the margarita tour begins (Blue Agave)

Saturday was the first of many, many fun margarita nights with Lauren. We are going to check out all kinds of mexican restaurants and rate the margaritas, chips & salsa.

We went to Blue Agave on Saturday. The chips and salsa were amazing, however the first frozen marg I ordered tasted like lime water, so our waitress (who we became besties with), told us the way to go is on the rocks. And she was right. Each marg had 2.5 shots of tequila!! That's a lot for my lil old body! Needless to say, Lauren and I were living it up. Laughing to the point of major stomach pain.

I love laughing like that. I could barely catch my breath it was so intense! After about 2 margs each we headed out for a walk. We were off to explore the bars on Division and we both had stomachaches from too much SALT so we thought a lil workout was in order.

We didn't make it far, before we got whisked into a bar called "Detention" because of my pink hair. They treated us like "VIPs" and gave us a "free shot." However, please note that NO ONE was in the bar except for one group of dudes having a bachelor party and then the wait staff. The free shot was kool-aid or cranberry juice because the manager did the shot with us...I mean there was no alcohol in there. haha. We stayed for all of 1 drink that Lauren and I shared, then LEFT. Pretty much ran out of there. The next bar we slipped into was sooo douchey. They were playing like cheesy wedding songs, "Celebrate good times..." and some other song. I hate that shit! I want to hear dance music at the bar, not stupid wedding/DJ songs! So we left there. And we tried to go to the Hangge Uppe, but there was a $5 cover so we said fuck that. We went to my place. We are so lame, it's great!

We tried to stop by Argo Tea, but it was after 11 and they were closed. So at my house we drank water to calm our stomachs from too much acid, tequila and salt!!!!! It was a really, really fun night. I cannot wait to explore more margarita establishments and friends are always welcome to join is on our adventure!

Also, pink hair really gets noticed out there. It was all the rage. I have to say, no one else had it. I never want to get rid of it because it's so rare and I think it's a great accessory and is a part of who I am now.

I woke up on Sunday, after sleeping 10 hours and am feeling great today. I thought I would have a very productive day, but not all the places I needed to go are open. So I went to PetSmart, Whole Foods and Walgreen's. I really needed Target, but nope. Closed for easter. The tanning place was closed too. BOO! Everyone was all dressed up on the streets today, except me. It was funny. It took me a minute to realize why everyone was wearing dresses. duh.

Overall, a fantastic weekend.

pink hair

Here I am. Sitting at Argo Tea. Alone. And I have to say that it feels good. It’s good to be alone. It’s good to know that I can do this. Being alone can have such negative meaning, which in reality, it’s actually pretty powerful stuff. When you’re alone, your stuck getting to know yourself. There’s no one but you.

Being alone is part of my life now. By choice, not forced. I need this. Everyone needs this in my opinion. At first I was never comfortable being alone, but as I get used to it and grow more and more confident everyday, the more I’m starting to like it. I like it because I like me. I like the person that I am changing into.

Scott’s death has really made me examine myself. Not only am I self-aware, I am self-indulging. I am doing things that I’ve always wanted to do, but for some reason, have never done. I never allowed myself to truly be me for reasons I don’t know. I was so consumed by making Scott happy, I forgot how to make me happy sometimes.

It’s okay though. Cause I’m learning. I’m not stuck. I’m growing. I know where I’m headed and I love where that is.

I was in the bathroom at work the other day and laughed when I looked in the mirror. My hair is fucking bright pink. Who does that? I do. I am proud that I am who I am.  

I have always been vocal, confident and strong. But, now it’s a more powerful feeling. Now I am BRAVE. Knowing that I am allowing myself to be emotionally invested in me and that it’s okay.

Scott knew me, but I don’t think he ever realized how much of myself I lost somewhere in our relationship. I mean…I didn’t realize it.  As hard as it is to not be able to talk to him about it, I have to have faith that we were together for a reason. I want to believe that I gave him the best years of his life. I gave him all that I could give anyone and he knew that. For that, I am grateful. That makes me smile. 

As each day passes. I am getting more comfortable with me. I  know what I want. And I’m taking complete control of my life. Probably for the first time in 30 years.

Damn it feels good to have pink hair. 

a really hard post....

Here I am, it's 1:15am and I cannot sleep. I have a lot on my mind, as usual.

I am in a better place emotionally, although as I'm typing this I am sobbing uncontrollably. I am ready to move on with my life. Grayson's life. This does not mean I am moving on "from Scott." This means that I am ready to embrace whatever life throws at me. I have learned so fucking much about myself over the last couple of months. I am very proud of what I've learned and how I will incorporate that into my daily life...forever.

Scott was in my life for a reason. He was in my life for a short amount of time compared to the average life span of a person but what's important is that now I know why he was in my life. He showed me love, he showed me my self-worth, he made me non-selfish, he helped turn me from a drunk to someone who cared deeply about others and he simply loved me for me. That is important. I have this to cherish.

