung to my every word. I could tell there was pain in the eyes of everyone looking at me. Sometimes I feel like a loser for being so sad, but when I see the reaction I saw today, I know that it's okay to be where I am. To sit in the pain. And to not fight the pain.

Someone told me I was a remarkable person. Before even getting on with how the process works, he just had to tell me this. Someone who is so depressed himself, but could put everything aside and tell me I was remarkable. I loved it. It felt amazing. I had stopped believing. Another person told me they were so impressed I was still vertical. This was the worst year of my life and to expect it to get worse as I near Christmas and the anniversary of his death. That is what I presented. I was looking for new techniques and tools to get through this time. I got a LOT of solid advice and great alternatives to what I'm currently using for coping skills. I've done so much work this year on myself and am blessed, truly blessed to have had today.

I feel like they gave me strength that I couldn't give myself. Strength from people who I barely know, but love deeply because we share such a bond. I hope to continue these relationships because what we shared today will forever be in my heart. It was magical.

I don't want to disclose too much information because it's private as to who all I interact with and why people are there. So sorry this is a bit vague. It's hard to even explain the way I feel. I'm sad right now but happy at the same time. I'm okay being miserable right now. Because I know it's what I need. I know I'll be okay.

I love you Scott. I love you Tyler. I think you guys have given me strength in ways I cannot even describe. I will always miss you, but keep your memories close to my heart.

It was ironic that "The Reason" by Hoobastank came on today when I was headed home. It was one of my favorite songs that Scott would sing. He sang it so well, it was seriously beautiful...and when you listen to the lyrics, it's quite incredible what the message is saying..."I'm sorry that I hurt you, it's something I must live with everyday. And all the pain I put you through, I wish that I could take it all away...and be the one who catches all your tears, that's why I need you to hear..."

It's almost like he was talking to me. Saying he was sorry for dying. Sorry that I was in pain. He is the reason I am in pain, but he's also the reason that I will be stronger.

Remembering 9/11/01

Today is the 10 year anniversary of 9/11/01. I remember seeing the first plane hit as I was getting ready for one of my classes at Western, but had to rush out the door. I thought it was a freak accident. By the time that class was over, the second plane had hit and we were under a terrorist attack. All I could think about was Steve. I knew he lived very close to the Towers. I was in my second class and was trying to call him, and then classes were cancelled for the day and I finally got a hold of him when I went outside. It was music to my ears to hear his voice. He was okay.

I sat and stared at the TV for countless hours. Shocked that this was really happening.

As I sit here today, I never knew how much I would relate to those who lost loved ones. Your husband, wife, father, mother or friend all went to work that morning and you expected them to come home. You expected life. Yet it was taken away so abruptly and tragically. I know what this is like now and my heart is literally empty today for all of those who have experienced such loss.

Today is the first day I'm paying attention to the media coverage. I've been avoiding it. Like a 20 year old said during an interview, he lost his father on 9/11, "anniversaries don't mean anything because you still think of them everyday." He's right. It's still another day of the loss you felt the day before and will continue to experience the rest of your life.

Grieving doesn't appear to have an end.

tired

I'm reading a book from a lady who tragically lost her husband, it's called 'Signs of Life: A Memoir' by Natalie Taylor. She's from MI and it's the first book I've actually read and continued to read since Scott's passing.

I relate to how she views grief. She says it's like losing an arm. Some days you are like "okay, I can do this" and other days you say "what the hell? I cannot fucking live like this!" Well, I put my own spin on her words, but her words are exactly right. I wish there was a reason to why some days are okay, and other days are not. I wish I knew what would trigger me today versus tomorrow. I could look at the same things all day today and be fine, then those same things I looked at the day before, could put me into a severe bout of grief.

It's tiring. I'm tired from it. I am having a hard time functioning, yet again. Or caring about certain things, for that matter. I want to fly away and escape from my mind. It's so frustrating. All so fucking frustrating how it controls my life, I cannot control it yet. I'm not sure that I will try because when I do, it usually comes back to bite me a lot harder...

If you're going through hell, keep going. -Winston Churchill

i'm not okay...i am okay...i'm not okay...

I need to be open about my latest wave of grief. About two weeks ago in therapy, I discovered that I have a LOT of self blame. This feeling initially happened after I learned HOW Scott died and I thought I got over it, but yet I didn't. In my subconscious, I feel that I could have done more.

