turmoil

Everyday I wake up, I'm shaken and scared again. Is this really happening? One year ago, I had no idea how much my life would change in one night.

Thanksgiving will stir a lot of emotion for me and my family. I rented a car last year because Scott was too sick to drive his car (stick shift requiring a lot of work in rush hour traffic). I remember walking behind him at all times to ensure he didn't fall over or get too light-headed. I forget where we stopped to eat on the way to MI. I hate that I forget details. I want to cherish them all so badly. On Thanksgiving, my mom, sister and I cooked. We ate later than usual. I remember Scott eating a little turkey with gravy and a lot of mashed potatoes. It was 8 or 8:30 and I needed to drive Chaz home. Scott wanted to come but he was starting to feel sick. On the way to take Chaz home and on the way back all I could think was "please don't get sick, please don't get sick." I immediately rushed to the bedroom to where he was laying down and of course, he had gotten sick. This was my life. I was devastated. I knew that whatever was happening to him over the past couple of months hadn't gotten better. I needed to take serious action.

I was on the phone with UofM's ER, both medical and psychiatric divisions, trying to understand what course of action I needed to take. I had had it. I wanted him well and isn't UofM one of the best hospitals? With the help of my family, they encouraged me that this was the right thing. I told Scott that I was taking him the next morning to UofM and he wasn't happy. He blamed the mashed potatoes for making him sick. We fought. I hate that we fought but said we'll see how he feels in the morning. He was so sick, all night and on the way to the hospital, clearly he wasn't getting better. It wasn't the damn mashed potatoes. He insisted everytime he ate them, he got sick. I still haven't eaten mashed potatoes, nor do I think I ever will.

I always think I should've fucking fought harder for him at the hospital. We should've known his heart was bad. Why did they miss that? Because he was only 36. Fuck 36, you can still have heart disease. A good doctor would know better, considering we were on the cardiac floor (constantly hooked up to a heart rate monitor) and he complained of some chest pain, had tachycardia (fast heart rate) and was diabetic. Like do a fucking stress test. Damn. What a mess. I get so mad thinking about it now.

It's hard to think about "what I'm thankful for" when I'm so sad. I'm thankful for those who have supported me throughout all of this. I won't name names, you know who you are. But I can't help being really mad at the same time. Mad that this is my life. Mad that I have to wake up and keep moving, just to survive. Mad that I have to live with a huge hole in my heart and cannot function the way I once did. That's grief. You cannot accomplish what you were once able to when it hurts this bad. Will the day come where I can, yes, but I'm not there.

I'm not ready for a lot of things thanks to this thing called turmoil.

i'm not okay...i am okay...i'm not okay...

I need to be open about my latest wave of grief. About two weeks ago in therapy, I discovered that I have a LOT of self blame. This feeling initially happened after I learned HOW Scott died and I thought I got over it, but yet I didn't. In my subconscious, I feel that I could have done more.

And I will tell you that I KNOW I did everything I could to save him, I was fighting with all my heart and that it wasn't my fault, however I cannot neglect these genuine feelings that I have, as irrational as they might be. It's all part of the process so bare with me.

I cannot focus on "it wasn't your fault Grayson." I have to focus what I feel today and that is that I blame myself and have a lot of guilt about his death. It is affecting every aspect of my life. It's holding me back from being happy to my core and happy about life and happy to be where I am. I have not let go of Scott as I feel I failed him. If you feel you fail someone, it's almost like it hurts so bad that I don't deserve to feel happy. It's a tough emotion to discuss to be honest.

There is no magical answer as to "when" this feeling will pass. I need to write. I need to feel. I need to hit a fucking low, which I'm in. I'm allowing myself an open mind to think really bad things, because I think it will help me. If you say sorry enough, maybe that will help. You just have to fucking sit with the guilt and the pain for it to ease. And as they say, time does help grief. I HATE that saying. It annoys me. I don't want time. I want to snap my fingers and be myself. That won't happen. I'm learning about myself and I'm allowing myself to feel what I need to feel and that is that I blame me.

I feel like I let him down. His son, his family. I let myself down. I wanted to save him, but maybe he didn't want to be saved. I fought as if I were sick, when I wasn't. I was so consumed by him. He was my addiction and now I'll never get my fix. My fix has to come in other ways and they have to be for ME, not through someone else, as co-dependent as I am (another fun thing to work on once this passes!!).

