getting used to this. weird.

It's really fucked up that I am getting used to this feeling. Used to feeling alone and on an island. Used to knowing that the void I feel will be there for a while. I guess I am coming to terms with grieving. I didn't know it was possible, but plan to talk about it tomorrow in therapy.

I don't like this feeling. You cannot  compete with it or make it go away. So I guess you embrace it? I mean you have no choice.

I saw my new apartment today, which has me super excited about moving. What I am not excited for is the constant reminder that I don't have Scott around to help with certain things, like hooking up the PS3 or the wireless router. There are things I don't  know that I will be forced to learn. It's almost like I want to rebel against those things because that was HIS job,  not mine. Now it's mine.

I find myself talking to him at my apartment lately. Saying "where are you?" and other things. It's weird. I don't expect him to talk back or anything. If he did, um, that would freak me out. I  know he's gone.

I'm bored. Yet I don't know what to do. Nothing seems interesting. Maybe I've done too much this weekend with packing and cleaning. I feel that's all I do, but it's the homestretch. Part of me gets so mad that I am moving, because of WHY I am moving. It's all so fucked up, fucked up, fucked up!

what I read at Scott's funeral

I wrote this a couple of days before I knew I had to see my baby again, but this time, instead of a corpse, I would be looking at a "pretend" version of the normal Scott. Nothing could prepare me for him laying in a casket, other than at least he would look more normal than the way I found him in my apartment. One of the most difficult speeches I will ever give in my life. I will never have a fear of speaking in a large crowd again. I got through it, with my needed breaks and deep breaths...damn I miss him.

My dearest Scott,

First and foremost I love you and will always love you. You and I are one and there will always be a piece of me that is missing now that you're gone. That's how we were, we did everything together and hated to be apart. You were more than my fiance, you were my best friend. The love we have is so rare and I will cherish what we have forever in my heat, mind and body.

You are an amazing, gentle and often-times quiet person, unless you were telling me about a new pair of shoes, car parts, music, Cubs or artwork. you have a huge heart and taught me how to be a better person simply by showing me what true love is. You changed me for the better and I am now stronger than I was when we fist met. I will always have that.

Your life was taken away too soon. We went through so much the past six months with you being so sick. We fought it together and did everything we could. And just when it seemed things were getting better, you were taken from me. I will forever be grateful that we had such a wonderful and special night on Saturday.

I wish we could still do all the things we talked about doing together. We just spoke last week about me learning to drive your car. We tried once, but as you know, I was sweating profusely because I was scared I would hurt your prized possession. We talked about me trying on Brian's car this summer then starting to learn how to handle your high performance clutch. I promise you that I will learn. I will learn for you...because I love you and because it will be another little piece of you that will be with me forever.

I am so glad we have Jasper (our kitten) together. You always told me you could tell how much I love him by the look on my face when I hold him. I will take good care of him and he will keep your memory alive for me.

One of the most endearing qualities you have is being a great father to Chaz. I promise to make sure you're still a piece of Chaz and will always be a part of his life because I know that is what you would want. Chaz, your Dad loved you more than anything in this world and would do anything for you so I promise to continue doing whatever you need. I love you.

Thank you for giving me the best years and days of my life, Scott. I wish I could give you one more kiss...hold you one more time. I miss you with every breath I take. I love you, pumpkin.

I wanted to say thank you to all those who have shown their love and support for Scott. Scott wasn't afraid of dying, but he was worried about what would happen to me and Chaz. I know through the amazing friends and family of both Scott and me, that we will be okay. Please stay in our lives and help keep his memory alive.

Scott's tattoo that we got in LA one year said "Fallen Angel." He has fallen, but he has risen up to. He is in a place with no worries, pain or suffering and for that I am grateful. As much as I need him, I need the peace of knowing that he's in a better place.

I know my life has forever changed, but Scott is at peace...free of pain and with John, his good friend who passed a year and a half ago. I hope they have a blast together and look down on us and help get us through the pain of our loss.

Thank you. I love you all.

sunday, bloody sunday

Scott and I would normally be drinking coffee together. He preferred his with one ice cube whereas I love it hot. Like liquid lava. We would watch bowling and look at the paper together. He loved looking at circulars to see the "hot deals" on electronics, toys, DVD's and games. It was a ritual. He would often say "wanna go to______ today?" Which would consist of Bucktown, outlet mall, suburbs, Walmart, etc. He defined Sundays for us.

I am defining my own Sundays now. While he is not here with me, I think of all the Sundays we shared together and feel good knowing we had a lot of fun.

I feel a bit stronger today. I owe it to catching up on some sleep. It's amazing what sleep can do, when you actually sleep. I needed this weekend.

I never know what I will feel in the next hour, but as of right now, I am okay on this rainy Sunday.