And I will tell you that I KNOW I did everything I could to save him, I was fighting with all my heart and that it wasn't my fault, however I cannot neglect these genuine feelings that I have, as irrational as they might be. It's all part of the process so bare with me.

I cannot focus on "it wasn't your fault Grayson." I have to focus what I feel today and that is that I blame myself and have a lot of guilt about his death. It is affecting every aspect of my life. It's holding me back from being happy to my core and happy about life and happy to be where I am. I have not let go of Scott as I feel I failed him. If you feel you fail someone, it's almost like it hurts so bad that I don't deserve to feel happy. It's a tough emotion to discuss to be honest.

There is no magical answer as to "when" this feeling will pass. I need to write. I need to feel. I need to hit a fucking low, which I'm in. I'm allowing myself an open mind to think really bad things, because I think it will help me. If you say sorry enough, maybe that will help. You just have to fucking sit with the guilt and the pain for it to ease. And as they say, time does help grief. I HATE that saying. It annoys me. I don't want time. I want to snap my fingers and be myself. That won't happen. I'm learning about myself and I'm allowing myself to feel what I need to feel and that is that I blame me.

I feel like I let him down. His son, his family. I let myself down. I wanted to save him, but maybe he didn't want to be saved. I fought as if I were sick, when I wasn't. I was so consumed by him. He was my addiction and now I'll never get my fix. My fix has to come in other ways and they have to be for ME, not through someone else, as co-dependent as I am (another fun thing to work on once this passes!!).

My sister told me last weekend how proud of me she was because I was so self-aware. I've never been this self-aware in my life. I've always neglected myself and helped others. Scott's death has forced me to examine my own life, which adds another layer of pain to the grief. It felt good to hear she was proud of me though. My sister and I have an amazing relationship and she's the one person I know will understand my pain. She gets it. She listens. She knows it fucking sucks. Without her, I"m not sure how this journey would've played out. I love you K.

She also sent me an image of a magnet she saw. It says "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." I need to fix myself in order to create myself because for the first time in probably 15 years, I am me. Not Grayson, me.

7-10-11

Today is your birthday. Although it's not really a day to celebrate for me. What becomes of your birthday? I think in time I will be able to think of this day as a celebratory day...but today it's not. Today is a day when we should've been in LA. Should have been reliving our engagement a year ago...today. Today is a weird day.

I'm in Chicago, surrounded by love, but you're not here. Maybe you're with me and I don't even know it. Maybe you're not.

I am going to Bahai temple today to grieve. I've never heard of this place, however I hear it's beautiful and very spiritual. It's a place where I want to remember your life and remember how you loved me and tell myself that you're exactly where you need to be.

I don't even know if I can say happy birthday, as I cannot celebrate your birth because your death is still too fresh. Six months today. At this time 6 months ago you were pronounced DOA. A day that I will never forget, but a day that has forever changed my life, as you know.

RIP Pumpkin. You're always on my mind, especially today.

(I will write more later. I know I will be hit with a lot of emotion and sadness when I'm at the temple...)

and...it's the 6 month anniversary

January 9, 2011 was the day I found him dead. Today is July 9, 2011.

I get confused is it the date or the day? Who cares. It's fucking here.  My life has changed for sure. I'm trying to focus on those changes because they bring me happiness. They are love.

I'm thankful my mom is here this weekend. She's always here. She's been by my side my entire life, but even moreso over the last 9 or 10 months starting when Scott was so sick. I'm a lucky girl to have the relationship I do with her. She will do anything for me that I need, even when I don't know what that is.

Today, we're going furniture shopping for a new shelving unit. I need a large new item of furniture that I can make all mine. 100% Grayson. Hello Kitty is probably going to be included in some type of figurine. Why? Cause I love Hello Kitty and because it's what I want. I'm looking forward to starting to piece my life together in my way, on my time table.

I've grown. I'm aware of me, yet there's still a lot of learning to do...

a year ago today...

Well, the day is here (sort of). One year ago today, I was flying to LA, for what I thought was just another annual trip, although deep down, I had hoped the ring was coming.

I've been up since 3:30am today. Maybe because we took the early flight a year ago, maybe because a lot of things. I'm sad. I wish I could say goodbye. I should be in LA right now.

