So here I am. In Michigan. For a funeral. I've been through this before. I'm here to travel with my family to Texas tomorrow morning. I hate that I'm attending another funeral. I hate that this is truly happening, this is my reality right now. I wish I could curl into a little ball. I truly do.
My emotions are so raw. My patience is so thin. I don't have it in me to do this again, yet I know I will. I cannot guarantee I'll be able to attend all the dinners and shit, but I can promise that I'm there for my other brother, Charles. I want to be his rock. His guiding light if you will. That will give me strength, knowing that I am helping him. I cannot bullshit. I won't act fake. I am me now. I'm an emotional, straight-forward, direct "hot mess." I cannot sugar-coat. And where I'm going, I'll need to do this, and I know I can't, which is why there are some "gatherings" that I might not be able to do. I'm glad Casey and I have our own rental car. We can whisk Charles away and do whatever. If he wants. I just need to be flexible I guess. Flexible to heal. Flexible to my emotions and what I need. I'm still on a really emotional ride and I fear if I'm not careful, I might not be going in the direction I want to go.
I feel pretty confident that I'm aware of what I am feeling. I know it's okay if I cannot attend everything. What's important is that I'm there for the loss of Tyler and for Charles, however he might need me. I will do my best. That's all I will ever give.
Do what you can, and let others be how they will be. I'm glad you're in touch with how you're feeling, and that you are unafraid to share - this will help you heal. And getting some quality time with Charles and Casey will help too.
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