thanksgiving day

So it's Thanksgiving. It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving. It feels like just another weekend. It seems like we just had Thanksgiving, it's too soon to be here again. But it is.

I think my mind is trying to trick me. Tomorrow is the hard day. The day I made the decision that he needed to get to a hospital right away. He was too sick. Tomorrow is also my mom's birthday. So a day of cheer and a day of dread.

I'm so thankful that she understands how hard life is for me right now. It's hard for them too. Scott is normally a part of this day and her birthday. He's missing in their lives too, not just mine. We all miss him, that's for sure. I was wondering today if Jasper ever wonders where he is...

I will say that I tried two bites of mashed potatoes today. I made myself do it, although I didn't want to. My sister said she made a similar batch to my grandma's so I had to taste and judge for myself. They were close...but NOT QUITE there. haha. Sorry K. Love you :) Next year, we are going to have a mashed potato "smash off." My grandmother makes the best ones ever and we always try to replicate them...

I also started taking an antidepressant today. I was very against this idea, but I know I need it for a short period of time. Today wasn't a great day to start a new drug because the side effects caused me stomach issues and a loss of appetite...but my emotions have also been causing this, so hard to tell what caused what. Oh well. I'll give it time to see if it helps me function a bit better. I know I need something. Not forever, but for a while.

My psychiatrist said that maybe I was too strong during the months leading up until now and here's my time to break. It's common. It's natural. It's grief. I sort of had a delayed reaction emotionally. I hope he's right. I just want to get through it in one piece. Thank you so much to all of you for support and love. I need it. I just need to get better at accepting it and asking for it. One step and day at a time.

tired

I'm reading a book from a lady who tragically lost her husband, it's called 'Signs of Life: A Memoir' by Natalie Taylor. She's from MI and it's the first book I've actually read and continued to read since Scott's passing.

I relate to how she views grief. She says it's like losing an arm. Some days you are like "okay, I can do this" and other days you say "what the hell? I cannot fucking live like this!" Well, I put my own spin on her words, but her words are exactly right. I wish there was a reason to why some days are okay, and other days are not. I wish I knew what would trigger me today versus tomorrow. I could look at the same things all day today and be fine, then those same things I looked at the day before, could put me into a severe bout of grief.

It's tiring. I'm tired from it. I am having a hard time functioning, yet again. Or caring about certain things, for that matter. I want to fly away and escape from my mind. It's so frustrating. All so fucking frustrating how it controls my life, I cannot control it yet. I'm not sure that I will try because when I do, it usually comes back to bite me a lot harder...

If you're going through hell, keep going. -Winston Churchill

i'm not okay...i am okay...i'm not okay...

I need to be open about my latest wave of grief. About two weeks ago in therapy, I discovered that I have a LOT of self blame. This feeling initially happened after I learned HOW Scott died and I thought I got over it, but yet I didn't. In my subconscious, I feel that I could have done more.

And I will tell you that I KNOW I did everything I could to save him, I was fighting with all my heart and that it wasn't my fault, however I cannot neglect these genuine feelings that I have, as irrational as they might be. It's all part of the process so bare with me.

I cannot focus on "it wasn't your fault Grayson." I have to focus what I feel today and that is that I blame myself and have a lot of guilt about his death. It is affecting every aspect of my life. It's holding me back from being happy to my core and happy about life and happy to be where I am. I have not let go of Scott as I feel I failed him. If you feel you fail someone, it's almost like it hurts so bad that I don't deserve to feel happy. It's a tough emotion to discuss to be honest.

There is no magical answer as to "when" this feeling will pass. I need to write. I need to feel. I need to hit a fucking low, which I'm in. I'm allowing myself an open mind to think really bad things, because I think it will help me. If you say sorry enough, maybe that will help. You just have to fucking sit with the guilt and the pain for it to ease. And as they say, time does help grief. I HATE that saying. It annoys me. I don't want time. I want to snap my fingers and be myself. That won't happen. I'm learning about myself and I'm allowing myself to feel what I need to feel and that is that I blame me.

I feel like I let him down. His son, his family. I let myself down. I wanted to save him, but maybe he didn't want to be saved. I fought as if I were sick, when I wasn't. I was so consumed by him. He was my addiction and now I'll never get my fix. My fix has to come in other ways and they have to be for ME, not through someone else, as co-dependent as I am (another fun thing to work on once this passes!!).

