father's day

Yesterday was Father's Day and I was worried how I would handle it. Father's Day has always been a tricky one for me, given some challenges I've faced with my own father. I had my first panic/anxiety attack 9 years ago on Father's Day, at a movie theatre. It was not fun, but I'm also not the same person I was back then.

Father's Day was the first "milestone" since Scott's death and I felt his absence. He should've been with his son. It makes me think of all that he's missing and all that Chaz will miss from his father as he grows older and it makes more sense to him. He often speaks of "when dad was alive..." and it honestly tugs at my heart. I'm so glad he's speaking of his father this way. I hope Scott is smiling somewhere when he hears Chaz say that. Chaz will always remember his father because he was such a big part of his life, even though we lived in Chicago. I'm also very thankful Chaz has such a great stepfather, which will be an integral part of his life as he gets older :)

I went to see X-MEN last night with B and I couldn't help but think that Scott should be watching this with Chaz. It's something they would do together and both really enjoy. I was usually along for the ride but liked to be a part of what they enjoyed. Sometimes when I see movies I think of all the things Scott is missing and it makes me sad. But my life has to carry-on. I have to accept my sadness because I'm not sure if will ever fully go away.

I'm proud of myself for seeing a movie on Father's Day. It's a tough day. Thanks to my amazing boy too for spending the day with me. I'm grateful and full of love today.

make it stop.

My head is so foggy today. I have done this before. Headed back to work after a death. It's complicated. I don't feel focused or energized to be here. I feel lost and overwhelmed with what I missed and how to get back on track. It's amazing how life moves forward when tragedy happens. For me, life seems to stop, then you have to run to catch up on what you've missed. I hate that feeling.

There's nothing you can really do about it, except accept it. Sometimes I want to be so negative and let my emotions take over. I'm frustrated that this is all happening. This is all so real and feels surreal

My perspective drastically changed when Scott passed, now the feeling is even more valid with Tyler's passing. Things just don't matter the way they once did. Will they ever? I don't know. It was getting better, but then Tyler died and it all kind of hit again. It's a challenging mind game, but hopefully as my life continues to move forward, this will get easier.

I love where my life is going, yet it was a really painful way to get here and I want the pain to stop. I want to be happy everyday. I want life to be easy, however I'm not sure what "easy" is. I don't think that exists for anyone to be honest. Maybe "easier" is the better word. I wish I could snap my fingers and my head would clear. There is so much noise in there as I figure out my life. I'm along for the ride, but I sure as hell hope the cruise control is set to happy for a while.

the margarita tour begins (Blue Agave)

Saturday was the first of many, many fun margarita nights with Lauren. We are going to check out all kinds of mexican restaurants and rate the margaritas, chips & salsa.

We went to Blue Agave on Saturday. The chips and salsa were amazing, however the first frozen marg I ordered tasted like lime water, so our waitress (who we became besties with), told us the way to go is on the rocks. And she was right. Each marg had 2.5 shots of tequila!! That's a lot for my lil old body! Needless to say, Lauren and I were living it up. Laughing to the point of major stomach pain.

I love laughing like that. I could barely catch my breath it was so intense! After about 2 margs each we headed out for a walk. We were off to explore the bars on Division and we both had stomachaches from too much SALT so we thought a lil workout was in order.

We didn't make it far, before we got whisked into a bar called "Detention" because of my pink hair. They treated us like "VIPs" and gave us a "free shot." However, please note that NO ONE was in the bar except for one group of dudes having a bachelor party and then the wait staff. The free shot was kool-aid or cranberry juice because the manager did the shot with us...I mean there was no alcohol in there. haha. We stayed for all of 1 drink that Lauren and I shared, then LEFT. Pretty much ran out of there. The next bar we slipped into was sooo douchey. They were playing like cheesy wedding songs, "Celebrate good times..." and some other song. I hate that shit! I want to hear dance music at the bar, not stupid wedding/DJ songs! So we left there. And we tried to go to the Hangge Uppe, but there was a $5 cover so we said fuck that. We went to my place. We are so lame, it's great!