Tomorrow is the official date in which we got engaged and his birthday, but today is Saturday and we left on Saturday last year.

I've been trying to fill a void all week. It cannot be filled. The void is Scott. The void hurts. Looking for an itch and not being able to scratch it 24 hours a day. I try to run, layout, read, etc. and nothing works. I want to smoke. That won't work. Nothing will work. I'm missing him in a new way now. I'm missing him because I know he's gone and won't come back. Before when I missed Scott, I was aching for him to hold me, kiss me, touch me, and I thought he would come back because I was in denial. Now I know. Now my reality is he's dead. I've accepted that.

My therapist pointed out when I said "I'm so low and depressed" that I'm not depressed and I haven't reached a new low. I'm grieving and the low feels so low because the feelings are so strong because this is my reality now. I know he's gone. Whereas before, I didn't know what to feel. It was such a tragedy, such a fucking loss and blow to my heart. I know everything now so when Monday night I couldn't breathe or stop crying, that was because the feelings were so fucking strong they were pretty much knocking me out.

This is no joke. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be done with it all. Fuck no it doesn't work that way. I sometimes feel like I'm dwelling, I'm not. I'm grieving. I've accepted that. I often wonder if others around me understand that. More on that later.

So here we are, the weekend when I thought my life was changing for the better. Yet 6 months ago, my life fell apart. I've put pieces in place for a new life, but my new life isn't on full throttle or cruise control yet. It's still a walking disaster sometimes. Life is hard. While I'm so thankful of what I have in my life, meaning Brian and my wonderful friends  and family, I hate to know what I had to go through to get here. Someday, I know I will see all the good that comes from grieving, whereas now I only see snippets and it's even harder to see when you're sad.

I need to live in the now because when I don't, I think too much about "what I should be doing" or "is this right" or "is that wrong...." It's a slippery slope and I'm so fucking ready for it to be normal, however my normal might not ever be so normal.

More to come as the feelings come this weekend. I wasn't expecting to feel the sadness today, I just cannot help but think of Scott and I heading in a cab to LA, then him proposing and my mom walking around the corner for the ultimate surprise. He knew me well and loved me deeply. That is what I miss the most.

a new low, 6 month approaches...

The six month anniversary of Scott's death is on Saturday. A year ago on Saturday, I was flying to LA, getting engaged and celebrating his birthday. The day is jam-packed with memories and now, it holds even more. The most crude memory I could ever ask for on a day that was one of the best days of my life. I will cherish that day forever, but it will also cause me so much pain as the pain is almost unbearable now. 

This feeling has been brewing since my birthday and Father's Day. The end of June through July 10th. I knew this time would be hard, but I didn't realize how hard it would hit me. I literally feel as though Scott died today. Just hearing the news. I am shocked. I don't know what I need. I don't know what to do. I know I need to take care of me, but what the fuck does that mean when the pain hurts so bad? If someone could answer that, I swear you would be known as a "God" among grievers. 

Last night I was getting nail polish out of a cabinet and stumbled across a pair of Scott's glasses. So I opened them and notice smudges on the glasses. I could see a smudge where my nose had hit the glasses, from kissing him. There was some normal debris from wearing glasses along the nose area and it was HIS debris. His skin. Him. It hurts so bad. How was he taken away so quickly? I don't understand how the pain can come back so strongly again. It feels so raw and so fresh. I thought the last six months I had healed some. It sure as fuck doesn't feel like that today. Is this only a quick, temporary lapse in time? It hurts so bad, straight to my core. I'm a walking zombie today.

I tried to go to work, however that was dumb considering I could barely open my eyes they were so swollen from tears. I sit down at work, type a few emails and then the tears are uncontrollable. I came home and tried to sleep some of the sadness away, however I woke up and it's still there. This is a pain that will not go away. You cannot snap your fingers or distract yourself. Nothing will take the pain away. You just have to sit in it and hope to whoever (not God in my case) you're strong enough to get through. It holds you captive. It doesn't let go as much as you want to push it off. It won't budge. I imagine it to be like wanting to run away from someone trying to stab you, however you can't move and you're just forced to take all the stabs...however I'm thinking that might eventually feel numb. This feeling doesn't feel numb. I feel numb to those around me, however the feeling is there again. 