Did we have the healthiest relationship? No. I don't know if anyone does, but I know I will take what I've learned and apply it to all my relationships. That is the piece of him that will live with me forever. I am forever changed.  While I hate that Scott's not here to talk to him about everything, I've said it before that he's where he wanted to be and now maybe I am starting to get where I should be going. It's so hard to say, but it's the truth. I promised myself as hard as some things are to say out loud, I would always be honest with myself and people reading this blog.

It's okay for me to feel this way. I do not feel guilty for wanting to move forward with my life. I used to, but not anymore. I am accepting what life has given me and making something of it. I am not the type of person who will sit in a room by myself and have Scott consume my every thought. I would never get better. I would never heal. I did not die the day he died. I am alive. I am living and I want to be here. I want to be happy. I think I deserve that. I think that Scott would want that. I hope everyone in my life wants that for me and if they don't, they can get out of my life. It's as simple as that.

This process truly allows you to see who your friends are and who they aren't. I love my friends. I don't need to name names, but I hope you're reading this and smiling. As hard as it was for me to post, it might be hard for you to read, however know that what I'm feeling is real. I am not healed, I will still have low days, but the good is outweighing the bad, which hasn't happened for a very long time.

I will not spend each day worrying about what I should or shouldn't be doing because I often times put too much pressure on myself. I will simply live my life and take it one day at a time. That's where I am now and it feels good to know how far I've come. I can visibly see the light in the tunnel and it gets closer and closer every day. Closer to what, I don't know...do you come out of the tunnel, I don't know, but I guess we shall see.

sleep!!!!

Okay, so it's amazing what sleep can do for me. I slept like a rock last night. Finally! I was purely exhausted from my unusually "social" week. I had a lot going on at night, which was great, but my sleep suffered. I will have to find the right balance of being social during the week, while still getting the sleep I need. Learning as we go, people!

I feel good today. Actually, I feel great. When I woke up, I didn't have my usual stomach pains or a foggy mind. I had a clear mind and was excited for my day of appointments (hair, nails).

I miss Scott. There isn't a day that passes where I don't think of him, but I also am starting to feel good in my own skin. It's all about me at the moment. And I think that's okay. It's weird to be "selfish," but I definitely think it's required to continue upward in this journey. I know that I will still have hard days ahead of me, but I honestly feel that the worst is behind me and that each day I will continue to get stronger and more functional.

I did find out that one of my friends, who I met through Scott, suffered a heart attack last night. I'm glad to report he is in stable condition, but still it's hard. Scott's circle of friends don't need to be put through all this time and time again. They are good people and it's so hard to understand why this stuff happens. We all need a break.

I'll be heading up to Taylor Lanes tonight to hang out with everyone, so I look forward to seeing my friends and hugging those who I haven't seen in a long time. It feels good to be surrounded by love.

pink hair and good friends

I am so looking forward to tomorrow. I am getting my hair cut, highlighted and some pink added in. I cannot wait to see what it looks like! I have the best hairdresser in MI!! And my hair got so long so fast cause it was so short, cannot wait to get some of this chopped off!!

It's fun to be excited about something and tomorrow I have two things. Hair and hanging out with dear friends up at Taylor Lanes. I feel so loved when I am around these people. It's an amazing feeling. I love it!!

(I basically wanted to update to use my mom's new macbook air).

Yay for friends and changing my look...yet again. It's what I like to do. Constant isn't so constant anymore...used to be one of my favorite lyrics by The Get Up Kids. I need to find that CD!

getting out

Since I woke up at 6am, for no good reason, I am sitting here, ready to go to work and it's not even 8am. Call me crazy? You would think that I NEED sleep, but my body wakes up and I cannot fall back to sleep. It's annoying.

Last night I went to see 'The Mountain Goats' with a friend and her co-worker. I had never heard of this band, but it didn't really matter. What mattered was that I was going. It was a Tuesday night and why not? This is part of who I need to become for myself. I need to develop these relationships and go out and enjoy what the city has to offer! Before the band started, I was laughing so hard, that my abs hurt. That is when you know you are healing. You can laugh, a real laugh. You can enjoy friends without feeling like the "downer." I had a great time and am proud of myself for going. I needed that yesterday.

I do feel as though I'm on a good path to recovery and I'm sure I can contribute it to many things. I like smiling a real smile and laughing a real laugh. It helps me heal, as well as the sunshine. I'm starting to realize that my life is moving in the right direction. Three months ago, I had no idea what to expect. I couldn't see the light in the tunnel, now I am catching glimpses, and I am liking what I'm seeing.

I've always said that "good comes from tragedy." I've learned a lot about myself, I've learned a lot about my friends. I've learned that Scott was loved by so many amazing people and I'm so glad that they have ALL made me a big part of their life. It's amazing and warms my heart. There are a lot of special people in my world right now and I look forward to a lot of new memories, knowing that in some instances, Scott is the reason they are in my life. It shows that he had an amazing gift of only keeping people in his life that were genuine. I love that.