My sister told me last weekend how proud of me she was because I was so self-aware. I've never been this self-aware in my life. I've always neglected myself and helped others. Scott's death has forced me to examine my own life, which adds another layer of pain to the grief. It felt good to hear she was proud of me though. My sister and I have an amazing relationship and she's the one person I know will understand my pain. She gets it. She listens. She knows it fucking sucks. Without her, I"m not sure how this journey would've played out. I love you K.

She also sent me an image of a magnet she saw. It says "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." I need to fix myself in order to create myself because for the first time in probably 15 years, I am me. Not Grayson, me.

7-10-11

Today is your birthday. Although it's not really a day to celebrate for me. What becomes of your birthday? I think in time I will be able to think of this day as a celebratory day...but today it's not. Today is a day when we should've been in LA. Should have been reliving our engagement a year ago...today. Today is a weird day.

I'm in Chicago, surrounded by love, but you're not here. Maybe you're with me and I don't even know it. Maybe you're not.

I am going to Bahai temple today to grieve. I've never heard of this place, however I hear it's beautiful and very spiritual. It's a place where I want to remember your life and remember how you loved me and tell myself that you're exactly where you need to be.

I don't even know if I can say happy birthday, as I cannot celebrate your birth because your death is still too fresh. Six months today. At this time 6 months ago you were pronounced DOA. A day that I will never forget, but a day that has forever changed my life, as you know.

RIP Pumpkin. You're always on my mind, especially today.

(I will write more later. I know I will be hit with a lot of emotion and sadness when I'm at the temple...)

make it stop.

My head is so foggy today. I have done this before. Headed back to work after a death. It's complicated. I don't feel focused or energized to be here. I feel lost and overwhelmed with what I missed and how to get back on track. It's amazing how life moves forward when tragedy happens. For me, life seems to stop, then you have to run to catch up on what you've missed. I hate that feeling.

There's nothing you can really do about it, except accept it. Sometimes I want to be so negative and let my emotions take over. I'm frustrated that this is all happening. This is all so real and feels surreal

My perspective drastically changed when Scott passed, now the feeling is even more valid with Tyler's passing. Things just don't matter the way they once did. Will they ever? I don't know. It was getting better, but then Tyler died and it all kind of hit again. It's a challenging mind game, but hopefully as my life continues to move forward, this will get easier.

I love where my life is going, yet it was a really painful way to get here and I want the pain to stop. I want to be happy everyday. I want life to be easy, however I'm not sure what "easy" is. I don't think that exists for anyone to be honest. Maybe "easier" is the better word. I wish I could snap my fingers and my head would clear. There is so much noise in there as I figure out my life. I'm along for the ride, but I sure as hell hope the cruise control is set to happy for a while.

RIP my dear brother. I love you.

My brother Tyler, 23 years old, passed away on Saturday night. I heard he was missing through a post on FB and almost knew instantly that he was dead. I had a gut feeling. A true instinct telling me this. I reached out to him via phone and text, but got no response. I woke up on Sunday and was thinking he was found, based on a note I got back from his aunt, but when his aunt got to his apartment he was dead. He had died on Saturday night. Cause of death is unknown right now. It's all so fucking sad. I said that I hope to hell that we don't end up gathering at his funeral someday. He was on a better path, with working for his aunt's company and starting his design company, then BAM! the drugs took over. It takes ONE time. That is all. I told him how much I loved him and he told me how fucked up some of his actions were and that he was on a natural high from working out in SF. I told him how much I loved him, but I didn't trust him. I said you have to prove to me you're serious this time and here we are...the drugs won. Or so it seems.

I am so fucking sad again. It's not as deep of a sadness as I've experienced before, but i don't understand life. Why is this all happening? Why has this year been really fucking shitty? Why have I gone from losing one loved one when I was like 8 to losing two people in a matter of 4 months? I don't get it. What I do get is life is too fucking short. It changes in one instant.

I've learned so fucking much about grieving since January, that I know what to expect. I know how to feel, I know what this is. I hate fucking knowing. I'm 30 years old and know all about autopsy, coroner, death certificates, transferring of bodies, funeral homes and fucking all this bullshit process. It's fucking UNREAL. I am mad. I am angry. I don't get why I feel as though I'm being tested. I have a foundation. The feeling I have isn't the same as when Scott passed. The loss is different, however there is an underlying feeling that is the same. It's sad, it's tragic and sudden and you have so many unanswered questions.

