i'm not okay...i am okay...i'm not okay...

I need to be open about my latest wave of grief. About two weeks ago in therapy, I discovered that I have a LOT of self blame. This feeling initially happened after I learned HOW Scott died and I thought I got over it, but yet I didn't. In my subconscious, I feel that I could have done more.

And I will tell you that I KNOW I did everything I could to save him, I was fighting with all my heart and that it wasn't my fault, however I cannot neglect these genuine feelings that I have, as irrational as they might be. It's all part of the process so bare with me.

I cannot focus on "it wasn't your fault Grayson." I have to focus what I feel today and that is that I blame myself and have a lot of guilt about his death. It is affecting every aspect of my life. It's holding me back from being happy to my core and happy about life and happy to be where I am. I have not let go of Scott as I feel I failed him. If you feel you fail someone, it's almost like it hurts so bad that I don't deserve to feel happy. It's a tough emotion to discuss to be honest.

There is no magical answer as to "when" this feeling will pass. I need to write. I need to feel. I need to hit a fucking low, which I'm in. I'm allowing myself an open mind to think really bad things, because I think it will help me. If you say sorry enough, maybe that will help. You just have to fucking sit with the guilt and the pain for it to ease. And as they say, time does help grief. I HATE that saying. It annoys me. I don't want time. I want to snap my fingers and be myself. That won't happen. I'm learning about myself and I'm allowing myself to feel what I need to feel and that is that I blame me.

I feel like I let him down. His son, his family. I let myself down. I wanted to save him, but maybe he didn't want to be saved. I fought as if I were sick, when I wasn't. I was so consumed by him. He was my addiction and now I'll never get my fix. My fix has to come in other ways and they have to be for ME, not through someone else, as co-dependent as I am (another fun thing to work on once this passes!!).

My sister told me last weekend how proud of me she was because I was so self-aware. I've never been this self-aware in my life. I've always neglected myself and helped others. Scott's death has forced me to examine my own life, which adds another layer of pain to the grief. It felt good to hear she was proud of me though. My sister and I have an amazing relationship and she's the one person I know will understand my pain. She gets it. She listens. She knows it fucking sucks. Without her, I"m not sure how this journey would've played out. I love you K.

She also sent me an image of a magnet she saw. It says "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." I need to fix myself in order to create myself because for the first time in probably 15 years, I am me. Not Grayson, me.

a year ago today...

Well, the day is here (sort of). One year ago today, I was flying to LA, for what I thought was just another annual trip, although deep down, I had hoped the ring was coming.

I've been up since 3:30am today. Maybe because we took the early flight a year ago, maybe because a lot of things. I'm sad. I wish I could say goodbye. I should be in LA right now.

Tomorrow is the official date in which we got engaged and his birthday, but today is Saturday and we left on Saturday last year.

I've been trying to fill a void all week. It cannot be filled. The void is Scott. The void hurts. Looking for an itch and not being able to scratch it 24 hours a day. I try to run, layout, read, etc. and nothing works. I want to smoke. That won't work. Nothing will work. I'm missing him in a new way now. I'm missing him because I know he's gone and won't come back. Before when I missed Scott, I was aching for him to hold me, kiss me, touch me, and I thought he would come back because I was in denial. Now I know. Now my reality is he's dead. I've accepted that.

My therapist pointed out when I said "I'm so low and depressed" that I'm not depressed and I haven't reached a new low. I'm grieving and the low feels so low because the feelings are so strong because this is my reality now. I know he's gone. Whereas before, I didn't know what to feel. It was such a tragedy, such a fucking loss and blow to my heart. I know everything now so when Monday night I couldn't breathe or stop crying, that was because the feelings were so fucking strong they were pretty much knocking me out.

This is no joke. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be done with it all. Fuck no it doesn't work that way. I sometimes feel like I'm dwelling, I'm not. I'm grieving. I've accepted that. I often wonder if others around me understand that. More on that later.

So here we are, the weekend when I thought my life was changing for the better. Yet 6 months ago, my life fell apart. I've put pieces in place for a new life, but my new life isn't on full throttle or cruise control yet. It's still a walking disaster sometimes. Life is hard. While I'm so thankful of what I have in my life, meaning Brian and my wonderful friends  and family, I hate to know what I had to go through to get here. Someday, I know I will see all the good that comes from grieving, whereas now I only see snippets and it's even harder to see when you're sad.

I need to live in the now because when I don't, I think too much about "what I should be doing" or "is this right" or "is that wrong...." It's a slippery slope and I'm so fucking ready for it to be normal, however my normal might not ever be so normal.

More to come as the feelings come this weekend. I wasn't expecting to feel the sadness today, I just cannot help but think of Scott and I heading in a cab to LA, then him proposing and my mom walking around the corner for the ultimate surprise. He knew me well and loved me deeply. That is what I miss the most.

a black soul

I had a dream one night that Scott's soul literally came out from underneath me where I was sleeping. Where he died. The important piece of information is that the soul was black. I couldn't make sense of what this meant. Did it mean that I was letting him go? Did it mean that I hate sleeping in a place where he died?

I couldn't figure it out, until today in therapy. The black soul represents all the anger I have toward Scott for leaving me. Leaving me to live my life without him. Typically souls are beautiful and I remember very vividly that this was black. It was scary, it was dark.  I hope I was releasing my anger and that was a sign that I am no longer angry at him.

I want to find peace in him being gone. I would always lay in bed while he was still alive and say, "give me his pain. I can handle it way better than him." And, here we are. I am the one in pain, and he's at peace, or where he needs to be. He's where he's wanted to be, as hard as that is for me to say out loud.

Would I bring him back if I could and continue to see him suffer? No. I wouldn't. Call me cruel, call me whatever you want, but I know in my heart he's where he wants to be. No one saw him as sick as I did. No one has visions of him weighing less than 100 pounds, helping him use the bathroom and getting him out of the bath, or fainting when he got up. No one saw what I saw. It was ugly. It was heart breaking.

Should he have died from this? No. And knowing he was getting better, it's still a huge fucking shock.

I struggle with if he knew he was dying. I wish we could've talked about it more. I don't know what I think anymore. He told me he wanted to get better. He was getting better on some days. But deep down, I don't know if he was just going through the motions or what. I will never know. I just know that what I witnessed was extremely hard on both me and him. He is no longer in pain or suffering, and I always said that I would rather it be me. I was always the stronger one.

As much as I hate how I feel, I'm glad he's not sick anymore. I miss him. The real him. Not the sick him. I miss his love. I loved him more than anything in this world. A love that I never knew existed.

learning

I learned in therapy today that the grieving doesn't really go away, you slowly gather your strength to function at a normal level. While I am functioning better today than I was last week, the grieving is still there. It's almost like a linear roller coaster. I will always get stronger, but the sadness will still be there. Some days will be really bad, but some days will be okay, all while maintaining a continuous momentum upward. I thought that was eye opening for me. 

When I'm sad, like tonight, I listen to sad music. It helps to feel the true emotion. I never want to not feel sad otherwise I will never get better. I am the type of person who likes to hide behind a brick wall and put on a happy face, however you cannot do that with grieving. I cannot pretend I am happy. I cannot pretend that he's not here. I have to be me and I am okay with that. 

I did not learn how Scott died today. I did not get my hopes up that I would hear back from the ME. I will deal with that when the time comes. 

The unknown really hurts. I wish I had resolution. I am ready to know, but will have patience and faith knowing that he went peacefully. Until I know otherwise.