I thank Scott everyday for the power his friends are playing in my recovery. I miss him. I still haven't quite gotten a grasp on "why me," but I know that I will someday understand the reason why Scott was in my life. My instinct is that he showed me how to love, how to be in a relationships where it was rooted in love and everything else was just a bonus.

I am starting to truly understand that he is gone. The denial that I felt before it's starting to go away. It's almost like a shift is happening in my mind. While I still do not feel I function normally, as each day goes by, I hope to get better. I've had some good and bad moments this week and hopefully I will continue upward in my journey.

moving: day one

The day is here. Knowing that I am moving from the place where Scott and I lived to a smaller one bedroom. It's really fucked up in a way. I'm moving because he died. Scott and I had agreed to stay here one more year while his health got better, although it would literally cost an arm and a leg. It's what I did for him, anything that I could. If I could take one less stress from him I would, and I did. I'm happy to know that I did that for him. He needed it. He worried about enough and I tried to take on as much as I could. Which might not have been the healthiest approach for me, but it's the truth. In due time, I will be forced to take care of myself and will learn how to balance my needs with the needs of others.

I'm mixed emotions today. I feel sad, but other times I'm so busy, that I don't feel anything. I just unloaded a lot of art and music books that I elected to keep to put on display. They make me smile because in a lot of instances I remember buying the books with Scott, however some are older and I look forward to reading them. He wasn't into reading, he was a picture guy. So I now have a lot of pretty picture books :)

I didn't realize how much shit I actually had. Here I was, all these years telling Scott he had a lot of shit. Well we both did. I'm trying to get rid of a lot. Like clothes. I have literally gone through my clothes 4 times leading up to today and there is still too much. Why do I need all this stuff??? So I'm getting rid of even more. It's hard for me to part ways with clothes. I always think "oh maybe I'll wear it next year." Not the case. I got rid of it!

My new apartment also has less storage so that has been a chore, just making sure everything has a home (bathroom stuff, laundry stuff, cleaning supplies, lightbulbs, etc.). I like everything to have a home and be tucked away out of site, but I think I did it! haha. I still have some boxes to unpack so who knows where that stuff will go.

Alright, well I wanted to post to get some emotions out. I'm not really thinking today. I'm just doing. Tomorrow will be harder, I know that for a fact. I will miss the memories we shared in our apartment. But, I think the new place will help me to start focusing on me for a change.

the waves

Since I have had some bad nights this week, it's only natural in MY grieving roller coaster that I have a good night and tonight was that night. I have felt good tonight. Comfortable being alone. Comfortable in my own skin.

I worked out, which could've helped too. I often think that good days are just the reflection of the days before. Because I am so sad and the pain is so great that anything will feel better than that. Almost like a rainbow after the storm. It's just natural for my process.

Today is a day where I know I can get through this. I take advantage of days like today, because I know they are not going to last forever...well eventually the pain will lessen but not for a long time.

I woke up in a funk today though. I had a really fucked up dream. It was in between one of my snooze sessions of 9 minutes of sleep. I was laying in bed, asleep and Scott's body or soul crept either out from under me or out of me. I followed him to the door to our bedroom and that's all I remember. I think I might've said something, but I was so confused. When I woke up, I was so thankful it was a dream. It was really creepy. I sleep in the same spot where he died. Yes, it's true.

I plan to get a new mattress very soon. I think that will help. I'm not freaked out by sleeping where he died, but if I think about it all the time, I do get really emotional. He was my baby and knowing that was the last place he was is really hard. It will be good to get a new bed, and also hard because that is technically my last memory of him being alive, when I tucked him in the night before.

So I will continue on my high, as long as it lasts. Typically two days, then back to my low again. You just never know, which is why grieving sucks.

outside my comfort zone

So in talking to my friend Brian tonight, here's a list of all the things we have lined up:

1. Rock climbing
2. Help sell his car (he is in the process of buying Scott's car, which warms my heart)
3. Clean his house (if needed. hehe)
4. Decorate his new apartment
5. Help consult with his new biz idea
6. Mountain biking
7. Learn to drive a manual transmission (I owe it to Scott to learn on B's car and Scott's car (see below))

#1, #6 and #7 are going to really push me outside my comfort zone, which I am really looking forward to. I look forward to accomplishing all these things. While it's scary, it's also exciting. I want to know that I can climb a wall and then climb a harder wall and continue to challenge myself. Same with Mountain Biking. B is definitely already heavily involved in this sport and I'm looking forward to him teaching me the ways. Yes, there will be bumps and bruises, but I know I'm tough and what a wonderful way to get in touch with nature and let my mind free.

Tonight started as a bad night, but turned into a good one. I made a list of "to dos" and also had a great conversation with my brother who lives in San Fran. We had lost touch, but we're on the road to fixing our relationship and that means the world to me. We are family and family matters so much.

I always have said, good will come from tragedy and it's starting to happen.