What I am taking from this is reaffirming my role in life. I want to live. I want to fill my life with love and happiness, because it's so short. There is no time to waste in my opinion. I want to help others more so than ever and I will. Tyler's death is burning the light brighter from within. I wish I could've saved him, but he wasn't ready. I'm sure a lot of family and friends wish they could've done more, but the fact is, that he's gone. I cannot go back and think of ways I could've done more. I want to, but know that is not productive.

He was a troubled soul. There are so many people out there who are troubled and you would never know. That is who I will help. I want to help.

It doesn't take away from the fact that he died much too young. He was a talented, loving, caring and gentle brother. This isn't supposed to be happening. I wanted him to find his way.

RIP Tyler. I love you. I am blessed to have had you in my life and so thankful we had that final facetime conversation. I will cherish that moment forever.

my mission

The more I think about my journey, the more I want to help others. Grieving is so complex, but also simple in knowing the underlying feeling of loss. When grieving is unexpected, I think there are different emotions at play, however this is where I would love to do some research. I want to change lives. I want to become an expert. I want to put my stamp on this world because I know that I can relate. I have always wanted to help people, whether drug addicts or people who were abused, but I couldn't really relate, except for reading, but now I can relate. That's is driving me toward this. Driving me towards change.

And I don't want to do anything small, I want to make a big impact, which will require a lot of thinking and researching to understand how this can happen. I know there is a huge opportunity out there for what I want to do, it's just a matter of discovering the best path forward.

I have faith in myself. I am proud of my journey. I will never forget the feelings I have experienced, ever. I will not lose sight of what I have been through because I now carry it with me everywhere I go. Scott was a special person. My heart will always be hurt and feel the loss of his love.

self-reflection

My day consisted of:

1. Working out
2. Laying by the pool, then beach
3. Swimming
4. Eating and drinking
5. Listening to music
6. THAT'S IT!!!!!!!

It feels amazing. I have been self-reflecting all day. I was able to think freely, without distraction.

I didn't know what this trip would do to me mentally, knowing that Scott's not here. I wouldn't be on this trip if he were alive, I'm guessing. That happens a lot. I find myself saying "I wouldn't be doing this if..." and that's unfortunate. I should've been able to do everything when he was alive, yet somehow I didn't. It's one of those lessons that I've learned and have changed about myself. Doing things that make me happy, not just a partner. Am I completely healed of this? No. But I'm aware of it and work on it all the time.

I am feeling good right now. I have moments where I miss Scott a lot. I know this will not go away, nor do I want it to. He was a big part of my life and still will be. I was putting his beats by dre headphones on yesterday (on the plane) and I found one of his hairs in the ear part...it made me cry. I have moments like this all the time. But it's a different kind of missing and sadness. It's not full on depression mode, it seems like a healthy sadness/grieving. It's really hard to describe actually. I think it's because I've completely accepted his death and have found closure in how he died. It has allowed me to heal a big part of myself that really needed to be healed. I hated not knowing. Now that I know, it doesn't make the pain less, but it does allow you to start thinking differently and sort of seal the envelope of questions that are in my brain. The worry is gone about that.

The next order of business for the week is sleep. I've got to get my body used to sleeping again. I hope that this week will allow that to happen. I still feel afraid sometimes to sleep. Afraid of what might or might not happen. It's hard to describe as well. Once my body gets used to sleeping more normally, I should start to get back in the habit of going to bed at a reasonable time and hopefully staying asleep throughout the night. Right now I'm surviving on minimal sleep. Last night I slept well, but woke up pretty early. I'll take it though!

More to come throughout my trip. I'm focusing my attention to myself and feeling good whatever that might mean.

the margarita tour begins (Blue Agave)

Saturday was the first of many, many fun margarita nights with Lauren. We are going to check out all kinds of mexican restaurants and rate the margaritas, chips & salsa.

We went to Blue Agave on Saturday. The chips and salsa were amazing, however the first frozen marg I ordered tasted like lime water, so our waitress (who we became besties with), told us the way to go is on the rocks. And she was right. Each marg had 2.5 shots of tequila!! That's a lot for my lil old body! Needless to say, Lauren and I were living it up. Laughing to the point of major stomach pain.

