denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Sunday, April 3, 2011

climbing through fear

Today I embarked on a new adventure. Rock climbing. I was very nervous at first, then scared once I actually knew it was up to me to lift my leg and start climbing. The first climb was very hard. I get weak knees with heights so that was holding me back at first. But each climb got a little better, although my arm muscles are nowhere near where they need to be. You get to a point where you literally don't know what to do and it's all in your hands. Once your hand strength is gone, you're off the wall. Literally. I'm so glad that I did it. I've always thought about it, and I can honestly say it felt really good. I will certainly do it again and will work on my strength so that next time, I'm in better shape and know what to expect.

I'm thankful that I have a friend who wants to try new things and push me outside my normal physical exercise of cardio and some weight lifting. It's all so exciting and a great way to start off my new chapter in life.

I wish Scott could've seen me doing this. He would've loved to know that I did it. I did something that I've never done and he would've been so supportive. It's really tough because he was my best friend. Not only am I missing his love, I miss my best friend. My companion and partner in crime. I had to come home to my apartment, not his. He's not here. He's never been here. It was the first time I came back to my new apartment by myself. It's all part of the journey and sometimes the smallest things are so hard. Today was one of those days.

The dreaded ME call is this week. It's been two weeks. I really hope to have some resolution on his death. I often think, am I ready for this? The answer is yes and no. Yes because I want to know how he died and no because then it will be permanent. A done deal. Done. What do you do with what you know? I think it will hit me when I know more. I do not want to assume anything, until I hear it from the ME's mouth. This is the week. Please don't make me wait another two weeks. I've waited long enough.

I'm in a rut right now. I can't put my finger on it. I feel accomplished with what I did today, however I feel so sad and so alone.

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