a new low, 6 month approaches...

The six month anniversary of Scott's death is on Saturday. A year ago on Saturday, I was flying to LA, getting engaged and celebrating his birthday. The day is jam-packed with memories and now, it holds even more. The most crude memory I could ever ask for on a day that was one of the best days of my life. I will cherish that day forever, but it will also cause me so much pain as the pain is almost unbearable now. 

This feeling has been brewing since my birthday and Father's Day. The end of June through July 10th. I knew this time would be hard, but I didn't realize how hard it would hit me. I literally feel as though Scott died today. Just hearing the news. I am shocked. I don't know what I need. I don't know what to do. I know I need to take care of me, but what the fuck does that mean when the pain hurts so bad? If someone could answer that, I swear you would be known as a "God" among grievers. 

Last night I was getting nail polish out of a cabinet and stumbled across a pair of Scott's glasses. So I opened them and notice smudges on the glasses. I could see a smudge where my nose had hit the glasses, from kissing him. There was some normal debris from wearing glasses along the nose area and it was HIS debris. His skin. Him. It hurts so bad. How was he taken away so quickly? I don't understand how the pain can come back so strongly again. It feels so raw and so fresh. I thought the last six months I had healed some. It sure as fuck doesn't feel like that today. Is this only a quick, temporary lapse in time? It hurts so bad, straight to my core. I'm a walking zombie today.

I tried to go to work, however that was dumb considering I could barely open my eyes they were so swollen from tears. I sit down at work, type a few emails and then the tears are uncontrollable. I came home and tried to sleep some of the sadness away, however I woke up and it's still there. This is a pain that will not go away. You cannot snap your fingers or distract yourself. Nothing will take the pain away. You just have to sit in it and hope to whoever (not God in my case) you're strong enough to get through. It holds you captive. It doesn't let go as much as you want to push it off. It won't budge. I imagine it to be like wanting to run away from someone trying to stab you, however you can't move and you're just forced to take all the stabs...however I'm thinking that might eventually feel numb. This feeling doesn't feel numb. I feel numb to those around me, however the feeling is there again. 

I feel like I'm in the black hole that I worked so hard to get out of. I feel so confused by life and the path that I'm on. I honestly feel lost and so alone, yet again. I don't understand this. I don't understand why it has to be this way. 

I wish he would show me a sign. Show me a sign that he is okay. He is in a better place. I feel like I need him to tell me that he's okay. I don't feel I can keep moving on sometimes until I know that he is. I know this won't happen. I know I have to be the one to move on. He isn't here to tell me that it's okay. I have to make it okay. That was my relationship with him, always making sure he was okay and now I can't do that. I wish someone could tell me it will be okay. They can, but how do you believe what you can't feel yourself? 

Here it is again. Slapped in the face with the most unbearable pain. 

climbing through fear

Today I embarked on a new adventure. Rock climbing. I was very nervous at first, then scared once I actually knew it was up to me to lift my leg and start climbing. The first climb was very hard. I get weak knees with heights so that was holding me back at first. But each climb got a little better, although my arm muscles are nowhere near where they need to be. You get to a point where you literally don't know what to do and it's all in your hands. Once your hand strength is gone, you're off the wall. Literally. I'm so glad that I did it. I've always thought about it, and I can honestly say it felt really good. I will certainly do it again and will work on my strength so that next time, I'm in better shape and know what to expect.

I'm thankful that I have a friend who wants to try new things and push me outside my normal physical exercise of cardio and some weight lifting. It's all so exciting and a great way to start off my new chapter in life.

I wish Scott could've seen me doing this. He would've loved to know that I did it. I did something that I've never done and he would've been so supportive. It's really tough because he was my best friend. Not only am I missing his love, I miss my best friend. My companion and partner in crime. I had to come home to my apartment, not his. He's not here. He's never been here. It was the first time I came back to my new apartment by myself. It's all part of the journey and sometimes the smallest things are so hard. Today was one of those days.

The dreaded ME call is this week. It's been two weeks. I really hope to have some resolution on his death. I often think, am I ready for this? The answer is yes and no. Yes because I want to know how he died and no because then it will be permanent. A done deal. Done. What do you do with what you know? I think it will hit me when I know more. I do not want to assume anything, until I hear it from the ME's mouth. This is the week. Please don't make me wait another two weeks. I've waited long enough.

I'm in a rut right now. I can't put my finger on it. I feel accomplished with what I did today, however I feel so sad and so alone.

shaky hands

I went to Whole Foods after work and realized that maybe I'm hiding some feelings. My hands are really shaky right now, which could be my anxiety. It's amazing what triggers anxiety throughout this process. Scott and I would go to Whole Foods on Friday night as a "treat" to get something to eat that night. If I were to guess, I think that triggered some feelings of loneliness. I am here alone. I have to do things on my own. I am only buying for one. I am no longer buying for two. I'm so glad that I never held back on giving to Scott, whether that was love and care or presents.

Scott loved presents so much and I loved giving him whatever he wanted, if I could afford it. Everyday was MY present from Scott, I now realize. He was such an incredible person and it just makes the hole in my heart so much greater. If he were a bad person or treated me like shit, maybe this would be easier. It's so hard because he loved me so much and now I don't have that. I don't have the feeling of comfort and support the way I did with him.

I feel like I'm alone on an island sometimes. Just me, with no one listening, or no one to relate to. I want to tell him about my day. I want to ask him stupid questions about the internet wireless router, about which macbook to get, about everything. I feel like there was so much more for him to teach me and to learn about one another and I'll never get that opportunity.

I realize I am  hiding my feelings from myself. I don't know how not to do this. It is part of the transition of entering the world again. I need to get better. I need to listen to me and my needs. It has been really hard since being back at work.  I find that I bring humor instead of my pain. I would rather laugh sometimes than cry, and I think that's okay. In moderation I guess.

There is one thing that I am happy about today, that Scott will never be sick again. He will never have to wonder why he was getting sick. He will never have to worry. But for those that are left behind, we still have to go through life, even though I feel like I have no more life in me.

My hands have stopped shaking.