I love laughing like that. I could barely catch my breath it was so intense! After about 2 margs each we headed out for a walk. We were off to explore the bars on Division and we both had stomachaches from too much SALT so we thought a lil workout was in order.

We didn't make it far, before we got whisked into a bar called "Detention" because of my pink hair. They treated us like "VIPs" and gave us a "free shot." However, please note that NO ONE was in the bar except for one group of dudes having a bachelor party and then the wait staff. The free shot was kool-aid or cranberry juice because the manager did the shot with us...I mean there was no alcohol in there. haha. We stayed for all of 1 drink that Lauren and I shared, then LEFT. Pretty much ran out of there. The next bar we slipped into was sooo douchey. They were playing like cheesy wedding songs, "Celebrate good times..." and some other song. I hate that shit! I want to hear dance music at the bar, not stupid wedding/DJ songs! So we left there. And we tried to go to the Hangge Uppe, but there was a $5 cover so we said fuck that. We went to my place. We are so lame, it's great!

We tried to stop by Argo Tea, but it was after 11 and they were closed. So at my house we drank water to calm our stomachs from too much acid, tequila and salt!!!!! It was a really, really fun night. I cannot wait to explore more margarita establishments and friends are always welcome to join is on our adventure!

Also, pink hair really gets noticed out there. It was all the rage. I have to say, no one else had it. I never want to get rid of it because it's so rare and I think it's a great accessory and is a part of who I am now.

I woke up on Sunday, after sleeping 10 hours and am feeling great today. I thought I would have a very productive day, but not all the places I needed to go are open. So I went to PetSmart, Whole Foods and Walgreen's. I really needed Target, but nope. Closed for easter. The tanning place was closed too. BOO! Everyone was all dressed up on the streets today, except me. It was funny. It took me a minute to realize why everyone was wearing dresses. duh.

Overall, a fantastic weekend.

carrying the weight of the world...

Today was a tough one.

While I prepared myself as best as I could to be "ready" to know the answer to Scott's death, you can never fully be ready to hear what I heard today. "Accidental" death. To me, this means it could've been avoided. That word is so harsh and sounds like an oxy-moron. It's so...preventable to me. Not that I can change anything and firmly believe that things happen for a reason, however, I am mostly pissed off at medical staff for overlooking this potential problem. I will put this into teaching others somehow. I don't know what that will look like yet, but I will do my best to save lives. Even if it's one person. Doctors and family members need to understand how dangerous heart disease and medications can be...especially if they are NOT looking at the overall health of the person, and only focusing on "their discipline." i.e. heart, stomach, mental, etc.  PAINT THE FULL PICTURE ASSHOLES!!!!

Today has been heavy. My mind is racing. It's telling me things that I don't want to listen to, like "you could've stopped this, you could've been more careful, you could've prevented this. If only"...however...

I KNOW that I could not have saved him. I KNOW I did all I could for him. However, the thoughts are still there. My thoughts are getting more rational as the day progresses, so I will take that as a good sign. I know he's not coming back. I know that he's where he's supposed to be. He's actually where he wants to be. Unfortunately, that's not what anyone wants to hear, but believe me when I say, he's okay with it.

It doesn't make the pain any less for those who loved him. And that I did. Very much. I have a big heart and it loves so unconditionally. I think he showed me how much I can love, which I am very thankful for. I wanted to be his everything, and I think I was. Actually, I know I was. While I could not save him, I have to have faith that I was in his life for a reason and purpose. I know he was brought into my life for many reasons. One of the many is, I have wonderful friends who I met through Scott. I thank my lucky stars everyday for those who are in my life because of him. He was great at reading people and only kept people in his life who were genuinely amazing, now these people are in my life forever.

I've truly accepted the fact that he's gone. I hope to find closure from the information I learned today. I still have a million questions running through my head. I have to be okay with the fact that I will never have all the answers. I have to be okay with the fact that I cannot ask him how he died. That would be way too easy. His heart stopped. I'll take that as a sign he didn't struggle and it was quick. I would hate for him to suffer and now I am pretty confident that he didn't. Amen for that.

WARNING: This is an INTENSE post. Swearing, honest, raw emotion.