I feel like I'm in the black hole that I worked so hard to get out of. I feel so confused by life and the path that I'm on. I honestly feel lost and so alone, yet again. I don't understand this. I don't understand why it has to be this way. 

I wish he would show me a sign. Show me a sign that he is okay. He is in a better place. I feel like I need him to tell me that he's okay. I don't feel I can keep moving on sometimes until I know that he is. I know this won't happen. I know I have to be the one to move on. He isn't here to tell me that it's okay. I have to make it okay. That was my relationship with him, always making sure he was okay and now I can't do that. I wish someone could tell me it will be okay. They can, but how do you believe what you can't feel yourself? 

Here it is again. Slapped in the face with the most unbearable pain. 

upcoming dates without him

All I can think about lately are these key dates that are quickly approaching. Father's Day is Sunday, my birthday is next Thursday and then Scott's birthday and our engagement is July 10th.

It makes me sad. Very sad actually that he won't be here for Father's Day. It was always a big day for him to spend with Chaz. He was such an amazing father and I hate that Chaz doesn't have his dad physically here anymore. It breaks my heart because I've never seen love the way I saw Scott loving his son. It was magical. I always envied that love but realize it's a special love between a father and son.

I started this post before work and now it's 10pm. I had therapy today and couldn't go back to work afterwards. I was so sad. So sick of feeling the way that I do. So tired of always being emotional and feeling lost within myself. I feel like I'm an emotional basket case and I fear this is the "new me." My therapist reassured me, it's not. I'm grieving. I've suffered great loss. Only time will help.

I often get annoyed with the assumptions that "I'm okay." Just because I smile and can laugh, doesn't mean I'm happy. I still fucking hurt every single day. This is what I hate. I want it to be over. I don't want to have to hurt everyday. I miss him. And missing him hurts me. It sometimes just feels like a big slap in the face.

I am breaking down. I'm allowing the time I need to break down. I need to be alone, so I'm alone. I'm taking care of me. I'm feeling what I need to feel, although it still hurts. It's like being sick but not knowing what you need to get better. "Time heals" is the worst fucking saying ever. I hate it. I'm ready to get on with my life, yet I cannot speed up this process like I wish I could. That's my personality. I just have to sit back and let it control my life. I cannot control this. I can only TRY to live with it and not piss off a lot of people along the way :)

This is why grieving sucks. I'm glad the name of my blog still makes sense.

roller coaster. I want off.

I need to post more often. I think about it, but I don't do it. I want to do other things sometimes, not just focus on my feelings, however I have noticed that I am neglecting my feelings a bit.

Last week was a rough week emotionally. Work was really getting to me, but it's gotten much better now. I am re-energized to be here and do what I know I can do well. It feels really good, I'm glad the feeling is back cause I was a little worried.

Sometimes I am still really sad. It's because I've had enough. I'm emotionally drained. I've said that before prior to all of these tragedies happening in my life and now I can truly say it because I get what it means. I cannot process additional emotions well right now. My therapist told me not to make any major decisions for 3 months and she's right. I have so many things running around in my head, but I need to let them run around a bit longer. I need the next 3 months to be the most rewarding months of my life. Yes there will be hurdles, but I want it clear of tragedies and unexpected loss. I want to know that I can be okay again. While I know I will be, it's sometimes hard to remain positive since the loss of my brother. It was even more of a slap in the face that life sucks and I certainly don't want this to always be my life. I don't want to fear the worse, however how can I not? It's really hard to be optimistic at times, which is new to me.I hate that. I sort of hate how Tyler's death affected me. It made me more negative and bitter, which are feelings that will go away, I'm just angry...it's all part of this grieving process.

I find myself wanting to just live, forgetting about everything that has happened. But, I don't think that's possible. When I do that, there is always irrational behavior involved where I take my subconscious feelings out on someone else. Basically, I'm not dealing with my feelings. I think I need to write more. I need to release what I feel to feel better.

While I have started to run a lot more, I'm not sure that running will release this level of emotions. There seem to be so many, heightened to a degree of non-normal. This is what I wish would subside. I just want to be normal again. Although I was never normal, would love to go back to my baseline emotional level. That would be ideal. I don't want to always be an emotional roller-coaster, never knowing if I'll be spinning, up, down, left, ride, sideways, etc.

make it stop.

