father's day

Yesterday was Father's Day and I was worried how I would handle it. Father's Day has always been a tricky one for me, given some challenges I've faced with my own father. I had my first panic/anxiety attack 9 years ago on Father's Day, at a movie theatre. It was not fun, but I'm also not the same person I was back then.

Father's Day was the first "milestone" since Scott's death and I felt his absence. He should've been with his son. It makes me think of all that he's missing and all that Chaz will miss from his father as he grows older and it makes more sense to him. He often speaks of "when dad was alive..." and it honestly tugs at my heart. I'm so glad he's speaking of his father this way. I hope Scott is smiling somewhere when he hears Chaz say that. Chaz will always remember his father because he was such a big part of his life, even though we lived in Chicago. I'm also very thankful Chaz has such a great stepfather, which will be an integral part of his life as he gets older :)

I went to see X-MEN last night with B and I couldn't help but think that Scott should be watching this with Chaz. It's something they would do together and both really enjoy. I was usually along for the ride but liked to be a part of what they enjoyed. Sometimes when I see movies I think of all the things Scott is missing and it makes me sad. But my life has to carry-on. I have to accept my sadness because I'm not sure if will ever fully go away.

I'm proud of myself for seeing a movie on Father's Day. It's a tough day. Thanks to my amazing boy too for spending the day with me. I'm grateful and full of love today.

carrying the weight of the world...

Today was a tough one.

While I prepared myself as best as I could to be "ready" to know the answer to Scott's death, you can never fully be ready to hear what I heard today. "Accidental" death. To me, this means it could've been avoided. That word is so harsh and sounds like an oxy-moron. It's so...preventable to me. Not that I can change anything and firmly believe that things happen for a reason, however, I am mostly pissed off at medical staff for overlooking this potential problem. I will put this into teaching others somehow. I don't know what that will look like yet, but I will do my best to save lives. Even if it's one person. Doctors and family members need to understand how dangerous heart disease and medications can be...especially if they are NOT looking at the overall health of the person, and only focusing on "their discipline." i.e. heart, stomach, mental, etc.  PAINT THE FULL PICTURE ASSHOLES!!!!

Today has been heavy. My mind is racing. It's telling me things that I don't want to listen to, like "you could've stopped this, you could've been more careful, you could've prevented this. If only"...however...

I KNOW that I could not have saved him. I KNOW I did all I could for him. However, the thoughts are still there. My thoughts are getting more rational as the day progresses, so I will take that as a good sign. I know he's not coming back. I know that he's where he's supposed to be. He's actually where he wants to be. Unfortunately, that's not what anyone wants to hear, but believe me when I say, he's okay with it.

It doesn't make the pain any less for those who loved him. And that I did. Very much. I have a big heart and it loves so unconditionally. I think he showed me how much I can love, which I am very thankful for. I wanted to be his everything, and I think I was. Actually, I know I was. While I could not save him, I have to have faith that I was in his life for a reason and purpose. I know he was brought into my life for many reasons. One of the many is, I have wonderful friends who I met through Scott. I thank my lucky stars everyday for those who are in my life because of him. He was great at reading people and only kept people in his life who were genuinely amazing, now these people are in my life forever.

I've truly accepted the fact that he's gone. I hope to find closure from the information I learned today. I still have a million questions running through my head. I have to be okay with the fact that I will never have all the answers. I have to be okay with the fact that I cannot ask him how he died. That would be way too easy. His heart stopped. I'll take that as a sign he didn't struggle and it was quick. I would hate for him to suffer and now I am pretty confident that he didn't. Amen for that.

pink hair

Here I am. Sitting at Argo Tea. Alone. And I have to say that it feels good. It’s good to be alone. It’s good to know that I can do this. Being alone can have such negative meaning, which in reality, it’s actually pretty powerful stuff. When you’re alone, your stuck getting to know yourself. There’s no one but you.

Being alone is part of my life now. By choice, not forced. I need this. Everyone needs this in my opinion. At first I was never comfortable being alone, but as I get used to it and grow more and more confident everyday, the more I’m starting to like it. I like it because I like me. I like the person that I am changing into.

Scott’s death has really made me examine myself. Not only am I self-aware, I am self-indulging. I am doing things that I’ve always wanted to do, but for some reason, have never done. I never allowed myself to truly be me for reasons I don’t know. I was so consumed by making Scott happy, I forgot how to make me happy sometimes.

It’s okay though. Cause I’m learning. I’m not stuck. I’m growing. I know where I’m headed and I love where that is.

I was in the bathroom at work the other day and laughed when I looked in the mirror. My hair is fucking bright pink. Who does that? I do. I am proud that I am who I am.  

I have always been vocal, confident and strong. But, now it’s a more powerful feeling. Now I am BRAVE. Knowing that I am allowing myself to be emotionally invested in me and that it’s okay.

Scott knew me, but I don’t think he ever realized how much of myself I lost somewhere in our relationship. I mean…I didn’t realize it.  As hard as it is to not be able to talk to him about it, I have to have faith that we were together for a reason. I want to believe that I gave him the best years of his life. I gave him all that I could give anyone and he knew that. For that, I am grateful. That makes me smile. 

As each day passes. I am getting more comfortable with me. I  know what I want. And I’m taking complete control of my life. Probably for the first time in 30 years.

Damn it feels good to have pink hair. 

getting out

Since I woke up at 6am, for no good reason, I am sitting here, ready to go to work and it's not even 8am. Call me crazy? You would think that I NEED sleep, but my body wakes up and I cannot fall back to sleep. It's annoying.

