the reason

Today in IOP I "presented" a problem. It's the third part of the day and usually someone presents a problem and the group helps "solve the problem" through a series of events. Well today was my day. My therapist has been wanting me to present and so I finally did. I felt good today. I felt energized. I had a good night with two good friends. I could feel their love and support, which gave me strength that I could do this today.

I had an epic breakdown reliving Scott's death. I have flashbacks pretty bad lately and today it was so real, as I was explaining it. I could barely breathe, but everyone hung to my every word. I could tell there was pain in the eyes of everyone looking at me. Sometimes I feel like a loser for being so sad, but when I see the reaction I saw today, I know that it's okay to be where I am. To sit in the pain. And to not fight the pain.

Someone told me I was a remarkable person. Before even getting on with how the process works, he just had to tell me this. Someone who is so depressed himself, but could put everything aside and tell me I was remarkable. I loved it. It felt amazing. I had stopped believing. Another person told me they were so impressed I was still vertical. This was the worst year of my life and to expect it to get worse as I near Christmas and the anniversary of his death. That is what I presented. I was looking for new techniques and tools to get through this time. I got a LOT of solid advice and great alternatives to what I'm currently using for coping skills. I've done so much work this year on myself and am blessed, truly blessed to have had today.

I feel like they gave me strength that I couldn't give myself. Strength from people who I barely know, but love deeply because we share such a bond. I hope to continue these relationships because what we shared today will forever be in my heart. It was magical.

I don't want to disclose too much information because it's private as to who all I interact with and why people are there. So sorry this is a bit vague. It's hard to even explain the way I feel. I'm sad right now but happy at the same time. I'm okay being miserable right now. Because I know it's what I need. I know I'll be okay.

I love you Scott. I love you Tyler. I think you guys have given me strength in ways I cannot even describe. I will always miss you, but keep your memories close to my heart.

It was ironic that "The Reason" by Hoobastank came on today when I was headed home. It was one of my favorite songs that Scott would sing. He sang it so well, it was seriously beautiful...and when you listen to the lyrics, it's quite incredible what the message is saying..."I'm sorry that I hurt you, it's something I must live with everyday. And all the pain I put you through, I wish that I could take it all away...and be the one who catches all your tears, that's why I need you to hear..."

It's almost like he was talking to me. Saying he was sorry for dying. Sorry that I was in pain. He is the reason I am in pain, but he's also the reason that I will be stronger.

missing him

I've been in an intense emotional roller coaster since 9/11. Hence the hiatus from my blog. Sometimes the feelings are too personal and private to share.

I know the dates that are approaching are looming over my head. Whether I am thinking of them or not, they are coming. I cannot fast forward time, or I would've done that already. I have to face what is in front of me. I feel like I'm hurting people close to me because I'm pulling away, but this is how I know how to react to emotional pain. I want to be alone. I want to hide the pain so that no one can see how deeply it hurts. I don't reach out. I don't want to let on the pain I feel everyday. The loneliness. The incredible pain associated with missing Scott. And wondering how this is all really happening.

While I know this is my life, I sometimes cannot believe it's real. He's really gone. We are really not getting married. I will never wear that perfect dress I picked out for our day. He will never see me walk down the aisle. I wanted it all so badly. He was my best friend. He was my world. I hate knowing I can never confide in him again.

I am in this "phase" of my grief process where I am trying to hold on tight to whatever I have of Scott. It's all that seems normal as we near what would have been our wedding date (11/5/11). And all the dates thereafter. Thanksgiving. Hospital. Getting out. Christmas. Coming back to Chicago. Doctor appointments. Going back to work (me). Death. We weren't back two weeks and he was gone. GONE. I remember it so vividly. It used to feel so long ago, but now it feels like yesterday. That's how bad the pain is again.