My head is so foggy today. I have done this before. Headed back to work after a death. It's complicated. I don't feel focused or energized to be here. I feel lost and overwhelmed with what I missed and how to get back on track. It's amazing how life moves forward when tragedy happens. For me, life seems to stop, then you have to run to catch up on what you've missed. I hate that feeling.

There's nothing you can really do about it, except accept it. Sometimes I want to be so negative and let my emotions take over. I'm frustrated that this is all happening. This is all so real and feels surreal

My perspective drastically changed when Scott passed, now the feeling is even more valid with Tyler's passing. Things just don't matter the way they once did. Will they ever? I don't know. It was getting better, but then Tyler died and it all kind of hit again. It's a challenging mind game, but hopefully as my life continues to move forward, this will get easier.

I love where my life is going, yet it was a really painful way to get here and I want the pain to stop. I want to be happy everyday. I want life to be easy, however I'm not sure what "easy" is. I don't think that exists for anyone to be honest. Maybe "easier" is the better word. I wish I could snap my fingers and my head would clear. There is so much noise in there as I figure out my life. I'm along for the ride, but I sure as hell hope the cruise control is set to happy for a while.

a sad day review

Today was really hard, obviously. The funeral was at a church so different than a funeral home. Different meaning, it was unknown to me the "process" of how it all worked. The family stayed off in a room while friends gathered in the church. The chorus began singing and the family was escorted to the front of the church. All eyes starring. It was very sad. I was sobbing the entire time. I didn't like being the center of the stage for all people to see. Wasn't I supposed to be walking down a wedding aisle?

Tyler's two girl friends sang a Jimmy Eat World song called "Hear You Me." It is one of my favorite songs and it reminded me a lot of Scott since he was a Jimmy Eat World fan as well. I had an epic breakdown because it was sang acoustic style and Katy sang it beautifully. I will cherish that song even more now.

We spent the day in Fort Worth at my stepsisters house with the Ellwood family. It was nice, but I needed to be alone for a bit. We came back to the hotel and I immediately went to the pool. I needed it. I still need it. I need a major decompression. I'm so sick of feeling sad. I'm sick of the stress it's causing me. It's making it hard for me to think rationally and I get bent out of shape over the smallest of things. My anxiety is at an all time high. I hope that I stabilize a bit when I get home to Chicago. I need to relax...somehow. I think there is pooltime in my near future for sure.

After the pool, we got my brother and went to dinner. It was so nice. It was nice to see him smile and be the typical witty Charles that I love so much. I'm so thankful that I was able to spend a lot of time with him. He's such a special soul. I worry about him deeply. How can I not? I want to make sure he's okay every single day!

Now, as I am sitting in the hotel writing, my anxiety is high. I hated saying goodbye to my brother and saying goodbye forever to my other brother. I had a moment on the elevator where I felt like the walls were closing in on me. It was a weird physical experience. I am at an emotional breaking point. I think I've had all I can take. Life cannot give me more. This is it for a while. My plate is completely full.

I hate knowing I'll never see him again. I wish I could sit him down one more time. I wish I could hear him laugh one more time. I said the same things about Scott. Cherish every moment you have with those you love. Honestly. I need to take my own advice too. Once my stress levels return to normal, I will be able to do this. Right now, I'm too fucking heightened by life.

Can't deal!

funeral 2

As I'm getting ready to attend my second funeral of the year, I cannot help but be reminded of my feelings on January 15th. Granted, I was on auto-pilot that day. Literally people telling me what moves to make and today I am not like that. Today I can think. Today I have an open mind and a clear head. Ready for what the day might bring.

I need to remember to stay focused on myself and not what others are saying or what others are not saying. I cannot grieve for others. I can only grieve for myself. That's very important to understand and remember. I do think there is a right and wrong way to grieve and the wrong way is NOT grieving, which so many people around me are doing. That is what is so upsetting.

Here we go.

again. here we go.

So here I am. In Michigan. For a funeral. I've been through this before. I'm here to travel with my family to Texas tomorrow morning. I hate that I'm attending another funeral. I hate that this is truly happening, this is my reality right now. I wish I could curl into a little ball. I truly do.