EDIT: Nothing happened to make me write this. There is not one situation where I needed to type this. It's just part of the process that I am going through. Yes, I am angry, but they are internal struggles. No one has upset me. :)

Well the baseball bat has hit me again. And fucking when it hits, it hits so hard. Since I was having so many good days consistently, this was bound to happen. It's inevitable. It's good and it's bad. It's good because I know that I am still grieving. I'm not "over it" and when the sadness hits, I MUST deal with it in order to get better. I sometimes wish I didn't have to, but I do. It's bad because you're on this great path of self-discovery and happiness, then all of a sudden you're hit with intense sadness. I miss Scott everyday, however there are days where I do feel happy on the path I'm on. Good will come of Scott's passing. Good comes from tragedy. Do I wish it were different, hell yeah, but it's not. This is my reality.

I did not feel happy last night. I felt all the guilt of the days leading up to yesterday where I was happy. I know I fucking deserve happiness. Everyone in my life should feel the same way.  Everyone said "Scott would want you to be happy." I never really understood that. I didn't know what he would want. We never talked about life after one of us died. How do you know? How am I supposed to know? I do know now. And quite frankly, it doesn't matter. It's my life now. He's not here with me. He cannot make decisions with me or be a part of that anymore. It's just me.

I have a fear of people judging me as I do move on this path of GRAYSON'S LIFE. Moving on meaning dating (yes, I am ready!), going out, smiling, really laughing from my heart again. Feeling good. Feeling like things happen for a reason. Here's what I have to say, NO ONE knows what I have been through. NO ONE. Not even my family. No one was here every single fucking day living my life while Scott was alive and sick. NO ONE knows what my relationship with Scott was like when he wasn't sick. NO ONE. No one knows what I am learning every single day about myself and what I need to be healthy again. No one is inside my head to feel what I feel. The only person who does is me. What I ask of people is that they trust me. Trust me to know that I will make my own decisions. If I fail, I will learn. If I succeed, I will continue to improve. I will not be fucking perfect. Neither is anyone else. There isn't a step by step guide telling me what to do. Not all grievers are the same. You follow your heart and trust that your heart will lead you down the path you need to be on. That's what I am doing and want people to respect that. This is where I will also help other grievers someday. When compassion and living outweighs the grief, you are on the path to move on. It's not a science. It's all based on emotion. No one will have the same time table after a tragic loss. NO ONE.

Here's what I fear the most. "It's only been 4 months since he passed, how can she move on?" Here's my answer. "Fuck you." It feels like it's been years to me. I was not functioning for 2 months after he passed. Literally not functioning. I was grieving before he even died. I will not go into detail, but this is NOT something I want to hear from anyone (read above another time if needed. lol.). I understand people being protective, without a doubt. I am protective. I will be protective of my heart. Know that I am taking care of that.

There is a second fear, but I will not disclose that yet. It's private. It's personal. The time will come when I am ready.

I apologize if anyone was offended reading this. However, it's my blog. It's my thoughts. It's my path. Yes that is a bit harsh, but welcome to my world of grieving.

pink hair

Here I am. Sitting at Argo Tea. Alone. And I have to say that it feels good. It’s good to be alone. It’s good to know that I can do this. Being alone can have such negative meaning, which in reality, it’s actually pretty powerful stuff. When you’re alone, your stuck getting to know yourself. There’s no one but you.

Being alone is part of my life now. By choice, not forced. I need this. Everyone needs this in my opinion. At first I was never comfortable being alone, but as I get used to it and grow more and more confident everyday, the more I’m starting to like it. I like it because I like me. I like the person that I am changing into.

Scott’s death has really made me examine myself. Not only am I self-aware, I am self-indulging. I am doing things that I’ve always wanted to do, but for some reason, have never done. I never allowed myself to truly be me for reasons I don’t know. I was so consumed by making Scott happy, I forgot how to make me happy sometimes.

It’s okay though. Cause I’m learning. I’m not stuck. I’m growing. I know where I’m headed and I love where that is.

I was in the bathroom at work the other day and laughed when I looked in the mirror. My hair is fucking bright pink. Who does that? I do. I am proud that I am who I am.  

I have always been vocal, confident and strong. But, now it’s a more powerful feeling. Now I am BRAVE. Knowing that I am allowing myself to be emotionally invested in me and that it’s okay.

Scott knew me, but I don’t think he ever realized how much of myself I lost somewhere in our relationship. I mean…I didn’t realize it.  As hard as it is to not be able to talk to him about it, I have to have faith that we were together for a reason. I want to believe that I gave him the best years of his life. I gave him all that I could give anyone and he knew that. For that, I am grateful. That makes me smile. 

