carrying the weight of the world...

Today was a tough one.

While I prepared myself as best as I could to be "ready" to know the answer to Scott's death, you can never fully be ready to hear what I heard today. "Accidental" death. To me, this means it could've been avoided. That word is so harsh and sounds like an oxy-moron. It's so...preventable to me. Not that I can change anything and firmly believe that things happen for a reason, however, I am mostly pissed off at medical staff for overlooking this potential problem. I will put this into teaching others somehow. I don't know what that will look like yet, but I will do my best to save lives. Even if it's one person. Doctors and family members need to understand how dangerous heart disease and medications can be...especially if they are NOT looking at the overall health of the person, and only focusing on "their discipline." i.e. heart, stomach, mental, etc.  PAINT THE FULL PICTURE ASSHOLES!!!!

Today has been heavy. My mind is racing. It's telling me things that I don't want to listen to, like "you could've stopped this, you could've been more careful, you could've prevented this. If only"...however...

I KNOW that I could not have saved him. I KNOW I did all I could for him. However, the thoughts are still there. My thoughts are getting more rational as the day progresses, so I will take that as a good sign. I know he's not coming back. I know that he's where he's supposed to be. He's actually where he wants to be. Unfortunately, that's not what anyone wants to hear, but believe me when I say, he's okay with it.

It doesn't make the pain any less for those who loved him. And that I did. Very much. I have a big heart and it loves so unconditionally. I think he showed me how much I can love, which I am very thankful for. I wanted to be his everything, and I think I was. Actually, I know I was. While I could not save him, I have to have faith that I was in his life for a reason and purpose. I know he was brought into my life for many reasons. One of the many is, I have wonderful friends who I met through Scott. I thank my lucky stars everyday for those who are in my life because of him. He was great at reading people and only kept people in his life who were genuinely amazing, now these people are in my life forever.

I've truly accepted the fact that he's gone. I hope to find closure from the information I learned today. I still have a million questions running through my head. I have to be okay with the fact that I will never have all the answers. I have to be okay with the fact that I cannot ask him how he died. That would be way too easy. His heart stopped. I'll take that as a sign he didn't struggle and it was quick. I would hate for him to suffer and now I am pretty confident that he didn't. Amen for that.

accidental death

I talked to ME today. It completely threw me off-guard because I was about to start a meeting, answered my phone, then realized who it was. So I excused the person out of my office and took the call.

There are two parts to his death. The final ruling is accidental. Part one is coronary atherosclerosis (artery blockage) and part two is drug levels (of some meds he was taking). The nortriptyline was a medication he was taking for depression at night.

When I first spoke to the ME, I didn't know what to say. What he was telling me lead me to believe he killed himself. Even though I checked all the medicines the day of his death and thought everything looked okay. I would've known if he took medications because I watched them, just to be sure. I called the ME back about an hour later with some questions.

1) Did his heart stop?
2) How many pills does the level equate to?

Answers:
1) Yes, his heart stopped.
2) He cannot tell me this. I asked if maybe his body wasn't breaking down meds like a normal, healthy person and he said yes, it's very hard to say because of his current condition. He also said that the level in Scott's body was not a suicidal level. It was accidental. He also brought up hyper-thryroidism and this could contribute to his accelerated heart rate. WTF. I mean, can anyone become a doctor? Why is no one putting two and two together of ALL of our fucking hospital visits...it's so fucking outrageous that some doctors call themselves that.

Anyways...

I administered all his medications. I have no idea why the level in his body was a toxic level. I cannot help but think I somehow fucked up the meds I was giving him. I know I cannot think this way, but it has entered my mind since this all so fresh in my head. I don't remember giving him two doses that night. I vividly remember giving him one dose, and checking his blood pressure before he went to bed. Obviously my mind is racing.

I know I cannot go back and change anything. I seriously think that his body was just like "fuck you, I cannot do this anymore." He was so small, so sick and the medication dose just might've been too high. I looked up information on Nortriptyline and it's a medication that needs to be monitored to ensure you do not reach a toxic level. Would've been good to know. And also, if you do enter a toxic level, it's causes major cardiac issues...i.e. exactly what happened to Scott. So this, plus his heart disease, lead to his death.

He had another level of an anti-depressant in his body, but it was at a therapeutic level. He wasn't even taking this medication and had been off of it for probably like 4 weeks so I thought it was odd it was still in his body, but I have known this for a while now. This lead me to believe that his body must not have been getting rid of meds or something. I cannot play doctor, although I think I'm smarter than a lot of doctors out there about putting the pieces together, I can only move forward. I can only cherish the time we had and know that he's not suffering anymore.

