a year ago today...

Well, the day is here (sort of). One year ago today, I was flying to LA, for what I thought was just another annual trip, although deep down, I had hoped the ring was coming.

I've been up since 3:30am today. Maybe because we took the early flight a year ago, maybe because a lot of things. I'm sad. I wish I could say goodbye. I should be in LA right now.

Tomorrow is the official date in which we got engaged and his birthday, but today is Saturday and we left on Saturday last year.

I've been trying to fill a void all week. It cannot be filled. The void is Scott. The void hurts. Looking for an itch and not being able to scratch it 24 hours a day. I try to run, layout, read, etc. and nothing works. I want to smoke. That won't work. Nothing will work. I'm missing him in a new way now. I'm missing him because I know he's gone and won't come back. Before when I missed Scott, I was aching for him to hold me, kiss me, touch me, and I thought he would come back because I was in denial. Now I know. Now my reality is he's dead. I've accepted that.

My therapist pointed out when I said "I'm so low and depressed" that I'm not depressed and I haven't reached a new low. I'm grieving and the low feels so low because the feelings are so strong because this is my reality now. I know he's gone. Whereas before, I didn't know what to feel. It was such a tragedy, such a fucking loss and blow to my heart. I know everything now so when Monday night I couldn't breathe or stop crying, that was because the feelings were so fucking strong they were pretty much knocking me out.

This is no joke. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be done with it all. Fuck no it doesn't work that way. I sometimes feel like I'm dwelling, I'm not. I'm grieving. I've accepted that. I often wonder if others around me understand that. More on that later.

So here we are, the weekend when I thought my life was changing for the better. Yet 6 months ago, my life fell apart. I've put pieces in place for a new life, but my new life isn't on full throttle or cruise control yet. It's still a walking disaster sometimes. Life is hard. While I'm so thankful of what I have in my life, meaning Brian and my wonderful friends  and family, I hate to know what I had to go through to get here. Someday, I know I will see all the good that comes from grieving, whereas now I only see snippets and it's even harder to see when you're sad.

I need to live in the now because when I don't, I think too much about "what I should be doing" or "is this right" or "is that wrong...." It's a slippery slope and I'm so fucking ready for it to be normal, however my normal might not ever be so normal.

More to come as the feelings come this weekend. I wasn't expecting to feel the sadness today, I just cannot help but think of Scott and I heading in a cab to LA, then him proposing and my mom walking around the corner for the ultimate surprise. He knew me well and loved me deeply. That is what I miss the most.

roller coaster. I want off.

I need to post more often. I think about it, but I don't do it. I want to do other things sometimes, not just focus on my feelings, however I have noticed that I am neglecting my feelings a bit.

Last week was a rough week emotionally. Work was really getting to me, but it's gotten much better now. I am re-energized to be here and do what I know I can do well. It feels really good, I'm glad the feeling is back cause I was a little worried.

Sometimes I am still really sad. It's because I've had enough. I'm emotionally drained. I've said that before prior to all of these tragedies happening in my life and now I can truly say it because I get what it means. I cannot process additional emotions well right now. My therapist told me not to make any major decisions for 3 months and she's right. I have so many things running around in my head, but I need to let them run around a bit longer. I need the next 3 months to be the most rewarding months of my life. Yes there will be hurdles, but I want it clear of tragedies and unexpected loss. I want to know that I can be okay again. While I know I will be, it's sometimes hard to remain positive since the loss of my brother. It was even more of a slap in the face that life sucks and I certainly don't want this to always be my life. I don't want to fear the worse, however how can I not? It's really hard to be optimistic at times, which is new to me.I hate that. I sort of hate how Tyler's death affected me. It made me more negative and bitter, which are feelings that will go away, I'm just angry...it's all part of this grieving process.

I find myself wanting to just live, forgetting about everything that has happened. But, I don't think that's possible. When I do that, there is always irrational behavior involved where I take my subconscious feelings out on someone else. Basically, I'm not dealing with my feelings. I think I need to write more. I need to release what I feel to feel better.