As each day passes. I am getting more comfortable with me. I  know what I want. And I’m taking complete control of my life. Probably for the first time in 30 years.

Damn it feels good to have pink hair. 

a really hard post....

Here I am, it's 1:15am and I cannot sleep. I have a lot on my mind, as usual.

I am in a better place emotionally, although as I'm typing this I am sobbing uncontrollably. I am ready to move on with my life. Grayson's life. This does not mean I am moving on "from Scott." This means that I am ready to embrace whatever life throws at me. I have learned so fucking much about myself over the last couple of months. I am very proud of what I've learned and how I will incorporate that into my daily life...forever.

Scott was in my life for a reason. He was in my life for a short amount of time compared to the average life span of a person but what's important is that now I know why he was in my life. He showed me love, he showed me my self-worth, he made me non-selfish, he helped turn me from a drunk to someone who cared deeply about others and he simply loved me for me. That is important. I have this to cherish.

Did we have the healthiest relationship? No. I don't know if anyone does, but I know I will take what I've learned and apply it to all my relationships. That is the piece of him that will live with me forever. I am forever changed.  While I hate that Scott's not here to talk to him about everything, I've said it before that he's where he wanted to be and now maybe I am starting to get where I should be going. It's so hard to say, but it's the truth. I promised myself as hard as some things are to say out loud, I would always be honest with myself and people reading this blog.

It's okay for me to feel this way. I do not feel guilty for wanting to move forward with my life. I used to, but not anymore. I am accepting what life has given me and making something of it. I am not the type of person who will sit in a room by myself and have Scott consume my every thought. I would never get better. I would never heal. I did not die the day he died. I am alive. I am living and I want to be here. I want to be happy. I think I deserve that. I think that Scott would want that. I hope everyone in my life wants that for me and if they don't, they can get out of my life. It's as simple as that.

This process truly allows you to see who your friends are and who they aren't. I love my friends. I don't need to name names, but I hope you're reading this and smiling. As hard as it was for me to post, it might be hard for you to read, however know that what I'm feeling is real. I am not healed, I will still have low days, but the good is outweighing the bad, which hasn't happened for a very long time.

I will not spend each day worrying about what I should or shouldn't be doing because I often times put too much pressure on myself. I will simply live my life and take it one day at a time. That's where I am now and it feels good to know how far I've come. I can visibly see the light in the tunnel and it gets closer and closer every day. Closer to what, I don't know...do you come out of the tunnel, I don't know, but I guess we shall see.

sleep!!!!

Okay, so it's amazing what sleep can do for me. I slept like a rock last night. Finally! I was purely exhausted from my unusually "social" week. I had a lot going on at night, which was great, but my sleep suffered. I will have to find the right balance of being social during the week, while still getting the sleep I need. Learning as we go, people!

I feel good today. Actually, I feel great. When I woke up, I didn't have my usual stomach pains or a foggy mind. I had a clear mind and was excited for my day of appointments (hair, nails).

I miss Scott. There isn't a day that passes where I don't think of him, but I also am starting to feel good in my own skin. It's all about me at the moment. And I think that's okay. It's weird to be "selfish," but I definitely think it's required to continue upward in this journey. I know that I will still have hard days ahead of me, but I honestly feel that the worst is behind me and that each day I will continue to get stronger and more functional.

I did find out that one of my friends, who I met through Scott, suffered a heart attack last night. I'm glad to report he is in stable condition, but still it's hard. Scott's circle of friends don't need to be put through all this time and time again. They are good people and it's so hard to understand why this stuff happens. We all need a break.

I'll be heading up to Taylor Lanes tonight to hang out with everyone, so I look forward to seeing my friends and hugging those who I haven't seen in a long time. It feels good to be surrounded by love.

walking a tight rope

Lately I've been feeling a balancing act of emotions. Similar to walking on a tight rope, spinning glass plates. There is something always on my mind that I have to balance with everything else. For example, Scott's memory and knowing that he's gone, with knowing I need to function at work. It's really hard. Balancing grief and life is very, very challenging. How do you get good at it?

I tell myself that I need to focus on what I can focus on and that's it. I cannot predict the future. I can only live in the "now." This is what I must focus on. Each day at at a time. I think I'm finally at the point where I am living "day by day." Before it felt more like hour by hour, but today I know I'm healing. Healing the way I should be healing, and also living my life.

