Well, the day is here (sort of). One year ago today, I was flying to LA, for what I thought was just another annual trip, although deep down, I had hoped the ring was coming.
I've been up since 3:30am today. Maybe because we took the early flight a year ago, maybe because a lot of things. I'm sad. I wish I could say goodbye. I should be in LA right now.
Tomorrow is the official date in which we got engaged and his birthday, but today is Saturday and we left on Saturday last year.
I've been trying to fill a void all week. It cannot be filled. The void is Scott. The void hurts. Looking for an itch and not being able to scratch it 24 hours a day. I try to run, layout, read, etc. and nothing works. I want to smoke. That won't work. Nothing will work. I'm missing him in a new way now. I'm missing him because I know he's gone and won't come back. Before when I missed Scott, I was aching for him to hold me, kiss me, touch me, and I thought he would come back because I was in denial. Now I know. Now my reality is he's dead. I've accepted that.
My therapist pointed out when I said "I'm so low and depressed" that I'm not depressed and I haven't reached a new low. I'm grieving and the low feels so low because the feelings are so strong because this is my reality now. I know he's gone. Whereas before, I didn't know what to feel. It was such a tragedy, such a fucking loss and blow to my heart. I know everything now so when Monday night I couldn't breathe or stop crying, that was because the feelings were so fucking strong they were pretty much knocking me out.
This is no joke. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be done with it all. Fuck no it doesn't work that way. I sometimes feel like I'm dwelling, I'm not. I'm grieving. I've accepted that. I often wonder if others around me understand that. More on that later.
So here we are, the weekend when I thought my life was changing for the better. Yet 6 months ago, my life fell apart. I've put pieces in place for a new life, but my new life isn't on full throttle or cruise control yet. It's still a walking disaster sometimes. Life is hard. While I'm so thankful of what I have in my life, meaning Brian and my wonderful friends and family, I hate to know what I had to go through to get here. Someday, I know I will see all the good that comes from grieving, whereas now I only see snippets and it's even harder to see when you're sad.
I need to live in the now because when I don't, I think too much about "what I should be doing" or "is this right" or "is that wrong...." It's a slippery slope and I'm so fucking ready for it to be normal, however my normal might not ever be so normal.
More to come as the feelings come this weekend. I wasn't expecting to feel the sadness today, I just cannot help but think of Scott and I heading in a cab to LA, then him proposing and my mom walking around the corner for the ultimate surprise. He knew me well and loved me deeply. That is what I miss the most.
Showing posts with label sleep. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sleep. Show all posts
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
self-reflection
My day consisted of:
1. Working out
2. Laying by the pool, then beach
3. Swimming
4. Eating and drinking
5. Listening to music
6. THAT'S IT!!!!!!!
It feels amazing. I have been self-reflecting all day. I was able to think freely, without distraction.
I didn't know what this trip would do to me mentally, knowing that Scott's not here. I wouldn't be on this trip if he were alive, I'm guessing. That happens a lot. I find myself saying "I wouldn't be doing this if..." and that's unfortunate. I should've been able to do everything when he was alive, yet somehow I didn't. It's one of those lessons that I've learned and have changed about myself. Doing things that make me happy, not just a partner. Am I completely healed of this? No. But I'm aware of it and work on it all the time.
I am feeling good right now. I have moments where I miss Scott a lot. I know this will not go away, nor do I want it to. He was a big part of my life and still will be. I was putting his beats by dre headphones on yesterday (on the plane) and I found one of his hairs in the ear part...it made me cry. I have moments like this all the time. But it's a different kind of missing and sadness. It's not full on depression mode, it seems like a healthy sadness/grieving. It's really hard to describe actually. I think it's because I've completely accepted his death and have found closure in how he died. It has allowed me to heal a big part of myself that really needed to be healed. I hated not knowing. Now that I know, it doesn't make the pain less, but it does allow you to start thinking differently and sort of seal the envelope of questions that are in my brain. The worry is gone about that.