We tried to stop by Argo Tea, but it was after 11 and they were closed. So at my house we drank water to calm our stomachs from too much acid, tequila and salt!!!!! It was a really, really fun night. I cannot wait to explore more margarita establishments and friends are always welcome to join is on our adventure!

Also, pink hair really gets noticed out there. It was all the rage. I have to say, no one else had it. I never want to get rid of it because it's so rare and I think it's a great accessory and is a part of who I am now.

I woke up on Sunday, after sleeping 10 hours and am feeling great today. I thought I would have a very productive day, but not all the places I needed to go are open. So I went to PetSmart, Whole Foods and Walgreen's. I really needed Target, but nope. Closed for easter. The tanning place was closed too. BOO! Everyone was all dressed up on the streets today, except me. It was funny. It took me a minute to realize why everyone was wearing dresses. duh.

Overall, a fantastic weekend.

a really hard post....

Here I am, it's 1:15am and I cannot sleep. I have a lot on my mind, as usual.

I am in a better place emotionally, although as I'm typing this I am sobbing uncontrollably. I am ready to move on with my life. Grayson's life. This does not mean I am moving on "from Scott." This means that I am ready to embrace whatever life throws at me. I have learned so fucking much about myself over the last couple of months. I am very proud of what I've learned and how I will incorporate that into my daily life...forever.

Scott was in my life for a reason. He was in my life for a short amount of time compared to the average life span of a person but what's important is that now I know why he was in my life. He showed me love, he showed me my self-worth, he made me non-selfish, he helped turn me from a drunk to someone who cared deeply about others and he simply loved me for me. That is important. I have this to cherish.

Did we have the healthiest relationship? No. I don't know if anyone does, but I know I will take what I've learned and apply it to all my relationships. That is the piece of him that will live with me forever. I am forever changed.  While I hate that Scott's not here to talk to him about everything, I've said it before that he's where he wanted to be and now maybe I am starting to get where I should be going. It's so hard to say, but it's the truth. I promised myself as hard as some things are to say out loud, I would always be honest with myself and people reading this blog.

It's okay for me to feel this way. I do not feel guilty for wanting to move forward with my life. I used to, but not anymore. I am accepting what life has given me and making something of it. I am not the type of person who will sit in a room by myself and have Scott consume my every thought. I would never get better. I would never heal. I did not die the day he died. I am alive. I am living and I want to be here. I want to be happy. I think I deserve that. I think that Scott would want that. I hope everyone in my life wants that for me and if they don't, they can get out of my life. It's as simple as that.

This process truly allows you to see who your friends are and who they aren't. I love my friends. I don't need to name names, but I hope you're reading this and smiling. As hard as it was for me to post, it might be hard for you to read, however know that what I'm feeling is real. I am not healed, I will still have low days, but the good is outweighing the bad, which hasn't happened for a very long time.

I will not spend each day worrying about what I should or shouldn't be doing because I often times put too much pressure on myself. I will simply live my life and take it one day at a time. That's where I am now and it feels good to know how far I've come. I can visibly see the light in the tunnel and it gets closer and closer every day. Closer to what, I don't know...do you come out of the tunnel, I don't know, but I guess we shall see.

pink hair and good friends

I am so looking forward to tomorrow. I am getting my hair cut, highlighted and some pink added in. I cannot wait to see what it looks like! I have the best hairdresser in MI!! And my hair got so long so fast cause it was so short, cannot wait to get some of this chopped off!!

It's fun to be excited about something and tomorrow I have two things. Hair and hanging out with dear friends up at Taylor Lanes. I feel so loved when I am around these people. It's an amazing feeling. I love it!!

(I basically wanted to update to use my mom's new macbook air).

Yay for friends and changing my look...yet again. It's what I like to do. Constant isn't so constant anymore...used to be one of my favorite lyrics by The Get Up Kids. I need to find that CD!

moving: day two and three

So yesterday was a really rough day. I had tried my best to prepare myself for this move. Knowing I was moving because Scott died was very hard for me to grasp. And still is. The movers were expected to be here from 12-4, they ended up showing up at 8:15 and my door attendant almost did not allow them to move me because it was too late, however I was able to do so, knowing I was only moving down the hall.