I still cannot answer the question "what would Scott want you to do."

getting out

Since I woke up at 6am, for no good reason, I am sitting here, ready to go to work and it's not even 8am. Call me crazy? You would think that I NEED sleep, but my body wakes up and I cannot fall back to sleep. It's annoying.

Last night I went to see 'The Mountain Goats' with a friend and her co-worker. I had never heard of this band, but it didn't really matter. What mattered was that I was going. It was a Tuesday night and why not? This is part of who I need to become for myself. I need to develop these relationships and go out and enjoy what the city has to offer! Before the band started, I was laughing so hard, that my abs hurt. That is when you know you are healing. You can laugh, a real laugh. You can enjoy friends without feeling like the "downer." I had a great time and am proud of myself for going. I needed that yesterday.

I do feel as though I'm on a good path to recovery and I'm sure I can contribute it to many things. I like smiling a real smile and laughing a real laugh. It helps me heal, as well as the sunshine. I'm starting to realize that my life is moving in the right direction. Three months ago, I had no idea what to expect. I couldn't see the light in the tunnel, now I am catching glimpses, and I am liking what I'm seeing.

I've always said that "good comes from tragedy." I've learned a lot about myself, I've learned a lot about my friends. I've learned that Scott was loved by so many amazing people and I'm so glad that they have ALL made me a big part of their life. It's amazing and warms my heart. There are a lot of special people in my world right now and I look forward to a lot of new memories, knowing that in some instances, Scott is the reason they are in my life. It shows that he had an amazing gift of only keeping people in his life that were genuine. I love that.

I thank Scott everyday for the power his friends are playing in my recovery. I miss him. I still haven't quite gotten a grasp on "why me," but I know that I will someday understand the reason why Scott was in my life. My instinct is that he showed me how to love, how to be in a relationships where it was rooted in love and everything else was just a bonus.

I am starting to truly understand that he is gone. The denial that I felt before it's starting to go away. It's almost like a shift is happening in my mind. While I still do not feel I function normally, as each day goes by, I hope to get better. I've had some good and bad moments this week and hopefully I will continue upward in my journey.

signs

So this morning I woke up really early. Maybe it was because the sun was shining so bright in my room that I had to get up, or maybe it's because Jasper was using me as a playground. Whatever it was, I was up, and happy to know that the sun was out. The sun helps heal. It truly does, for me.

When I stepped foot outside my buildings front door, I see "Champagne of Beers" plastered on the side of a delivery truck. Is this a sign? I figure if I slow down and look around me, I will see signs from Scott. He introduced me to this beer at Taylor Lanes, where we spent many Friday nights. I smiled. Maybe he is subtly showing me that he's okay, or maybe I'm starting to understand that I will be okay.

Regardless of what it is, I will take all the signs I can get.

welcome home

Jasper's new place to hang. He got up here by jumping from the counter to the top of the fridge and after dinner, that's where we found him. He loves being up high. Such a cutie.

Scott had this painting done for me by a good friend (thanks, B!!!) and it will now welcome everyone who enters my home. It has significant meaning and I want everyone to see it right when  you walk in. It will introduce ME!!!! to everyone. This is my house, and a start to my new chapter.

moving: day two and three

So yesterday was a really rough day. I had tried my best to prepare myself for this move. Knowing I was moving because Scott died was very hard for me to grasp. And still is. The movers were expected to be here from 12-4, they ended up showing up at 8:15 and my door attendant almost did not allow them to move me because it was too late, however I was able to do so, knowing I was only moving down the hall.

When she initially told me this, I had an epic of all epic breakdowns. I handed my phone to my mom, because she had to get it "approved" and walked into the bedroom, profusely crying. I had so much emotion behind that explosion. That's exactly what it was. Why am I moving? This fucking sucks? Why me? Why Scott? I hate the fucking world for putting me on this path sometimes. I wanted to get out of my own skin. I wanted to scream, to run away and never look back. To storm out of the apartment and say fuck it, I cannot do this.

But, I didn't. I was extremely close. Extremely. I found the strength to get through it. The move was quick once they arrived, 30 minutes max. I kept going over to the old place to say goodbye and held onto the keys until this morning. Today was the final goodbye. Not to Scott, but to our memories there. To a place that I hated and loved all at the same time, because he was alive.