The next order of business for the week is sleep. I've got to get my body used to sleeping again. I hope that this week will allow that to happen. I still feel afraid sometimes to sleep. Afraid of what might or might not happen. It's hard to describe as well. Once my body gets used to sleeping more normally, I should start to get back in the habit of going to bed at a reasonable time and hopefully staying asleep throughout the night. Right now I'm surviving on minimal sleep. Last night I slept well, but woke up pretty early. I'll take it though!
More to come throughout my trip. I'm focusing my attention to myself and feeling good whatever that might mean.
1. Working out
2. Laying by the pool, then beach
3. Swimming
4. Eating and drinking
5. Listening to music
6. THAT'S IT!!!!!!!
It feels amazing. I have been self-reflecting all day. I was able to think freely, without distraction.
I didn't know what this trip would do to me mentally, knowing that Scott's not here. I wouldn't be on this trip if he were alive, I'm guessing. That happens a lot. I find myself saying "I wouldn't be doing this if..." and that's unfortunate. I should've been able to do everything when he was alive, yet somehow I didn't. It's one of those lessons that I've learned and have changed about myself. Doing things that make me happy, not just a partner. Am I completely healed of this? No. But I'm aware of it and work on it all the time.
I am feeling good right now. I have moments where I miss Scott a lot. I know this will not go away, nor do I want it to. He was a big part of my life and still will be. I was putting his beats by dre headphones on yesterday (on the plane) and I found one of his hairs in the ear part...it made me cry. I have moments like this all the time. But it's a different kind of missing and sadness. It's not full on depression mode, it seems like a healthy sadness/grieving. It's really hard to describe actually. I think it's because I've completely accepted his death and have found closure in how he died. It has allowed me to heal a big part of myself that really needed to be healed. I hated not knowing. Now that I know, it doesn't make the pain less, but it does allow you to start thinking differently and sort of seal the envelope of questions that are in my brain. The worry is gone about that.
The next order of business for the week is sleep. I've got to get my body used to sleeping again. I hope that this week will allow that to happen. I still feel afraid sometimes to sleep. Afraid of what might or might not happen. It's hard to describe as well. Once my body gets used to sleeping more normally, I should start to get back in the habit of going to bed at a reasonable time and hopefully staying asleep throughout the night. Right now I'm surviving on minimal sleep. Last night I slept well, but woke up pretty early. I'll take it though!
More to come throughout my trip. I'm focusing my attention to myself and feeling good whatever that might mean.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
sleep deprived
I feel very sleep deprived today. While I slept good, I could not sleep anymore this morning. I woke up early and just decided to get up and start my day. I wish I could sleep like I used to...but I have a feeling that won't come for a while.
I also think I'm afraid to sleep. Afraid of what I might dream, afraid of what I might see. I need to work through this a bit in therapy. I don't see images of him anymore when I go to sleep. Well, I take that back, I do have visuals sometimes of how I found him, but it's not as much as it used to be. Which I am thankful for...it wasn't a good way to find someone you love.
Being this tired is like being hungover. At least, that's what it's like for me. I am foggy, can't think well. Feel sick to my stomach. It's intense. And just from ONE night of not sleeping enough, even though I slept. It's like I'm fighting with my sleep!! Stupid.
I also think I'm afraid to sleep. Afraid of what I might dream, afraid of what I might see. I need to work through this a bit in therapy. I don't see images of him anymore when I go to sleep. Well, I take that back, I do have visuals sometimes of how I found him, but it's not as much as it used to be. Which I am thankful for...it wasn't a good way to find someone you love.
Being this tired is like being hungover. At least, that's what it's like for me. I am foggy, can't think well. Feel sick to my stomach. It's intense. And just from ONE night of not sleeping enough, even though I slept. It's like I'm fighting with my sleep!! Stupid.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
sleep deprived
I haven't written since tuesday morning! I will post tomorrow night when I have a little more sleep in me and can function a bit more. It's been a tough week for sleep. A lot of reasons are bringing that on and I hope to sleep tonight and tomorrow and saturday. lol. I need it really badly.
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