My sister told me last weekend how proud of me she was because I was so self-aware. I've never been this self-aware in my life. I've always neglected myself and helped others. Scott's death has forced me to examine my own life, which adds another layer of pain to the grief. It felt good to hear she was proud of me though. My sister and I have an amazing relationship and she's the one person I know will understand my pain. She gets it. She listens. She knows it fucking sucks. Without her, I"m not sure how this journey would've played out. I love you K.

She also sent me an image of a magnet she saw. It says "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." I need to fix myself in order to create myself because for the first time in probably 15 years, I am me. Not Grayson, me.

a new low, 6 month approaches...

The six month anniversary of Scott's death is on Saturday. A year ago on Saturday, I was flying to LA, getting engaged and celebrating his birthday. The day is jam-packed with memories and now, it holds even more. The most crude memory I could ever ask for on a day that was one of the best days of my life. I will cherish that day forever, but it will also cause me so much pain as the pain is almost unbearable now. 

This feeling has been brewing since my birthday and Father's Day. The end of June through July 10th. I knew this time would be hard, but I didn't realize how hard it would hit me. I literally feel as though Scott died today. Just hearing the news. I am shocked. I don't know what I need. I don't know what to do. I know I need to take care of me, but what the fuck does that mean when the pain hurts so bad? If someone could answer that, I swear you would be known as a "God" among grievers. 

Last night I was getting nail polish out of a cabinet and stumbled across a pair of Scott's glasses. So I opened them and notice smudges on the glasses. I could see a smudge where my nose had hit the glasses, from kissing him. There was some normal debris from wearing glasses along the nose area and it was HIS debris. His skin. Him. It hurts so bad. How was he taken away so quickly? I don't understand how the pain can come back so strongly again. It feels so raw and so fresh. I thought the last six months I had healed some. It sure as fuck doesn't feel like that today. Is this only a quick, temporary lapse in time? It hurts so bad, straight to my core. I'm a walking zombie today.

I tried to go to work, however that was dumb considering I could barely open my eyes they were so swollen from tears. I sit down at work, type a few emails and then the tears are uncontrollable. I came home and tried to sleep some of the sadness away, however I woke up and it's still there. This is a pain that will not go away. You cannot snap your fingers or distract yourself. Nothing will take the pain away. You just have to sit in it and hope to whoever (not God in my case) you're strong enough to get through. It holds you captive. It doesn't let go as much as you want to push it off. It won't budge. I imagine it to be like wanting to run away from someone trying to stab you, however you can't move and you're just forced to take all the stabs...however I'm thinking that might eventually feel numb. This feeling doesn't feel numb. I feel numb to those around me, however the feeling is there again. 

I feel like I'm in the black hole that I worked so hard to get out of. I feel so confused by life and the path that I'm on. I honestly feel lost and so alone, yet again. I don't understand this. I don't understand why it has to be this way. 

I wish he would show me a sign. Show me a sign that he is okay. He is in a better place. I feel like I need him to tell me that he's okay. I don't feel I can keep moving on sometimes until I know that he is. I know this won't happen. I know I have to be the one to move on. He isn't here to tell me that it's okay. I have to make it okay. That was my relationship with him, always making sure he was okay and now I can't do that. I wish someone could tell me it will be okay. They can, but how do you believe what you can't feel yourself? 

Here it is again. Slapped in the face with the most unbearable pain. 

upcoming dates without him

All I can think about lately are these key dates that are quickly approaching. Father's Day is Sunday, my birthday is next Thursday and then Scott's birthday and our engagement is July 10th.

It makes me sad. Very sad actually that he won't be here for Father's Day. It was always a big day for him to spend with Chaz. He was such an amazing father and I hate that Chaz doesn't have his dad physically here anymore. It breaks my heart because I've never seen love the way I saw Scott loving his son. It was magical. I always envied that love but realize it's a special love between a father and son.

I started this post before work and now it's 10pm. I had therapy today and couldn't go back to work afterwards. I was so sad. So sick of feeling the way that I do. So tired of always being emotional and feeling lost within myself. I feel like I'm an emotional basket case and I fear this is the "new me." My therapist reassured me, it's not. I'm grieving. I've suffered great loss. Only time will help.