I couldn't sleep once the movers were done. I was wide awake. So I worked. I worked on unpacking and reorganizing until really late. My mom stayed up with me, because she knew how hard it was for me. She wanted to be there and knew that I needed her.

Today was a new day. I'm in my own place. It's weird. It's sad. It's happy. It's a lot of things. I've been exhausted all day. I think the emotions that I felt so deeply yesterday really made me tired today. I don't know.

I do know that I love my bedroom. I didn't sleep in there last night cause my friend Steve needed to go to bed early cause he was leaving here at 6am, so he needed sleep! Tonight will be my first night in the bed. It's not my new bed yet, but it's a new room, new look/style. I like being in there. I think I will continue to add fun decor here and there.

While you've never set foot in this place, Scott, know that I will always keep you close to my heart.

when it hits, it hits

I sometimes have these moments where I think of all the things Scott will never get to do, see or try anymore. He'll never eat steak again, he'll never hear the Beatles, he'll never go to a concert, he'll never try a new restaurant, etc. etc. It can be so overwhelming. That's what happened at dinner tonight. Along with having a hard day of moving, I was just sitting there and looking around thinking "he will never see the inside of this place." It is all so sad. It hurts. The pain hasn't seem to have let up. It's almost like it's always there, but I can function better than I could last month. I don't want to have an underlying sadness the rest of my life.

I hope that's not the case, but if it is, then that's what it'll be. I cannot change anything. I just want to keep doing what I'm doing and I want time to pass by quickly. Although I've heard the "time-table" associated with grieving and it's a long process. I told my sister once that I wanted to sleep for two years and then be woken up...but she said, that would only delay the process by 2 years, which is right. I have to continue to live my life, day by day, breath by breath, and continue to have faith that I will get through this.

I'm thankful my mom and Steve are here to help me move. It might all hit me on Sunday when Mom leaves, but I will also be busy rock climbing. Hopefully that exhausts me and I will sleep like a baby. Wishful thinking...maybe. Anyways, the moral of the story is that you just never know when the sadness and pain will hit. While there is a constant sadness it's not like it was 2 months ago, when it does hit me hard, it's really hard. I feel myself just going into this dark place and getting really quiet. The tears come, then I feel like a moron for crying in a public restaurant, but I know that I cannot stop the tears. I don't want to stop the tears, otherwise I am stopping the emotion, which is not healthy.

AND, thank you to those who reached out to help me move. I greatly appreciate your offers and generosity. You know who you all are :) While I don't need help moving this time, I expect you ALL to come visit me at my new place to fill it with fun memories!!!!

moving: day one

The day is here. Knowing that I am moving from the place where Scott and I lived to a smaller one bedroom. It's really fucked up in a way. I'm moving because he died. Scott and I had agreed to stay here one more year while his health got better, although it would literally cost an arm and a leg. It's what I did for him, anything that I could. If I could take one less stress from him I would, and I did. I'm happy to know that I did that for him. He needed it. He worried about enough and I tried to take on as much as I could. Which might not have been the healthiest approach for me, but it's the truth. In due time, I will be forced to take care of myself and will learn how to balance my needs with the needs of others.

I'm mixed emotions today. I feel sad, but other times I'm so busy, that I don't feel anything. I just unloaded a lot of art and music books that I elected to keep to put on display. They make me smile because in a lot of instances I remember buying the books with Scott, however some are older and I look forward to reading them. He wasn't into reading, he was a picture guy. So I now have a lot of pretty picture books :)

I didn't realize how much shit I actually had. Here I was, all these years telling Scott he had a lot of shit. Well we both did. I'm trying to get rid of a lot. Like clothes. I have literally gone through my clothes 4 times leading up to today and there is still too much. Why do I need all this stuff??? So I'm getting rid of even more. It's hard for me to part ways with clothes. I always think "oh maybe I'll wear it next year." Not the case. I got rid of it!

My new apartment also has less storage so that has been a chore, just making sure everything has a home (bathroom stuff, laundry stuff, cleaning supplies, lightbulbs, etc.). I like everything to have a home and be tucked away out of site, but I think I did it! haha. I still have some boxes to unpack so who knows where that stuff will go.

Alright, well I wanted to post to get some emotions out. I'm not really thinking today. I'm just doing. Tomorrow will be harder, I know that for a fact. I will miss the memories we shared in our apartment. But, I think the new place will help me to start focusing on me for a change.