denial. shock. sad. pain. acceptance. anger. peace. repeat. repeat. repeat...

Saturday, May 28, 2011

a sad day review

Today was really hard, obviously. The funeral was at a church so different than a funeral home. Different meaning, it was unknown to me the "process" of how it all worked. The family stayed off in a room while friends gathered in the church. The chorus began singing and the family was escorted to the front of the church. All eyes starring. It was very sad. I was sobbing the entire time. I didn't like being the center of the stage for all people to see. Wasn't I supposed to be walking down a wedding aisle?

Tyler's two girl friends sang a Jimmy Eat World song called "Hear You Me." It is one of my favorite songs and it reminded me a lot of Scott since he was a Jimmy Eat World fan as well. I had an epic breakdown because it was sang acoustic style and Katy sang it beautifully. I will cherish that song even more now.

We spent the day in Fort Worth at my stepsisters house with the Ellwood family. It was nice, but I needed to be alone for a bit. We came back to the hotel and I immediately went to the pool. I needed it. I still need it. I need a major decompression. I'm so sick of feeling sad. I'm sick of the stress it's causing me. It's making it hard for me to think rationally and I get bent out of shape over the smallest of things. My anxiety is at an all time high. I hope that I stabilize a bit when I get home to Chicago. I need to relax...somehow. I think there is pooltime in my near future for sure.

After the pool, we got my brother and went to dinner. It was so nice. It was nice to see him smile and be the typical witty Charles that I love so much. I'm so thankful that I was able to spend a lot of time with him. He's such a special soul. I worry about him deeply. How can I not? I want to make sure he's okay every single day!

Now, as I am sitting in the hotel writing, my anxiety is high. I hated saying goodbye to my brother and saying goodbye forever to my other brother. I had a moment on the elevator where I felt like the walls were closing in on me. It was a weird physical experience. I am at an emotional breaking point. I think I've had all I can take. Life cannot give me more. This is it for a while. My plate is completely full.

I hate knowing I'll never see him again. I wish I could sit him down one more time. I wish I could hear him laugh one more time. I said the same things about Scott. Cherish every moment you have with those you love. Honestly. I need to take my own advice too. Once my stress levels return to normal, I will be able to do this. Right now, I'm too fucking heightened by life.

Can't deal!

funeral 2

As I'm getting ready to attend my second funeral of the year, I cannot help but be reminded of my feelings on January 15th. Granted, I was on auto-pilot that day. Literally people telling me what moves to make and today I am not like that. Today I can think. Today I have an open mind and a clear head. Ready for what the day might bring.

I need to remember to stay focused on myself and not what others are saying or what others are not saying. I cannot grieve for others. I can only grieve for myself. That's very important to understand and remember. I do think there is a right and wrong way to grieve and the wrong way is NOT grieving, which so many people around me are doing. That is what is so upsetting.

Here we go.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

again. here we go.

So here I am. In Michigan. For a funeral. I've been through this before. I'm here to travel with my family to Texas tomorrow morning. I hate that I'm attending another funeral. I hate that this is truly happening, this is my reality right now. I wish I could curl into a little ball. I truly do.

My emotions are so raw. My patience is so thin. I don't have it in me to do this again, yet I know I will. I cannot guarantee I'll be able to attend all the dinners and shit, but I can promise that I'm there for my other brother, Charles. I want to be his rock. His guiding light if you will. That will give me strength, knowing that I am helping him. I cannot bullshit. I won't act fake. I am me now. I'm an emotional, straight-forward, direct "hot mess." I cannot sugar-coat. And where I'm going, I'll need to do this, and I know I can't, which is why there are some "gatherings" that I might not be able to do. I'm glad Casey and I have our own rental car. We can whisk Charles away and do whatever. If he wants. I just need to be flexible I guess. Flexible to heal. Flexible to my emotions and what I need. I'm still on a really emotional ride and I fear if I'm not careful, I might not be going in the direction I want to go.

I feel pretty confident that I'm aware of what I am feeling. I know it's okay if I cannot attend everything. What's important is that I'm there for  the loss of Tyler and for Charles, however he might need me. I will do my best. That's all I will ever give.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

strength & sadness

I do not know where I find the strength to stand sometimes. I don't want my strength to be tested any further. I get it, I'm strong. I'm sick of it. I want to fall apart, but it's almost like I don't know how. Where some people cannot find strength to carry-on, I do not feel as though I can find weakness.

The weakness is making me stronger. The pain is making me stronger. I am really struggling, but somehow managing to move forward.

I fear what the weekend brings. I fear what will happen to me emotionally knowing I'm at a funeral. What feelings will resurface? This will truly be a test in my opinion of how far I've come. I know how low the lows can be. I never want to go back there. I cannot avoid it if it happens, but I will do all that I can to stay away from that. I have to remember and feel the strength of how far I've come. Grieving is an intense fucking process that has no rules. It's almost like your mind makes the rules for you as you go. It's hard to explain.

Life has a completely new perspective for me. When Scott died, it opened my eyes to many things, now they are really wide open. However, I am having a better time managing my frustration by knowing that not everyone has the same perspective on life as I do.

I am so sad today. Really down, but still moving. Not knowing what I need, except time I guess.

Monday, May 23, 2011

RIP my dear brother. I love you.

My brother Tyler, 23 years old, passed away on Saturday night. I heard he was missing through a post on FB and almost knew instantly that he was dead. I had a gut feeling. A true instinct telling me this. I reached out to him via phone and text, but got no response. I woke up on Sunday and was thinking he was found, based on a note I got back from his aunt, but when his aunt got to his apartment he was dead. He had died on Saturday night. Cause of death is unknown right now. It's all so fucking sad. I said that I hope to hell that we don't end up gathering at his funeral someday. He was on a better path, with working for his aunt's company and starting his design company, then BAM! the drugs took over. It takes ONE time. That is all. I told him how much I loved him and he told me how fucked up some of his actions were and that he was on a natural high from working out in SF. I told him how much I loved him, but I didn't trust him. I said you have to prove to me you're serious this time and here we are...the drugs won. Or so it seems.