I often get annoyed with the assumptions that "I'm okay." Just because I smile and can laugh, doesn't mean I'm happy. I still fucking hurt every single day. This is what I hate. I want it to be over. I don't want to have to hurt everyday. I miss him. And missing him hurts me. It sometimes just feels like a big slap in the face.

I am breaking down. I'm allowing the time I need to break down. I need to be alone, so I'm alone. I'm taking care of me. I'm feeling what I need to feel, although it still hurts. It's like being sick but not knowing what you need to get better. "Time heals" is the worst fucking saying ever. I hate it. I'm ready to get on with my life, yet I cannot speed up this process like I wish I could. That's my personality. I just have to sit back and let it control my life. I cannot control this. I can only TRY to live with it and not piss off a lot of people along the way :)

This is why grieving sucks. I'm glad the name of my blog still makes sense.

self-reflection

My day consisted of:

1. Working out
2. Laying by the pool, then beach
3. Swimming
4. Eating and drinking
5. Listening to music
6. THAT'S IT!!!!!!!

It feels amazing. I have been self-reflecting all day. I was able to think freely, without distraction.

I didn't know what this trip would do to me mentally, knowing that Scott's not here. I wouldn't be on this trip if he were alive, I'm guessing. That happens a lot. I find myself saying "I wouldn't be doing this if..." and that's unfortunate. I should've been able to do everything when he was alive, yet somehow I didn't. It's one of those lessons that I've learned and have changed about myself. Doing things that make me happy, not just a partner. Am I completely healed of this? No. But I'm aware of it and work on it all the time.

I am feeling good right now. I have moments where I miss Scott a lot. I know this will not go away, nor do I want it to. He was a big part of my life and still will be. I was putting his beats by dre headphones on yesterday (on the plane) and I found one of his hairs in the ear part...it made me cry. I have moments like this all the time. But it's a different kind of missing and sadness. It's not full on depression mode, it seems like a healthy sadness/grieving. It's really hard to describe actually. I think it's because I've completely accepted his death and have found closure in how he died. It has allowed me to heal a big part of myself that really needed to be healed. I hated not knowing. Now that I know, it doesn't make the pain less, but it does allow you to start thinking differently and sort of seal the envelope of questions that are in my brain. The worry is gone about that.

The next order of business for the week is sleep. I've got to get my body used to sleeping again. I hope that this week will allow that to happen. I still feel afraid sometimes to sleep. Afraid of what might or might not happen. It's hard to describe as well. Once my body gets used to sleeping more normally, I should start to get back in the habit of going to bed at a reasonable time and hopefully staying asleep throughout the night. Right now I'm surviving on minimal sleep. Last night I slept well, but woke up pretty early. I'll take it though!

More to come throughout my trip. I'm focusing my attention to myself and feeling good whatever that might mean.

WARNING: This is an INTENSE post. Swearing, honest, raw emotion.

EDIT: Nothing happened to make me write this. There is not one situation where I needed to type this. It's just part of the process that I am going through. Yes, I am angry, but they are internal struggles. No one has upset me. :)

Well the baseball bat has hit me again. And fucking when it hits, it hits so hard. Since I was having so many good days consistently, this was bound to happen. It's inevitable. It's good and it's bad. It's good because I know that I am still grieving. I'm not "over it" and when the sadness hits, I MUST deal with it in order to get better. I sometimes wish I didn't have to, but I do. It's bad because you're on this great path of self-discovery and happiness, then all of a sudden you're hit with intense sadness. I miss Scott everyday, however there are days where I do feel happy on the path I'm on. Good will come of Scott's passing. Good comes from tragedy. Do I wish it were different, hell yeah, but it's not. This is my reality.

I did not feel happy last night. I felt all the guilt of the days leading up to yesterday where I was happy. I know I fucking deserve happiness. Everyone in my life should feel the same way.  Everyone said "Scott would want you to be happy." I never really understood that. I didn't know what he would want. We never talked about life after one of us died. How do you know? How am I supposed to know? I do know now. And quite frankly, it doesn't matter. It's my life now. He's not here with me. He cannot make decisions with me or be a part of that anymore. It's just me.

