I've been on vacation this week, but as of yesterday I'm really using this time to self-reflect. To think about what I want in life and who I am becoming. I am a changed person because of what this year has challenged me with. Challenge isn't a good word. I guess it's the path my life has taken. The reasons are becoming clearer to me. I will always believe that things happen for a reason. I think in a few years I will be able to believe the reasons, but right now I am just playing around with some thoughts.
I'm headed on a road trip today with my mom. We are going to pick up her kitten at 11am tomorrow in Pennsylvania. I know it might be a little hard on me because a little over a year ago, Scott and I were getting our kitten. It might've even been this same weekend, now that I think about it. And damn did his health decline once we got Jasper. But I will embrace this. I will find good out of this trip. There's a reason I'm going back there. Jasper has brought so much happiness to my life and I'm so excited for my mom to have her own special kitty to love her unconditionally, as Jasper loves me (or so he told me!).
It's only a 5 hour drive to the breeder's house and then I think another 4 or 5 to VA. The goal is to drive my mom's car back to VA...we just so happen to be getting a kitten (Edward Miles) along the way! Lots of pictures to come!
I want to slow-down, enjoy life and learn along the way. I will do this.
Showing posts with label vacation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label vacation. Show all posts
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
self-reflection
My day consisted of:
1. Working out
2. Laying by the pool, then beach
3. Swimming
4. Eating and drinking
5. Listening to music
6. THAT'S IT!!!!!!!
It feels amazing. I have been self-reflecting all day. I was able to think freely, without distraction.
I didn't know what this trip would do to me mentally, knowing that Scott's not here. I wouldn't be on this trip if he were alive, I'm guessing. That happens a lot. I find myself saying "I wouldn't be doing this if..." and that's unfortunate. I should've been able to do everything when he was alive, yet somehow I didn't. It's one of those lessons that I've learned and have changed about myself. Doing things that make me happy, not just a partner. Am I completely healed of this? No. But I'm aware of it and work on it all the time.
I am feeling good right now. I have moments where I miss Scott a lot. I know this will not go away, nor do I want it to. He was a big part of my life and still will be. I was putting his beats by dre headphones on yesterday (on the plane) and I found one of his hairs in the ear part...it made me cry. I have moments like this all the time. But it's a different kind of missing and sadness. It's not full on depression mode, it seems like a healthy sadness/grieving. It's really hard to describe actually. I think it's because I've completely accepted his death and have found closure in how he died. It has allowed me to heal a big part of myself that really needed to be healed. I hated not knowing. Now that I know, it doesn't make the pain less, but it does allow you to start thinking differently and sort of seal the envelope of questions that are in my brain. The worry is gone about that.
The next order of business for the week is sleep. I've got to get my body used to sleeping again. I hope that this week will allow that to happen. I still feel afraid sometimes to sleep. Afraid of what might or might not happen. It's hard to describe as well. Once my body gets used to sleeping more normally, I should start to get back in the habit of going to bed at a reasonable time and hopefully staying asleep throughout the night. Right now I'm surviving on minimal sleep. Last night I slept well, but woke up pretty early. I'll take it though!
More to come throughout my trip. I'm focusing my attention to myself and feeling good whatever that might mean.
1. Working out
2. Laying by the pool, then beach
3. Swimming
4. Eating and drinking
5. Listening to music
6. THAT'S IT!!!!!!!
It feels amazing. I have been self-reflecting all day. I was able to think freely, without distraction.
I didn't know what this trip would do to me mentally, knowing that Scott's not here. I wouldn't be on this trip if he were alive, I'm guessing. That happens a lot. I find myself saying "I wouldn't be doing this if..." and that's unfortunate. I should've been able to do everything when he was alive, yet somehow I didn't. It's one of those lessons that I've learned and have changed about myself. Doing things that make me happy, not just a partner. Am I completely healed of this? No. But I'm aware of it and work on it all the time.
I am feeling good right now. I have moments where I miss Scott a lot. I know this will not go away, nor do I want it to. He was a big part of my life and still will be. I was putting his beats by dre headphones on yesterday (on the plane) and I found one of his hairs in the ear part...it made me cry. I have moments like this all the time. But it's a different kind of missing and sadness. It's not full on depression mode, it seems like a healthy sadness/grieving. It's really hard to describe actually. I think it's because I've completely accepted his death and have found closure in how he died. It has allowed me to heal a big part of myself that really needed to be healed. I hated not knowing. Now that I know, it doesn't make the pain less, but it does allow you to start thinking differently and sort of seal the envelope of questions that are in my brain. The worry is gone about that.
The next order of business for the week is sleep. I've got to get my body used to sleeping again. I hope that this week will allow that to happen. I still feel afraid sometimes to sleep. Afraid of what might or might not happen. It's hard to describe as well. Once my body gets used to sleeping more normally, I should start to get back in the habit of going to bed at a reasonable time and hopefully staying asleep throughout the night. Right now I'm surviving on minimal sleep. Last night I slept well, but woke up pretty early. I'll take it though!
More to come throughout my trip. I'm focusing my attention to myself and feeling good whatever that might mean.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
oh yeah...cabo
My trip to Cabo has been booked. So excited. I've wanted a vacation and needed a vacation, even before Scott's death, so now I'm glad it's finally been booked. My mom, sister and I will go to Cabo and completely lose ourselves to the beach, pool and virgin-drinks at all-inclusive resort. We even get beach beds and afternoon tea, if you want it. I'm mostly excited for a swim up bar, where my sister and I will order really fru-fru drinks, but skip the alcohol. I want a happy vacation and alcohol can be a depressant.
I bought THREE, yes THREE bathing suits today. They were all just so perfect. I am so excited to wear them and just do nothing but live in a bathing suit and read, read, read! Read in bed, read at the pool, read on the beach, read in hammocks, read wherever! Listen to music, eat great food and most importantly be with my mom and sister and try to heal. I know this isn't a "cure-all" by any means, but at least I can escape my day to day and enjoy some sunshine and much needed heat!
That is all.
I bought THREE, yes THREE bathing suits today. They were all just so perfect. I am so excited to wear them and just do nothing but live in a bathing suit and read, read, read! Read in bed, read at the pool, read on the beach, read in hammocks, read wherever! Listen to music, eat great food and most importantly be with my mom and sister and try to heal. I know this isn't a "cure-all" by any means, but at least I can escape my day to day and enjoy some sunshine and much needed heat!
That is all.
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