I am so fucking sad again. It's not as deep of a sadness as I've experienced before, but i don't understand life. Why is this all happening? Why has this year been really fucking shitty? Why have I gone from losing one loved one when I was like 8 to losing two people in a matter of 4 months? I don't get it. What I do get is life is too fucking short. It changes in one instant.

I've learned so fucking much about grieving since January, that I know what to expect. I know how to feel, I know what this is. I hate fucking knowing. I'm 30 years old and know all about autopsy, coroner, death certificates, transferring of bodies, funeral homes and fucking all this bullshit process. It's fucking UNREAL. I am mad. I am angry. I don't get why I feel as though I'm being tested. I have a foundation. The feeling I have isn't the same as when Scott passed. The loss is different, however there is an underlying feeling that is the same. It's sad, it's tragic and sudden and you have so many unanswered questions.

What I am taking from this is reaffirming my role in life. I want to live. I want to fill my life with love and happiness, because it's so short. There is no time to waste in my opinion. I want to help others more so than ever and I will. Tyler's death is burning the light brighter from within. I wish I could've saved him, but he wasn't ready. I'm sure a lot of family and friends wish they could've done more, but the fact is, that he's gone. I cannot go back and think of ways I could've done more. I want to, but know that is not productive.

He was a troubled soul. There are so many people out there who are troubled and you would never know. That is who I will help. I want to help.

It doesn't take away from the fact that he died much too young. He was a talented, loving, caring and gentle brother. This isn't supposed to be happening. I wanted him to find his way.

RIP Tyler. I love you. I am blessed to have had you in my life and so thankful we had that final facetime conversation. I will cherish that moment forever.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

pueblo bonita rose

Eating at one of the sister hotels (Pueblo Bonita Rose). It was definitely more of a family setting than our hotel. I LOVE our hotel. It's an older crowd, no screaming kids or douchebags whatsoever. Pure relaxation!

I haven't been that impressed with the food here. It's been mediocre. We had a pasta dish as part of the Chef Selection menu at this restaurant that was really good. I've been gravitating towards lots of salads, margaritas and chips/salsa/guac. I've been eating plenty though. I think I've gained 5 pounds...hopefully it's all water weight from the salty margs and chips. haha.

my mission

The more I think about my journey, the more I want to help others. Grieving is so complex, but also simple in knowing the underlying feeling of loss. When grieving is unexpected, I think there are different emotions at play, however this is where I would love to do some research. I want to change lives. I want to become an expert. I want to put my stamp on this world because I know that I can relate. I have always wanted to help people, whether drug addicts or people who were abused, but I couldn't really relate, except for reading, but now I can relate. That's is driving me toward this. Driving me towards change.

And I don't want to do anything small, I want to make a big impact, which will require a lot of thinking and researching to understand how this can happen. I know there is a huge opportunity out there for what I want to do, it's just a matter of discovering the best path forward.

I have faith in myself. I am proud of my journey. I will never forget the feelings I have experienced, ever. I will not lose sight of what I have been through because I now carry it with me everywhere I go. Scott was a special person. My heart will always be hurt and feel the loss of his love.

Monday, May 9, 2011


My day consisted of:

1. Working out
2. Laying by the pool, then beach
3. Swimming
4. Eating and drinking
5. Listening to music
6. THAT'S IT!!!!!!!

It feels amazing. I have been self-reflecting all day. I was able to think freely, without distraction.

I didn't know what this trip would do to me mentally, knowing that Scott's not here. I wouldn't be on this trip if he were alive, I'm guessing. That happens a lot. I find myself saying "I wouldn't be doing this if..." and that's unfortunate. I should've been able to do everything when he was alive, yet somehow I didn't. It's one of those lessons that I've learned and have changed about myself. Doing things that make me happy, not just a partner. Am I completely healed of this? No. But I'm aware of it and work on it all the time.

I am feeling good right now. I have moments where I miss Scott a lot. I know this will not go away, nor do I want it to. He was a big part of my life and still will be. I was putting his beats by dre headphones on yesterday (on the plane) and I found one of his hairs in the ear made me cry. I have moments like this all the time. But it's a different kind of missing and sadness. It's not full on depression mode, it seems like a healthy sadness/grieving. It's really hard to describe actually. I think it's because I've completely accepted his death and have found closure in how he died. It has allowed me to heal a big part of myself that really needed to be healed. I hated not knowing. Now that I know, it doesn't make the pain less, but it does allow you to start thinking differently and sort of seal the envelope of questions that are in my brain. The worry is gone about that.

The next order of business for the week is sleep. I've got to get my body used to sleeping again. I hope that this week will allow that to happen. I still feel afraid sometimes to sleep. Afraid of what might or might not happen. It's hard to describe as well. Once my body gets used to sleeping more normally, I should start to get back in the habit of going to bed at a reasonable time and hopefully staying asleep throughout the night. Right now I'm surviving on minimal sleep. Last night I slept well, but woke up pretty early. I'll take it though!

More to come throughout my trip. I'm focusing my attention to myself and feeling good whatever that might mean.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

hiatus...til next week!

For all those wondering why I haven't updated, I am okay, just super busy at work.

Since I'll be on the beach all week next week (in CABO), I will be updating a LOT! So get ready!!! See below for where I'll be staying...I think I'll be in good hands :)