I often hate blogging because when I write, I'm in pain. The pain is still there. When will it end? Will it ever end? Is there ever a day when I will get past this? I know the answer is yes, but some days it seems so far away. My life cannot be normal until I can let go of him. I cannot do that yet. I oftentimes try to pack up more of his stuff that I have and I simply can't. I don't want to erase him and I feel that by getting rid of some of the stupid things I have, will mean he's gone. I'm not there yet. I cannot say goodbye.

Sometimes I don't know if it's me that doesn't know how to ask for what I need or if grief doesn't allow you to know. I never truly know what I need. All I know is that I have to feel the pain, as awful as it is.

again. here we go.

So here I am. In Michigan. For a funeral. I've been through this before. I'm here to travel with my family to Texas tomorrow morning. I hate that I'm attending another funeral. I hate that this is truly happening, this is my reality right now. I wish I could curl into a little ball. I truly do.

My emotions are so raw. My patience is so thin. I don't have it in me to do this again, yet I know I will. I cannot guarantee I'll be able to attend all the dinners and shit, but I can promise that I'm there for my other brother, Charles. I want to be his rock. His guiding light if you will. That will give me strength, knowing that I am helping him. I cannot bullshit. I won't act fake. I am me now. I'm an emotional, straight-forward, direct "hot mess." I cannot sugar-coat. And where I'm going, I'll need to do this, and I know I can't, which is why there are some "gatherings" that I might not be able to do. I'm glad Casey and I have our own rental car. We can whisk Charles away and do whatever. If he wants. I just need to be flexible I guess. Flexible to heal. Flexible to my emotions and what I need. I'm still on a really emotional ride and I fear if I'm not careful, I might not be going in the direction I want to go.

I feel pretty confident that I'm aware of what I am feeling. I know it's okay if I cannot attend everything. What's important is that I'm there for  the loss of Tyler and for Charles, however he might need me. I will do my best. That's all I will ever give.

getting used to this. weird.

It's really fucked up that I am getting used to this feeling. Used to feeling alone and on an island. Used to knowing that the void I feel will be there for a while. I guess I am coming to terms with grieving. I didn't know it was possible, but plan to talk about it tomorrow in therapy.

I don't like this feeling. You cannot  compete with it or make it go away. So I guess you embrace it? I mean you have no choice.

I saw my new apartment today, which has me super excited about moving. What I am not excited for is the constant reminder that I don't have Scott around to help with certain things, like hooking up the PS3 or the wireless router. There are things I don't  know that I will be forced to learn. It's almost like I want to rebel against those things because that was HIS job,  not mine. Now it's mine.

I find myself talking to him at my apartment lately. Saying "where are you?" and other things. It's weird. I don't expect him to talk back or anything. If he did, um, that would freak me out. I  know he's gone.

I'm bored. Yet I don't know what to do. Nothing seems interesting. Maybe I've done too much this weekend with packing and cleaning. I feel that's all I do, but it's the homestretch. Part of me gets so mad that I am moving, because of WHY I am moving. It's all so fucked up, fucked up, fucked up!

unbearable pain.

I often wonder if I will ever be okay. It sure doesn't seem like it right now. You never know what you will feel. I walked past a place where I know Scott fell (fainted) in our apartment because he was so weak. He had to call me at work to bring him gatorade from the fridge because he had fallen four times trying to walk from the bed to the kitchen. Tonight I walked past and could visibly see where he knocked the picture against the wall and potentially where his hip or body slid downward. It really fucked with my emotions. He was so sick. So goddamn sick and no one could figure out why.

While he was alive, the thought went through my head that he might die from this, however I never knew it would be my reality. I wish I could've done more for him, but I know and he knows that I did all I could.  I remember asking him one night why he loved me, and he said "because you take such good care of me. " I would give anything to have him here beside me so I could take care of him one more time.

It hurts so bad. So fucking bad. Everything hurts. The pain and the emptiness is unbearable. I feel so lonely. My heart has a void and a hole that keeps burning.

I feel like it's been years since his death and it's only been 10 weeks. This is going to be a long, long journey and I hate it. I wish I could give the pain to someone else or a little bit to everyone to help me.

I loved him beyond words.