vacation. self reflection.

I've been on vacation this week, but as of yesterday I'm really using this time to self-reflect. To think about what I want in life and who I am becoming. I am a changed person because of what this year has challenged me with. Challenge isn't a good word. I guess it's the path my life has taken. The reasons are becoming clearer to me. I will always believe that things happen for a reason. I think in a few years I will be able to believe the reasons, but right now I am just playing around with some thoughts.

I'm headed on a road trip today with my mom. We are going to pick up her kitten at 11am tomorrow in Pennsylvania. I know it might be a little hard on me because a little over a year ago, Scott and I were getting our kitten. It might've even been this same weekend, now that I think about it. And damn did his health decline once we got Jasper. But I will embrace this. I will find good out of this trip. There's a reason I'm going back there. Jasper has brought so much happiness to my life and I'm so excited for my mom to have her own special kitty to love her unconditionally, as Jasper loves me (or so he told me!).

It's only a 5 hour drive to the breeder's house and then I think another 4 or 5 to VA. The goal is to drive my mom's car back to VA...we just so happen to be getting a kitten (Edward Miles) along the way! Lots of pictures to come!

I want to slow-down, enjoy life and learn along the way. I will do this.

moving: day two and three

So yesterday was a really rough day. I had tried my best to prepare myself for this move. Knowing I was moving because Scott died was very hard for me to grasp. And still is. The movers were expected to be here from 12-4, they ended up showing up at 8:15 and my door attendant almost did not allow them to move me because it was too late, however I was able to do so, knowing I was only moving down the hall.

When she initially told me this, I had an epic of all epic breakdowns. I handed my phone to my mom, because she had to get it "approved" and walked into the bedroom, profusely crying. I had so much emotion behind that explosion. That's exactly what it was. Why am I moving? This fucking sucks? Why me? Why Scott? I hate the fucking world for putting me on this path sometimes. I wanted to get out of my own skin. I wanted to scream, to run away and never look back. To storm out of the apartment and say fuck it, I cannot do this.

But, I didn't. I was extremely close. Extremely. I found the strength to get through it. The move was quick once they arrived, 30 minutes max. I kept going over to the old place to say goodbye and held onto the keys until this morning. Today was the final goodbye. Not to Scott, but to our memories there. To a place that I hated and loved all at the same time, because he was alive.

I couldn't sleep once the movers were done. I was wide awake. So I worked. I worked on unpacking and reorganizing until really late. My mom stayed up with me, because she knew how hard it was for me. She wanted to be there and knew that I needed her.

Today was a new day. I'm in my own place. It's weird. It's sad. It's happy. It's a lot of things. I've been exhausted all day. I think the emotions that I felt so deeply yesterday really made me tired today. I don't know.

I do know that I love my bedroom. I didn't sleep in there last night cause my friend Steve needed to go to bed early cause he was leaving here at 6am, so he needed sleep! Tonight will be my first night in the bed. It's not my new bed yet, but it's a new room, new look/style. I like being in there. I think I will continue to add fun decor here and there.

While you've never set foot in this place, Scott, know that I will always keep you close to my heart.