My emotions are so raw. My patience is so thin. I don't have it in me to do this again, yet I know I will. I cannot guarantee I'll be able to attend all the dinners and shit, but I can promise that I'm there for my other brother, Charles. I want to be his rock. His guiding light if you will. That will give me strength, knowing that I am helping him. I cannot bullshit. I won't act fake. I am me now. I'm an emotional, straight-forward, direct "hot mess." I cannot sugar-coat. And where I'm going, I'll need to do this, and I know I can't, which is why there are some "gatherings" that I might not be able to do. I'm glad Casey and I have our own rental car. We can whisk Charles away and do whatever. If he wants. I just need to be flexible I guess. Flexible to heal. Flexible to my emotions and what I need. I'm still on a really emotional ride and I fear if I'm not careful, I might not be going in the direction I want to go.

I feel pretty confident that I'm aware of what I am feeling. I know it's okay if I cannot attend everything. What's important is that I'm there for  the loss of Tyler and for Charles, however he might need me. I will do my best. That's all I will ever give.

strength & sadness

I do not know where I find the strength to stand sometimes. I don't want my strength to be tested any further. I get it, I'm strong. I'm sick of it. I want to fall apart, but it's almost like I don't know how. Where some people cannot find strength to carry-on, I do not feel as though I can find weakness.

The weakness is making me stronger. The pain is making me stronger. I am really struggling, but somehow managing to move forward.

I fear what the weekend brings. I fear what will happen to me emotionally knowing I'm at a funeral. What feelings will resurface? This will truly be a test in my opinion of how far I've come. I know how low the lows can be. I never want to go back there. I cannot avoid it if it happens, but I will do all that I can to stay away from that. I have to remember and feel the strength of how far I've come. Grieving is an intense fucking process that has no rules. It's almost like your mind makes the rules for you as you go. It's hard to explain.

Life has a completely new perspective for me. When Scott died, it opened my eyes to many things, now they are really wide open. However, I am having a better time managing my frustration by knowing that not everyone has the same perspective on life as I do.

I am so sad today. Really down, but still moving. Not knowing what I need, except time I guess.

my mission

The more I think about my journey, the more I want to help others. Grieving is so complex, but also simple in knowing the underlying feeling of loss. When grieving is unexpected, I think there are different emotions at play, however this is where I would love to do some research. I want to change lives. I want to become an expert. I want to put my stamp on this world because I know that I can relate. I have always wanted to help people, whether drug addicts or people who were abused, but I couldn't really relate, except for reading, but now I can relate. That's is driving me toward this. Driving me towards change.

And I don't want to do anything small, I want to make a big impact, which will require a lot of thinking and researching to understand how this can happen. I know there is a huge opportunity out there for what I want to do, it's just a matter of discovering the best path forward.

I have faith in myself. I am proud of my journey. I will never forget the feelings I have experienced, ever. I will not lose sight of what I have been through because I now carry it with me everywhere I go. Scott was a special person. My heart will always be hurt and feel the loss of his love.

I see the light

I didn't think I would ever get out of this tunnel, I am happy to say that I do see glimmers of light about my future. I understand that everyday will have it's challenges, I also fully understand that I will be okay.
My grieving process started in November, because by this time, I thought I had really lost my Scott. I remember having him, as himself, in July. I feel like it all went downhill from there. It's painful how it all happened so fast, but as I think through 2010, I think there were signs as early as January that his health was declining. I can't go back and change anything. I cannot beat myself up about what I've pieced together between his death and now. I can only know and hope and he is okay now.

The focus has to come back to myself and I need to make sure that I am okay. It's very hard for me to do so. I get so caught up in helping others (just in general) that I can easily lose track of me. I will work on this and continue to do so, as long as it takes. My natural instinct to help and be a caretaker is a quality that I admire in myself, however finding the right balance is where I struggle.

I'm so happy that I have a therapist who will help me and who supports me. It makes this process a little bit more manageable to know that I'm doing well and I'm human and I'm ALIVE.

no news is not good news

I called the ME today, but left a voicemail letting him know to call me only when he has resolution on Scott's death. I am ready to know. It will help me in this process if I know and it's not delayed any longer. I once thought that I didn't want to know, but now I know that it's time.