I have a fear of people judging me as I do move on this path of GRAYSON'S LIFE. Moving on meaning dating (yes, I am ready!), going out, smiling, really laughing from my heart again. Feeling good. Feeling like things happen for a reason. Here's what I have to say, NO ONE knows what I have been through. NO ONE. Not even my family. No one was here every single fucking day living my life while Scott was alive and sick. NO ONE knows what my relationship with Scott was like when he wasn't sick. NO ONE. No one knows what I am learning every single day about myself and what I need to be healthy again. No one is inside my head to feel what I feel. The only person who does is me. What I ask of people is that they trust me. Trust me to know that I will make my own decisions. If I fail, I will learn. If I succeed, I will continue to improve. I will not be fucking perfect. Neither is anyone else. There isn't a step by step guide telling me what to do. Not all grievers are the same. You follow your heart and trust that your heart will lead you down the path you need to be on. That's what I am doing and want people to respect that. This is where I will also help other grievers someday. When compassion and living outweighs the grief, you are on the path to move on. It's not a science. It's all based on emotion. No one will have the same time table after a tragic loss. NO ONE.

Here's what I fear the most. "It's only been 4 months since he passed, how can she move on?" Here's my answer. "Fuck you." It feels like it's been years to me. I was not functioning for 2 months after he passed. Literally not functioning. I was grieving before he even died. I will not go into detail, but this is NOT something I want to hear from anyone (read above another time if needed. lol.). I understand people being protective, without a doubt. I am protective. I will be protective of my heart. Know that I am taking care of that.

There is a second fear, but I will not disclose that yet. It's private. It's personal. The time will come when I am ready.

I apologize if anyone was offended reading this. However, it's my blog. It's my thoughts. It's my path. Yes that is a bit harsh, but welcome to my world of grieving.

walking a tight rope

Lately I've been feeling a balancing act of emotions. Similar to walking on a tight rope, spinning glass plates. There is something always on my mind that I have to balance with everything else. For example, Scott's memory and knowing that he's gone, with knowing I need to function at work. It's really hard. Balancing grief and life is very, very challenging. How do you get good at it?

I tell myself that I need to focus on what I can focus on and that's it. I cannot predict the future. I can only live in the "now." This is what I must focus on. Each day at at a time. I think I'm finally at the point where I am living "day by day." Before it felt more like hour by hour, but today I know I'm healing. Healing the way I should be healing, and also living my life.

I still cannot answer the question "what would Scott want you to do."

no news is not good news

I called the ME today, but left a voicemail letting him know to call me only when he has resolution on Scott's death. I am ready to know. It will help me in this process if I know and it's not delayed any longer. I once thought that I didn't want to know, but now I know that it's time.

I thought a lot today about how far I've come. And what many don't know is that I have been grieving even before Scott died. I can honestly say that I didn't have my Scott since July/August. It's been that long. Almost a year. I am so thankful of the last night we spent together. My therapist said that your body can naturally "wake up" from being comatose before you die. Weird. I need to research that. So maybe that's what happened on that Saturday night. He seemed like him again. My hopes were up, but we all know what happened.

As I was walking home from therapy, it hit me that I know that I've come a long way from where I was and I will continue to keep moving forward. I am honest with myself and very self-aware of the fact that I need to take care of myself first and foremost and focus on developing really great friendships, which I have started. It's so hard for me to pick up the phone and say "I need you to come over because I am so alone." But this step, will help me. It will allow me to know that I have friends who are there for me. It might be uncomfortable, but it's a step I must learn and learn to do well.

His memories are starting to make me smile, as opposed to making me angry or sad. I like hearing others tell me about their memories of Scott. That's how he keeps living, through talking about him and keeping our memories of him alive.

My therapist made a good point today. She said "when you're married and have kids, you will still miss him." That hit home. I will always miss him, regardless of where life takes me and that's okay. My life will move on, it already has. I'm alive. I'm in my own place.

climbing through fear

Today I embarked on a new adventure. Rock climbing. I was very nervous at first, then scared once I actually knew it was up to me to lift my leg and start climbing. The first climb was very hard. I get weak knees with heights so that was holding me back at first. But each climb got a little better, although my arm muscles are nowhere near where they need to be. You get to a point where you literally don't know what to do and it's all in your hands. Once your hand strength is gone, you're off the wall. Literally. I'm so glad that I did it. I've always thought about it, and I can honestly say it felt really good. I will certainly do it again and will work on my strength so that next time, I'm in better shape and know what to expect.