While I have started to run a lot more, I'm not sure that running will release this level of emotions. There seem to be so many, heightened to a degree of non-normal. This is what I wish would subside. I just want to be normal again. Although I was never normal, would love to go back to my baseline emotional level. That would be ideal. I don't want to always be an emotional roller-coaster, never knowing if I'll be spinning, up, down, left, ride, sideways, etc.

my mission

The more I think about my journey, the more I want to help others. Grieving is so complex, but also simple in knowing the underlying feeling of loss. When grieving is unexpected, I think there are different emotions at play, however this is where I would love to do some research. I want to change lives. I want to become an expert. I want to put my stamp on this world because I know that I can relate. I have always wanted to help people, whether drug addicts or people who were abused, but I couldn't really relate, except for reading, but now I can relate. That's is driving me toward this. Driving me towards change.

And I don't want to do anything small, I want to make a big impact, which will require a lot of thinking and researching to understand how this can happen. I know there is a huge opportunity out there for what I want to do, it's just a matter of discovering the best path forward.

I have faith in myself. I am proud of my journey. I will never forget the feelings I have experienced, ever. I will not lose sight of what I have been through because I now carry it with me everywhere I go. Scott was a special person. My heart will always be hurt and feel the loss of his love.

climbing through fear

Today I embarked on a new adventure. Rock climbing. I was very nervous at first, then scared once I actually knew it was up to me to lift my leg and start climbing. The first climb was very hard. I get weak knees with heights so that was holding me back at first. But each climb got a little better, although my arm muscles are nowhere near where they need to be. You get to a point where you literally don't know what to do and it's all in your hands. Once your hand strength is gone, you're off the wall. Literally. I'm so glad that I did it. I've always thought about it, and I can honestly say it felt really good. I will certainly do it again and will work on my strength so that next time, I'm in better shape and know what to expect.

I'm thankful that I have a friend who wants to try new things and push me outside my normal physical exercise of cardio and some weight lifting. It's all so exciting and a great way to start off my new chapter in life.

I wish Scott could've seen me doing this. He would've loved to know that I did it. I did something that I've never done and he would've been so supportive. It's really tough because he was my best friend. Not only am I missing his love, I miss my best friend. My companion and partner in crime. I had to come home to my apartment, not his. He's not here. He's never been here. It was the first time I came back to my new apartment by myself. It's all part of the journey and sometimes the smallest things are so hard. Today was one of those days.

The dreaded ME call is this week. It's been two weeks. I really hope to have some resolution on his death. I often think, am I ready for this? The answer is yes and no. Yes because I want to know how he died and no because then it will be permanent. A done deal. Done. What do you do with what you know? I think it will hit me when I know more. I do not want to assume anything, until I hear it from the ME's mouth. This is the week. Please don't make me wait another two weeks. I've waited long enough.

I'm in a rut right now. I can't put my finger on it. I feel accomplished with what I did today, however I feel so sad and so alone.

moving: day two and three

So yesterday was a really rough day. I had tried my best to prepare myself for this move. Knowing I was moving because Scott died was very hard for me to grasp. And still is. The movers were expected to be here from 12-4, they ended up showing up at 8:15 and my door attendant almost did not allow them to move me because it was too late, however I was able to do so, knowing I was only moving down the hall.

When she initially told me this, I had an epic of all epic breakdowns. I handed my phone to my mom, because she had to get it "approved" and walked into the bedroom, profusely crying. I had so much emotion behind that explosion. That's exactly what it was. Why am I moving? This fucking sucks? Why me? Why Scott? I hate the fucking world for putting me on this path sometimes. I wanted to get out of my own skin. I wanted to scream, to run away and never look back. To storm out of the apartment and say fuck it, I cannot do this.

But, I didn't. I was extremely close. Extremely. I found the strength to get through it. The move was quick once they arrived, 30 minutes max. I kept going over to the old place to say goodbye and held onto the keys until this morning. Today was the final goodbye. Not to Scott, but to our memories there. To a place that I hated and loved all at the same time, because he was alive.

I couldn't sleep once the movers were done. I was wide awake. So I worked. I worked on unpacking and reorganizing until really late. My mom stayed up with me, because she knew how hard it was for me. She wanted to be there and knew that I needed her.

Today was a new day. I'm in my own place. It's weird. It's sad. It's happy. It's a lot of things. I've been exhausted all day. I think the emotions that I felt so deeply yesterday really made me tired today. I don't know.

I do know that I love my bedroom. I didn't sleep in there last night cause my friend Steve needed to go to bed early cause he was leaving here at 6am, so he needed sleep! Tonight will be my first night in the bed. It's not my new bed yet, but it's a new room, new look/style. I like being in there. I think I will continue to add fun decor here and there.

While you've never set foot in this place, Scott, know that I will always keep you close to my heart.