When she initially told me this, I had an epic of all epic breakdowns. I handed my phone to my mom, because she had to get it "approved" and walked into the bedroom, profusely crying. I had so much emotion behind that explosion. That's exactly what it was. Why am I moving? This fucking sucks? Why me? Why Scott? I hate the fucking world for putting me on this path sometimes. I wanted to get out of my own skin. I wanted to scream, to run away and never look back. To storm out of the apartment and say fuck it, I cannot do this.

But, I didn't. I was extremely close. Extremely. I found the strength to get through it. The move was quick once they arrived, 30 minutes max. I kept going over to the old place to say goodbye and held onto the keys until this morning. Today was the final goodbye. Not to Scott, but to our memories there. To a place that I hated and loved all at the same time, because he was alive.

I couldn't sleep once the movers were done. I was wide awake. So I worked. I worked on unpacking and reorganizing until really late. My mom stayed up with me, because she knew how hard it was for me. She wanted to be there and knew that I needed her.

Today was a new day. I'm in my own place. It's weird. It's sad. It's happy. It's a lot of things. I've been exhausted all day. I think the emotions that I felt so deeply yesterday really made me tired today. I don't know.

I do know that I love my bedroom. I didn't sleep in there last night cause my friend Steve needed to go to bed early cause he was leaving here at 6am, so he needed sleep! Tonight will be my first night in the bed. It's not my new bed yet, but it's a new room, new look/style. I like being in there. I think I will continue to add fun decor here and there.

While you've never set foot in this place, Scott, know that I will always keep you close to my heart.

moving

So today I got the keys to my new place. Today I feel good about moving. I know it will all set in probably on Friday when I'm officially out of my old apartment. An apartment filled with extremely wonderful, powerful memories and an apartment filled with bad memories.

I am looking forward to new surroundings and a different feel/look to my current place. Yes, I will have the same furniture, but plan to decorate differently and reposition the couches into different positions so it's a different perspective from when Scott and I lived in a one bedroom at this building (it's the same layout).

I will always hold onto the the artwork that Scott and I got together over the years as a reminder of him. And a reminder of his passion for art and creativity.

My bedroom will be a whole new space. Lots of zebra print, magenta, mirrored objects, and contemporary/modern flair that will truly make the space my own. I had always wanted to make a room "my style" but I just never got around to it, and I'm glad that I'm able to embrace this opportunity.

Since I'm moving, I'm not sure how often I will blog, so I might be on a short hiatus..not sure yet :)

the waves

Since I have had some bad nights this week, it's only natural in MY grieving roller coaster that I have a good night and tonight was that night. I have felt good tonight. Comfortable being alone. Comfortable in my own skin.

I worked out, which could've helped too. I often think that good days are just the reflection of the days before. Because I am so sad and the pain is so great that anything will feel better than that. Almost like a rainbow after the storm. It's just natural for my process.

Today is a day where I know I can get through this. I take advantage of days like today, because I know they are not going to last forever...well eventually the pain will lessen but not for a long time.

I woke up in a funk today though. I had a really fucked up dream. It was in between one of my snooze sessions of 9 minutes of sleep. I was laying in bed, asleep and Scott's body or soul crept either out from under me or out of me. I followed him to the door to our bedroom and that's all I remember. I think I might've said something, but I was so confused. When I woke up, I was so thankful it was a dream. It was really creepy. I sleep in the same spot where he died. Yes, it's true.

I plan to get a new mattress very soon. I think that will help. I'm not freaked out by sleeping where he died, but if I think about it all the time, I do get really emotional. He was my baby and knowing that was the last place he was is really hard. It will be good to get a new bed, and also hard because that is technically my last memory of him being alive, when I tucked him in the night before.

So I will continue on my high, as long as it lasts. Typically two days, then back to my low again. You just never know, which is why grieving sucks.