That's all I got for now. I need therapy. I need to be okay with what I've learned today and right now I am okay, but not great. I'm glad to  know, but my mind really does keep racing with "how could this happen, what could I have done, did I kill him, etc. etc. etc."........

no news is not good news

I called the ME today, but left a voicemail letting him know to call me only when he has resolution on Scott's death. I am ready to know. It will help me in this process if I know and it's not delayed any longer. I once thought that I didn't want to know, but now I know that it's time.

I thought a lot today about how far I've come. And what many don't know is that I have been grieving even before Scott died. I can honestly say that I didn't have my Scott since July/August. It's been that long. Almost a year. I am so thankful of the last night we spent together. My therapist said that your body can naturally "wake up" from being comatose before you die. Weird. I need to research that. So maybe that's what happened on that Saturday night. He seemed like him again. My hopes were up, but we all know what happened.

As I was walking home from therapy, it hit me that I know that I've come a long way from where I was and I will continue to keep moving forward. I am honest with myself and very self-aware of the fact that I need to take care of myself first and foremost and focus on developing really great friendships, which I have started. It's so hard for me to pick up the phone and say "I need you to come over because I am so alone." But this step, will help me. It will allow me to know that I have friends who are there for me. It might be uncomfortable, but it's a step I must learn and learn to do well.

His memories are starting to make me smile, as opposed to making me angry or sad. I like hearing others tell me about their memories of Scott. That's how he keeps living, through talking about him and keeping our memories of him alive.

My therapist made a good point today. She said "when you're married and have kids, you will still miss him." That hit home. I will always miss him, regardless of where life takes me and that's okay. My life will move on, it already has. I'm alive. I'm in my own place.

climbing through fear

Today I embarked on a new adventure. Rock climbing. I was very nervous at first, then scared once I actually knew it was up to me to lift my leg and start climbing. The first climb was very hard. I get weak knees with heights so that was holding me back at first. But each climb got a little better, although my arm muscles are nowhere near where they need to be. You get to a point where you literally don't know what to do and it's all in your hands. Once your hand strength is gone, you're off the wall. Literally. I'm so glad that I did it. I've always thought about it, and I can honestly say it felt really good. I will certainly do it again and will work on my strength so that next time, I'm in better shape and know what to expect.

I'm thankful that I have a friend who wants to try new things and push me outside my normal physical exercise of cardio and some weight lifting. It's all so exciting and a great way to start off my new chapter in life.

I wish Scott could've seen me doing this. He would've loved to know that I did it. I did something that I've never done and he would've been so supportive. It's really tough because he was my best friend. Not only am I missing his love, I miss my best friend. My companion and partner in crime. I had to come home to my apartment, not his. He's not here. He's never been here. It was the first time I came back to my new apartment by myself. It's all part of the journey and sometimes the smallest things are so hard. Today was one of those days.

The dreaded ME call is this week. It's been two weeks. I really hope to have some resolution on his death. I often think, am I ready for this? The answer is yes and no. Yes because I want to know how he died and no because then it will be permanent. A done deal. Done. What do you do with what you know? I think it will hit me when I know more. I do not want to assume anything, until I hear it from the ME's mouth. This is the week. Please don't make me wait another two weeks. I've waited long enough.

I'm in a rut right now. I can't put my finger on it. I feel accomplished with what I did today, however I feel so sad and so alone.

ME called

While there is still no cause of death, I did hear from the ME today. Another TWO weeks. Yes, TWO more weeks in what already feels like years of my life. And in two weeks I don't even know if it'll be confirmed.

They are doing toxicology on the medication he was taking and have determined what was in his system, now they have to do the level of these medications. It's a layered approach and it appears that each layer takes fuckin forever.

No death certificates will be issued until the cause of death is known. Obviously it directly impacts insurance...I'm guessing. No idea.

Anyways, I was glad the ME doctor called me this morning. He is a very nice man and has made this process a bit more pleasant.

So, with that being said. I will know more in TWO weeks.

the dreaded ME call...

So today I know I have to call the medical examiner (ME) and it totally fucking sucks. I truly cannot describe the emotions I feel on days like today. How do you prepare yourself to ultimately hear how the love of your life died. Died! And will he tell me everything I want to know? Will this lead to a malpractice lawsuit against Northwestern University and University of Michigan Hospitals because they overlooked the problem???? I know that starting a legal war will not bring him back, but my goodness, he was in the hospital 3 times and if something was overlooked...fuck that. I will act on it. You can guarantee it.

Well time to sort of switch gears and try to get some work done. I hate today already and I haven't even called him yet.