I'm thankful that I have a friend who wants to try new things and push me outside my normal physical exercise of cardio and some weight lifting. It's all so exciting and a great way to start off my new chapter in life.

I wish Scott could've seen me doing this. He would've loved to know that I did it. I did something that I've never done and he would've been so supportive. It's really tough because he was my best friend. Not only am I missing his love, I miss my best friend. My companion and partner in crime. I had to come home to my apartment, not his. He's not here. He's never been here. It was the first time I came back to my new apartment by myself. It's all part of the journey and sometimes the smallest things are so hard. Today was one of those days.

The dreaded ME call is this week. It's been two weeks. I really hope to have some resolution on his death. I often think, am I ready for this? The answer is yes and no. Yes because I want to know how he died and no because then it will be permanent. A done deal. Done. What do you do with what you know? I think it will hit me when I know more. I do not want to assume anything, until I hear it from the ME's mouth. This is the week. Please don't make me wait another two weeks. I've waited long enough.

I'm in a rut right now. I can't put my finger on it. I feel accomplished with what I did today, however I feel so sad and so alone.

when it hits, it hits

I sometimes have these moments where I think of all the things Scott will never get to do, see or try anymore. He'll never eat steak again, he'll never hear the Beatles, he'll never go to a concert, he'll never try a new restaurant, etc. etc. It can be so overwhelming. That's what happened at dinner tonight. Along with having a hard day of moving, I was just sitting there and looking around thinking "he will never see the inside of this place." It is all so sad. It hurts. The pain hasn't seem to have let up. It's almost like it's always there, but I can function better than I could last month. I don't want to have an underlying sadness the rest of my life.

I hope that's not the case, but if it is, then that's what it'll be. I cannot change anything. I just want to keep doing what I'm doing and I want time to pass by quickly. Although I've heard the "time-table" associated with grieving and it's a long process. I told my sister once that I wanted to sleep for two years and then be woken up...but she said, that would only delay the process by 2 years, which is right. I have to continue to live my life, day by day, breath by breath, and continue to have faith that I will get through this.

I'm thankful my mom and Steve are here to help me move. It might all hit me on Sunday when Mom leaves, but I will also be busy rock climbing. Hopefully that exhausts me and I will sleep like a baby. Wishful thinking...maybe. Anyways, the moral of the story is that you just never know when the sadness and pain will hit. While there is a constant sadness it's not like it was 2 months ago, when it does hit me hard, it's really hard. I feel myself just going into this dark place and getting really quiet. The tears come, then I feel like a moron for crying in a public restaurant, but I know that I cannot stop the tears. I don't want to stop the tears, otherwise I am stopping the emotion, which is not healthy.

AND, thank you to those who reached out to help me move. I greatly appreciate your offers and generosity. You know who you all are :) While I don't need help moving this time, I expect you ALL to come visit me at my new place to fill it with fun memories!!!!

the waves

Since I have had some bad nights this week, it's only natural in MY grieving roller coaster that I have a good night and tonight was that night. I have felt good tonight. Comfortable being alone. Comfortable in my own skin.

I worked out, which could've helped too. I often think that good days are just the reflection of the days before. Because I am so sad and the pain is so great that anything will feel better than that. Almost like a rainbow after the storm. It's just natural for my process.

Today is a day where I know I can get through this. I take advantage of days like today, because I know they are not going to last forever...well eventually the pain will lessen but not for a long time.

I woke up in a funk today though. I had a really fucked up dream. It was in between one of my snooze sessions of 9 minutes of sleep. I was laying in bed, asleep and Scott's body or soul crept either out from under me or out of me. I followed him to the door to our bedroom and that's all I remember. I think I might've said something, but I was so confused. When I woke up, I was so thankful it was a dream. It was really creepy. I sleep in the same spot where he died. Yes, it's true.

I plan to get a new mattress very soon. I think that will help. I'm not freaked out by sleeping where he died, but if I think about it all the time, I do get really emotional. He was my baby and knowing that was the last place he was is really hard. It will be good to get a new bed, and also hard because that is technically my last memory of him being alive, when I tucked him in the night before.

So I will continue on my high, as long as it lasts. Typically two days, then back to my low again. You just never know, which is why grieving sucks.