I thought a lot today about how far I've come. And what many don't know is that I have been grieving even before Scott died. I can honestly say that I didn't have my Scott since July/August. It's been that long. Almost a year. I am so thankful of the last night we spent together. My therapist said that your body can naturally "wake up" from being comatose before you die. Weird. I need to research that. So maybe that's what happened on that Saturday night. He seemed like him again. My hopes were up, but we all know what happened.

As I was walking home from therapy, it hit me that I know that I've come a long way from where I was and I will continue to keep moving forward. I am honest with myself and very self-aware of the fact that I need to take care of myself first and foremost and focus on developing really great friendships, which I have started. It's so hard for me to pick up the phone and say "I need you to come over because I am so alone." But this step, will help me. It will allow me to know that I have friends who are there for me. It might be uncomfortable, but it's a step I must learn and learn to do well.

His memories are starting to make me smile, as opposed to making me angry or sad. I like hearing others tell me about their memories of Scott. That's how he keeps living, through talking about him and keeping our memories of him alive.

My therapist made a good point today. She said "when you're married and have kids, you will still miss him." That hit home. I will always miss him, regardless of where life takes me and that's okay. My life will move on, it already has. I'm alive. I'm in my own place.

moving: day two and three

So yesterday was a really rough day. I had tried my best to prepare myself for this move. Knowing I was moving because Scott died was very hard for me to grasp. And still is. The movers were expected to be here from 12-4, they ended up showing up at 8:15 and my door attendant almost did not allow them to move me because it was too late, however I was able to do so, knowing I was only moving down the hall.

When she initially told me this, I had an epic of all epic breakdowns. I handed my phone to my mom, because she had to get it "approved" and walked into the bedroom, profusely crying. I had so much emotion behind that explosion. That's exactly what it was. Why am I moving? This fucking sucks? Why me? Why Scott? I hate the fucking world for putting me on this path sometimes. I wanted to get out of my own skin. I wanted to scream, to run away and never look back. To storm out of the apartment and say fuck it, I cannot do this.

But, I didn't. I was extremely close. Extremely. I found the strength to get through it. The move was quick once they arrived, 30 minutes max. I kept going over to the old place to say goodbye and held onto the keys until this morning. Today was the final goodbye. Not to Scott, but to our memories there. To a place that I hated and loved all at the same time, because he was alive.

I couldn't sleep once the movers were done. I was wide awake. So I worked. I worked on unpacking and reorganizing until really late. My mom stayed up with me, because she knew how hard it was for me. She wanted to be there and knew that I needed her.

Today was a new day. I'm in my own place. It's weird. It's sad. It's happy. It's a lot of things. I've been exhausted all day. I think the emotions that I felt so deeply yesterday really made me tired today. I don't know.

I do know that I love my bedroom. I didn't sleep in there last night cause my friend Steve needed to go to bed early cause he was leaving here at 6am, so he needed sleep! Tonight will be my first night in the bed. It's not my new bed yet, but it's a new room, new look/style. I like being in there. I think I will continue to add fun decor here and there.

While you've never set foot in this place, Scott, know that I will always keep you close to my heart.

helping others, helping me

Horoscope from yesterday was truly on-point:
You are in a stressful phase now and you may be feeling the pressure to choose between your home and your career. However, any lack of support you are feeling from the people in your life will slowly and surely force you to go through your own metamorphosis. Try not to go overboard; letting go of old habits is required before you can begin to develop healthier new ones.

I received the most amazing email yesterday. This person said "Scott sounds like an incredible man and though it sounds crazy to say, be glad a piece of you is missing -- that means he took it with him." I had never thought about it this way. It's intense, but it's the truth. Why I feel so wounded was because of the love that Scott and I shared. He will always have a piece of me and I will always have a piece of him. Loved this. It gave me a new perspective in this grieving process.

This person I speak of has also suffered severe loss and my blog helped her yesterday. It was so refreshing to know that I am helping others who are grieving. This gave me even more drive to want to help people who are grieving. To let others know that they are not alone, people are out there to help and I will make it my mission to be an advocate for other people who are suffering a loss. I cried tears of joy for the first time since Scott's passing.

So a special thank you to this person :)

And thank you to all of those who are reading my blog. I write from my heart, with no filter. I don't have much of a filter anyways, but this blog allows me to describe the intense feelings of my journey.