self-reflection

My day consisted of:

1. Working out
2. Laying by the pool, then beach
3. Swimming
4. Eating and drinking
5. Listening to music
6. THAT'S IT!!!!!!!

It feels amazing. I have been self-reflecting all day. I was able to think freely, without distraction.

I didn't know what this trip would do to me mentally, knowing that Scott's not here. I wouldn't be on this trip if he were alive, I'm guessing. That happens a lot. I find myself saying "I wouldn't be doing this if..." and that's unfortunate. I should've been able to do everything when he was alive, yet somehow I didn't. It's one of those lessons that I've learned and have changed about myself. Doing things that make me happy, not just a partner. Am I completely healed of this? No. But I'm aware of it and work on it all the time.

I am feeling good right now. I have moments where I miss Scott a lot. I know this will not go away, nor do I want it to. He was a big part of my life and still will be. I was putting his beats by dre headphones on yesterday (on the plane) and I found one of his hairs in the ear part...it made me cry. I have moments like this all the time. But it's a different kind of missing and sadness. It's not full on depression mode, it seems like a healthy sadness/grieving. It's really hard to describe actually. I think it's because I've completely accepted his death and have found closure in how he died. It has allowed me to heal a big part of myself that really needed to be healed. I hated not knowing. Now that I know, it doesn't make the pain less, but it does allow you to start thinking differently and sort of seal the envelope of questions that are in my brain. The worry is gone about that.

The next order of business for the week is sleep. I've got to get my body used to sleeping again. I hope that this week will allow that to happen. I still feel afraid sometimes to sleep. Afraid of what might or might not happen. It's hard to describe as well. Once my body gets used to sleeping more normally, I should start to get back in the habit of going to bed at a reasonable time and hopefully staying asleep throughout the night. Right now I'm surviving on minimal sleep. Last night I slept well, but woke up pretty early. I'll take it though!

More to come throughout my trip. I'm focusing my attention to myself and feeling good whatever that might mean.