Last night I went to see 'The Mountain Goats' with a friend and her co-worker. I had never heard of this band, but it didn't really matter. What mattered was that I was going. It was a Tuesday night and why not? This is part of who I need to become for myself. I need to develop these relationships and go out and enjoy what the city has to offer! Before the band started, I was laughing so hard, that my abs hurt. That is when you know you are healing. You can laugh, a real laugh. You can enjoy friends without feeling like the "downer." I had a great time and am proud of myself for going. I needed that yesterday.

I do feel as though I'm on a good path to recovery and I'm sure I can contribute it to many things. I like smiling a real smile and laughing a real laugh. It helps me heal, as well as the sunshine. I'm starting to realize that my life is moving in the right direction. Three months ago, I had no idea what to expect. I couldn't see the light in the tunnel, now I am catching glimpses, and I am liking what I'm seeing.

I've always said that "good comes from tragedy." I've learned a lot about myself, I've learned a lot about my friends. I've learned that Scott was loved by so many amazing people and I'm so glad that they have ALL made me a big part of their life. It's amazing and warms my heart. There are a lot of special people in my world right now and I look forward to a lot of new memories, knowing that in some instances, Scott is the reason they are in my life. It shows that he had an amazing gift of only keeping people in his life that were genuine. I love that.

I thank Scott everyday for the power his friends are playing in my recovery. I miss him. I still haven't quite gotten a grasp on "why me," but I know that I will someday understand the reason why Scott was in my life. My instinct is that he showed me how to love, how to be in a relationships where it was rooted in love and everything else was just a bonus.

I am starting to truly understand that he is gone. The denial that I felt before it's starting to go away. It's almost like a shift is happening in my mind. While I still do not feel I function normally, as each day goes by, I hope to get better. I've had some good and bad moments this week and hopefully I will continue upward in my journey.

no news is not good news

I called the ME today, but left a voicemail letting him know to call me only when he has resolution on Scott's death. I am ready to know. It will help me in this process if I know and it's not delayed any longer. I once thought that I didn't want to know, but now I know that it's time.

I thought a lot today about how far I've come. And what many don't know is that I have been grieving even before Scott died. I can honestly say that I didn't have my Scott since July/August. It's been that long. Almost a year. I am so thankful of the last night we spent together. My therapist said that your body can naturally "wake up" from being comatose before you die. Weird. I need to research that. So maybe that's what happened on that Saturday night. He seemed like him again. My hopes were up, but we all know what happened.

As I was walking home from therapy, it hit me that I know that I've come a long way from where I was and I will continue to keep moving forward. I am honest with myself and very self-aware of the fact that I need to take care of myself first and foremost and focus on developing really great friendships, which I have started. It's so hard for me to pick up the phone and say "I need you to come over because I am so alone." But this step, will help me. It will allow me to know that I have friends who are there for me. It might be uncomfortable, but it's a step I must learn and learn to do well.

His memories are starting to make me smile, as opposed to making me angry or sad. I like hearing others tell me about their memories of Scott. That's how he keeps living, through talking about him and keeping our memories of him alive.

My therapist made a good point today. She said "when you're married and have kids, you will still miss him." That hit home. I will always miss him, regardless of where life takes me and that's okay. My life will move on, it already has. I'm alive. I'm in my own place.

shaky hands

I went to Whole Foods after work and realized that maybe I'm hiding some feelings. My hands are really shaky right now, which could be my anxiety. It's amazing what triggers anxiety throughout this process. Scott and I would go to Whole Foods on Friday night as a "treat" to get something to eat that night. If I were to guess, I think that triggered some feelings of loneliness. I am here alone. I have to do things on my own. I am only buying for one. I am no longer buying for two. I'm so glad that I never held back on giving to Scott, whether that was love and care or presents.

Scott loved presents so much and I loved giving him whatever he wanted, if I could afford it. Everyday was MY present from Scott, I now realize. He was such an incredible person and it just makes the hole in my heart so much greater. If he were a bad person or treated me like shit, maybe this would be easier. It's so hard because he loved me so much and now I don't have that. I don't have the feeling of comfort and support the way I did with him.

I feel like I'm alone on an island sometimes. Just me, with no one listening, or no one to relate to. I want to tell him about my day. I want to ask him stupid questions about the internet wireless router, about which macbook to get, about everything. I feel like there was so much more for him to teach me and to learn about one another and I'll never get that opportunity.

I realize I am  hiding my feelings from myself. I don't know how not to do this. It is part of the transition of entering the world again. I need to get better. I need to listen to me and my needs. It has been really hard since being back at work.  I find that I bring humor instead of my pain. I would rather laugh sometimes than cry, and I think that's okay. In moderation I guess.

There is one thing that I am happy about today, that Scott will never be sick again. He will never have to wonder why he was getting sick. He will never have to worry. But for those that are left behind, we still have to go through life, even though I feel like I have no more life in me.

My hands have stopped shaking.

sunday, bloody sunday

Scott and I would normally be drinking coffee together. He preferred his with one ice cube whereas I love it hot. Like liquid lava. We would watch bowling and look at the paper together. He loved looking at circulars to see the "hot deals" on electronics, toys, DVD's and games. It was a ritual. He would often say "wanna go to______ today?" Which would consist of Bucktown, outlet mall, suburbs, Walmart, etc. He defined Sundays for us.

I am defining my own Sundays now. While he is not here with me, I think of all the Sundays we shared together and feel good knowing we had a lot of fun.

I feel a bit stronger today. I owe it to catching up on some sleep. It's amazing what sleep can do, when you actually sleep. I needed this weekend.

I never know what I will feel in the next hour, but as of right now, I am okay on this rainy Sunday.